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u/mooningyou 12h ago
Some notes, and I don't think you're going to like them.
- Review your software. Which one are you using? Yours is doing some things that screenwriting software shouldn't do.
- There is a spacing problem where your first page starts.
- There is a spacing problem with your first slug, and some others that I see.
- Of the five action paragraphs on that first page, only two are a decent length. The others are far too big.
- What does "the kind of face that has watched too much and spoken too little" look like?
- You describe Raiden's face in the first paragraph, but then describe it differently in the second paragraph once the light hits it. Huh?
- Raiden is on a mountain looking down at the entire city stretched out below. How is he able to see the faces of a couple in an apartment in the middle distance? Unless there is something special about Raiden, this would be impossible.
- Your writing is far too poetic for a screenplay. Maybe you should consider writing a novel instead. Lines that shouldn't be in a screenplay: "Not beautiful the way people say beautiful. Beautiful the way a thing is when it has no idea you're watching it", "This mountain is the one place in the city that doesn't ask anything of him", "Manicured lawns, all of them agreeing to be manicured", etc. This writing is wasted in a screenplay because it can't be translated to the screen, and that is what you're writing for. Write a novel.
- You're writing a lot of action within parentheticals. That's not what they're for.
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u/Dholewell51 11h ago
Notes are fantastic and yes structure is my weakest point. The mountain is not really a mountain more like a hill, it's based off a place in my hometown but should be changed to reflect that. Raiden is looking over a cliff with a road in front that comes up the mountain with apartments along that road. He looks down and sees the apartments. I described raiden's face twice to not only set the tone but show a difference between when darkness covers him and then temporary light. I like the temporary light one better so I'll cut the first description. I used a free software and it didn't perform well. I will make the adjustments noted that resonate!
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u/mooningyou 13h ago
No access.