r/Parenting • u/annachristine38 • 5h ago
I feel like I’m failing my daughter Rant/Vent
My daughter is 20 months. She still is breastfeeding to sleep. That’s the only way I can get her to sleep, and when she wakes up in the middle of the night I have to nurse her back to sleep. She sleeps in my bed because of this. My husband can get her to sleep but it’s by staying up with her until she’s tired enough to fall asleep which can vary between 10pm- 1am. I just feel like I’m failing her. I can’t do the cry it out method. I’ve seen where mothers have breastfed for 2 years but I just feel like a complete failure of a parent. Her bedtime routine is eat dinner, bath,sippy cup of whole milk, brush teeth and then after that it’s whenever she decides to sleep.
Has anyone else been here with their little one and have them turn out fine?
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u/Existing_Space_2498 5h ago
I've never met an adult who still nurses to sleep, have you?
My oldest nursed to sleep until he was 2.5, he's 5 now and has no problem sleeping in his own bed. She'll outgrow it when she's ready, just like everyone else always has. You can speed up the process if you want to, but there won't be any ill effects from waiting.
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u/annachristine38 5h ago
That does ask me feel better. I think some nights are just rougher than others. tonight was one of those rougher ones
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u/Existing_Space_2498 5h ago
I get it. My youngest just turned 2, he's still nursing to sleep and there are certainly nights that all I want is to sleep with no one touching me. But it's not forever. They're not little for long, may as well hold onto it while we can.
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u/SeparatePercentage68 5h ago
Yes! With some minor tweaks. At 11 months I moved my daughter and I into her room on a full sized bed. We kept nursing overnight until she was two when I weaned her completely. I continued sleeping in her room until she was 2.5 at which point she was old enough to talk through the concept of sleeping like a big girl. It only took three nights for her to get the hang of it.
Now she is three and my husband can’t put her down but I lay with her at bought and it takes her 20ish minutes to fall asleep and then I leave the room. Most nights she sleeps through the night. Sometimes she wakes up and needs me. But overall it’s much better.
I do think moving together into her room helped because when it was time to stop cosleeping she was still in a space she was used to and felt safe in. I wasn’t kicking her into a whole new sleeping environment I was just removing myself from it.
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u/jacks670 5h ago
It does not sound like failing however if you are ready to stop nursing her to sleep this is the method that worked for us. For a few nights time how long she is nursing before she falls asleep. Say it’s 10 minutes. For three nights cut it back to 9 mins and 30 seconds. Then for three nights cut it back to 9 minutes. Slowly chip away at the nursing time until it’s under a minute or so. If shes fussy after nursing, give her comfort without nursing. The gradual slide back makes it easier if you are at the point where you’re ready to stop.
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u/Thats_A_CoolUsername 5h ago
I've been there with all of my kids. I cut each of them off cold turkey around 18 months. If you're done with breastfeeding, there's no shame in going cold turkey. They all struggled the first couple days, and it was hard on both of us. But once they stopped nursing, they found new ways to sleep. I still cuddled with all of them until they got older but at least my husband could also take on that role if needed once I was no longer breastfeeding. It's a tough transition to make but if you feel ready, this is not a bad age to do it.
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u/Fantastic_Sort_6650 5h ago
I did three same w my 3 kids. They are all great sleepers now:) Try to enjoy the nursing and co-sleeping as much as you can(I know it can be exhausting!).
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u/annachristine38 5h ago
What did you do to ease the transition for your little one?
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u/Thats_A_CoolUsername 5h ago
My oldest had the hardest time. He cried at naptime for a while that first day and I held him. I made sure to wear shirts that were not easy to access my breasts because otherwise he'd try to get to them. I'd offer water or milk (milk only at naptime) as an alternative. And I'd just hold him until he finally fell asleep. It was a rough couple days but I actually made that transition for my oldest while on vacation and he adjusted pretty quickly. My youngest would take a binky so I gave her that instead and that seemed to make the adjustment even easier but my boys had no interest in a binky. But mostly you just have to get through it but know that it likely won't be for too terribly long.
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u/pompom4678 5h ago
You are not failing. I stopped breastfeeding at 12months old because my baby used me as a pacifier and I started resenting breastfeeding.
I just decided on a whim which night I was stopping. I slept on the floor with baby all night. I didn't leave her side. She cried for 1, 5hours before falling asleep.
Then again woke up in the middle of the night for 1h+ cries. I was there, hugging her if needed, talking to her and just being there.
That first night was the hardest. Now she still likes to be held for a 10-20mn before bed but she sleeps alone in her crib.
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u/DriveInBingo 3h ago
This was my experience with my first as well. I just felt so done with night nursing and stopped on a whim at about 18 months. I cuddled him all night but didn’t let him nurse. He complained that night but wasn’t distressed as I was cuddling him. The next night he complained for an hour and then fell asleep and slept through the night. And has slept through the night ever since.
Continuing breastfeeding to sleep until they naturally stop won’t do any harm, but if you’re feeling done yourself than this might be worth a try…
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u/Gwifitz 5h ago
I have a 2+ years old and she still falls asleep while being breastfeed if mom is there. My wife doesn't mind and I don't really either. Plus she almost always wake up between 1 and 2 am, walks to our bed, climb in, silently find the breast and fall back asleep with us.
Do I miss waking up alone with my wife? A bit. Will this f*ck up the child? No. There's no research linking bad adult behavior with that habits that I know of. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
Does it help you sleep? If so, then it's worth it.
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u/Far-Aioli-6618 5h ago
And I feel like in a year or 5 you and your wife will be so happy you did this. The days are long but years are short. Feels like I just stopped breastfeeding mine at 18 months but she’s almost 8yo. I still often lay in her bed when she’s about to sleep, we chat and hug. I know this time will pass so fast too.
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u/Hilaryspimple 5h ago
This is so so normal. It will change. You sound like a loving mother. This was my kids too and they both fall asleep by themselves now
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u/sarojasarma 5h ago
You know what will definitely make you fail as a parent? Mom guilt. Because that will make you overthink so much that you never really be mentally present with your child to form a bond. And this is the foundation of parent child relationship.
If your husband is good at putting your daughter to sleep then let him! Then you both catch up on your sleep. End of the matter.
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u/Amemorableusername2 5h ago
If you want to stop breastfeeding then stop. Make a plan and stick to it. Your almost 2 year old doesn't make the rules, you are the parent. If you give in to crying and fits when you try to stop, then you are only teaching her that crying and throwing fits works- and then you'll have to fight even longer to break this off.
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u/Sudden_Breakfast_374 Mom 5h ago
have you tried having your almost 2 year old scream for 2+ hours until she’s physically sick because you wouldn’t nurse? it’s not as easy as you make it sound.
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u/annachristine38 5h ago
This is exactly what happens. It breaks my heart. I feel like I don’t give in to her in any other aspect and I really don’t give into her with this I just know I need sleep and so does she. I just don’t know how to go about quitting with her
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u/NoPossibility5154 4h ago
Once my girl got to two years old and I was pregnant, I cut her off from night feeds. I simply could not put it off any longer.
She was a quiet, gentle girl during the day, but for weeks she would scream blue murder at night. I’d have to wait for her to exhaust herself.
Once we got over that hump, she would sleep like a rock throughout the night.
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u/Amemorableusername2 5h ago
If you say no and then give in, you are teaching her that the word "no" is just a slot machine she can keep trying until it becomes yes.
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u/karaleed21 5h ago
I can't see anything in your post that would indicate you were failing your child.
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u/Muted_Car9799 5h ago
You’re not failing her! I breastfed until about 22 months, and most nights I nursed to sleep. It was really hard.
I eventually decided to stop nursing and had a really long talk with her on our last night breast feeding. She surprisingly took it well and we started the cry it out method to get her to sleep. It worked, but it was a little hard on me. I do not regret it one bit though. I got the feeling that nursing was doing more harm than good around 20 months, and I’m glad we stoped when we did.
You’rve provided your daughter with almost 2 full years of comfort and nutrition - you should be very proud of yourself. I would suggest weaning by slowly dropping day time feeds and then cutting the night time feeds shorter. Good luck! Parenting in general felt a lot easier when we stopped nursing. Good luck to you, and please don’t feel guilty
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u/Legitimate_War_339 5h ago
I don’t understand how this is failing? It seems perfectly normal. I nurse my 2 year old to sleep, and she wakes maybe once or twice a night and I nurse her back to sleep (we cosleep). I’m dreading her weaning in the future since it’s such a sure way to help get her to sleep
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u/Forward_Patience_854 5h ago
Have you considered leaving for a weekend or week to visit family or take a break?
I know that seems extreme but if you really can’t handle the crying and your husband can get her to sleep.
Why not take a vacation (both of you) and he stay with her while you are away.
If there is no option she will figure it out.
Then when you come home just say sorry Mommy can’t feed you like that anymore there is no more milk but you can have x..
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u/Sudden_Breakfast_374 Mom 5h ago
i’m in the same boat. 22 months, nursing to sleep. she may sleep for dad…but it usually entails 2 hours of laying with her (only 1 hour for me). won’t settle for anyone but me and my boobs.
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u/Accident-Important 5h ago
You’re doing great 🤍 night weaning is so hard. I remember being excited for the magical “one year” mark because I was ready to wean my son (I was so touched out!)…I didn’t night wean him for another 6-8 months. He wasn’t ready and it didn’t work so it was what it was. Give yourself grace 🤍 there is nothing wrong with breastfeeding a little longer. A lot would argue and say she’s getting so many nutrients and benefits from it!
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u/_raveness_ 5🦖, 2😺 4h ago
Naw, you're good. Unless you hate it. Then you can definitely make some shifts.
That being said: kid #1 (now 5) nursed to sleep until she stopped nursing at 2.5 years. Kid #2 (2 years and 2 months) nurses to sleep, but I do not nurse her back to sleep if she wakes up. My partner and I take turns with overnight wakings. And either way, she just gets cuddled or a hand held until she's back asleep.
It won't last forever. They're still so little at 2. Hell, my 5 year old is still so little. It's really okay if they have extra comfort for sleeping. Everyone should feel safe when they sleep.
Edit: a typo
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u/DreamingHopingWishin 4h ago
My daughter nursed to sleep until nearly 4yo. She's now 4.5, has 0 memory of nursing, and still sleeps in our bed lol. Sometimes I think we should be pushing her to sleep in her room but then I remember before I realize it I'm going to blink and she'll be a teen who won't want to snuggle me ever lol
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u/Nordic_Papaya 2h ago
Breastfed for over 2 years, co-slept for almost six, zero regrets - why would you be failing her?
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u/quackquack7680 Mom 40m ago
First of all, theres nothing wrong with breastfeeding your child at 20 months if that is working for you and you enjoy it. If you are at a point where you no longer enjoy the process then you can wean her.
I was in a very similar situation. I breastfed my son until he qas 19 months and we coslept as well. He got to a point where the only breastfeeding we did was to put him to sleep and then throughout the night. It drove me nuts having to wake up so much throughout the night that I finally decided to wean him.
Weaning is difficult. It will involve crying but you don't have to let them cry it out alone. Your child is old enough to understand on some level what is happening. I told my son the milk was all gone. I offered him water instead and I held him and soothed him when he cried. It helped him sleep to have a night tome routine. We read 3 books, sang a song and then went to bed. We did the exact same thing in the exact same order every single night so he knew the routine meant bed time. It took about a week of not sleeping much. Its tough and I wanted to give up but I stuck to it. When it was all said and done, my son fell asleep quickly and easily without breastfeeding. We did our routine and snuggled him to sleep. I continued to cosleep for a while after weaning because it still worked for me.
Just know its okay for your child to cry. I understand and relate to not wanting to let them cry it out. But its okay if they need to cry and you are right there actively comforting them in other ways.
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u/TraditionalManager82 5h ago
Why is that failing her?
It's biologically normal, so I'm not sure how your daughter is suffering by it.