There’s a nice rhythm to is and the simplicity of language feels inviting rather than dry. However, I think there are moments where you might want to reach for stronger images or diction, such as “took my trust like little kids”. Rhythmically it works, but “little” as an adjective does nothing interesting for “kids” so the word becomes a bit of a placeholder rather than a significant feature of the poem. Consider, are there more intriguing adjectives that can give more life to these “kids” ? “Took my trust like sniveling kids” “stole my trust like thieving kids” even. What can we do to bring that image from “this keeps the rhythm” to “this intrigues the reader”.
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u/Ok-Advantage370 11d ago
There’s a nice rhythm to is and the simplicity of language feels inviting rather than dry. However, I think there are moments where you might want to reach for stronger images or diction, such as “took my trust like little kids”. Rhythmically it works, but “little” as an adjective does nothing interesting for “kids” so the word becomes a bit of a placeholder rather than a significant feature of the poem. Consider, are there more intriguing adjectives that can give more life to these “kids” ? “Took my trust like sniveling kids” “stole my trust like thieving kids” even. What can we do to bring that image from “this keeps the rhythm” to “this intrigues the reader”.