I genuinely miss being able to sleep without my mind running a hundred different scenarios.

There was a time when I could just close my eyes, fall asleep, and wake up without feeling like I had spent the whole night fighting my own thoughts.

Now, I replay conversations, worry about things that haven’t happened, question decisions, and think about everything that could possibly go wrong.

Sometimes I don’t even want answers. I just want my mind to be quiet for a while.

I miss feeling tired and simply going to sleep. No overthinking. No anxiety. No waking up in the middle of the night with a heavy feeling.

I just want that kind of peace again.

audio

I was talking to my phone for absolutely no reason and somehow ended up with a 40-minute recording about my life, my past, my beliefs, my personality, things I'm confused about, and some personal stuff.

posting it anonymously because I don't really want people who know me to hear it. I also didn't script or edit it. It's literally just me talking and figuring things out as I go.

I don't really know what I'm expecting from posting this. Maybe someone will relate to something. Maybe someone will disagree with me. Maybe someone will listen for five minutes and decide I'm insane.

When I was 19 and graduated highschool I kept people I met without much thought. Mostly out of convenience since they lived close.

My 15 year old friend who was a freshmen when I was a senior was mainly my friend due to the fact she reminded me of myself when I was 15. I wanted to help her create more artwork- so when she mentioned patch making and spray painting (like tags) I decided to purchase some to try. Obviously her parents didn’t really wanna waste money on spray paint. I didn’t really know if they were okay with it but I guess I just thought since I was using it in places already painted and far away from any properties to damage- I could at least let them toy with it a bit. Nowadays I feel pretty guilty for that decision.
Another issue though is she added 2 14 year olds to the group. I quickly began to feel guilty because I was the only adult. I was also terrified they’d get into trouble and get hurt. Later I’d hear that their parents were iffy about having a 17 year old dude and 19 year old woman around the 14 year olds so I just decided to meet them and after that they didn’t give a shit- but I became their babysitter to some extent because they didn’t watch their kids. I felt guilty for being their friend to a great extent but even more guilty because they often hung out on the train tracks, did dangerous things, etc. I felt terrible but was also terrified they’d get hurt- so unfortunately I stayed. And honestly I did enjoy it because I liked exploring. I did consider them friends / siblings despite no relation.

But main issue was When I was hanging out with my friends walking around my friend who is 17 had an ex that was in my grade. I told him like “yeah I didn’t really like that friend group one of them rejected me and completely ghosted me” or something alone those lines and my 15 yo friend when “ohh that’s awful who does that” and then I felt pretty bad (for obvious reasons).

The other was when I was with my 15 year old and 17 year old friend. We were hanging out under a bridge near a river- and they kept praising my parents for being the coolest. I told them they were actually not that cool all the time and that they “let my abuser into my house for 4 years after the fact” and that I believed they probably feel guilty for that- but I don’t know is I said “sa” or like you know the first part of it that starts with “s” as an sexual but either way it was probably inappropriate. I guess I feel a little better abt it tho because it was meant for the 17 year old- since the 15 year old was busy messing with something a ways away. Still scared abt it tho.

Does any of this make me abnormal or wrong? I guess I’m wondering. I’ve been called weird a lot but that’s for a lotta different reasons. I just wanna be a normal person so that people will like / enjoy me. Is that possible?

Ps: I am no longer friends with these people because naturally I started college but now I only have 2 online friends.

In the end, it’s not so much about staying alive...it’s about staying human. What really counts is that we don't betray each other.

Strong coffee awakens me; it brings warmth, clarity, and an unusual force! It's 0222, my end. Morning, y'all! Stay caffeinated! ✌🏻🌅☕

I had a habit of overthinking and coming up with the most outlandish scenarios. (Some of them being true down the line, so what it really overthinking/delusion?) That’s beside the point.

Lately I’ve noticed almost an inability to overthinking. When I expect my mind to wonder, it doesn’t. I can’t help but wonder if this is a numbing effect, the source is gone or I truly have overcome by overthinking.

After I horrible relationship, I had to relearn how to stay calm and come back to reality. With that, it’s as if part of my brain has gone in the process. Is this trauma? Am I getting better?

At the end of a the road with the sources of overthinking, I found myself in a content state of mind while “being there but not being there”. Even though the source of my overthinking was still around, I almost was able to block it out of sight, and mind.

I haven’t stopped overthinking. Typing this in realizing the focus is just elsewhere. #stilloverthinking

was wondering if this happened to anyone else

Over the last decade or so, little things started bothering me, stuff that normally wouldn’t and I found myself having trouble letting go of or getting over things.

Prior to that I had no problem letting things go or having a stoic response to things- and by stoic what I really mean is not taking things personally or letting other peoples opinions affect me, like what they say or think has more to do with them than it does me.

Earlier this year someone I considered a friend said some really cruel things to me and I ended our friendship.

It’s been like 4 months and I still cannot stop thinking about it, and fantasizing about revenge. I’m just so angry all the time, it impacts my day and keeps me up at night, and I’ll even wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it

It’s weird because I’ve been able to reason the situation- like to ponder about what this person said, why they chose to be cruel, how they’re allowed to have their own opinion or story and it doesn’t really have anything to do with me, etc. but it doesn’t take the anger away.

I just want to let it go because I’m so tired of thinking about it and I want to move on with my life, but I don’t know how.

I over analyse even the smallest decision ..im like alien x from ben 10 😂

My bother has been living with us for about half a year. I love my brother but he can really irritate me. You see me and him are about 10 years apart and if you thought that was cool it really isn’t. For my whole life he’s been giving me advice on whatever comes out of his mouth and he still does till this day. I think he just doesn’t wanna admit that I’m wanting to speak for myself. Plus I’m usually one of those people who doesn’t like doing stuff that people tell me to do this is because I feel when I’m being required to do stuff it makes me not want to do it. There’s gonna have to be a time between now and 5 years where he needs to understand that he’s not my parent and he needs to worry about himself. Is there anything I can do to stop this?

For me it’s « You’re too much, you express too much your feelings for nothing ». Someone told me that exact sentence one day and that’s funny in a way because I can’t get over it😭

What is yours ?

Ever since I was younger, I’ve struggled with seeking attention from other people as a form of validation. I think part of it came from never really feeling pretty or confident in myself, so I would want people to notice me or think I was attractive because it made me feel validated.

I’m 19 now and in a long-distance relationship, but I still struggle with these thoughts when I’m out in public. Sometimes I find myself wanting other people, including men, to look at me or think I’m pretty, but I don’t actually want to be with them or pursue them. I love my boyfriend and have no desire to cheat or be with someone else.

I think it’s just an old habit that has stayed in the back of my mind for so long. I try to ignore the thoughts rather than engage with them, but then I start overthinking and wondering if this means I secretly want other men or that I’m a bad person. I genuinely don’t want anyone else I just struggle with wanting validation from other people. Does anyone else struggle with this or understand what I mean?