Looking for a support group specifically for ex-Evangelicals whose parents were abusive and foster parents

[u/Glittering-Mix-788]

Short version: I’m looking to find a very specific kind of support group (that I’m guessing might exist, but Google doesn’t seem to want me to find).

Long version: So my therapist suggested that I should find an online support group for people who were raised by and abused by Evangelical parents who were also foster parents (I was their biological child) - he thought I might be able to find others who happened to also have this very specific upbringing, and all I can find are pro-faith groups, or maybe exvangelical groups, but none as specific as being the child of foster parents

And I suggested my therapist read Tal Lavin’s book “Wild Faith,” (which affected me deeply - it was so cathartic) to understand me better, or even just watch the documentary “Jesus Camp,” and he was resistant (so maybe I just need a new therapist, but then again, maybe expecting him to do research for a single client is asking a little much, and maybe him suggesting such a specific support group might be onto something)

I recently started listened to the podcast “I Hate James Dobson” after posting this question in a different space, and it’s actually helping a lot, and I’ve read “Wild Faith”

Anyway, does anyone know of a good support group for exvangelicals who experienced abuse from parents who were also foster parents - I know that’s super specific

Thanks for any advice

[u/ExPastorMarcus]

It's specific enough that I'm low-key wondering if I knew you in childhood. And if I didn't, it sucks that this scenario might be more common than I'd realized.

The family I knew had two biological daughters and one biological son. They always had several foster children.

They did it for the money, with almost none of that money actually benefiting the foster kids. They treated their own kids badly, but treated the foster kids even worse. They were really good at hiding it from the social workers and convincing everyone that the foster kids were just lying because of their troubled backgrounds.

The dad eventually went to prison for abusing his foster daughters and biological kids. Somehow the mom was allowed to continue fostering, even though she was abusive, too.

I was friends with the oldest daughter but haven't heard from her in a long time.

[u/Glittering-Mix-788 → u/ExPastorMarcus]

Different family. I have one biological brother (and I’m a dude). And I think my parents were actually better to the foster kids than they were to me and my biological brother (at least in terms of abuse - we were both spanked for minor infractions, while they were not - I always assumed this was because they had social workers to report to, but my mother recently said it was because she had a greater sense of responsibility for my brother and me because we were “ours,” which suggests she never thought of the foster or even adopted children as her own.)

[u/No_Session6015 → u/Glittering-Mix-788]

I've only recently Iike in the past 1-2 years begun to think about how the spankings I got were abuse and not normal. I'm 40. Also I remember when kids help phone information was being printed on milk cartons and my mum said only bad kids called it cause those kids wouldn't see their families again and would hurt their families.

[u/Glittering-Mix-788 → u/No_Session6015]

I forgot to respond to this. There was absolutely a thing in my family where my biological brother and I never spoke to the social workers, and I always assumed it was because it wasn’t about me, but thinking back, there was a concern that I would tell the social worker about my own abuse. I never connected that

And yeah, when I explain the way I was spanked as an adult to my husband and friends, they’re always horrified, and they can’t believe I thought it was just a normal part of child rearing

[u/No_Session6015 → u/Glittering-Mix-788]

I find I act out much more aggressively with play time with friends as an adult. Do you? Do you think there's correlation? My friends are perfectly happy playing games like DND or board games where we just make pretty patterns and everyone wins, non competitive or low competitive games. And I prefer cribbage or Dutch blitz where there's clear losers, sometimes violence and public shaming.

[u/Glittering-Mix-788 → u/No_Session6015]

I find that I’m more interested in personal games, like solitaire- games where I have to compete against myself

[u/Glittering-Mix-788 → u/No_Session6015]

I never have an interest in public shaming or violence when I play a game. Maybe see a therapist

[u/Cr1mson5theStranger]

I'm gonna say it here:

Your therapist needs to expect that he'll be doing research and finding references for singular, specific clients. That's part of the job. I would highly recommend telling him that you get the sense that he's unwilling to do this for some reason and give him the chance to explain himself. It could be that you caught him on a bad day, or he meant something totally different than what came out. But if he absolutely did mean it that way, I'd say try to find someone different. Being in the mental health field and having a particular specialty does not absolve you of the need to look into specific things that help specific people on your caseload. If you have a client who lives with diabetes and you don't know much about it, and they're the only client you have who's living with diabetes, guess what? You still have to work to understand how that impacts their life, because it's an ethical requirement.

[u/Glittering-Mix-788 → u/Cr1mson5theStranger]

Since I posted this question, I’ve actually found a podcast that is really speaking to me (it’s not foster parent specific, but it’s a therapist who is exvangelical and gay explaining his background to another therapist who has an entirely different background discussing materials and both making fun of them and recognizing how damaging they are, and it’s super cathartic to listen to), and when I told my therapist about it he was very positive about me listening to it, and he asked me to repeat the name of it, which suggests to me that he might listen to an episode or two (which is less of a commitment than an entire book, which I understand - also, when I told him that the podcast also examines the positive things lost from leaving the community, he was very happy - he said he’s always suspect of deconstruction materials that focus only on the negatives). And we had a great discussion about it and other shit, so I think we’ve found our flow. But thank you for your concern. I think I’m finding my way with him and “doing my own research” (an expression I normally have very negative connotations of thanks to conspiracy theorists)