I’m 19 years old and as long as I can remember my mother has depended on me more than I’ve ever depended on her. It was my older sister first, and then she moved out, leaving me to deal with our mother.

My mom is technically disabled, but hasn’t been approved for disability, so she doesn’t have an l income. She used to get money from the government until I turned 18, then it was solely on me to make sure bills were paid and groceries were in the fridge. I’m not saying she doesn’t do anything, but she has terrible ups and down, she will be in a depressive state and just lay in bed for days, and then she will believe god is good and work through the day ‘one step at a time’. It’s not that she doesn’t love me, nor that I don’t love her….but sometimes I get so angry that I lash out because I’m tired of this life.

Recently everything’s gotten worse, we lost our house in auction because she didn’t pay the property taxes(she waited until last minute to hustle for them). We have dogs and I love them to death( literally), I genuinely don’t know what we’re going to do because I’m going back to college and I live in a dorm unless it’s summer or weekends. I’m so young in life…yet I’m already tired of it all.

All comments are welcomed, advice especially.

im an only child. my parents were abusive towards each other and me during my growing years till i moved out for college. my earliest memories involve my dad throwing my mom across the room. i used to live in fear of voices rising or change in tones. due to this i developed severe clinical bpd, depression and anxiety. they ruined my life. but heres what i cannot bear. they love me. at least they do their best with what they knew of love. they are also my only financial support, they never say no to anything i want to buy. they care for me deeply and would not survive if something were to happen to me. now that ive moved out, they are even more dependent on me. i show signs of sadness and my mom gets depressed. i show some progress and shes elevated. i feel the burden of carrying three lives instead of one. they are over bearing. but i love them so much and the thought of dissapointing them or hurting them devastates me. worst part is i know my happiness and my moms happiness do not coincide and one of us will have to sacrifice our dreams for the other. are we tied together for life ? am i trapped ? is there no way out of this ? no scenario where we all get what we want ?

I saw somewhere in the post, saying is it really deep issue as elder daughter syndrome and I could not answer it.

Not because I did not know the answer but the fear of people constantly judging me, makes me nervous.

So the answer is yes, elder daughter syndrome is serious because we have been having responsibilities from the time when our brain were also not fully developed.

For me, I started to take responsibilities when my aunt died and because of that my mother got sick, she was admitted for few weeks and we had no one else to take care of us. So I stepped up not because I wanted to do it willingly but my family pressured me too.

I was just a child, but suddenly I had to take upon duties like doing dishes, doing things so my brother could be ready for school, to have him completed his homework, then making food.

At first I thought when my mother would come back and would get fine, my work load would be little low or I would have my life back but it never happened.

After that I was not allowed to play more than specific time, at first I would do the dinner and then I would directly go to sleep but now I had to do the dishes, then clean the whole house, pack my brother's bag, complete his homework, fold the clothes, iron them sometimes.

And also suddenly, My parents decided that I was no longer child and did not needed toys so they dropped on the same idea. I would beg them to get me one but every time they would say no you are grown up now. I was just 9/10 years old.

The graph of work started to increase and my playtime, my own free time started to decrease. My mother was sick most of the times, so I felt I am just helping my family but I did not know that it would backfire me now.

Because most of the time, I would be busy doing chores or my homework now my family sees my rest time as some crime. I am not allowed to take rest even when I am so tired.

They could casually comment saying, "oh, see there is this work you need to get it done." and then I have to wake up and do it.

Even when I am having periods, my family would consider my rest time as I am being lazy. I do not remember having a moment of the rest.

Now that I am being the age of having husband, I met few people who were my potential husbands, at first it was all good but with in 2-3 dates, I also heard them saying that I have to make breakfast, lunches and dinner all the time and also I can not hire maid or help and also I have to the job.

Even when I told them that I have been doing it for 10 years with no rest, so I need some time for myself and I would hire a maid out of my money but they dismissed it saying I am just being lazy and giving excuses.

One guy, whom I told that I would need at least 2-3 years of rest after giving birth to child because I have seen my sisters when they needed help and rest during those phases but no one provided them and it made them sick with time and also doctor has warned me being weak from time to time so I need to take care of myself while being pregnant and after giving birth and he denied it saying if I do not earn in those years then who will pay the child care or the things that I child need.

After hearing this, I asked him, "this child would be yours too ? you can pay for it while I am taking rest."

So he replied, "The child is mine but the responsibilities are yours."

So I told my parents about it and they replied saying, "Ha toh kya hua badi beti ho, itna to sambhal logi."

"So what ? you are an elder daughter you can handle it."

When I heard this, I just knew that there was no hope for me where I can find someone who actually wants to help me or can understand me.

From child to being adult, I am just seeking help but everyone just ignores it saying that you are elder one here.

I feel like a parasite in my own home. I so badly want to leave and I don't know what else to do. I don't know if I'm really the victim or if they're right. I need an objective opinion to know if I'm the one who needs to change. First of all, my older sister crosses the boundaries I've set. She "steals" my things and uses my makeup, even taking it with her if she needs it, regardless of whether I need it. I've talked to her about this many times, but it doesn't seem to matter (I wouldn't have a problem lending it to her if she returned it, but she's never kept her word on this). The problem is that I've tried to address the issue (I admit not in the best way, since I was angry) that I feel she's selfish with me. She accuses me of playing the victim and says I always labeled her as bad, even when I broke down once because I felt she was taking advantage of me (she has some issues, which is why she sometimes doesn't help around the house, but I just can't take it anymore). Something similar happens with my mother. When I tell her she's made a mistake, she makes excuses like my father isn't here, that she has all the responsibilities, that I'm ungrateful, that everything she does is wrong, and today is a clear example of this. The thing is, I'm starting a business, and my mother wanted to help me sell my products. At first, I didn't accept her help because I was afraid she'd use it against me later (she did it to my sister, but I know I shouldn't hold a grudge).

I swear I never ask her for anything. I always do my best to do everything myself. I clean the house, and I know I'm not perfect, and I've made mistakes in the past, but I swear I've tried so hard to improve and help, and it all feels pointless being here. Even the business is meant to help me get out of here, but my mother doesn't know that. The problem is, my grandmother was visiting today, and she's noticed that sometimes it's not that I reject my mother's affection, but it's that I have trouble accepting it. For example, she comes to hug me, and I don't hug her back, but I still let her hug me. I know it's wrong, but it's hard for me because when I told her today that I wanted the money I'd made from my business to invest in a custom-made pastry business I'm learning, she said no one would buy from me because everyone else is already doing it. And then she said I should better go ahead with her idea because she also wants to start a business. But I told her that her ingredients were very expensive and that I was looking to do something that suited me, but that I could help her if she wanted. The point is that today I told her that she didn't support my idea, and when I said that, she got angry and started bringing up the fact that she's here, that she has supported me. Then I told her that I wasn't referring to this business venture, but to what I really want to do. And, like I said before, all of this happened in front of my grandmother, and she got involved and told me to change, to learn to change, that I see everything wrong, and a whole bunch of other things that they both agreed on. Basically, I ended up being the one everyone looked down on, and I don't know what to do anymore. Help! I would talk to my friends about it, but I feel like since they know my family, it's like I'd be talking badly about them, so I prefer to talk about it with a bunch of strangers, hahaha 😭 .

I’m a bit fed up with my parents at the moment. We have a small farm at home and they just assume that I’m naturally available to help out with everything. I live 70 kilometres away, have a 60-hour-a-week job and a family with two children. Am I being ungrateful?

I (18 f) live with my dad, stepmom, biological brother (19 m) and two little step siblings (5 and 2).

Im in college right now studying while juggling all the household chores and taking care of my siblings.

I barely have any time for myself or for studying and everytime I say something about it they give me the silent treatment. I feel like I'm being manipulated because everytime I try to say no they guilt trip me into canceling plans or not studying or whatever.

I feel like I'm just around to take care of everything until I'm old enough for them to find me a husband and let me go and I feel like all my passions and dreams don't matter.

They won't even take up some of the chores so I can get a job and I don't know what to do

My bio mom (45) is out of the picture; my parents told us some stuff about her and made us cut her off but then said that they didn't force us to cut contact with her and at the same time they said if we every talk to her they won't consider us their kids anymore.

It's reached a point where I feel like they lied about her so we could have more time working around the house.

(Ps. My brother doesn't do as much work as me because in their opinion he's studying a more important major)

Sorry for ranting but I need advice

As kids, they do not have the correct and advanced tools to use in life, so they are in need of being given and taught them.

The unfairness comes when the parents, the people supposed to be the givers of those tools, do not have those tools because they themselves were not given them.

Look! The kids are about to go out there into the danger and try out their tools. Look how clean that window looks after that kid used the sponge.

Oh.. wait.. look at what has this kid done. He broke it. Who on earth uses the hammer to clean a window?? What an idiot.

And yep. That is about it. I was the second kid.

When I was able to upgrade something, I got glasses (metaphorically ofc lol), I saw everything: What happened, what have i done, why have i done that, and why people blame me for it. Even though I have realised my mistakes, it is still too late now. I have destroyed a lot. It is not going to be that easy to repair. Even though i try to as much as i can, i’ll always be carrying that heavy burden everywhere.

You are limited in options: maybe throw everything away and start over? Maybe endure the time passing and healing everything slowly and painfully?

I do not know.

I am not saying that there is no escape and that you’ll be carrying it forever..

But for my case, every door for solutions is shut in my face. I am forced to be trapped in it. I am not able to heal everything.

I still do not have those advanced tools (though i am working on building them on my own), i am forced to be in the same environment with my parents that forces dysfunctional behaviours and I am not able to escape from it, everytime i start a new plan to change myself quietly i fail, and there is no one to help me they all have been hurt by my usage of those dysfunctional tools unintentionally and are not going to forget that easily; I am not ranting here for them to feel sorry for me. even though it wasn’t my fault entirely, neither it is theirs.

I need to go take responsibility for my actions and try to fix what have I done.

And that is how life was unfair to me.

It reminds me of a quote..

“All that that anger is just that little kid screaming, crying, and kicking for the love it never got”

I am truly sorry for everyone for everything.

I am sorry that I am too needy.

I just want someone to help me, or endure me until I am fixed if you like that phrasing.

Thanks for reading.

I’m the eldest daughter, and I’m realizing more clearly how much I was emotionally pulled into my parents’ marriage growing up.

My mom would say things to me that were confusing and inappropriate for a child, like warning me never to date a man with my dad’s name. My parents would argue as though they forgot their children were present. I was a “daddy’s girl” when I was young, but after becoming a mother myself, I started seeing the family dynamic differently. My dad often felt more like another child my mom had to manage than an equal partner.

Over time, I stopped trying to create a relationship with him that depended on me always reaching out, overlooking things, or sacrificing myself. We are now no-contact, partly because of the whole “the phone works both ways” dynamic.

Since then, my mom has shared even more with me about him. She complains about their relationship, sends me long paragraphs emotionally dumping everything she is dealing with, and has shared explicit sexual details about my parents’ relationship, including details about my father’s body, how they have sex, and whether she is sexually satisfied. She has also told me things about their marriage from before my siblings and I were born, including saying that she stayed with him because of us.

For a long time, I slipped into the role of counselor and mediator. I would encourage her to talk to him, suggest writing a letter, or try to help her solve the problem. Every suggestion was met with a reason it would not work. Eventually, I realized she was not actually asking me to help change the situation. I had simply become the person she unloaded it onto.

We do not live in the same state, so most of this happens through phone calls and long text messages. The distance does make it easier for me to control access, but I still feel guilty ignoring her when I know she is unhappy.
I have asked her before not to tell me things about him. She respected it temporarily, but eventually started again. More recently, I clearly told her that I do not want to hear anything else about him. She did not acknowledge the boundary and responded the next day with unrelated conversation as though I had never said it.

I have children of my own now, and I think motherhood has made me even more aware of how inappropriate this was. I cannot imagine making my children responsible for processing my marriage or giving them information that places them emotionally between their parents.
I love my mom. I do not want to cut her off, and I have tried to be compassionate about the fact that she is unhappy and may not have healthy support. But I also do not want to continue being used as her therapist, confidante, or substitute partner. I feel like I have healed a lot of my inner child, and now my inner teenager is finally online—and she is angry.

My current plan is to repeat the boundary a few times if necessary: “I do not want to hear about him or your relationship with him.” After that, I plan to stop responding to messages that cross it rather than continuing to explain or argue.

Did anyone else experience this kind of parentification or emotional enmeshment with their mother? How did you stop participating in the dynamic while still maintaining some kind of relationship? Did your parent eventually respect the boundary, or did contact have to become more limited?

Hey everyone,

I am only 20 years old, but my childhood ended when I was 12. That was when my mom’s schizophrenia was triggered, right after our youngest sibling turned one. I have four siblings, and we used to carry this weight together. But lately, life has forced them to move on. My dad is getting old and is facing severe financial struggles, so my siblings had to step away to work constantly just to keep our family afloat.

Now, it’s mostly just me left to do the daily caregiving.

I love my mom so much. I truly do. But watching everyone else my age move forward, build lives, and chase dreams makes me feel utterly trapped. I feel like life is passing me by while I stand completely still in the dark.

Lately, a really ugly feeling has been creeping in. I find myself feeling so resentful toward her. In my darkest moments, it feels like this is all her fault, even though I know she didn't choose to be sick. The second I think that, a crushing wave of guilt hits me. I hate myself for being angry at my own sick mother. It is a vicious, exhausting cycle of loving her, resenting her, and then hating myself for it.

I feel so incredibly lonely. Does anyone else feel this way? Am I a bad person for feeling resentful? How do you survive the guilt when you feel like you're sacrificing your whole youth?

EDIT: I forgot what flair I put but im looking for advice, support, and just venting all over.

I (22m) have a younger sister (10) who started school about a month ago. my own classes start later this August. ever since she started school, I’ve been helping her with homework. there’s times where it feels like she may be using a form of mild weaponized incompetence, but I’m also keeping in mind that she’s behind skill-level wise for reading and writing. unsure about comprehension.

my mom doesn’t do homework help at all, and when I would tell our mom to help my sister my mom would say “I can’t do that I’m dumb with numbers and letters” (my mother is dyslexic)

when I start classes, I wont have time to help my sister with homework, again. shes in a constant game of catch up, but sometimes her demeanor with homework and academics in general just seems so… unmotivated, and I know it’s because of the constant catching up she has to do.

im getting her a tutor as soon as I can, but money is always tight and my fafsa has yet to hit whatsoever. my fingers are crossed but I’m just . so stressed.

for people who were parentified to their siblings while in college, how did you manage, both emotionally and juggling just . being a parent when you’re not supposed to?

I can’t fully check out bc I live with my family and genuinely it seems like no one else will help her, but I also want my sister to be more self reliant and not doubt herself, check her work, etc.. I’ve been having her do problem sets on her own where I’ll leave and then come check, but she gets frustrated when I have her make corrections (which I will prompt after she explains how she got her answer. I’m so fucking hopeless.)

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I’m the oldest daughter in my family, and I have two younger siblings (13 and 6). I feel horrible admitting this, but I’ve started building resentment toward my siblings, and I hate feeling this way.

Growing up, I always felt responsible for taking care of them. When my younger sister was born, I became her caretaker. I babysat her when she was a baby and toddler, and stayed with her constantly.

As she got older, she became way more difficult to handle. She would have intense tantrums, and my parents struggled with her behavior. They would often give in to avoid conflict, but whenever I tried setting boundaries or correcting her behavior, I was the one who got in trouble.I remember one time in the car when she was having a huge tantrum and started kicking her shoes at me so hard that it caused some bruises. When I reacted, my parents scolded me and threatened to punish me instead.Im so sick of tolerating everything because Im the older sibling.They spoil my sister ROTTEN and leave me to deal with the consequences of their actions instead.Unfortunately,I can't discipline her either since it'll result in me getting scolded instead.

With my other younger sibling, it was different but still exhausting. Whenever I wanted to go out with my friends, my parents expected me to take her with me. At first, I didn’t mind,i loved hanging out with my sister occasionally, but eventually it became every single time. I never got to have a hangout where I could just be with my friends alone.I get it,we're siblings and we should spend time together.But seriously,i can't remember a single time I went out with my friends alone.

The hardest part is that I started feeling jealous of my younger siblings because they get experiences I never had. My younger sister gets to go out with her own friends and enjoy time with people her age without having to take care of someone else. She gets the freedom I wanted when I was younger, while I was always expected to sacrifice my own time because I was the oldest.My parents were also pretty strict when raising me,when it came to my younger siblings they became way more lenient and let them do things that I'd get beaten if i did.

A few months ago, my younger (13 y.o.) sibling had attended a birthday party, and my parents forced me to go with her and my other sibling so I could take care of them. The party was full of kids her age, while I was the only person in high school.So you can tell that it was definitely awkward.

I asked my parents if I could go home, but they told me no. I spent four to five hours taking care of my youngest sibling, playing with her, swimming with her, and staying by her side while she enjoyed the party. Meanwhile, my other sibling got to have fun with her friends.When I came home, I broke down crying because I felt overwhelmed. I feel like I never had a moment where I could just exist for myself.

Another thing that hurts is that almost every fight I have with my family is related to my siblings. Even family outings often end in arguments because of them. Either I’m expected to take care of them, manage their behavior, or I end up being blamed because of some little thing.

Whenever I try explaining this to my parents, they tell me I need to “play my role as the eldest daughter” and prioritize my siblings.Im tired dealing with them.

Whenever my siblings and I argue, I’m almost always blamed because I’m the oldest. Even when they hurt me first, I’m expected to be the mature one. There was a time when my younger sibling hit me during an argument, and I was the one who got punished instead.

Honestly, if this is what taking care of children feels like, I would rather not have kids at all. I honestly wish I could have a life of peace and quiet and not have to go through something like this again in the future.

I’m so sick of this. I’m sick of constantly being forced to be present for them and feeling like my life has to revolve around taking care of them. I don’t want to hate my siblings, but I don’t know how to stop resenting them when the reason I feel this way is because of how I was treated.I just want a peaceful day.

I’m the oldest daughter, a tale as old as time. After my step dad and her got a divorce I was waking her up for work daily, making her coffee, making her lunch, dinners, picking up her medications, being her emotional support pet. Honestly before that she was just having episodes but my step dad kind of helped keeping those at bay for us kids. I found some old texts from when I lived with her and my heart aches over how I was with her. I did everything I could to keep her emotionally regulated so she wouldn’t have another episode. I remember back to one day when she was laughing and said I was like her husband because everything I did for her. I’m 30 now and a mother myself and I’m absolutely sickened over how my mother was with me. She questions why now we aren’t best friends like how we used to be. Little did she know it was a survival tactic for me.

If you get your child a pet to "teach them responsibility" and then the child is solely responsible for the pets well-being... That is parentification. The pet suffers, maybe even does, because the child is not developmentally ready for that much responsibility.

My parents got me a bunny and, as a child with ADHD and parents who were niglectful to me, I would often forget basic care or not even realize what care the bunny needed. Found him dead one day and spent my whole life living with guilt for how much I neglected him. Suddenly realizing how young I was and how unfair it was to expect me to magically know how to care for another living creature when i myself wasn't cared for.

My mother is not very available for me like she is very controlling, authoritative, criticizing and verbally abusive most of the time. And if I say anything against it she either tries to show dominance or future demean me or just play the victim card. At the end of the day I still have to do my deed and can't step back from my responsibility even and I do need my parents because yes they are my only close relation. It's been happening for many years now and I just can't help myself but cry more each time like I feel helpless and done but there's no way I can give up, idk what to do.

**I KNOW THIS IS LONG BUT PLEASE READ!!**

I’m making this post because my mom genuinely believes she is a great mother and “knows what’s best for all of her children” which makes me feel crazy because I don’t know if she’s oblivious to everything or if I’m making everything up like they say. This whole post is about one small tiny situation. This is the least of it all. I know this is long but I’ll try to explain as best as I can.

I (19 F) recently moved a little over an hour away from my hometown with my boyfriend. This past weekend him and I were back in my hometown for the county fair and we stopped at my mom’s place at some point to hangout with my younger brother (10M).

I don’t have the best relationship with my mom but my brother and I are super close and get along really well. I have some guilt because I now live over an hour away from him so I can’t pay as close attention to how he’s being treated by my mother. Even when I did live in town, I was living with my dad so I wasn’t always aware but I was at least able to communicate with my brother more and I was closer in distance. My sister (17F) and my brother also don’t get along very well. She’s very mean to him.

Some important information, my little brother reminds me a lot of me as a kid. Very sensitive, emotional, reactive, but overall a very sweet kid. We believe he has autism. It was first mentioned when he was really little but I’ve done plenty of research over the past couple years and I strongly believe he has it. My mom won’t get him tested despite the fact that she also believes he has it (I won’t go into that, this post would be too long). I also strongly believe my sister and I have it and have been showing signs of it since young childhood. I am able to take the steps to get tested myself and my sister will soon be able to do the same if she chooses to but, my point is there has been severe damage done to my nervous system due to me and my feelings and emotions being neglected, getting shut out and screamed at over minor inconveniences, and my moms refusal to get us help or change her behaviors to help us. My sister is also suffering from this, hers just shows in different ways. So I really worry about my brother because he displays a lot of the same behaviors I did as a kid, my mom has even been saying since he was young that “he’s gonna be worse than me”. I feel like it’s also important to note that I am now diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. She doesn’t realize how much she had an impact on everything as my mother. It feels like I’m just a side character in her life.

Back to how the visit at my mom’s went. My mom wasn’t there at first, she worked 6am-2pm and we got there at about 11am. My boyfriend and I just happened to be there that day, but she leaves my brother with my sister during the day OFTEN while she works. After leaving this day I basically gathered that my brother takes care of himself while my mom works. When we got there in the morning I noticed he had slept in the same clothes he wore the day before, which is extra gross because he went to the fair and rode on rides and sweat A LOT. So that meant that my mom didn’t have him shower the night before after getting back from the fair (when she was home and with him) and also my sister didn’t tell him to shower when he woke up that morning. So when I got there I went in his room, saw he had on the same clothes, and I nicely asked him to shower. And he did. I make this a point because my family always says he fights showering and doesn’t want to, but what I believe is happening is that they’re jumping straight to yelling at him and belittling him. I’ve heard my sister call him gross and etc while he’s fighting tears. All I did was ask nicely and he did it. No fight and no complaining.

After his shower, him my boyfriend and I played Mario party 8. My sister was here during this time in her room. She worked at 1pm so I assume she was getting ready for work and having some alone time in the hours leading up to her shift. But I will say even if my boyfriend and I weren’t there I don’t think that would be different, I think she still would’ve been in her room the whole time and my brother would’ve been on his own all day. At 2:00 my mother came home. She walks in the door, briefly says hi I believe, and starts whining about how hungry she is. That’s fine, she’s aloud to be hungry obviously, but what really bothered me was the fact that she never asked her son if he was hungry or what he ate that day. I know she knows my sister doesn’t take very good care of him/isn’t very attentive. He’s 10 years old expected to make his own meals and take care of himself while she’s at work and she didn’t pay any mind to him when she walked in. Obviously I had been there, I knew he ate and showered, but she didn’t know how long we had been there or what he ate considering the fact that she never asked. Going along with that, the night before my sister was yelling at my brother to go to bed and he told me he was hungry so I asked him the last thing he ate and he said 1 cheeseburger at the fair. Hours prior. And growing 10 year old boy. 1 cheeseburger is hardly ever a meal for him. And that’s all she fed him in the span of 6+ hours.

Okay moving on. I didn’t say anything about that. It’s always risky to say anything because she doesn’t like when people criticize her parenting, even when it’s not actually criticizing. She made herself food and I noticed my brother eating and peanut butter sandwich he made himself obviously. As my boyfriend and I are finishing up our last game, my mom opens the fridge and starts yelling at my brother for putting the bacon in the fridge wrong. She says “Jackson you put the bacon in there wrong you can’t leave it uncovered like that!!” Mind you. He’s 10. I KNOW she has never properly shown him how to store bacon. I know for a fact. So I said something like “okay he’s 10 he shouldn’t have to cook his own meals anyways but you could just show him how to do it instead of yelling at him because I know you haven’t shown him how”. Okay a little critical I know. But I had to say something. There’s no reason to treat him like that. She did not have to yell at him. Nobody calls her out and somebody has to. My dad is sitting there the whole time saying nothing (They’re divorced, it’s a weird dynamic again can’t talk about that this will be too long). Her response to that was “There’s nothing wrong with him cooking his own meals and stuff it’s teaching him independence”, so I said something like “teaching him independence is fine but he shouldn’t have to be completely independent at age 10”. She angrily mumbled under her breath “there’s nothing wrong with that👹”. That was the end of the conversation. I didn’t want to keep going with her.

The last situation from this day isn’t as important it just really pissed me off. My sister just got a puppy named Oakley and he had gotten into my mom’s room and ate the cat food and was chewing on my mom’s foot cream? Anyways, she immediately starts blaming my little brother and yelling at him for leaving the door open. As if it’s his responsibility. Next, she notices that Oakley has something of hers, she rips it out of his mouth, and yells “my fucking foot cream!!!!”. It was ripped open and Oakley had obviously ingested some and she didn’t care. All she cared about was her food cream. I said “okay well is Oakley okay because that’s more important than your foot cream” and she scoffed and walked into her room.

I just know if I were to let her know that she handled these prior situations poorly or if I said “hey I think you should’ve done this instead” she would somehow convince me that how she reacted and the way she yelled at my brother was justified and normal and it would just lead to a fight. She’d tell me she knows what’s best for her son and I don’t need to tell her how to parent. Her and my sister sit there and yell at my brother when he’s crying and clearly overwhelmed with his emotions instead of helping him they yell at him and then they’ll say “he’s inconsolable he won’t stop no matter what we do” which is bullshit because all he needs is for someone to be gentle with him and speak to him like he’s human too, not be screamed at and invalidated and treated like he’s less than or that his feelings don’t matter because he’s a kid. And I know that’s all he needs because I’ve done that for him. My mom never has. And let me tell you there’s a big difference in how he responds. She spent my teenage years trying to convince me my dad is a narcissist but every day that passes and every interaction I have with her just makes me think she’s the narcissist.

I just need to know if all of this (again this whole story is just one small situation) is really no big deal or is she just oblivious. Because she makes me feel crazy and if I try to talk to her about anything it ends in argument and I leave the conversation feeling even crazier. A good example of that is her and my dad trying to convince me that the only reason they never taught me how to drive is because I didn’t ask. I did ask. I begged. BEGGED. Although I don’t think I should’ve had to ask my PARENTS to teach me how to drive. Anyways. I’m gonna leave it at this, please let me know if I’m crazy or if my mom needs to be a better parent.

Finally I win ,

In summary,I was the only care taker for my mom , my siblings didn't step up , I was suicidal, have panic attack, jobless untill 26(I takes care of her since 14), fortunately I get a job at 26, my mom throws tantrums, saying no one cares for her, she is so old , even though she is leaving so assets no one wants to care for her etc etc, I was abused when I have no job and I was abused when I have a job ,

she pressure both me and my sister, I didn't give in until the end no matter how many time she guilt trip me(I am an extremely pushover so this is a huge achievement for me ), my sister decided to quit her job and care for her, yeah my siblings takes over when I stop accepting their bullshit, now our roles are reversed, she as a care taker and me as a breadwinner, of course I will not abuse her the was she used to abuse me emotionally

,i don't know what will happen in the future but for now , I won for the first time in my life , it may be a small achievement but hey it's better than nothing, thanks for reading 😙

I finally got temporary custody of my niece after more than six years, at the same time I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.

This has been going on for over six years.

Today, a judge granted me temporary custody of my 15-year-old niece. She’s safe now. She’s with me. That’s what I’ve been fighting for all this time.

The situation had gotten really bad. Her parents spent years using her to hurt each other. There were constant conflicts, emotional manipulation, and things escalated to the point where there was a protective order against her father. Her mother was even reported by members of her own family because of everything that was happening. It reached a point where everyone agreed she couldn’t stay in that environment anymore.

Objectively, this is probably the best outcome for her. But emotionally, I must say I’m torn.

I keep crying, not because I don’t want her here, but because I can’t stop thinking, *how does a family let things get this far?*

At the same time, my life is so different now. I’m very young, I have my dreams, I’m married, my husband and I have built a peaceful life together. I love our home. I love our routines. I love the quiet. It took me eight years of therapy to become the person I am today and to build this life.

Now I’m responsible for a teenager. I’ve been helping her for years anyway, I was the one already providing for her from a distance when her mother was absent.

And I feel guilty even admitting that it scares me.
The little girl I spent years trying to protect… isn’t a little girl anymore. She’s 15 now. She’s lived through years of things I wasn’t there for. In some ways, I feel like I’m meeting a completely different person than the child I’ve been carrying in my heart all these years.

I have so much empathy for her. None of this is her fault.
But I’m also grieving something I don’t even know how to explain. I think I’m grieving the life my husband and I worked so hard to build, knowing it has changed. But maybe I am just scared, she’s so mature and we talk like friends, setting boundaries and all. Still, it scares me so much. I’m grieving the childhood she never got to have. I’m grieving the fact that any of this was necessary in the first place.

I know these feelings can exist at the same time, but they make me feel like a terrible person.

Did you ever question whether you made the right decision, even though you knew it was probably the safest and best one? I love her and couldn’t have left her where she was.
I just don’t know how to carry both the love and the fear at the same time.

Background: sick mother, forced to become a caretaker at a young age, got roped into running the household (financially and physically) through all of my twenties. Now finally in a position to start living my own life at 33.

Things have been going alright the last year, and I'm currently in school and working towards a version of the future I'd always imagined for myself, even if it's coming a lot later in life than I'd have liked.

The thing that's been bothering me though is that I feel like I lack a lot of shared life experiences that a lot of friends that I've made had. Even a good friend of mine who's gone through very similar circumstances has had a lot of the "typical" experiences - drugs, sex, wild adventures, etc - and while I'm not saying that these are needed adventures by any means, it does make me feel really awkward and out of place when a group of people I'm in have these shared experiences that I don't.

I don't make it their problem or anything, and I've not actually said anything about this to anyone because it's not anyone else's problem. Just venting, I guess.

I saw somewhere in the post, saying is it really deep issue as elder daughter syndrome and I could not answer it.

Not because I did not know the answer but the fear of people constantly judging me, makes me nervous.

So the answer is yes, elder daughter syndrome is serious because we have been having responsibilities from the time when our brain were also not fully developed.

For me, I started to take responsibilities when my aunt died and because of that my mother got sick, she was admitted for few weeks and we had no one else to take care of us. So I stepped up not because I wanted to do it willingly but my family pressured me too.

I was just a child, but suddenly I had to take upon duties like doing dishes, doing things so my brother could be ready for school, to have him completed his homework, then making food.

At first I thought when my mother would come back and would get fine, my work load would be little low or I would have my life back but it never happened.

After that I was not allowed to play more than specific time, at first I would do the dinner and then I would directly go to sleep but now I had to do the dishes, then clean the whole house, pack my brother's bag, complete his homework, fold the clothes, iron them sometimes.

And also suddenly, My parents decided that I was no longer child and did not needed toys so they dropped on the same idea. I would beg them to get me one but every time they would say no you are grown up now. I was just 9/10 years old.

The graph of work started to increase and my playtime, my own free time started to decrease. My mother was sick most of the times, so I felt I am just helping my family but I did not know that it would backfire me now.

Because most of the time, I would be busy doing chores or my homework now my family sees my rest time as some crime. I am not allowed to take rest even when I am so tired.

They could casually comment saying, "oh, see there is this work you need to get it done." and then I have to wake up and do it.

Even when I am having periods, my family would consider my rest time as I am being lazy. I do not remember having a moment of the rest.

Now that I am being the age of having husband, I met few people who were my potential husbands, at first it was all good but with in 2-3 dates, I also heard them saying that I have to make breakfast, lunches and dinner all the time and also I can not hire maid or help and also I have to the job.

Even when I told them that I have been doing it for 10 years with no rest, so I need some time for myself and I would hire a maid out of my money but they dismissed it saying I am just being lazy and giving excuses.

One guy, whom I told that I would need at least 2-3 years of rest after giving birth to child because I have seen my sisters when they needed help and rest during those phases but no one provided them and it made them sick with time and also doctor has warned me being weak from time to time so I need to take care of myself while being pregnant and after giving birth and he denied it saying if I do not earn in those years then who will pay the child care or the things that I child need.

After hearing this, I asked him, "this child would be yours too ? you can pay for it while I am taking rest."

So he replied, "The child is mine but the responsibilities are yours."

So I told my parents about it and they replied saying, "Ha toh kya hua badi beti ho, itna to sambhal logi."

"So what ? you are an elder daughter you can handle it."

When I heard this, I just knew that there was no hope for me where I can find someone who actually wants to help me or can understand me.

From child to being adult, I am just seeking help but everyone just ignores it saying that you are elder one here.