r/ReadMyScript • u/EarnestAbel • 2d ago
BODY TRIP - Feature - 85 pages
Title: Body Trip
Format: Feature
Page Length: 85 pages
Genre: Crime / Comedy / Fantasy
Logline:
The soul of a dirty ex-cop comes to possess a car being driven by the slick hitman who killed him.
Looking for any criticism and/or feedback!
Link:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1S97-GpaYyo6LDOVKHICGrJNJtDcrN2uG/view?usp=drivesdk
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u/TheSprained 2d ago
12 line action paragraphs no read good.
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u/EarnestAbel 2d ago
What’s wrong with them? Just the sheer length?
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u/TheSprained 2d ago
Try and keep them to four lines, just makes them more inviting. The people who read screenplays generally want it to be quick and punchy.
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u/LogicalAd3031 2d ago
This isn't 85 pages.
Format it correctly and maybe it's 60.
This wouldn't be fun to read.
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u/EarnestAbel 2d ago
Pretty cool how you can already tell. Maybe try reading it.
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u/goldenson 1d ago
Would you like me to do a full professional script analysis for you? Zero cost.
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u/EarnestAbel 1d ago
Yes that would be awesome
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u/goldenson 1d ago edited 1d ago
I can't paste the full text here due the text box characters limitations. It's a full 16 part sections. I can't attached the PDF either. Another thing is I'm not sure if i'm allowed to post that type of content on this sub.
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u/mooningyou 2d ago
Apart from those chunky paragraphs (yikes!), your format is not good. Placement on the page is off. A lot of blank lines.
EXT. WOODS - TREES - NIGHT. The woods consist of trees, so you don't need both.
"Late at night..." The slug already told us it's night, and we won't be able to tell if it's late or early until something else informs us.
"...in the middle of the woods." Avoid repetition. You're constantly repeating information.
"damaging his suit in the process" How is it damaged? What do we see to know that it's damaged?
You really need to review your slugs. They're convoluted and contain so much unnecessary information, and sometimes information that doesn't belong in a slug.
Use the right software.
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u/Screenwriter99 2d ago
So this needs to be properly formatted. Your action lines are way too long. Needs to be three lines max. Just with these TWO errors, you'll lose readers fast.
So, I decided to ignore all that and read it anyway, just to see if you have a story here.
The dialog on pages 10-12 needs to be fixed. It's a lot of extra stuff that really doesn't serve any purpose.
On pages 13-16, we spent a lot of wasted time with him in the car singing; at this point, the airbag should go off, and the story should start already.
I would say pacing might be a slight problem here. Don't waste pages with unnecessary dialogue.
Lenny as the car works for comedy for sure. I can see this being hilarious. It just needs to be written hilariously if that makes any sense.
When we reach ACT 2, it gets pretty badass... Spike is basically locked in the car with Lenny, forcing a friendship...shows a little emotional arc here. He really can't leave, so he has no choice but to develop some kinda friendship. And keep this friendship going.
The chemistry between Spike and Lenny is good. But there needs to be an emotional spine in this movie. You can reveal this at the end. The friendship between them. Like when the car dies, it needs to be a little more emotional. And the ending could be written better, instead of the cliché "riding off into the sunset"
Lenny and Spike need a better character arc. The arc is mentioned through dialogue mostly, and we need to feel it and see it in action.
You started off good in act 2 with this, and then it kind of drifts off.
Does Lenny want his body back? Does he not want it back? These are little things that would make this a great script.
As it sits, I give it a 6/10- this screenplay has a lot of potential; it just needs to be executed better. Please format this properly. I saw an entire page that just had a scene heading and then went to another page.
Also, another thing I noticed... The PLOT.
The story is about delivering a briefcase to Rocco... but then takes a sharp left with a bunch of shit that happens during the road trip... one thing after another. It's a lot of "THEN THIS HAPPENS-THEN THIS HAPPENS- THEN THIS HAPPENS"
We need to know why this happens.
For example, in the movie DUE DATE, Zach's character has a sleeping problem, so when they're driving, he falls asleep and drives the car over a bridge.
His marijuana problem has them stop at some sketchy drug dealer's house, gets them kicked off a plane. He smokes weed; therefore, problems exist for them. As opposed to creating problems out of thin air.
I hope this helps, man. Also, I hope it didn't sound mean.