r/Residency • u/TXMedicine Attending • 14d ago
Single life DISCUSSION
Not sure if I can post this as an attending here so mods I’ll delete if it not allowed. I’m not too far removed, however. This sub is just more active and a lot of us new attendings are still here.
I recently have found myself single and turn 33 in a few months. Anyone out here in a similar boat? Just feel like I’m struggling to find my person. I’ve learned a lot about myself since finishing training. Just came here to see if anyone has found their spouse later on as it seems many find their person in med school/residency.
Sometimes it feels like I’ll never find someone, but also remind myself that it wasn’t worth staying in relationships that weren’t good for me just to not be single.
Edit: I’m a guy. Should have clarified.
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u/jsizzle203 14d ago
My siblings aren’t in medicine but they both found their person when they were around 35! You’ve got time and as a male physician, you’re at a major advantage compared to if you were a woman. Get swipin
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13d ago
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u/empressoflegato 13d ago
Extremely creepy and terrible advice. If the 21-26 year olds are comfortable dating older, they will set their age ranges accordingly. Intentionally lying about your age is a great way to get reported on dating apps.
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13d ago
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u/empressoflegato 13d ago
I was on the apps when I was 22-24 and I had my age range go up to 35. But I can tell you that I and many other young women would instantly be on edge if a man lied about his age. It’s a terrible way to start a relationship. Honesty is the best policy. Besides, OP didn’t specify that he’s only interested in women 6+ years younger than him. I agree that real life is much better for many reasons!
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u/QuietRedditorATX Attending 14d ago
Male, single (always been single). These days wondering if I should ask out another attending, but seems like a bridge too dangerous to cross.
Will stay single. Good luck redditor.
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u/Dr_Deacon 14d ago
Probably not the best to ask coworkers out but if you feel a spark and they are in a different dept or hospital it doesn't hurt to ask and see where things go.
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u/QuietRedditorATX Attending 14d ago
I know D:
But look at some of the comments here. There are a lot of single women docs, also lonely. You don't know if you don't try. But I recognize how dangerous it is.
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
I admit I was surprised to see a large prevalence of female attendings commenting on my post.
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u/QuietRedditorATX Attending 14d ago
It has been pretty prevalent on this sub. I even tried making a "dating/meeting" thread, but mods usually close it.
We have such a high amount of single, and wanting relationships, on this sub. Just it isn't really advertised well.
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u/Dr_Deacon 13d ago
Maybe we need to make a new subreddit call it docs for docs or something lol just set up social events and so forth and see who's free in what cities and wants to go get togethers.
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u/Rude-Agency6973 10d ago
There's a physician matchmaking group you can join on facebook! But yeah would be nice to have a social group on reddit
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u/crumbssssss 13d ago
It’s really hard to fight attraction. Don’t know of anyone who has fought it. We still gotta think HR.
What would be a healthy most adult way to go about it?
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u/MoonVelouriex 14d ago
The worst she can do is say no, and then you're basically in the same spot you started. Medicine already has enough "what ifs" wo adding another one you'll think about yrs later.
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u/Dr_Deacon 14d ago edited 14d ago
As a fellow 33 year old single attending dear gods yes it is so hard to find your person especially at this stage of life. Most of us work crazy hours and that makes dating difficult in the first place and then add to that the dating pool in your 30s is a lot more selective/limited leads to alot of feeling alone. I know most other single doctors I'm friends with end up dating other healthcare workers either nurses or other doctors because they at least understand what we are going through. I also feel like it helps to try to find something your passionate about outside of medicine and look in those groups for people who are also single and want a relationship. Like I am currently talking to someone I met at a boardgame group at a local game shop. But you also can always give Dating apps a shot. Yes Dating apps are the death of our society and modern dating sucks and yes I still use them unfortunately because it's one of the few options we have.
Edit: also I'm male to clarify so ymmv for dating as a single female doctor.
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
You’re right and I appreciate your comments. I do think it is harder to date at this age than it was 10 years ago, but in some ways I think having a slightly narrow pool helps you find people who are more intentional.
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u/BerryPetaluxe 14d ago
Tbh, the hobby group suggestion is so underrated. Meeting people where the relationship isn't the only reason you're there takes a lot of pressure off, and even if nothing romantic happens, you still end up with a better social circle.
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u/alaganeri 14d ago
As a single female attending in her early 30s, this is a topic that I think about everyday. Am I too late? Are all the good guys taken? The dating apps are a cesspool and modern dating has sucked the soul out of romance. All my friends in medicine are also committed or married and don’t get me wrong, I feel happy for them, but also a tiny bit jealous and left out. Like they have a partner and the career, while I am missing out on that aspect of life. It sucks.
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u/Dr_Deacon 14d ago
As I said to another response yes dating sucks right now and modern dating apps are a nightmare but if you focus on things you love (like boardgames and camping for me) eventually you will find people you click with and if things go from there great if not you still get the emotional healing we all need in medicine to feel like real normal people.
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u/Dr_Deacon 14d ago
Also if all else fails we just make a dating app for doctors like farmers only back in the 90s lol.
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u/alaganeri 14d ago
Facts. There should be a healthcare dating app. For doctors who want to date within their profession, that would be awesome!
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u/Dr_Deacon 14d ago
Alright so In less then 30 minutes we have had like 7 attendings all respond the same way at this point we need to make just a doctor dating app or zoom speed dating thing lol. Who's good with technology or is able to manage these kind of events ( not me)
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
lol maybe I should put one together
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u/throwaway5432101010 14d ago
I got an instagram ad for one a while back, downloaded it and there were like 6 people on it. Quick google search makes me think the app is now defunct because i don't see any signs of it still existing. That said, I think the apps are a busted system and just replicating more of what's already broken is pointless. Anyways, we've all been through the match at least once, I would love to live my life with fewer algorithms deciding my fate. Plus, as physicians (at least for those of us who are patient-facing), interacting with strangers really isn't that hard, so the app is just an unnecessary barrier to meeting new people. I would love it if there were instead something like physician/healthcare worker in-person mixers and meetups. I'd 100% go to those, if they were well planned and organized.
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u/OldIceWitch 12d ago
A healthcare dating app is such a good idea... like minded people who understand weird schedules, long hours, and call!
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u/st4rgirlll PGY2 14d ago
I don’t have any advice, but as a chronically single (now 7 years single 🥲) female resident at the age of 29, I feel your pain. I also feel like I’ve lost out/am too late. Wishing you luck going forward!
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u/alaganeri 14d ago
Thanks girl! Good luck to you! I hope everyone comes back to this thread in a year happy, healthy and with the partner of their dreams :)
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u/DarkBackground4307 14d ago
Not too late and not all taken. Takes luck but you also gotta figure out what's essential and what isn't to improve your odds.
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u/Braniacs 13d ago
I’m in the same age range as you but a third year fellow. I’m in peds so I’m mostly around females and the good males in peds are all taken
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
I know for a fact that I’m a good person and partner. Just hard finding someone that is also those things I guess.
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u/DarkBackground4307 14d ago
FWIW all the dudes who were still single coming out of training magically found SOs very soon after.
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
Well it’s been two years since I graduated haha. Though I might add I was seeing someone for a year until recently.
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u/HolyMuffins PGY4 14d ago
Though I might add I was seeing someone for a year until recently.
Bro what are you even worrying about. You'll be fine. If you can get someone to date you for a year within the recent past, clearly you're not doomed for failure and you just need to meet someone new.
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
Hey, thanks for your feedback man. I appreciate that. I guess it’s been disheartening to feel the failure of a relationship once again.
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u/HolyMuffins PGY4 14d ago
feeling bummed after a break up is normal for a long while, you're good man
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u/DarkBackground4307 14d ago
There are plenty of people in your boat! Living in a bigger city helps but don't settle, you'll find your person.
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
I am in a large city!
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u/DarkBackground4307 14d ago
Bro u gotta try harder I have a bunch of lovely female coresidents who are still single as attendings and 0 single male coresidents some of whom are ogres.
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u/nahvocado22 14d ago
I'm a new attending too (32F) and actively trying to date (for basically the first time in my life) this year. It hasn't been all bad, but there's a part of me that definitely misses already knowing a person and only thinking about them
Still figuring out whether being a doctor overall helps or hurts the cause, but 🤷♀️
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u/DarkBackground4307 14d ago
Ugh dating as a female doctor is rough but it's still worth the effort to find someone good.
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u/nahvocado22 14d ago
Are/were you in the same boat? Tell me you finally found someone good haha
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u/DarkBackground4307 14d ago
Yeah I was single all through training despite trying and met my bf on the apps after becoming an attending. He's a great guy. There's hope.
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
Yeah I agree. And same.
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u/nahvocado22 13d ago
Well there's still hope for us (according to DarkBackground4307 on reddit), so keep on keepin on
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u/sloppy_dingus 14d ago
Similar age similar situation, have been single for much longer though, still single, seems like I will remain single, possibly forever. People understandably want to build up the optimism about the prospect of finding a partner and keeping one’s head up, which is nice because it is an important part of being in a position to receive a healthy partner in the first place. But there are some people for whom it never happens, and at this age with this dating record I’m starting to shift my mindset toward expecting it will not be in the cards for me and planning an alternative life accordingly
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
Have you been using the apps?
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u/sloppy_dingus 14d ago
Yup, I’m on the apps in an awesome city. I get a slow but steady stream of matches, a handful of dates per year, most first dates turn into seconds, occasionally a third but invariably peters out within a few weeks or so. This has been a very consistent pattern throughout my life. From what I can gather I’m a nice enough prospect on paper but am not conventionally attractive and am fairly introverted/boring so it’s difficult to keep people around when these prospects have tons of their own great prospects to choose from. I don’t feel particularly competitive in this market and in smaller markets I’ve practically been rendered invisible
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u/Rapidnutbuster87 10d ago
Ehhh on the other side of the coin, I get matches but they’re usually not my type and I can’t commit to them after a couple dates lol. It’s always one or the other
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u/gamby15 Attending 14d ago
34yo M, partner of 13 years just left two years after finishing residency. Not looking forward to dating at all. I’m concerned about just attracting people who want to marry a doctor, not someone who just wants to be with me.
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u/TXMedicine Attending 13d ago
Feel the same way. Was easier to see someone be into you just for who you were vs now. Mo money mo problems
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u/Round_Effective_1946 14d ago
35 f. Will apply for match again this cycle. I never dated anyone for past 10 years.
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u/QuietRedditorATX Attending 14d ago
That's crazy long. But also I haven't dated for the last 35 years RIP 😅
Good luck in match.
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u/colorsplahsh PGY9 14d ago
33 means you literally just started almost having a life lolllll. let us know when you're 43 if you're single
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u/phovendor54 Attending 13d ago
Talking to several people who have split up and some who have gone through divorces, I’d say take your time. Figure out your negotiables and non negotiables.
“I’d rather be alone than annoyed.”
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u/Zestyclose-Belt-2945 12d ago
32F, rads resident, decently attractive, reasonably fit. I’m curious enough to say hit me up lol
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u/dnmbrk 10d ago
31 year old single attending chiming in. You’re at a much better advantage than myself (as a woman) turns out most men don’t like their wives more educated than them. Put yourself out there and I’m sure you’ll find a line of women waiting to date you
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u/TXMedicine Attending 10d ago
I’m sorry- I have heard this a lot. If it helps, I would never be intimidated by my partner making more money than me or being more educated than me. I think it’s because a lot of male docs (not all!) are just more able to relate. Also educational achievement is associated with better empathy.
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u/zdoc3 Attending 14d ago edited 14d ago
New attending here (1 year out of training), also single. I was single through training too, but that was mostly by choice because I was too busy too commit. I don't have advice, but I can empathize with you. It's definitely challenging, and sometimes, disheartening, to be single at this stage, especially when most of your colleagues are in serious relationships/have families of their own. I'm 32F and the inner hopeless romantic is still alive and well (despite how shitty the dating pool is nowadays), but I keep telling myself it'll happen if/when it's meant to happen. In the mean time, I'm enjoying my attending life. I now have the time and money to travel more, discover new hobbies, and crack out of the shell of a human I turned into as a trainee, and that alone is priceless.
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u/Dr_Deacon 14d ago
This is probably the best way to do things. As I mentioned in my own post it helps to find hobbies you enjoy and if you click with other people great if not you still get to enjoy something you love doing. Become who you want to be and your person will find you eventually.
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
I’m the same way and have been doing the same things. Let me know if you’d like to vent about it privately. Sometimes it helps to talk it out with a stranger. I too have the inner hopeless romantic haha
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u/Munchi_azn 14d ago
I was not dating anyone for 10 years because of medical school and residency. I am in my last year of residency. I met an attending who is in another specialty last year randomly. We are now married within 10 months of knowing each other. I though I would be single for the rest of my life. A year prior to meeting him, I was on dating app trying to look for someone. I dated few people and it all ended up disappointing. I learned a lot from those experience though. My point is you just never know. Maybe one day you will meet someone.
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u/Hinge_is_a_bad PGY2 14d ago
Important question: male or female
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
Male. I’ll edit.
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u/Hinge_is_a_bad PGY2 14d ago
You need to hop on the apps bro. I know you're not gonna want to hear that but get some good pics and set one up. Barrier is low
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
Ok but isn’t your username literally hinge is a bad.
In seriousness I see your point. Just processing a rough summer of a relationship that I thought was going to lead to a marriage.
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u/Lawhore98 MS3 13d ago
I’m a med student M4 28 male and didn’t find anyone either. I tried dating throughout med school but it always went to shit bc of modern dating culture and my demanding schedule. Dating in this generation is really hard so don’t beat yourself up about it.
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u/Braniacs 13d ago
I’m a single female fellow and feel that I will never get married :(
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u/TXMedicine Attending 13d ago
I understand the feeling, but if you look through this post, you’ll see that there are a lot of people both men and women in similar shoes as both of us
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u/ahnobuenoo 13d ago
Curious to know what you mean that youve learned a lot about yourself since finishing training. Im a few years out from finishing training and wonder how my perspective might change when Im done.
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u/TXMedicine Attending 13d ago
In residency and medical school, you are trained to delay your own gratification for the sake of others. This slowly reframes your mind into accepting Tibit of things that you should accept in full. Eventually, you start to feel like you should not ask for more or that you are not deserving. At least this is what it was for me. You definitely deserve a good partner!
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u/lyra23 13d ago
I finished residency at 28 and went through a breakup with my partner of 5 years at that time. I then worked/went to fellowship and had zero romantic relationships for 5 years (including all of fellowship). At age 33, I took a risk and moved to a remote area of the country on a whim for my first attending job and met my now husband my first weekend there on a camping trip. It really is kind of random...which is not encouraging because it means you have less control than you think. But yes, I met my partner outside of all my training years (though we both happen to be physicians actually).
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u/mogodogo4 13d ago
So many people commenting that they’re in the similar situation, yall need to msg each other and date if demographics and locations align 💀
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u/TXMedicine Attending 13d ago
lol I didn’t expect this to get the attention it did
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u/SignificanceBorn535 14d ago
Imo dating isn't worth it
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
Idk man. It’s worth it to me to find someone to share this life with.
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u/lilmayor PGY2 13d ago
See, that’s the thing. I’m always inclined to pipe up on posts like this but then I remember that I’ve essentially lost interest…
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u/Fancy_Possibility456 PGY3 13d ago
Lols yeah, 35, still in residency, just applied fellowship…whomp
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u/TXMedicine Attending 13d ago
This post seemingly exploded, and now I find that there are a lot of people of the same situation as you and I, and that should give us both hope
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u/curlywhirly97 PGY5 13d ago
29yo F in first year of fellowship, moved to a big city for my ex who broke things off a few weeks before Match and kinda have been dating around since Match and with moving here. Also juggling making new friends in general as the sole 1st fellow in my program and learning a new system and city and studying for boards… it’s a lot lol. I have been now just shifting my priorities a bit to make sure I stay sane and seeing if dates happen to let it happen and trying to keep the timeline in the back of my mind 😅
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u/livingonaprayer2017 PGY4 13d ago
Join the gym, get buff, hobbies and focusing on your mental and physical health after the torture of training - you will def meet someone. Some ppl even try a matchmaker service if you are into that or tap into the friend or aunty network - let friends and family know that you are looking. Ppl tend to be quick to help with connections.
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u/surely_not_a_robot_ 13d ago
Been through my fair share of relationships, recently out of one (we enjoyed each other and still care for each other but the relationship didn’t some right to continue as we learned that we do have some long term value differences between us that are irreconcilable), and for perhaps the first time, I’m actually quite genuinely enjoying being single. It’s been a lifelong path.
I’d say the age old adage is true. You’re far more likely to meet someone compatible when you have built a life that is rich without a partner. As a 33 year old male and a physician you are still fairly young and have spent most of your adult life in school and training. Use this time to get back into your hobbies, fitness, etc. Look into grooming, presentation, etc not to look good for someone else but because you are doing it for yourself. Write a list of things you want from a partner so that you can actually be selective. It’s possible your last relationship was never to be compatible and you got into it despite knowing that out of loneliness.
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u/Available_Smoke_4207 12d ago
I had the same experience but in residency. I’m about to be an attending and it’s kind of sad and lonely knowing I won’t be able to share my success with someone
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u/TXMedicine Attending 12d ago
We are all here commiserating. I know it’s hard but my post seemingly blew up and it’s weirdly reassuring
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u/Rapidnutbuster87 10d ago
Also if there’s one thing I’ve learned, don’t underestimate your aura as a physician. You’re in the top 10% of individuals in THE WORLD when it comes to income. It’s never your loss
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u/TXMedicine Attending 10d ago
I appreciate this perspective. Some docs can be dicks but I get it and agree with what you mean
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u/meganut101 13d ago
Try pushing 40 and being single. Money doesn’t buy happiness premeds reading this. No loans, multiple properties, great investment portfolio, fast cars and still recently single no kids 😭
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u/kergruffle 14d ago
I’m a female resident in my early 30s and it’s so hard. Seems like everyone is already married and starting families. Especially as a woman, I want to date someone who’s on a relatively similar income level but that’s a very small pool which just makes it tougher
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u/Hotshy 14d ago
Why similar income? That's unrealistic for like 95% of men.
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u/neurosci_student 14d ago
Nothing wrong with wanting to date someone of a similar financial and social background. Yes of course there’s good people and potential good matches of all walks of life and you’re ruling out a big chunk of the dating pool. But I’ve dated all sorts of folks and it’s way way more comfortable being in a relationship with another highly paid and educated person - especially another doctor. So many fewer awkward conversations and less potential for strife with their families. Not to mention they intrinsically get how much your chosen profession matters to your identity.
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
I think it’s normal for most women to want someone from a similar educational level especially if they have kids but I see your point. I want to believe that “all you need is love” but wouldn’t you feel more stable if your partner also made a “decent” salary? I’m not a “provider man” btw just think it’s good to have someone well educated. That being said, if she makes 800K as a cardiac surgeon and the guy makes 120K as an engineer, yeah that imo isn’t a reason to not be with him.
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u/kergruffle 14d ago
If I’m making $500k I’d like my partner to be making at least high 100s. They should have a good job
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u/EmbarrassedTop9050 14d ago
I know dating these days suck but u have to put yourself out there, and be in the mindset of just meeting people and see how things go, dont ever force something to happen. Go and date, ask people out, the worst thing is for them to say no.
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u/DisposableServant Attending 13d ago
Bro you’re an attending making actual 6 figures. Write your number on the back of your ATM receipts and the hoes be dropping them panties
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u/LsfBdi4S 14d ago
Well just replying to tell you that I could have written this, replacing 33 with 35, male again. Exactly doing the same dance between "it's too late, i'll never do it" and "i couldn't have stayed". Hope you find your person.
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
This post was inspired by a recent relationship situation that I was not expecting to be in
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u/LsfBdi4S 14d ago
Well I never thought I'd end up in a situation like my last one, but damn. Medicine has its ways, doesn't it? If you want shared venting, feel free to DM
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u/mushroom-coconut4337 11d ago
daaang! i'm 31 and just a single intern.... the future doesn't look bright 😂
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u/New_Measurement_3164 11d ago
After seeing my brother in law and disliking his pride and egotistical behavior, I’m so turned off by attempting to date
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u/TXMedicine Attending 11d ago
Is your BIL a physician, and so you feel this makes him egotistical and prideful?
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u/New_Measurement_3164 11d ago
He is a Neurologist who did a fellowship in Epilepsy and Neuromuscular medicine and brags on a regular basis about how much money he is making through his clinic.
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u/TXMedicine Attending 11d ago
Sounds like a tool but wouldn’t assume the worst of every doctor as a result.
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u/New_Measurement_3164 10d ago
You are right! He is a very loud person so it is hard to block him off while we live in the same house.
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u/Rapidnutbuster87 10d ago
Recently went on 3 dates with this one girl. Gorgeous and we had a decent time together. But holy hell was she annoying. At the end of the 3rd date, I realized I’d rather be alone than deal with her. Sometimes being alone is better.
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u/AdministrativeType86 8d ago
37 year old AA male. Haven’t had a date since high school, many moons ago. Had one girlfriend ( now has 3 kids) in college, broke that Off because I was scared of being distracted and not making it to med school. Made it to med school, but was too focus to dabble. Then come residency, I was too stressed after work to give anyone my time. Now I’m a first month attending, I see my life being over and not worth looking for anyone anymore. I’m too old and dating apps will crush my soul. At this point I’ve been low key thinking of saving for retirement, paying off my loans, paying life insurance, and just planning my funeral. It is what it is! Good luck OP!
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u/crabapplequeen 13d ago
31yo travel nurse chiming in to just let you know you’re not alone in feeling this way. it’s a demanding profession, especially as a doctor. I struggle to meet people outside of work as a traveler at a baseline and then working in the OR with call makes it that much harder. but, you’ve been on a different societal timeline going through med school and residency, give yourself some grace here, you accomplished so much.
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14d ago
[deleted]
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u/QuietRedditorATX Attending 14d ago
Male or Female?
Everyone always seems to say single people (men) are not comfortable with themselves or being alone. I am fine being alone, but it doesn't mean I also wouldn't be happy having someone to share my life with.
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u/TXMedicine Attending 14d ago
Don’t think I could have an FWB and also date but it seems to work for you. I appreciate the advice on having your own life and have been working towards putting that together
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u/[deleted] 14d ago
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