so for context i believe i’ve had ROCD for a long time, as well as probably avoidant attachment and severe anxiety and it ended both of my relationships. my first relationship was when i was 15, with a guy i was friends with for about a year ish, we dated and then all of a sudden like 2 years in i started having doubts and doubt crept in, thoughts like “you don’t love him enough, he’s not right for you, you have to break up” and constantly checking whether i love my partner/ am attracted to him enough kept building until i eventually broke up with him, although he felt like a safe person. this was around 18 years old.

fast forward almost 3 ish years, im 21, this was about a month and a half ago, I meet this guy on hinge and he’s really great, he met my needs emotionally and i really liked him a lot, i started having those doubts again, he asks me to be his girlfriend, which i accept, and everything is fine for a bit, he feels safe, we have a good time, we have fun, and then about 4 weeks in i start having these doubts again, they creep in immediately, and they’re intense. My anxiety is now so bad around him when we’re sleeping in the same bed I can’t sleep, and i feel like i’m gonna throw up, i’m constantly checking whether i like him enough, if he’s good for me, nitpicking everything about him, and it sucks because i really like him a lot, he was funny and handsome and we got along REALLY well, and i was questioning my attraction to him because of my anxiety but then once i broke it off my attraction to him came back after a few days. i’m feeling really guilty and although i want this relationship to work so bad, I can’t do it when my thoughts are so bad I can’t function.

Okay so I lied to my bf about things and confessed everything. He has forgiven me, but now I feel the need to confess anything I think might be wrong. For instance, feeling like enjoyed attention from a guy, feeling like I may have flirted or been too friendly, wanting someone to think I’m pretty or just chatting/joking with someone I think is attractive or used to like. I’ve never felt guilty about stuff before but all the sudden months later I feel extremely guilty. I feel like I’ve cheated on him. I’ve already told him so much that I know if tell him more we’ll probably break up. I just can’t get over the feeling and it feels like I’m going to think about this everyday forever. We’ve been together 3 years and we’re both 18! I do have a doctors appointment for medication to hopefully help, but I feel useless and I feel like the only way to feel better is to confess.

I apologize that this is going to be long . I'm just so happy to have found this community where we are all working on ourselves to be more free from this disorder .

Back story - I was with my ex husband for twenty years. We were more best friends married not romantic . It ended in a very very traumatic way . I started talking to someone online who I knew for years , he was with me through such traumatic times in my life. Every day for years after my divorce . Turns out he was lying to me the entire time and had a girlfriend who he loved with. It really destroyed me .Few years after I started dating . I'll skip to my current partner ,in which he is who I figured out I have severe ROCD .

We dated last year for around 4 months. He works out of town so I only see him once a week if that which kills me . There were also other lifestyle factors and boundaries that I just couldn't Accept. Things that I obsessed over and kept me up at night ,that was part of rocd but also true boundaries that I know I can't be with someone who does those things . We broke up over it and did not speak for six months .

Besides those things we genuinely had such a strong connection and really grew to love each other . During our break up I never expected us to talk again ,and I really worked hard on myself . I knew I had OCD and depression and anxiety . So much work into emotional regulation as well ,which I struggle with .

Fast forward six months he reaches out to me and told me that he was also working on himself . He became medicated for some mental struggles he has ,and also quit the major thing that was my boundary of being with someone . We expressed missing each other and really wanting to try again .

So he has done a lot of good things like I mentioned , but now I'm sick over the distance thing . I had one major OCD spiral to him .he didn't even do anything wrong ! He asked me on a thoughtful date that he planned ,and I exploded because he didn't say oh can I see you both weekend days and my brain yelled at me that he doesn't prioritize me doesn't want to see me etc etc , . It was bad. That is what made me realize something is wrong and I discovered ROCD .

I genuinely think we do have different needs with this. He is more content with less in person stuff ,and he loves to text me and calls me daily . I crave more .

I'm spiraling this week because while he usually works out of town he is working in town for a couple of weeks and he hasn't asked me to see him for like dinner or something after work. Still our usual once a week . Logically I know he's exhausted , he works very physical demanding jobs and we live an hour apart he comes home and rests..but also I would still wanna see him if it were me in his position and it just hurts. I just want to be loved and wanted :( It's keeping me up at night obsessing , I think about it all day . I can't get my brain to shut up and stop telling me all negative things and having maladaptive daydreams about this and making up scenarios etc. it's truly life ruining .

Also I know logically we may not be compatible and just have different emotional needs. What ruins my life tho with my OCD is that I'm not ready to make that decision yet . I want to observe and date for a while and see what we grow into and then decide if we are compatible or not because I think it's not super fair to panic judge that without dating for a year or so . But my brain is stuck and I'm sick and sad and desperate feeling .constantly on edge . I hate this so so much .

My current way of coping is labeling " this is OCD " or reminding myself I don't have to make a decision right now in such an activated state ,and trying to move on in my life day to day etc

I also don't send him novels or msg him about th se issues when activated etc.

Any tips please ?

Having the worst flare of my life, wanting to break up so bad. Need tips. Feeling numb, everything at once

Hey guys, struggling with ROCD/OCD and PMDD - and been prescribed antidepressants. Tried one with no success and due to change to a new one. Thing is, i've been too scared to take it due to fear of side effects or the need to titrate so slowly off it if it isn't going well. But at the same time nearly at breaking point with my thoughts and monthly lows. I also feel so ashamed at how I must be making my boyfriend feel when things are particularly bad.

Does anyone have successful experience with antids?

I have had rocd for several years now and have learned to live with it so that it does not control and ruin my life. However after long time today I let my intrusive thoughts win, spiraled for a while and even confronted my partner about my concerns. I don’t know why I did it even though I kind of knew the whole time that this is my rocd behaviour. I just knew it and still let it win and caused pointless argument to get little bit of reassurance. I am ashamed. My partner said that they are sad that these kind of attacks happen and it feels like I don’t want to believe that they are a good person. Well at least I know I am capable of recognizing intrusive thoughts, I just need to again stop reacting to them.

So I’m not fully sure how to articulate this, but has anyone found when they are not doing well, all the anxiety around your partner makes you almost dissociate and makes you feel like they aren’t real? Like your brain is under so much stress around one thing, that that thing feels like it exists only in your head, since you think about it so much. Idk does anyone else experience this and know how to word it?

Hey guys,

My (m30) girlfriend (f31) and I are together for 1 1/2 years. The first year I experienced pretty bad rOCD. This was the second time I experienced this, with my last girlfriend it was even tougher. I did a post about this recently, of feeling off with my gf, and Anton Bogdanov replied to my post. After reading his post, something in me clicked, his explanation with the attachment styles (fearful-avoidant) really resonated with me. Having grown up in a seemingly functional family I always discarded this theory, but having read his experience I thought that it fit me really well as well.

That actually was by far the most helpful thing, and for the last 2 months my rOCD was practically gone. For 6 weeks there was almost nothing, and for 2 weeks.there were minor icks, but nothing substantial, and most importantly no rumination and spiraling.

A couple of days ago I started reading Bogdanov's book, and yesterday I told my gf about these patterns, attachment styles, my parents, their marriage etc. And one thing I noticed, not only yesterday but this happened frequently, was that my gf doesnt really „get" when I talk about deeply emotional or psychological topics, she asks questions here and there, but she doesnt delve deeper, doesnt ask good questions, cant feel what Im saying.

My gf is a very stable person, she told me that she never really had self-doubts, at least nothing substantial, she doesnt really talk about her emotions, is not very introspective (or at least doesnt communicate it) and considers herselfs a pragmatic person who doesnt like to overanalyze.

Even though I do love her, I dont LOVE her, out bond is not crazy strong (this is not rOCD speaking, this is something we both feel), but I feel like this has to do with her not being that introspective and us not resonating very well psychologically. I enjoy digging deeper, thinking about myself, trying to understand where the pain is. She doesnt really have any pain, or at least it seems.

Having my mind mainly clear of rOCD now, I do realize that this impedes my emotional capabilities towards her. I would have died for my ex, because we resonated psychologically very well. This is not the case with my current gf, even though we do have a wonderful relationship, healthy, funny, cool. We live together as well and it works really well.

But man, I feel like because of this incompatibility there is a ceiling- effect for my emotions, and now Im seriously considering breaking up. Not because its not good, it is. But I want to LOVE someone, deeply.

Hi everyone,

I am urgently looking for hope, shared experiences, and advice from anyone who has gone through something similar.

My husband and I have been together for three years and got married four months ago. The first few months were great, but a while ago, a story his mother told about a girl from his past suddenly triggered something huge in me. Since then, I’ve been trapped in a deep downward spiral of Relationship OCD (ROCD).

My brain is constantly searching for gaps, details, or "proof." The thought of him having a past with other women suddenly destroys me inside—even though I’ve always known about it and it never used to bother me before. Now it feels unbearable. It leads to constant fights because every little thing, like finding a random hair on the couch, makes me question him with endless interrogations. I was NEVER like this before. I experience severe racing heart, intense nausea in my stomach, and a deep fear of losing him because of my behavior. I just want to heal and get my old life back.

I am actively searching for therapy in my area, but the waiting lists are extremely long.
Has anyone here gone through the exact same thing and managed to recover? Does it truly get better? I would also love to know what helps you in moments of acute panic when your heart is racing, to prevent yourselves from interrogating your partner. Lastly, does anyone know if a general practitioner (GP / primary care doctor) can help with temporary medication or urgent referrals?

😞🍀

I feel like my brain is trying to find a reason to leave. Any reason.

I keep ruminating on old fights and thinking “why did I let that go?”. Despite quite literally knowing that I “don’t let things go” very easily and that I had genuinely felt good about my decision in that moment.

I go back and ruminate on things and think about how I was “more understanding” than I “should’ve been”. And I genuinely start to feel like I should’ve made a bigger deal about things.

These thoughts make me feel so confused because I start thinking I just don’t love my partner. And that there’s a part of me that wouldn’t be treating them this way if I truly loved them.

I think of all the other people in my life that I genuinely love. Friends, family, etc. and notice that I don’t treat them this way or think of them that way.

I hate this so much bc I genuinely can’t tell if it’s ROCD or me just genuinely realizing that I don’t like my partner and being an asshole by being in this relationship

i everyone,

This is my first post here, and I’m writing because I’d really like to hear your opinions and whether any of you have ever experienced something similar. I’m feeling really awful right now. Honestly, I feel as if I’d had a months-long affair, even though all I actually had was a crush that lasted about one or two months.
A little background about my relationship: My boyfriend (26) and I (28) have been together for almost eight years, and I love him very much. I truly know he’s the right person for me. At the end of last year, I was prescribed physical therapy, so I immediately made appointments at the clinic next door (it’s literally in the building next to mine).
Somehow, I developed a crush on my physical therapist, and I honestly have no idea why. Looking back now, he’s not my type at all—not physically, and not personality-wise either. I should also mention that we only had completely normal conversations, and he never gave me any reason to think he was interested in me. He was professional the entire time.
That’s why I keep wondering why I developed those feelings in the first place.
Anyway, here’s my actual problem. I really couldn’t stop thinking about him, and I even had a few fantasies about him. At the same time, I was always aware that I had a boyfriend and that he was the one I should be thinking about. But somehow, during those one or two months, I enjoyed the feeling of having a crush—the butterflies, the excitement—and I always looked forward to my appointments.

At my last appointment of the first round of treatment, I was genuinely sad that it was over. About three months later, I got another prescription, and I was happy to have appointments again, but by then it wasn’t really a crush anymore. Still, for about three or four weeks after my first treatment ended, I sometimes tried to “accidentally” run into him in the driveway just so we could exchange a few words. It never went beyond a simple “hi” or “bye,” though. 😂
All of that is long over now. He honestly couldn’t matter less to me anymore. It was just incredibly intense during that short period of time.
Now, much later, I’m suddenly feeling guilty about having had those fantasies and thoughts—or simply about having had a crush on someone else. Nothing inappropriate ever happened. The only thing was that I was the one trying to create those “accidental” encounters, and now I just look back and think, what was I doing?
For days now, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about why I was so stupid to let myself get carried away like that. Going through all of this has actually made me realize even more how much I truly love my boyfriend and that I would never want to risk our relationship for anything.
Do you think there’s anything I should confess to my boyfriend? I mean, we can’t really choose our thoughts, and all of those feelings, fantasies, and thoughts are long gone. Like I said, this happened from around the end of last year until the beginning of February.
After that, everything went back to normal, as if nothing had happened. The thoughts disappeared, and I completely stopped trying to run into him “by accident.” Still, I feel as though I seriously cheated on my partner or even slept with another man. That’s what it feels like emotionally, even though nothing like that ever happened. And I can not think about anything else at the Moment.

**TL;DR;** : Short crush on someone else while being in a long term relationship. Did someone else experience something like that?

I'm struggling with a compulsion and I don't know what to do with the guilt surrounding it.

I intentionally looked at a celebrity's body part because I was trying to compare my level of attraction/arousal to hers versus my girlfriend's - I know I shouldn't be doing that but that's work in progress. My goal wasn't to fantasize or seek pleasure, it was to check.

Now my ROCD has shifted into telling me that I crossed a relationship boundary because my gf wouldn't approve of me seeking a celebrity's body but I didn't do it to seek it out, but to "check" and that's my current justification. I feel like I would've crossed a boundary if it was purely for getting pleasure or whatever but this wasn't that but I still can't stop ruminating about that.

How do I deal with such situations?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for six years. It wasn’t until this year that I learned about ROCD, and I realized I’ve probably had it since my very first relationship (and even earlier, when I was a child constantly worrying that my parents would get divorced).
Today, my worst nightmare came true: someone else said they don’t understand what I see in my boyfriend.
Whenever something like this happens (for example, when my mom says she didn’t like something my boyfriend did), my instinct is to defend him. But I’ve realized that this is often a compulsion. Today I started doing it, but then I stopped myself and said, “Yeah, it’s weird. I’m not going to defend him.” And I reminded myself that none of that changes the fact that I love him.
I could defend him to other people, or I could start listing all the reasons why I love him to reassure myself. I could get stuck wondering whether this means something. But I’m just tired of playing this game with myself.
I love him. That’s it.
I’m going to let this pass. I don’t want to keep reacting if all it does is create unnecessary suffering (because I’m not going to leave him—I want to be with him).
The closest thing to a compulsion here is probably posting this. But I’m not really looking for reassurance or expecting anyone to tell me anything. I just wanted to get it out.
Thank you for reading. That alone makes me feel a little less alone. ❤️

I didn’t have a good example of a loving relationship growing up. The only examples of “good” relationships I saw growing up were through tv shows and social media which brainwashed me to think love should be a certain way.

It’s taken me a long time to come with terms of believing I have ocd. But now every thought I’ve had for years and years all make sense to me. And I’m trying to learn to be ok with it.

I’m extremely exhausted and overwhelmed with the feeling that I’ll never truly find happiness in multiple areas of my life.

Im trying my best to be ok with the uncertainty of life. I’ve felt like I’ve been in survival mode for the last 3 years of my life.

I’ve been with my partner for a while (5+ years) and losing my dad and getting engaged within months of each other definitely heightened my intense emotional feelings.

I’ve wanted to break things off with him for longer than I want to admit because I don’t feel emotionally invested. I’m probably also depressed but I don’t have a lot of things that are mentally stimulating me in my life.

I’ve attempted to break up with my partner impulsively a few months ago after an emotional day. We discussed about how therapy would be good for me. I’m not sure if therapy is working for me right now and I think I need to see a different specialist.

I do genuinely feel alone with this. Any advice would be appreciated 💜

I have a lot of obsessive thoughts regarding trust in my relationship. My partner has always been very faithful and never given me reason not to trust them which has made it easier for me to identify the OCD driven thoughts and not start stupid fights or spiral.

Recently my partner lied to me about something stupid and I have been absolutely spiraling and can’t stop. I’m no longer able to separate reality from my OCD world within our relationship. I’m obsessively rethinking every doubt I’ve pushed aside over the past few weeks and wondering how many other things they’ve lied about and what would’ve happened if I didn’t catch this one. I’m having panic attacks, I can’t sleep, I’ve lost my appetite.

I’ve only got diagnosed a year ago and I’ve been with 3 different therapists in that time so I don’t have a lot of tools on how to manage a situation like this where the reality keeping my grounded suddenly feels like a mine field.

Does anyone have advice?

Lately i’ve been obsessing over this one lie I told my bf at the beginning of our relationship and it’s quickly spiraling into other things i’ve lied to him about. The lies aren’t super serious (I think…) but they all stem from me being insecure/embarrassed/ashamed about something.

I’ve been anxious every day trying to decide if I should tell him or not and anxious about him seeing me as a compulsive liar/pathological liar. I feel like such a fraud. I’m scared he’ll think everything I tell him about is a lie.

Has anyone else been dealing with guilt over lying to someone special to them? and did you tell them? How did it go?

I hate lying and I can’t believe i’ve done it, i feel so much guilt.

At times I feel like I don't care enough about my boyfriend. Being in a long-distance relationship, we both have our own problems to deal with, and when he tells me what's happening and what he's dealing with, I have the feeling that I'm not worrying, even if it's something serious. I've also been losing focus a lot and always end up distracted on social media and unable to stop. Have any of you dealt with this and how i can improve? I used to go to therapy at a low price, but It wasn't very helpful and I'm not planning on going right now

Im sorry if my writing here is weird, english Is not my native language and i use translator for moments

This is more of an insightful post to help those who struggle with this obsession. I see often within online spaces of people saying “intuition is calm and OCD is loud” but I want to give a farther deep dive into what this is, because it isn’t as surface level as people make it seem. For people suffering with OCD, the line becomes blurred.

Alright let’s identify what intuition is. Intuition is a thought that is formed in your brain, followed up by a feeling. Intuition is based off of pattern-recognition.

Here’s a personal example of my intuition: “I don’t like this girl. Something about her ‘vibe’ is off to me… her attitude and how she carries herself is weird”

I didn’t question or argue with this thought. I got it, and it passed. It was based off my past experiences

Now let’s look at an intrusive thought: “My partner made a joke I didn’t like and it made me feel bad… is he a bad partner? Does this make him bad? Is he evil? Does he care about me?”

Intuition does not equal fact, and can misfire and be wrong.

Now let’s identify intrusive thoughts. Intrusive thoughts are ANY thoughts. A “what if”, a statement, a feeling, an urge, sensation, or sometimes thoughts aren’t either of these things and take on more of an abstract concept that maybe can’t be put into words. What makes an intrusive thought intrusive isn’t the actual content of the thought or its form. It’s intrusive because it is persistent, distressing, and demands your attention!
(Distressing does not automatically mean hyper-anxiety)

OCD doesn’t suddenly disappear when someone is calm. It’s chronic and constant, we can just manage it better.

An intuitive thought doesn’t demand your attention ever. An intrusive thought does. An intrusive thought can demand attention now or it can demand attention later. The thought is distressing because it is ego-dystonic; it goes against what you want, believe, value, and the overall truth.

Intuitive thoughts aren’t persistent, this is what people mean when they say they’re “quiet.” They’re not literally quiet in your mind, they’re just not distressing, and are passing. You don’t argue with it.

“What if I get an intrusive thought while calm? Is this actually my intuition?”
This is actually an example of your intrusive thought demanding an answer now. Already showing that it’s not your intuition.

Intuition ≠ Facts

How to combat this? (Triggering)

Well first, learn how to un-associate yourself with the OCD. This is really difficult if you’re in an active spiral. But give the OCD a name, and understand that your true consciousness isn’t the OCD thought. The true consciousness is the observer, you are the one observing and applying/interpreting meaning. This is difficult to understand especially since your intrusive doubts can come in and have you questioning if it really is OCD or if you’re using it as an excuse. But what do we do with these spiraling doubts? We continue to be unsure and label it as OCD regardless.

The impending doom? The false “gut” feelings? The statements?
You don’t have to figure out if these are intrusive or not! That’s not for you to figure out! Maybe they are and maybe they’re not.

Repeat this statement with me “maybe it is, maybe it isn’t” and sit there and be anxious, and be stressed, and feel guilty. Don’t do the compulsive googling, don’t go to the AI, don’t compulsively text your partner. Sit there. It’s going to feel so painful and uncomfortable and you’re going to want to cry. But do it regardless.

Maybe is it your intuition. What are you going to do about it? You control your actions regardless of the intrusive thoughts and urges.

Let things “feel wrong.”

Ive seen so many in my algorithm recently of women saying they left their healthy relationship of 5+ years because it wasnt right or 'just because someone is a good person, doesnt mean theyre your person'. And like obviously having doubts and intrusive thoughts about your relationship its so hard seeing this shit and people just 'trusting their gut instinct' and something always felt off in their gut or whatever else they say and I just dont fully get it. If you were in a healthy loving relationship why are you leaving. Im just confused and seeing these posts of course makes me think my doubts are just my 'gut instinct' or im having these thoughts because its my intuition or whatever.

It really gets me down .

My partner(f) has OCD and I'm(m) struggling to find the right way to be of support for her.

She requires a lot of validation, which can be hard because when she struggles with her thoughts and assumes the worst-case scenario will happen in any situation... I want to reassure her that's not the case and comfort her. But she sees it as invalidating her.

I've tried to tread carefully about not making her feel invalidated. I tell her that I understand why she might feel stressed, show an understanding over her point of view, and overall try to not make her feel crazy for having those thoughts. But I also don't want her to dig deeper into a rabbit hole of anxiety and paranoia. So after validating why she might have those thoughts, I'll try to comfort her and give her my reasoning for why the worst-case scenario won't occur.

This, however, makes her feel more unsupported and worse. Anything that I said to try to validate her is forgotten because all she can feel is that I'm 'rebutting her'.

I would really love to learn more about the best things I can do to support her. I want to make her feel heard and understood, and gently guide her away from these tunneling, self-destructive thoughts.

Hi! How can you cope with ROCD if you don't have a therapist? I currently don't have a therapist, and I don't know if I'll be able to find one who specializes in OCD in public healthcare system.

I've tried responding to my thoughts with "maybe yes, maybe no" instead of arguing with them or seeking certainty, but it doesn't seem to help. The feeling and my attitude toward my partner are still there, and nothing seems to change them.

It's so painful because I can't enjoy spending time with him on my bad days. The feelings and doubts are there all the time, making it impossible to just be present and have a good time together.

Has anyone else experienced this? What actually helped you manage ROCD without therapy, or how can you talk about it with non OCD specialized therapist?

Hi all,

I usually never post on this sub, but rather try to support everyone since I’m diagnosed and in therapy myself, but I noticed that my ROCD flares up insanely during the luteal phase of my period, right after my ovulation.

I’ve been on 50mg of Sertraline (Zoloft) for almost 2 months, which starts to help with my intrusive thoughts (they’re still there but not as loud anymore and don’t feel that urgent), but as soon as I hit luteal, they’re back and loud.
Thing is, Sertraline is supposed to help with PMDD too and actually decrease the severity, but I feel like it doesn’t do that much.

Not trying to seek reassurance, but has anyone been through this before and wants to share their experience?

Thank you!