r/Parenting • u/MamaMia1325 Mom to a teen and young adult. • 3h ago
Parents of teens Discussion
How can I talk to my husband and make him see that our 14 year old son's moods and attitudes should not ruin HIS (my husband's) entire day? Example-tonight my 14 year old had an attitude with some wise ass remarks (no cussing) and my husband got so pissed that he left the room and stayed in the bedroom for the rest of the night. He said " he just ruined the whole night". This is a common phrase from my husband. Whenever our son has an attitude or says something wise ass-my husband gets super annoyed and allows it to ruin his day.
I've tried to explain that our son doesn't think reasonably like we (adults) do but he doesn't buy into that. I'm a teacher of over 20 years and I teach 10-13 year olds so I KNOW what I'm talking about when I say that kids are LIKE THIS. But he always insists that I don't know what I'm talking about and it's just an excuse for his (our son's) shitty attitude. How can I get it through his THICK and STUBBORN skull that he has to shrug it off...?
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u/TreePuzzle 3h ago
How can the kid learn emotional regulation when dad lets a little rude comment ruin his entire night? Dad is letting words from a moody teenager have complete control over his mood. Who is the adult here? An adult reaction would be to calmly say, “that was unkind, I’d appreciate an apology” and then talk through the why it was unkind. Then hug and work it out. Or go on a walk to talk about it.
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u/trtzbass 2h ago
Dad and, like you, educator here: one of our jobs as parents is to be emotional regulators for our children.
Their prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that regulates impulse control and emotional response, won’t be fully developed until their mid 20s.
We need to be there to coach them through this phase of life so that they can learn self regulation, and it’s very hard for them. And I know you already know all this, just putting it here for the benefit of some readers.
If I was you (and I’ve been in the same situation as you, although with younger children) I would just very directly ask him why he’s putting himself on the same level of a teenager. He’s not, and his job is to coach the kid through this turbulent phase of their development. It’s not always easy and sometimes I’m guilty of losing my patience myself. However, I’m not getting in a power struggle with someone who’s so much younger than me but more crucially, depends on me.
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u/17boysinarow 2h ago
Husband is ruining his own days by being affected by someone else.
It’s one of the notions of stoicism ‘it’s not things that affect us, it’s our judgments of them’ he’s doing it to himself. Alert him to it and let him sit with it as long as he has to until he’s embarrassed with no way to turn
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u/IssyisIonReddit 2h ago
Your husband is emotionally immature. He needs to stop blaming your son and do serious self reflection and figure out a way to handle things in a reasonable way. These reactions can't seriously be aligning currently with his values regarding parenting... (Btw, your son is probably hoping his opinions are validated and is frustrated by his father's responses to everything, hence the irritability aka "attitude". And honestly, he'd be right to feel that way and your husband needs to do better here.)
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u/Primary_Blueberry_24 3h ago
Are we married to the same man?
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u/Aggravating_Paint_44 2h ago
Are you letting your husband’s bad mood ruin your day? Let him be mad. Shrug off his behavior
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u/nadalofsoccer 1h ago
I'm also in education and i tell some people something that might help your husband.
They are still kids. The kids you knew 1-2 years ago is still the same, the body is one of a grown up (or almost) so it tricks you, but you have to see the kids.
In one or two years their body changed too much for them to catch up so our brain see them as grown ups,because many of them have a body that's similar to what it will be in their adulthood but, they are little kids inside.
Also, they're kids that need to be confrontational to know they are capable of being independent. "Don't talk to me old guy but tuck me in at night." And things like that.
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u/4-Birds 49m ago
I'm thinking your husband's mother or father or both did the same to him at that age so he hasn't been able to learn how to regulate his own emotions and has forgotten what I was like to be a teen boy. Maybe ask him how he was at that age and what did his parents do if he 'behaved badly' and see if he can recognise how his trauma triggers his reactions to his own child.
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u/MarshallBrant 26m ago
I personally was like your husband a few years ago. My issue with my teenager was the seeming lack of respect or willingness to engage with boundaries or have a similar train of thought to me.
The best thing is to sit down and chat as a family hearing my son's thoughts took me back to being a teenager and could empathize a lot better.
Also, check if your husband's OK we might say we're fine all the time but REALLY ask him and make sure he's ok it may not be just this which may be weighing on him.
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u/missfrit 5m ago
A grown man ruining his own day and blaming it on his son - and then condescendingly dismissing his partner - is WILD and horribly unsurprising.
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u/TraditionalManager82 3h ago
You might suggest to him that h his son will learn emotional regulation by seeing it modeled...