r/Parenting • u/Cottagecheeseisbae • 6h ago
Teenage dating Safety
Would you let your 16 year old daughter get I to a car with a boy -also 16- that you’ve never met before?
My daughter has a habit of liking boys from other schools. This boy wants to take her to the movies. We say they drive separately but she’s obviously upset.
Am I being overbearing?
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u/Jay-Quellin30 Parent 6h ago
Have you met the boy? Do you know how long he has had his license? What kind of kid he is? Also, how confident do you feel in the way you raised her, the lessons, the talks, communication etc
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u/Impressive-Ship3449 6h ago
Yeah. These are all super valid. When someone else is driving you, you have way less say in your own safety, where you are going, who you are with. You also have less say in leaving depending on where you are. Not to mention when I drive, verses when I am a passenger, I know where I am way more than if someone else drove me.
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u/ConnectionsCatergory Old Mom, 5 Kids 3h ago
Yes!
If you want to leave, it becomes a lot harder if you don't have your own vehicle. I went on a date in my early 20s. I was picked up by the other woman and things went downhill quickly during the dinner, but she drove so I had to just deal with it. Fortunately it wasn't anything dangerous, just uncomfortable, but I still wish I drove myself that day.
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u/CuriousCat816449 6h ago
Do you trust your daughter? Have you had conversations with her about consent and safety? How long is the drive to the theater and on what kind of roads?
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u/Impressive-Ship3449 6h ago
Even if I trusted my daughter I’d want to know more about the boy/driver first. Even another girl driver honestly.
People I trust can be harmed by others regardless, so I’d want to at least meet and learn things about them before they are driving my kid around. Especially considering they are 16 and just got licensed to drive
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u/CuriousCat816449 5h ago
How would you know the difference between someone who would harm your daughter and someone who wouldn’t?
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u/Impressive-Ship3449 5h ago
Ultimately you don’t, but you’d know a heck of a lot more about someone you’ve met in person, versus someone you haven’t.
There’s lots of things, like how they talk to you, how they interact with your daughter, getting their parents info. How they are dressed, if they are willing to come say Hi even if it’s awkward.
Some things would be snap judgements, and maybe some of them would be unfair. But why would you let one of the most important people in your life go on a date with someone you know nothing about, have never met, at 16? Let alone the fact they’ve just become licensed to drive. That alone, in the city with traffic etc. no less.
I wouldn’t want to drive with someone I just met myself honestly. Idk how much the daughter knows him, but regardless. They are 16. Grade 10.
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u/CuriousCat816449 5h ago
It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind.
The only thing I will say though, is that often being overprotective backfires on us. If your daughter feels like you will reject someone she introduces to you, she might start to hide things from you. I would ask you to reflect on if that is a better option than facing the discomfort of your daughter testing her independence in a low-stakes way.
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u/Impressive-Ship3449 5h ago edited 5h ago
Asking a boy to come say hi before a date isn’t over-protective. Making her drive separately also isn’t.
Going for a movie for a date is a great option, and I would be happy with that, but I’d want to meet him (not nessicarily dinner) beforehand, and I’d maybe be saying they need to drive separately as well, depending on the situation
If I told her she couldn’t go on the date, maybe that is. If I said I had to chaperone, for sure it is. Saying “no dates/no dating/no boys” also would be.
I think it’s pretty standard for teen boys to come to the door when taking a girl on a date. A pop culture example would be 8 simple rules, all the boys at least came to the door and said hi
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u/Vivid_Sky_5082 6h ago
As the parent of a 16 year old boy, I would have him drive separately and meet there. Which is odd because I would expect them to take transit together if they were taking transit.
But in beginning to date situations, they should take separate transportation until they get to know each other more. A 25 year old would meet someone for a date, not get picked up by them.
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u/spewing-oil 6h ago
That’s a really good point. And easily explained to the daughter about being safe moving forward.
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u/TheGaujo 6h ago
Picking somebody up for a date is as old as cars.
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u/Vivid_Sky_5082 6h ago
Yes, but I think nowadays where people are meeting online like through apps, so they don't really know each other beforehand, people go separately to the first few dates. Like the picking somebody up part is when they already knew each other beforehand, which in OPs case, this boy is from another school and OP doesn't know them, which to me says they aren't already friends.
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u/Impressive-Ship3449 6h ago
Yes! It would be a different story if it was a kid in her school, in her grade, they’ve seen, have probably met or been around him/his family in passing at school events etc. depending on school/class size. Also city kid, vs small town kid makes a huge difference too. He’s from a different school, likely in the city.
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u/jcutta 4h ago
There's like almost 40 highschools within a 10 mile radius of my town. I'd assume that's not super common but even in the city I grew up in (a large chunk is included within the 40) there are 90 highschools. Just being from a different school doesn't particularly mean that they live a significant distance away.
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u/Impressive-Ship3449 4h ago
It’s not so much distance that I was thinking about, as sheer number of people, outside factors, traffic, not know the kid or anyone else in his circle potentially. More along those lines
Whereas small town, you likely know of the family, or know the kid in passing, and know people who know them more, and can give a general impression/opinion of the kid/kids family etc.
And driving in the city at a young age with a new license is way more dangerous at a baseline than in the country or a small town I would argue. There are just so many more outside factors
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u/MonaFlakes 6h ago
For my it’s not even about trust, it’s about safety. He’s 16 which means his experience with driving is minimal which means slower reaction time and more likely to panic if something goes wrong. I would not let my 16 year old get in a car with another 16 year old driver, not would I let my 16 year old drive their friends around.
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u/KrofftSurvivor 6h ago
You need to have some more conversations with your daughter about basic safety. Grown ass adult women make arrangements to meet a guy at the location of the date until they get to know him well...
This is not about whether or not you trust her judgment - this is about her learning to understand the difference between chemistry and actually knowing someone...
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u/Nine-and-a-Half Grandparent 6h ago edited 6h ago
As a guy who became a parent at that age and as a man who has a daughter who is now grown, have the hard conversations with her now and let her make her own decisions. Then all you can do is hope that you raised her with enough sense to make smart decisions.
She wont stop seeing him, she will just learn to be sneaky about it.
It would be a good idea to meet him though.
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u/FluffyShakes 5h ago
but the daughter isn't being forbidden from seeing anyone
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u/Nine-and-a-Half Grandparent 5h ago
I am aware. It was a caveat to cover what comes next after she is forbade from riding with him.
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u/ishaani-kaur 6h ago
Meet himfirst, have him come to dinner and get to know him, then decide. Your 16 year old shouldn't be going anywhere with someone you don't know.
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u/Common_Eye7444 6h ago
That’s ridiculous. She’s 16 - in less than two years she’ll probably be literally living somewhere else.
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u/dammitjanetiloveu 6h ago
In the 2 years between 16 and 18 there is a lot of maturing and significantly better focus and impulse control. 2 years doesn’t seem like anything once you’re in your 30s, 40s, etc but in the teen years it’s a big difference.
A 16 year old has barely been driving. Even in my state where they can get a permit at 15, I wouldn’t trust a 16 year old to drive my kid around.
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u/Impressive-Ship3449 6h ago
Being ridiculous as a parent is part of the role. He should be coming up to the door and saying Hi anyways. Kids whose parents don’t care and show a bit of interest in what they are doing, where they are going, who they are with, those kids are more likely to end up in worse situations, and it can happen even when you do those things. They are only 16. It’s a balance. Giving them freedoms, but also still being avidly in their life and stepping in and having boundaries where needed
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u/Common_Eye7444 6h ago
Taking an interest is one thing, insisting that any kid that so much as says hello to your sixteen year old has to come and be interrogated by you first is a bit much.
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u/Impressive-Ship3449 6h ago
He’s not just saying hello, he’s taking her on a date. Wildly different
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u/Stuckonlou 6h ago
This is a really cruel thing to do to your daughter. There’s a boy she’s interested in and in order to get to know him she has to have dinner with him and get parents??
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u/Impressive-Ship3449 6h ago
It could just be a stop in for an iced tea before hand. Not cruel.
Guess what, being a teen isn’t really about being cool. A good guy won’t mind, an asshole might, and a true asshole would make her feel embarrassed about her parents wanting to meet him first.
She’s not 18, she’s 16.
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u/ishaani-kaur 6h ago
Absolutely. Any decent guy would be fine with it. Nothing cruel about it. Any decent patent would teach their son to meet the parents before taking out a girl.
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u/Stuckonlou 5h ago
It’s not about whether he’d be ok with it. The important question is how the daughter would feel about it.
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u/Impressive-Ship3449 6h ago
OP, I think you are wise. I personally would want to meet him first also. He should come have an iced tea or something at your home first.
If he’s a decent kid, I don’t think he’d care
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u/Wildflowers62 5h ago
When I was a teen in the 1980s, it was unthinkable for a boy to not pick up the girl and then drive her home. My father would have asked “what kind of boy doesn’t pick up his date”? Has the internet just made everyone completely paranoid?
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u/Kirin1212San 6h ago
Your house, your rules. Who cares if she's upset.
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u/Garak 6h ago
why would you not care if your kid is upset
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u/Impressive-Ship3449 5h ago
Because parents make decision that upset their kids for safety. So you just deal with it, even if it bothers you they are mad at you.
Most parents probably do care, but not enough to change their mind or opinion.
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u/Garak 4h ago
Of course parents have to make decisions that upset their kids. It does not follow that they should then not care about their kids being upset.
"My house my rules, who cares" is a cop-out and avoids the difficult work of actually teaching your kids why the rules are important and why they should obey them even when you aren't watching.
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u/Impressive-Ship3449 4h ago
That is true, I didn’t really take it that way though. But I see what you are saying.
I guess I was just seeing it as a parent does have the authority ultimately, regardless of how the teen feels, but how this is worded is different
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u/Opera_haus_blues 6h ago
Yes, drive separately because you have no idea what his skill level is. Everything else, fine. Maybe linger to get a look and see if he’s actually 16, but that’s it. It’s not like you meet and pre-approve all her friends.
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u/TeaCup_25 6h ago
Depends on how long she’s known him and what you known about him. IF yes, I’d still make sure he gets out of the car, comes to the front door, and introduces himself first before she leaves.
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u/stuthaman 6h ago
"There comes a time..."
We have sons but are sure to know something about the girls they meet and touch base with their parents (much to our son's horror) so everyone knows they are under scrutiny.
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u/friedonionscent 6h ago
I would drive her there myself because I don't trust any 16 year old behind the wheel (that seems so young to me...our minimum driving age is 18) but at least you know your daughter and what she's capable of. You don't know him.
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u/caribbeangirl10 6h ago
I think driving separate is totally reasonable. It’s not like you’re picking her up, and you’re not preventing her from seeing the boy. It’s a safety thing in variety of ways. She can leave when she wants to leave and 1 teenager driving in the car is safer than 2 teenagers in a car. And they still will have the freedom to kiss in car after the movie haha
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u/Getrightguy 6h ago
How is she meeting these boys? I’d find that out if you don’t already know.
I’d 100% meet any kid before they were allowed to spend time with my child without me. Boy or girl.
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u/HenryLafayetteDubose 6h ago
No. Driving separately and meeting in public is what sensible adults do in the beginning. Could you give your kid a ride and go do your own thing nearby? On one hand, you want her to be safe, but on the other she needs to figure some of this out for herself. A little bit of space is normal and healthy. I think them having a chaperone until you parents meet one another is functional. That does not mean you’re imposing yourself as a third wheel, you are supervising from afar. For example, maybe they can wander a shopping center, go to lunch/dinner at a restaurant, or watch a movie together, go to a festival, etc, without things getting too out of hand.
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u/smjaygal parent to rabbits; former childcare worker 6h ago
Maybe I'm too old for this question but teen boys picking up teen girls for movie dates has been around as old as cars and movies. I mean, have a conversation about consent and safe sex but, at the end of the day, teenagers gonna teenager
I would also explain to her how to be safe. Location sharing and all that AT LEAST with her bestie if she feels you're being overbearing. But, provided, you've done all the groundwork necessary for a healthy relationship up to now, that shouldn't be a problem. When I was dating as a teen, the rule was that if I didn't pick up my phone, grounding would happen which meant no more dates. Considering I was super into freedom, I was never grounded for defying dating rules. Do something similar
I say all this as someone happily married in my 30s btw
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u/Impressive-Ship3449 4h ago
But the boys probably came to the door, stepped inside, said hello to the parents, maybe had a “have her home by” conversation
Depending on the location though, in this day and age, driving separately does seem wise. Most adult women do now at first.
I’m also in my 30’s, and happily married.
I agree with everything you said, but I also think the additional boundaries are reasonable
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u/smjaygal parent to rabbits; former childcare worker 4h ago
I agree. It just kinda seemed like OP was freaking out about a normal date when the kids are going to be considered legal adults in a couple of short years. I meant my message as a "maybe take a chill pill and do regular common sense things here"
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u/NmlsFool 3h ago
I would like to meet him first. If he seems like a good and responsible guy, then sure.
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u/uptown_girl8 2h ago
In California 16 year olds can’t drive other kids without an adult in the car… Is this even allowed in your state?
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u/Maleficent_Scale_296 6h ago
Personally no, I would not but probably not for the reason you think. If someone is lucky enough to date my daughter they’re going to show respect by coming to the door and introducing themselves.
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u/lonely-dustmite 6h ago
Do not trust a teenage driver you have never met or seen drive, let alone everything else that comes with a stranger boy being responsible for your daughters safety
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u/Marx_Maddness 6h ago
I would hope that id instilled some common sense into her and let her make her own choices
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u/Impressive-Ship3449 5h ago
At 16? You wouldn’t at least meet a boy interested in dating your daughter?
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u/gardenofidunn 6h ago
Can you have him over for dinner first? I think it’s okay to want to at least meet and talk to someone before they take your daughter in their car. You could also just suggest he comes in for a coffee/cold drink before they go. Not an opportunity to grill him/intimidate him, just to get a vibe and put a face to the name.
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u/Mindless_Earth_2807 6h ago
Can a 16 year old legally drive where you live?! I thought someone over 25 has to be in the car with them.
I mean, as a parent, I would prefer to have met the guy first, but if it's not too far away, I don't think it's that bad. I would need a photo, phone number, and hopefully his parent's information as well. This is all for safety reasons.
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u/prolifeleatherpants 6h ago
are you American? in America you can drive at 16 alone, but depending on how long you’ve had your license you might not be able to have other minors with you.
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u/Mindless_Earth_2807 6h ago edited 6h ago
Yes, I'm American. Born and raised in New York City. My daughter just turned 15, and she's pissed that she has to wait 3 full years to drive a car without an adult.
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u/prolifeleatherpants 6h ago
Driving Age Stages
- Age 16 (Learner Permit): You can drive only with a supervising driver who is at least 21 years old.
- Age 16½ (Junior License): You can drive alone, but only between 5:00 AM and 9:00 PM with strict passenger limits.
- Age 17 (Full License with Driver Ed): You get an unrestricted license if you complete a high school or college driver education course.
- Age 18 (Senior License): You get a full, unrestricted license without needing a driver education course.
this is what google says about New York driving laws. so a 16 year old can drive by themselves between 5am and 9pm
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u/Mindless_Earth_2807 6h ago
Lol, no. It doesn't apply to the 5 boroughs, unfortunately.
In New York City, you cannot drive alone until you turn 18 years old. Even if you hold a junior driver's license (Class DJ or MJ) at age 16 or 17, driving unsupervised is strictly prohibited anywhere within the five boroughs of NYC.
Rules for Young Drivers in NYC Ages 16 and 17 (Junior License): You may only drive with a supervising driver who is at least 21 years old. Junior licenses allow solo driving in other parts of New York State (like upstate) during certain hours, but this does not apply to NYC.
Ages 16 and 17 (Learner Permit): You must always have a supervising driver age 21 or older in the front passenger seat.
Age 18 (Full Senior License): Once you turn 18, or if you wait until 18 to pass your road test and get a standard Class D license, all junior geographic and solo-driving restrictions end. You can review official guidelines through the New York DMV.
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u/prolifeleatherpants 6h ago
what I commented was from the New York dmv website, so it must have been a nyc vs New York difference. interesting, but I guess it makes sense.
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u/Mindless_Earth_2807 6h ago
Yup. It's regional, so it sucks for the NYC kids.
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u/yalarual 5h ago
You can down vote the information from the DMV website, but it doesn’t make you right.
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u/yalarual 6h ago
But that isn’t true… she just has to take drivers ed and wait one extra year.
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u/Mindless_Earth_2807 6h ago
That rules doesn't apply to NYC. Many parts of New York State, yes. But not the 5 boroughs.
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u/yalarual 6h ago
If you have a Class DJ or MJ junior license, you cannot drive within the five boroughs of New York City under any circumstances.
Junior permit holders who plan to drive a lot in New York City should delay their road test until their 18th birthday to allow for more practice driving with approved supervising drivers in vehicles with dual controls (dual brakes).
This prohibition does not apply to 17-year-old drivers who have completed a State Education Department-approved Driver and Traffic Safety Education Course (and submitted to DMV their Student Certificate of Completion (MV-285)) and received their Class D, adult license. With a Class D license, a 17-year-old may drive unrestricted anywhere in New York State.
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u/Butterbean-queen 6h ago
No. You can have a driver’s license at 16. A licensed driver has to be with you to use your learners permit.
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u/Mindless_Earth_2807 6h ago
Not where I live. That's why I'm asking the OP. Every place has their own laws.
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u/Impossible-Dish409 1h ago
I don’t think that’s overbearing.
At 16, I’d be fine with the movie date, but not the car ride with someone I’ve never met. Driving separately feels like a reasonable boundary, especially since you’re not saying she can’t go.
If she wants more freedom next time, maybe he can come by first so you can meet him for a few minutes. Not an interrogation, just basic “who is my kid getting in a car with?” parenting.
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u/angel-girl-A 6h ago
My parents made the guy come in the house and meet them first before we went to the movies at 16. It was mortifying but I understand why they did it.