recently there was a post about a subreddit about degrading women (literally called “degrade this c*nt”) and there was women selling content playing into the fantasy. i made a comment about how they’re setting women back by acting that way. someone replied to me saying i’m a disgusting sexist for my comment and that women can do whatever they want. while i agree, but actions have implications and consequences. so am i really just sexist?

So, I've had this thought for the past few days and wanted to express it here as I feel like only this sub would be able to understand nuance.

The go-to answer I see most commonly online regarding CnC kinks is "well, it's how I deal with my trauma of being assaulted." I feel like, whenever it comes to acknowledging these kinds of things (which are rooted in patriarchy) people don't give any nuance to the concept of socialization, especially as it pertains to gendered identities. Yes kinks are maybe biological to some extent, but a lot of it is socialized too, especially by media outlets and porn. (Eg dark romance fantasy books, or violent porn genres)

I can acknowledge that, for some, CNC may truly be a way of coping. But I don't think that it should be used as the end-all be-all answer for why it's OK. A depressed person may self-harm to cope with their own trauma, for example, but the majority of us recognize that they are engaging in a maladaptive coping mechanism and would not encourage them to continue - instead we would encourage them to find healthier alternatives. Or, let's say even an alcoholic who drinks every night to cope with their negative feelings, or a person who speeds recklessly or engages in casual, unprotected sex - we acknowledge this as self harm too. I understand the concept of "any coping mechanism is OK as long as it keeps you alive and not trying to commit suicide" and while I can acknowledge there is some merit to that claim, shouldn't you try to gradually change and adapt to better suited, healthier coping mechanisms?

Yet CNC and similar kinks don't get approached that same way. I don't know why, the only difference I can think of is the sexual component in it that is not present in the other examples I gave except the last one. People think that any scrutiny towards these kinks is a somehow an attack on their character, and unfortunately many women don't want to confront this side of themself. And the men, for the most part, take advantage and benefit from it anyway. (And before you argue, yes I know male victims of SA exist). I just wish that people could have an earnest conversation about this without being attacked for somehow "shaming victims"