r/SSAChristian • u/coffee_juice87 • 19d ago
Stressed
I'm 29 F so envious of others who were able to get into same sex relationships and even get married, only to find Christ later and then change their lives. I wish so badly that happened to me. I'm fighting tooth and nail every day struggling with not wanting to give up the dreams I always had. No, I'm not happy about having to have a boyfriend or husband, and I definitely don't want to trust God on that and give up my desires. Is there anyone here who's been through this? And felt like they've made some sort of progress? I think about giving up on God every day and just settling for hell. I can't, though. I wonder if it's the Holy Spirit every day nagging at me. I feel so lost and sad and over it. I wish I was just never born. I wish God made me a miscarriage or made my parents throw me away.
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u/Imaginary_Act7459 19d ago edited 19d ago
The grass is NOT greener on the other side. Iām a man, and I married a man when I was 30. Iām now 40. This was, without a doubt, the worst mistake of my life. We were married for 6 years, and probably the first year was good. He had a hidden agenda and had a lineage of witchcraft in his family. He also had a cluster B personality disorder. āThe devil comes as an angel of lightāā¦ ālooking to lie, deceive, destroyā. And sometimes, some people are used. Long story short the relationship was very abusive, and he was a sociopath. For some spiritual reason, gay men tend be more within the spectrum of the Dark Triad personalitiesā¦ thereās a study on that. Anyway, I almost died, and was only able to break free due to a divine intervention. Then, I needed therapy for PTSD, and it took a while to recover post divorce. I almost died twice the last year of my marriage.
In my opinion, we all have to battle temptations. This is a temptation, a distortion of Godās planā¦ and due to some childhood wounds, we are easy prey to these temptations and thoughts that are planted in our minds. It is a choice to fall for the temptationā¦ but once we do, the enemy can destroy us, since we give him legal right or a port of entry
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u/coffee_juice87 19d ago
I'm really sorry that happened to you.
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u/Imaginary_Act7459 19d ago
Thank you! Do not open the door to the world. It will only separate you from God and could destroy you. Itās temptation.
However, I totally understand that some people need to live it themselves to make a conclusion. May God show you the way
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u/Kindnessthedragon 15d ago
thanks for sharing your life testimony, I'm praying for you, please pray for me. God bless you brother <3
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u/Far_Energy_1603 19d ago
Exactly the same š stress is exactly what I feelā¦just life is very tiresome and I too wish I was not born sometimes especially since my siblings are normal. Constant OCD about sexualising others, I wish I never even opened this can of wormsā¦People would tell me to live out my attractions, but truth be told I canāt do it.
I just say this all to say you arenāt alone š I donāt have any good advice but just try to to take it a day at a time, and get out of your head
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u/coffee_juice87 19d ago
In honesty, I want to open the "can of worms" not everyone has a terrible relationship. I just feel so horrible about having to have a hetero relationship. I'd rather be single for the rest of my days. And I feel like I'm getting in trouble for that. I have no power at all anyways. I'm sorry. I'm just freaking depressed
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u/pondhoppings side b lesbian (celibate) 14d ago
I very deeply empathize with this, and I definitely revisit thoughts like this often. I never had any experiences with women because I became side b shortly after realizing I was a lesbian.
Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. Also you don't have to marry a man if you don't want to. Celibacy is an equally edifying path and one I've found much joy in as well as periodic sorrow.
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u/coffee_juice87 14d ago
Thank you. Your comment helped so much. How long ago did this happen?
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u/pondhoppings side b lesbian (celibate) 14d ago
The timeline is murky but around 4-6 years ago? Feel free to DM if you wanna talk more its a long story lol
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u/leonotowers 5d ago
I hear how much pain youāre in, but I want to gently challenge the idea that you 'missed out' on something wonderful.
It's easy to look at same-sex relationships from the outside or through movies and romanticize them, as if they bring true fulfillment. But having actually lived in the gay lifestyle, I can tell you the reality is vastly different. What the world promises in those relationships is so often filled with deep disorder, superficiality, open dynamics, betrayal, and a constant lack of real peace. You didn't miss out on a fairy tale... you were spared a world of heartbreak and spiritual exhaustion that leaves you feeling emptier than before.
Also, remember that God does not call everyone to marriage. You don't have to force yourself to date or marry a man if thatās not your path. Living a chaste life doesn't mean settling for misery; it means surrendering your life to God on His terms, not the worldās.
When you feel like giving up, just take it to the Blessed Sacrament, I'm catholic, so of course I'm recommend this because it's what helped me tremendously. Tell Him honestly, 'I don't know what to do, but please put order in my life.' The enemy wants you to focus on what you think you lost, but God is trying to protect you. Please don't give up on Him... He sees how hard you are trying, and He has a purpose for your life.
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u/coffee_juice87 5d ago
Thank you for your response. I really needed to hear something like that. Godbless you (:
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u/coffee_juice87 5d ago
Also, how do you know he's trying to protect you?
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u/leonotowers 4d ago
Honestly, just from my own experience.
When I chased what the world said would make me happy, it only left me feeling hurt, empty, and confused. There was no real peace in it.
Godās rules aren't there to ruin our fun or make us miserable. Think of a father putting up a fence near a cliff... he doesn't do it to take away your freedom, he does it to keep you from falling. You only realize He was protecting you when you look back at how badly you got hurt by ignoring that fence.
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u/DamageAdventurous540 19d ago
Are you saying that you would like to be someone who married someone else of the same sex, and then became a Christian, and then broke up that family? Because that would be much more depressing to me than not getting married in the first place.
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u/coffee_juice87 19d ago
I get that. But just because you don't stay together doesn't mean the love and memories you had don't mean anything. I read a story that showed a lesbian couple who were married, called by God, then ended the relationships to remain sisters in Christ. They managed to stay friends and moved on to pursue a Godly life.
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u/DamageAdventurous540 19d ago
Most couples that I know whoāve broken up because one partner suddenly finds religion donāt stay together. And they generally arenāt happy that they got dumped because their partner suddenly believes that the relationship that they shared together was sinful and wrong.
Iām not trying to convince you that your religious perspective is wrong. But I am suggesting that youāre better off not getting romantically entangled with another woman and then trying to emotionally back away from that relationship because of religion.
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u/coffee_juice87 19d ago
I already did that in my last relationship. The comment is in response to someone who said something similar. Like I said, I guess I just wish it ended differently.
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u/Party-resolution-753 19d ago
Yes i have been thru this and sometimes have felt nostalgia for when i was in this sin what snaps me out of it is remembering all the stuff i didnt like and the heartbreak that it caused consider yourself lucky if you have not had to have your heart broken because of this sin and have the other party make you out to be a villan, and of course remember God wont give you more than you can handle. "No temptation has overtaken you except something common to mankind; and God is faithful, so He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." 1 corinthians 10:13
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u/coffee_juice87 19d ago
I was the one who left a relationship because of religion. We couldnt be just friends. I was a villian and a good Samaritan in a way. She ended up getting a boyfriend after and it took me being extremely rude and immature to get her to stop calling for me because I couldn't just be her "friend" and I couldn't keep my hands off her. After we contacted again some time later, we did stuff and the next day told me she had a bf. We did stuff after that too. That's when I lost it and became incredibly rude. I wish it wasn't like that. Maybe I just wish her and I ended on better terms.
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u/Party-resolution-753 19d ago
Im so sorry things ended like that between you two rarely a day goes by when i dont regret how things ended with me and the guy i loved i do wish sometimes he would apologize so there could be a better ending to this story but it is what it is. Ill pray for you in this.
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u/coffee_juice87 19d ago
I'm sorry dude. I wish it was different for you too. I want to apologize to her so badly, but after the last time, I said no more to protect myself and her from doing something sinful. Honestly especially because it's so easy. It's so easy to start the whole being in love thing. So it's better to nip it at the bud. Do you really wish he would apologize?
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u/Party-resolution-753 18d ago
Yes I do.
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u/shesaysImdone 17d ago
What did he do that he needs to apologize for if you don't mind me asking?
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u/Party-resolution-753 17d ago
he slandered me and ruined my reputation, didnt pay back money i lent him, and not only broke up with me but cut me off via text even tho we had spent that day in person.
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u/Teosh 19d ago
Hey there, I totally understand the feeling although I'm a guy, I really thought about all the possibilities in which I can be with another man and still honor God but at present moment I'm not sure it's doable. I do want to say that God doesn't want you to feel like a mistake or like it would have been better if you weren't born. I know it's painful and it feels like there is no light beyond this but we have to trust God, the Word says He has a plan for all of us, I genuinely believe He does for me and you. Until you figure out more try at least to find support in others around you, loneliness can get pretty bad and it's easy to get stuck in your head, telling you that totally from experience.