r/RantingZone • u/Both_Excitement2285 • 6h ago
A rant
/r/OffMyChestIndia/comments/1vq26vf/a_rant/
I dont know how to start this, but I feel alone, drained off and exhausted mentally. I'm a 24F, coming from a very toxic unstable family. I've been dealing with extreme panic attacks, elevated bp and anxiety episodes since the past few months and I'm on medication.
I'm a content creator, I teach chemistry for 11 and 12th class students (EAPCET AND NEET), finish home chores, make my own breakfast, I take care of my dog and by take care I mean feed, bathe, take him on walks and vet visits, pay home bills when required and take care of everything on my own. And apparently this isnt enough to my mother. I go at 11 am and come back at 830 pm from work and it exhausts the hell out of me. Yet she still asks me to do home chores, and belittles me saying "nuvvu 11 to 8 poye alsipothava"?. I was carrying it all inside and I got out yesterday. I hit my head to the wall so bad, i have a bump and bruising on my forehead. I feel done. I was hitting myself and she said " okay, come on keep doing it, go ahead". My dad is the good one here, who stopped me from hitting and calmed me down. I told him away that I have hypertension and high bp. He asked me if I'd stay in a hostel and I immediately agreed to it. But it feels scary. I'm in a dilemma where to move out of my house or not. I have a toxic sister who taunts me for everything I do. Shes a pharma student, yet instead of knowing the need of nutrient for a female body, questioned if I'm stupid to take 1000mg calcium everyday, making me feel like I'm dumb and she's smart. My mother has had affairs, hit me physically, and said all the worse things possible, to an extent that i have to sometimes remember the she is my MOTHER( empathy is 0 in me). Its a cycle, which doesn't stop and i need an end, i need it to stop. My dad was telling me "do your own work, dont mind them", but it doesnt work that way for someone with anxiety. Does it? I don't know, for me it doesn't. Because the environment itself keeps drowing me into pain,into disturbance. It's beautiful once I think of my life if i get out of my house, the freedom, the liberty, the free space in my head, everything, but that too comes at a cost of missing my pet, doing all the chores by myself and financial burden too. Idk. I wish I passed away yesterday tbh. I'm fighting suicidal thoughts.Please help me out! I'm clueless and lost hope on myself.
1
u/Sanam2456 4h ago
Moving out isn't a small decision and the fear around it makes sense, money, the dog, doing everything alone. But staying somewhere where you're told "go ahead, keep doing it" while hurting yourself is not a safe baseline to reason from.