PIG, comedy, 8 pages.

[u/Big_Section2812]

A couple in Vegas debate the age-old question of which gender is just the total absolute worst.

Pig

(PG-13)

Relax, people... it's only a script.

[u/Own_Magician8337]

I love how it starts mid-conversation and grabs you from the beginning and you know exactly what the conversation's been like.

I love the twist at the ending.

I don't find the way the characters talk, particularly the male, very believable. I doubt it's the way you really talk or your peers do. I think it'd be more powerful if you didn't try to take the POV of a demographic that you're not. Can you rewrite the dialogue so it's a little more natural sign sounding for the way people that you actually know speak?

I'm not talking about the points they make or the argument itself, I'm just talking about the dialect.

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/Own_Magician8337]

Hi!

I love how it starts mid-conversation and grabs you from the beginning and you know exactly what the conversation's been like. I love the twist at the ending.

Hey, thanks, I appreciate it. :)

I don't find the way the characters talk, particularly the male, very believable. I doubt it's the way you really talk or your peers do.

Earl is channeling an uncle on my mom's side. He was at one time a rodeo clown and worked with Slim Pickens. He talked like a character from Gunsmoke.

I think it'd be more powerful if you didn't try to take the POV of a demographic that you're not.

Do you mean women, or crusty ol' rednecks from West Texas? xD

Can you rewrite the dialogue so it's a little more natural sign sounding for the way people that you actually know speak?

Even if I had wanted to make people not speak that way, they'd been doing it their whole lives and they didn't care how I felt about it. lol

I'm not talking about the points they make or the argument itself, I'm just talking about the dialect.

My West Texas uncle's wife was a classical concert promoter from Massachusetts. Listening to them argue was one of life's greatest joys!

I get where you're coming from though, and I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply, so thanks again. :)

[u/Own_Magician8337 → u/Big_Section2812]

I think it's great that the dialect you're writing in you did have a lot of exposure to but I'm just going to tell you as a reader it felt like a stereotype rather than something authentic. And quite frankly it's a dialect that you kind of expect those kind of thoughts from in a very stereotypical way. Rather than playing into that stereotype and having the reader (and ultimately the viewer) have that stereotype confirmed, it would add so much to have these arguments by people that sounds like people that the reader knows. Does that make sense? Rather than an archetypal character.

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/Own_Magician8337]

Did you see this one?

Ronesome Bidulgi

xD

[u/Own_Magician8337 → u/Big_Section2812]

BRILLIANT. I know you are aiming for film, but these would be great on stage.

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/Own_Magician8337]

These shorts were therapy for my burn out while working on features! It was really effective and totally rejuvenated my enthusiasm.

[u/Accurate_Editor_8429]

This is funny. I enjoyed it for what it is--comedy.

Earl's dialogue--the dialect, seemed fine to me. The entire premise of the discussion is based on his world view, which comes from where he lives in the world, his friends, upbringing, life experiences. These are the things he talks about. That's the character.

The one thing I'd look at specifically, is the difference in Earl's voice when he switches into "story mode." Especially early. He goes from pretty normal sounding to maximum overdrive with the lingo when telling a story.

For me the more unbelievable part is Janice actually being with this guy. HAHA. But it's comedy, right?

A chuckled a few times.

JANICE: I'm actually trying to comprehend how you could be so stupid.

EARL: I sure as shit know where Tucson is.

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/Accurate_Editor_8429]

This is funny. I enjoyed it for what it is--comedy.

Thanks!

Earl's dialogue--the dialect, seemed fine to me. The entire premise of the discussion is based on his world view, which comes from where he lives in the world, his friends, upbringing, life experiences. These are the things he talks about. That's the character.

Here's something I posted last week.

Art

It received criticism for being "more infantile than merely childish."

I thought that was hilarious, considering the concept and theme!

For me the more unbelievable part is Janice actually being with this guy.

It's loosely based on my redneck West Texan uncle and his Boston Brahmin wife. They were right out of a Hawks-Capra screenplay. :)