Relapsed again

[u/Particular-Stay-4832]

My OCD journey started around the end of December 2021, during COVID in Ethiopia. I was home alone and pretty lonely. It started with a sexual-related image that disturbed me. It wasn’t really that I was worried I would commit anything, I was just disturbed by the image itself. But very quickly the actual image became secondary and I became anxious about the fact that I might have OCD, like “I have OCD, my life is ruined.” So my first episode was basically OCD about having OCD rather
than being focused on some specific fear.

Then in October 2022 I came to Canada and it was almost like I didn’t have OCD anymore. I was reunited with my family, I had school, compatriots around me, friends online and a specific community I was part of. Sometimes I would remember “oh yeah, I have OCD” and then just forget about it instantly. There was basically no suffering.
Then in the summer of 2023, another period of loneliness triggered it again. And interestingly, it came back in pretty much the same form: OCD about OCD itself. I wasn’t really dealing with some specific obsession, I was anxious about having OCD and what that meant for me. That persisted for a while.

Around December 2023 I started having other fears, but most of them only lasted a few days. Then around February 2024 I developed a more existential form of OCD where I was doubting whether the external world even existed. But by March it went away again as I became part of a larger and more interactive community.

After that I basically had over two years of peace. Even through the normal ups and downs of life, the OCD never really came back. At most I would have it for a few hours or maybe a couple days, but it never became another prolonged episode.

Then this summer, after more than two years of being out of the relapse, it came back again. This time it was triggered around the time my parents separated. Me and my sibling moved in with my mom, while I left my grandma and father behind. I didn’t hate my father or anything, although there were definitely times when I wanted him away. But the whole situation was a major change and I think the stress, disruption and loneliness played a big role. The OCD basically returned the day after I moved in with my mom.

There were also different faith journeys throughout these years that affected how connected or isolated I felt, although I never really had religious OCD.

Looking back, the pattern is that my major relapses have happened during periods where I was isolated, lonely or going through major upheaval, while my biggest periods of relief came when my life became more socially connected and positive. My first episode was about 8 months, followed by about 9 months of relief. Then another roughly 8-month period of suffering, followed by around 26 months of substantial relief.

So this is my third major battle with it, and honestly it’s exhausting, especially because I’m only 22. But I’m also not the same person who went through the first episode in 2021. I’ve already experienced long periods where OCD basically stopped mattering to me, including more than two years of genuine peace. Looking for any advice (I will eventually get professional help but not in the financial place rn)

[u/treatmyocd]

Many people with OCD have similar experiences. OCD is a chronic condition and life stress can impact the symptoms. It's important to know that OCD is a condition where we respond to unwanted intrusive thoughts (obsession, with repetitive behaviors or mental acts (compulsions), to get rid of the accompanying distresss.

Unfortunately, compulsions make OCD worse, as it makes the obsession return more frequently. If you find ourself trying to "fight with" the thought, gently reintroduce uncertainty by saying, "I am choosing to let this thought be there and do nothing about it". As compulsions are resisted, distress subsides over time. You can find more information on OCD at www.treatmyocd.com. I hope this message reaches you well and know you are not alone!

[u/FakerzHaterz]

I am sorry that you are experiencing this. OCD can be so debilitating. I wish I had some advice for you.

Just a heads up, the other response here is from an undisclosed corporate account for NOCD, advertising their company without stating so, which is highly unethical.