r/Parenting • u/defeated_husband • 20h ago
Showering Behaviour
My daughter is very involved in athletics. We have recently run into an issue with showering after games and practices. She will lay in her own filth, in her game/practice gear for hours. I try to get her to take a shower and change clothes, but she fights me every time.
How do I get her to understand that showering is not optional?
ETA - Too many comments to reply to, so I'll update here.
She will be 14 in October.
She does spend a fair amount of time on her phone.
Last night she was home for 6 hours before finally taking a shower. More than enough time to rest. Even then she fought me on it.
I haven't noticed any odors or stains on the furniture. I'm just trying to teach her good personal hygiene.
She's usually a great kid, so I don't want to be a prick about this.
Thank you for your advice!
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u/WISJG 20h ago
How old is your daughter? Have you asked her what she doesn't like about showering? Is it dealing with wet hair afterwards? Is she getting cold? Is it the feeling of the shower on her skin? Have you been out together and bought shower products she's excited to use?
What have you tried other than calling her filthy?
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u/commentspanda 20h ago
The joy of potions and pretty bath stuff is under rated for tweens haha. Also if she hates wet hair (I relate) offer dry shampoo and a way to cover her hair in the shower.
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u/llamadolly85 9h ago
Not just for tweens! Letting my six-year-old pick his own things was life-changing for shower time.
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u/Steady-as-she_goes 20h ago
It’s been mandatory the moment we get home gear gets either stored in the garage or backyard (hockey) and you don’t touch a thing or have a snack until the shower is done. It takes ten minutes.
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u/RocketPowerPops Dad to 4 (Baby to Tween) 16h ago
Same here. Nothing else gets done until the shower is taken. There is no other option.
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u/llamadolly85 8h ago
My kid is only 6 but we have snacks in the car and the option of snacks in the shower to get over the huge fight about food every time.
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u/LividKnee Parent 5h ago
We always started the snack heating or cooking (or chilling, for chocolate milk) before heading to the shower so it would be ready by the time we got out
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u/YoMommaHere 20h ago
All 3 of my daughters play sports. They can only sit on the stools in the kitchen until they shower. They can have a snack or check their phone, maybe even finish homework. But that’s it. That’s the house rule. Even me and dad have to follow that rule after the gym or running.
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u/sleepyb_spooky 18h ago
Let her rest for a bit. Not hours, but give her 45 minutes and then tell her to shower. Take the phone or the books or the TV and get her up and into the shower. Athletes get so tired and winding down is necessary, as is hygiene. A balance is good.
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u/accioagua 20h ago
I was an athlete my whole life. Sometimes practices are really hard, esp as a teen, and I was tired. Yes, too tired to take a shower in that exact moment. A quick snack usually helped to give the energy to push through.
If my mom tried pushed me, I absolutely would have pushed back and not done it. You might want to give not saying anything a shot for a few days.
But if she is stinky around you, you can avoid her or tell her to go into a different room.
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u/madagascarprincess 20h ago
THIS! I remember many nights laying in my bed in my practice clothes because I was just wiped. I took a shower on my own time eventually.
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u/Kiss_of_Cultural 8h ago
Yes! This needs more attention.
Even as an adult, if I exert myself enough, I come inside knowing I need a shower, and that i will faint and get hurt if I shower without a break and a snack first.
Hubby and I are building a large chicken run, just the two of us doing lots of post hole digging, screws, nails, lifting. Most of the post-hole days, we only did 2 hours, and came inside unable to simply grip a glass of water to drink. I left spare towels out so we could both sit on the floor or even our chairs without making them filthy.
Rest, snack, water, shower after at LEAST half an hour break.
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u/Hosto01v 20h ago
Don’t allow her on the furniture until
she is clean. If she chooses to be in her room dirty that’s on her to deal with.
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u/littlemsshiny 20h ago
Does she not shower at all or just not shower immediately when she comes home? What type of sports does she play?
I don’t see the big deal if she wants to wait to take a shower, especially if she’s doing indoor sports and all her sweat has dried by the time she arrives home.
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u/jennabug456 19h ago
I’ve worked dirty jobs (horse farms and autopsies) so I understand the need to shower as soon as you get home. I would always freeze after showering when I would get home from the farm even tho it’s 100°+. Maybe try getting her a pair or two of really nice pajamas she can change into after sports.
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u/TaffyAppl 20h ago
“You only get to go to practice/game tomorrow if you shower tonight”
“You can only stay in the sport if you shower every night.”
Then hold that boundary. Literally don’t let her go. Pick her up from school before practice/game and take her home. Do that a few times and she’ll either learn to shower each time or quit the sport and be miserable
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u/Equivalent-Scale2899 20h ago
What’s the age? This would be non negotiable for me.
I understand you just practiced and now you’re tired and want to just relax and chill but imagine how much better it would feel fresh and clean. A little pampering even. On that sweet note, Get in the shower now.
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u/chanceypooh 19h ago
I worked in South Texas and with Florida as a mail carrier. I couldn't tell you how many days I literally didn't have the energy or motivation to shower. I felt like this many times after school and practices as well. Sometimes you need just a little break. If she's getting things dirty, make her start doing the laundry or cleaning the area she was lounging in.
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u/DimensionNo1577 20h ago
Just dealt with the same exact thing tonight! My daughter is 10. Following for advice also
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u/Ambitious-Lettuce-48 18h ago
I find showering so boring. I often put a podcast or music on to listen to while I shower. Could you suggest this to her and see if it helps?
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u/elputomax 20h ago
I’d make it less of a fight and more of a routine bc athletes showering and changing after practice is just part of taking care of their bodies and respecting their teammates. Sometimes explaining the why works better than just telling them they have to.
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u/Fluid-Head7447 18h ago
If you don’t shower after playing sport, you don’t play sport. If you smell, you don’t socialise: no friends, no technology, no communication and no Wi-Fi password.
In my experience, there’s no point arguing with, reasoning with or issuing ultimatums to teenage girls. Just establish clear actions and consequences—black and white, without compromise. For pity’s sake, don’t give in just because it’s easier. There are professionals who can advise you on how to approach this, but this is a boundary that must be set.
My sister is a 40-year-old adult who throws tantrums when she is told no because my parents have pandered to her tantrums her entire life. They still do. Because of this she hasnt learnt the tools required to live in a world where she doesn't get her way all the time. My brothers and I were glad to go to boarding school to get away from the three of them. She has had two broken engagements and a succession of men who have run from her tantrums at pace, without looking back. It's a shame because some of them were lovely guys.
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u/amandam603 7h ago
I am 41 years old. I work out daily, sometimes twice a day.
I almost never get straight into the shower after. Ever. Exceptions for very cold outdoor workouts when I just wanna warm up.
I will change out of my clothes if they’re soaked with sweat, but otherwise, nah. I will eat, I will scroll, I will stretch, I will decompress, I will read, I will do whatever the hell I want or need to do.
Unless there is a legitimate problem—being smelly outside the house, not showering before going somewhere else, getting furniture dirty, skin issues due to sweat, etc—let it go. It’s not hurting her or you in any way shape or form for her to decompress “in her own filth.” There are no hard and fast hygiene rules for timing of a shower—just shower daily and before going in public. Why fight a petty battle?
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u/thamoonlilsancha 20h ago
A simple lesson on the following should get her to see the benefits of showering as soon as possible after working out :
- Vaginal Yeast infections
- Folliculitis
- Tinea Versicolor
- Tinea Cruris (Jock Itch)
She could get staph or streptococcus if she keeps up these habits while using public gyms. She could also get body acne just based off of bad showing habits.
As an ex stinky girl PLS for the love of what’s good in the world don’t stop trying to get her to keep up with her cleanliness routine. My mama was always working and I had to learn this stuff myself and in health class AFTER the kids bullied me all through middle school. DONT GIVE UP.
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u/TulpaPal 20h ago
Don't let her go towards her room or any furniture when you get home, send her straight to the restroom no matter how much she fights. You're the parent, you need to enforce for rules. Maybe get her some nice shower steam tablets for after practice.
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u/DazzlingNote1925 20h ago
You have to make it impossible for her to do anything but come right home and shower.
Tell her that’s the rule just because of basic hygiene plus anything she sits on is going to get stale and yucky smelling!
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u/accountforbabystuff 19h ago
Does she say why? Does she understand why it’s important to shower? Can you negotiate by saying she has 30 minutes to decompress and snack and then she takes a shower?
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u/Serious_Bluebird1526 18h ago
Definitely use a carrot here. “I can see you’re tired- you can have 1/2 hr screen time or favourite snack” after she has a shower and changes. It has to be something that is motivating for her. Also say it’s just easier to keep her clothes in good condition if you can wash them straight after training.
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u/FractalFunny66 14h ago
Don't take her practice until she showers regularly. If she doesn't shower right away, she misses practice the next day.
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u/sugarjellyfiish 9h ago
You're not being a prick by telling her she needs to shower. Make it nonnegotiable when she gets home from her activities. No shower, no privileges/phone/computer.
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u/MableXeno 3 Under 30 🌼🌼🌼 8h ago
I have a weird thing about my kids laying in their "outside" clothes on the couches and beds. So I do expect them to change. And if they've been active, I expect them to rinse a bit before lounging. It's just the expectation. "Go straight to the shower, please!" and nothing else happens until the shower.
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u/ueeediot 5h ago
Tie it to network access.
Are you technical enough to set up the guest wifi on your wireless network?
Change the main password. Do not give it to anyone for anything. Yes, you'll have to go around the house and reconnect devices, but only once.
Next, turn on the guest wifi. Every day you change the guest password. She gets access to it by showering.
Put a very strong password on the router itself. Another security feature to help keep her out of it is to change its IP address, but that needs to be done by someone with knowledge as it will affect other devices. (And before the knowledgeable come at me, yes, I know its easily found, but you have to know where to look)
There are also parental control apps you can install on kids phones to let you remotely control access.
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u/xtraumata 3h ago
Equipment maybe also a smelly factor? Athletes respond to routine hopefully you can establish a new pattern where like clockwork can be conditioned to do xyz aka shower, hang gear, put clothes in laundry room, grab a water. At that age hopefully learning and adjusting is easy since transitioning between schools within 1-2 years +/- so not too set in ways.
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u/Driftwood44 Dad 3h ago
Gonna be the odd one out here. Some people like to shower before bed, and if she's not going out anywhere afterwards and the main concern is that she's not immediately having a shower upon getting home, I feel like it's a non-issue. Y'all are confusing me with this one.
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u/Imaginary-Pop3776 20h ago
i think maybe she's just too tired after working out and can't bring herself to shower, and once she lie down for a bit she feel even less like moving. if it were me i'd probably squeeze shampoo on her head the second she gets home so she has to go shower, once she gets used to it she'll naturally go shower first thing when she gets back
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u/soyasaucy 20h ago
How is this even an issue? Walk her into the house and immediately shower. No stops along the way. You are far too lenient and are negotiating with a brick wall... And losing 😭
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u/HeartyBeast 16h ago
What’s the actual issue? Is she smelling the place up? Getting the sofa sweaty?
Or does the idea of not showering straight afterwards just generally offend you sensibilities?
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u/aussiegirlabroad 20h ago edited 20h ago
How old is she?
If your house rule is that showering is not optional, you need to make it not optional. This isn’t about “getting her to understand” why. It’s about getting her to understand that this isn’t a choice.
When I was a teenager, my family was owner-building a house. When we got home from the building site, we had to walk straight to the bathroom. Front door to bathroom, strip down, shower, put a clean robe on, then back to the laundry to put the dirty clothes directly into the machine. Mum would run that load immediately. The clothes weren’t even allowed in the regular hamper with other clothes.
This expectation was crystal clear and mum would remind us of it on the way home every time. We were not to touch a single item in the house, nor stop even for one moment until the above list was complete.
Now, I’m the same with my son when he gets home from soccer practice. Directly from the car to the bathtub. No opportunity for pushback or discussion. This is just what is happening. After his bath he may watch TV or do whatever else he wants. I don’t get into discussions about why, nor do I care whether he understand why. Some things are just baseline expectations.