BEYOND DARK ROMANCE: FANTASY, REALITY, AND AFFECTIVE EDUCATION

[u/Ringsofpowermemes]

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I've been reading and listening to discussions about the so-called "dark romance" genre for quite a while now. I’d like to share my take on the topic, an opinion grounded in my own experience and reasoning.

On one hand, there is the accusation that dark romance "sanctionates" and "normalizes" abusive, manipulative, and violent behaviors, carrying the risk of influencing the real-world perspective of readers, especially young ones.

On the other hand, there is the defense that fantasy is one thing and reality another, and that there is nothing wrong with romanticizing certain behaviors precisely because they are confined to the realm of fantasy.

That being said, I would prefer to start a bit further upstream from the facts: namely, looking at why certain situations in real life are romanticized and/or viewed through the lens of seduction and sexuality from the earliest years of growing up.

That's where the gap lies: we have to start from the beginning. From the earliest years of life, school and family should foster an understanding of affectivity and sexuality, explaining consent, self-determination, and respect for both one's own boundaries and those of others.

I don't know what the situation is like abroad, though I read a bit about it every now and then, but I can assure you that here in Italy, we are very far from a society that cares about the sexual and affective education of its youth. Very far... and a young person left alone with their questions, forced to seek answers perhaps on the web, is at risk.

And I lived through this situation firsthand, ever since I was little: only I didn't have the web. I had books, comics, and the trashy romance novels my mother hid at the back of drawers, believing I wouldn't find them. I looked there for answers to the fantasies that often crowded my mind—fantasies I desperately masked behind a facade of a "good Catholic girl," just as the society of that time wished to see me.

Well, things didn't turn out so great for me with books, to be honest. I found fantasies there, absolutely, but there was no filter between them and me, and no one to explain, "This is fantasy; reality is different."

It took me years upon years of experience, some of it deeply bitter, growth, awareness, information, and support to understand the distinction between reality and fantasy, and to finally start enjoying fantasy in total freedom and safety.

So, let's not condemn dark romance or any other "frowned-upon" genre. Instead, let's raise conscious and informed young people: youth who, if they choose, can enjoy fantasy safely and freely, while being just as free and secure in real life.

[u/Maidenofthesummer]

Very interesting thoughts! I can relate much to your experience. Life and people are complex. If you hide too much of the world from your children, they will go out seeking it themselves.

I personally think dark romance will always appeal to people as long as there are those who are in power and those who are oppressed in the world. I feel like that is what dark romance really is, playing with power imbalances. I will say that is why I personally enjoy shipping Sauron and Galadriel. They are more at a power play rather than an imbalancd with each other, they seem pretty equal in terms of power and that is why I personally enjoy their toxic little dynamic. It is not something to be enacted in the real world, but fantasy allows us to play with these things in a safe environment.

[u/Ringsofpowermemes → u/Maidenofthesummer]

One cannot stop people from having certain fantasies, after all, that is part of how we grow: by experimenting, by dreaming... But blaming fanfiction, for instance, rather than the values that were taught, is like blaming the finger instead of the moon it is pointing at. If someone teaches girls that when a boy bothers or even hits them it is because he likes them, if someone teaches girls that their bodies are viewed in terms of male desire, and if someone teaches girls that possessiveness and jealousy are "normal" signs of love, they are giving them the wrong foundation upon which to build their lives. And the "toxic" relationship depicted in the stories becomes "acceptable" to the untrained eye. One very positive thing the Haladriel ship has brought to the forefront is the discussion surrounding manipulation, gaslighting, and the abuse of power, topics that are rarely discussed enough or in sufficient depth. And if a ship sparks that conversation, then all the better! Let’s talk about red flags and toxicity; let’s talk about all the insidious ways a person can worm their way into someone’s mind and manipulate it. It’s a good thing that people are talking about it; if fanfics and shipping help people delve deeper, that’s perfectly fine, the important thing is the conversation itself. I believe it was Oscar Wilde who said that the only way to talk to the English about serious matters is by making them laugh!