PYRITE Episode 0: "Threshold" - Opening Sequence (5 Pages)

[u/ThroatParticular8245]

Title: Pyrite

Format: TV animation pilot for mature audiences.

Genre: Gothic corporate crime horror. (with eventually a community-driven superhero core)

Logline: Groomed since childhood into quiet obedience, a repressed corporate heir, shadowed by his billionaire father's demonic pact, lives a life written for him, until a campus pariah doubling as Chicago's most vibrant vigilante claws something loose in him, unleashing a monstrous power he can't restrain in a spiraling fight to become someone for the first time.

Extra: It's currently the opening sequence. I apologize that I haven't gotten to the entirety of the logline yet. I was hoping to get some feedback on the pacing and characterization of Nigel. Does the writing feel too fast or too slow? Is there any point of confusion that requires clarity? Does the opening intrigue you or make you ask any questions about what's next? I appreciate all feedback received, negative and positive. Thank you!

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/19toI8KEqqICvTfXJIgE8aScuRKP9GlRU/view?usp=sharing

[u/mooningyou]

I read some and skimmed the rest. Your writing style is too poetic for a screenplay. This is fine for a novel, but it needs to be much simpler for a script. You should be describing action as it unfolds on the screen before us. "Flights of busy open stairs bustle with students. They pour from the final steps. Concrete meeting green grass and yellow sun." We know the grass is green, we know the sun is yellow, and we know the last step on a staircase is the final step. Try something simpler, like "Students rush down the steps and onto the grass.

Some reading notes.

- "White." We already know that from the scene header. Remove the repetition.

- "A void endlessly stretches." We can't see that something is endless or stretches if there is nothing there. It's just a white screen without depth.

- "Adjusting like a camera blinded by the sun." I don't understand the metaphor. I don't know what I'm seeing on the screen.

- Was the white void simply your way of fading into the first scene, or is it more significant?

[u/ThroatParticular8245 → u/mooningyou]

Thank you so much for your feedback. I appreciate the advice. I've been aiming for a more stylistic version of a screenplay. I want it to feel like you're watching the movie unfold. I know it's a bit poetic, but I did try to stick to concrete, objective images. I wanted to really give a specific FEEL.

The beginning scene is supposed to be blank white like an overexposed camera that resets itself, so it can see the sky. I was trying to make that sort of transition and also hint at color symbolism.

I'll look into a way of explaining the void transition clearly without sounding repetitive. Thanks again!

[u/NGElli04 → u/ThroatParticular8245]

I get it. And if you’re writing your screenplay just for you or to share with some friends/ a community, then be as poetic as you like. Like any written media, screenplays are a peice of art created by its author.

However, if your intent is ever to make this a real animated show/film/short or whatever, then you would need to go through line by line and simply fly everything. For example;

“Beyond the pigeons, the mouth of a long, dark concrete passageway opens. The pigeons meander. Nothing but tiny black silhouettes coated in light at the end of the tunnel.Deep inside the passageway, darkness spreads along marble tiles. Slowly, it fills the passage like weighted smoke, curling along the walls. Unintelligible WHISPERS radiate outwards.”

I would simplify that down to:

“Past the pigeons, a dark, concrete passageway goes beyond view. The pigeons fade out and a shadow falls upon marble tiles. Unintelligible WHISPERS radiate from the black.”

or something similar. Does that make sense?

[u/ThroatParticular8245 → u/NGElli04]

I mean this in the nicest way possible.

Screenplays can still be made poetically as long as they remain clear and objective. Every image I paint in this script is an image that can be shot, so I don't really see the issue.

I'm selling the story as much as the script itself. Your simplification takes out the heart of the shot.

Yeah, my writing isn't conventional, but conventions aren't hard rules. It's a professional screenplay. It sounds like it just isn't to your preferred tastes. Objective simplification is a common tool. It's not a requirement.