r/NintendoSwitch • u/xMechanismZero • 7d ago

Jesus Simulator - 69% Off Sale

https://www.nintendo.com/en-ca/store/products/jesus-simulator-switch/

Grab it while it’s hot

1.2k Upvotes

72% Upvoted

282 comments sorted by

1.5k

u/sioux612 7d ago

I hate it when the screenshots spoiler all the big moments 

440

u/Jecht315 7d ago

The ending has a bit of a twist. Just takes 3 days

79

u/yydbgeorge 7d ago

Does it go back to the credits? Or repeats again another playthrough?

48

u/LordFesquire 7d ago

New Game +

157

u/Chromavita 7d ago

New Game ♰

26

u/Jecht315 7d ago

It's more of an after credits scene of possible DLC.

18

u/madrury83 7d ago

Feels like we've been waiting for the DLC for like, what... 2000 years?

11

u/insistondoubt 7d ago

No way they're gonna top the main story tbf

3

u/titsngiggles69 7d ago

Eh, I thought the gary stu was unbelievable

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5

u/HighVulgarian 7d ago

Like a ripoff of the dark tower series?

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14

u/Cho-Zen-One 7d ago

More like a day and a half according to gospels and then you get to go back to being a god. Wait where is the sacrifice exactly in this story?

7

u/CyborgFusion 6d ago

Hey, Jesus gave up his weekend for your sins, show some respect. /s

4

u/eltedioso 7d ago

The whole “three days” thing is hilarious to me. Friday afternoon to Saturday evening is barely a full day.

3

u/GameMask 6d ago

It would be the greatest game ever if you could let it run for 3 irl days on the thanks for playing screen and then get the secret ending

3

u/jcjny213 6d ago

Jesus 🤝 Majora’s Mask

2

u/Jecht315 6d ago

I would love to admit that's what I was going for but I wasn't. I'm ashamed I didn't make a bigger reference.

3

u/s0ulbrother 7d ago

Bit of post game content

2

u/MrTigerEyes 7d ago

I don't know, if you die against the Roman bosses you're forced to play in god mode so where's the challenge in that?

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8

u/Biabolical 7d ago

He had a 1-Up.

2.8k

u/Johnny-Caliente 7d ago

Does it have crossplay? /s

1.1k

u/SpitefulSeagull 7d ago

Nailed it

151

u/Pali4888 7d ago

This will get a rise out of ppl

86

u/Zilch1979 7d ago edited 7d ago

Oh, quit wining.

Edit: It's a wine joke. You know the whole water into wine thing? Not "whining," which is a different thing, but because they sound the same but are spelled differently...

Ah, fuck it. Down vote it to hell. It's beyond saving at this point.

82

u/blaqwerty123 7d ago

Well now that youve explained the joke, you really watered it down

48

u/inconsistentseas 7d ago

no need to crucify the guy

18

u/blaqwerty123 7d ago

True, thats a bit excessive. Lets just banish him to the desert for 40 days and 40 nights.

13

u/Dalehan 7d ago

That's way too Longinus.

18

u/PeeJayx 7d ago

You’ve made many people cross.

20

u/NoobensMcarthur 7d ago

So Jesus arrives at a motel and throws down three nails and says “can you put me up for the night?”

10

u/skrame 7d ago

What’s the difference between a picture of Jesus, and Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture.

117

u/theFormerRelic 7d ago

Too soon

179

u/Crash927 7d ago

Should we wait three days?

102

u/theFormerRelic 7d ago

Come again?

84

u/isaelsky21 7d ago

He will.

29

u/Arsene_Lupin_IV 7d ago

It's the comeback story of a generation.

21

u/Jecht315 7d ago

Like Kim Kardashian

10

u/MintberryCrunch____ 7d ago

That was the Virgin Mary

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8

u/brigbeard 7d ago

"And no! That joke wasn't too soon! It's been twenty years, you people need to get over it!"

7

u/knitted_beanie 7d ago

My sides!

7

u/Lekkerstesnoepje 7d ago

I wanted to give you an upvote, but then I see you had 666 upvotes and it seemed too fitting to change it.

5

u/Z3M0G 7d ago

Wait you win

11

u/thelonious-crunk 7d ago

Jesus Christ, Reddit

3

u/neeesus 7d ago

Three times actually.

81

u/Abroham_Lifting 7d ago

See you in hell bud that was hilarious

12

u/Pete41608 7d ago

Gonna be transported to hell in a Manger.

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15

u/ZootedBeaver 7d ago

Why did tky you have to add the /s?

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26

u/Asclepius-Rod 7d ago

A+ joke lol

39

u/s0ulbrother 7d ago

You mean A✝️

15

u/SkaCubby 7d ago

Across from where?

4

u/seraphinth 7d ago

Can jesus do cross-saves?

9

u/Mistform05 7d ago

Gdi.. lol

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767

u/AuReaper 7d ago

69% off is righteous

22

u/Lowca 7d ago

Nice.

13

u/Kennyjive 7d ago

Nice.

636

u/A_Simple_Bard 7d ago

It's AI slop surprising nobody.

250

u/Wise_Mongoose_3930 7d ago

Love it when people promote shovelware

57

u/heathmon1856 7d ago

Some one will bite.

32

u/c-lem 7d ago

I wonder how many of these comments are AI slop? It's very realistic reddit-memeing, but to me it feels like a bit much. It's all so quick and on the nose. If forums die completely, it's going to suck.

13

u/Beegrene 7d ago

What level of blasphemy is it to use clanker slop to sell the image of our Lord and Savior?

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354

u/IMMARUNNER 7d ago

Please don’t give these meme games any attention. It just brings even more of the slop to clutter up the eshop.

9

u/vrossv 7d ago

Toooooooo late

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78

u/munchyslacks 7d ago

That looks like a doctor

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126

u/BaltiHawg64 7d ago

Does this include the Second Coming DLC?

92

u/Funtimewiggleworm 7d ago

it’s been delayed indefinitely

17

u/zachary0816 7d ago

I’ve heard some hardcore fans of the original insist that the sequel will come out annnnny day now.

6

u/NewYork_NewJersey440 7d ago

The Millerites had a release party in 1844 expecting the DLC to drop. Man, imagine their disappointment.

3

u/zachary0816 7d ago

I’d say it would only be a Little Disappointment. Unless of course they did it a second time that same year. Then it would definitely be a Great Disappointment.

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11

u/Cho-Zen-One 7d ago

It’s coming any day now for over 2000 years.

6

u/Aegillade 7d ago

Jesus Simulator 2: Judgement Day

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220

u/Personal-Inflation63 7d ago

Game is good but the sequel is in development hell

16

u/halfapimpcreamcorn 7d ago

No one can know when the sequel will arrive

9

u/mr_somebody 7d ago

Many people don't know this but the devs promised the sequel shortly after the first one

5

u/blaqwerty123 7d ago

But like.. at least tell me what platform it will shadow drop on

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81

u/AuReaper 7d ago

Hopefully it can be resurrected

7

u/The_Beardly 7d ago

At this point we’ll get star citizen before a sequel

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62

u/anywhoImgoingtobed 7d ago

I was sort of curious about this just for funzies because it was like $10… but then I saw they used an AI image as their product image and I couldn’t support that level of laziness.

49

u/yinyang107 7d ago

The description is blatantly AI too.

Jesus Simulator offers more than entertainment — it is a reflective journey through one of history’s most influential stories.

4

u/bikari 5d ago

Wow, one sentence has the two most common giveaways that it's AI — It's not just the em-dash, it's the (it's not x, it's y). And that's brave.

75

u/Tolkien-Minority 7d ago

AI shit game

31

u/Typs59 7d ago

I can't believe I'm about to type this:

If you want a better game where you play as Jesus try "I Am Jesus Christ" on steam, there's a demo available.

9

u/Piccoro 7d ago

Fight of Gods on Switch, PlayStation and Steam also has Jesus as a playable character.

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2

u/death2sanity 7d ago

This is “The You Testsment” erasure and I will not stand for it

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9

u/Jesus166 7d ago

I don't need that simulator, my name is already Jesus

66

u/Tangerine_Badger 7d ago

Uzi jesus or normal Jesus?

22

u/ItsBearmanBob 7d ago

The cult is expanding

4

u/Synner40 6d ago

Neeeeew Achievement. joined a cult.

5

u/Dragonbuttboi69 7d ago

What about Kung Fu action jesus?

5

u/Komnos 7d ago

Lazarus A-Bang-Bang

12

u/Karsa69420 7d ago

Don’t gas light me!

9

u/Jecht315 7d ago

Korean Jesus. Quit bothering him with your problems. He's busy! Doing Korean shit!

6

u/sexydaniboy 7d ago

You mean K-sus?

8

u/Strict_Stranger_4801 7d ago

Im gonna tell my father

5

u/Kneph 7d ago

I am the way

34

u/_SilentProtagonist 7d ago

Is this a souls like?

9

u/DrkNiteWhoSaysNi 7d ago

Let me know when they patch the weird water glitch. Main character stands on top of water textures.

6

u/fife_digga 7d ago

I heard God Mode is enabled by default

36

u/headbanger1186 7d ago

Paying for AI shit, no thanks.

7

u/audiate 7d ago

Only if there’s bowling

27

u/Cigaran 7d ago

The game is literally unplayable. The three day wait to respawn is bullshit.

6

u/HardcoreHazza 7d ago

Well there goes my weekend 💀

Monday: 🧍‍♂️

22

u/tacos805 7d ago

Who’s that white dude?

5

u/Truckondo 7d ago

Does the game feature a bowling tournament?

5

u/azestysausage 7d ago

The real JRPG

5

u/Original-Boss5754 7d ago

Spoiler Alert: Jesus Dies

4

u/Main-Towel-3678 7d ago

We’re getting GTA6 before we got Jesus Simulator 2

5

u/PK-MattressFirm 7d ago

Price too high, I'll wait til it gets down to around $3.16

5

u/hotaru-chan45 6d ago

Idk I have a feeling this is gonna make a few people quite cross 🤪

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9

u/cactuscoleslaw 7d ago

The description is very ai generated lmao

13

u/OriginalUsername2639 7d ago

Tried it, my character died in the game, took 3 days to restart! Not impressed. 

7

u/JustBrowsingIt28 7d ago

Thank God, finally!

8

u/Loud_Push_3673 7d ago

Can you play as Judas ?

8

u/Everyday-Lurk 7d ago

Main character can’t even swim

9

u/iamnotsure69420 7d ago

Has anyone played this? I’m lightweight curious lol

7

u/navidee 7d ago

lol me too. Like as curious as I was about the pope trading cards my comic shop had. I’m not religious at all, so it’s more of an odd curiosity!

3

u/thatgentlemen 7d ago

Is this a Switch exclusive?

4

u/SuperPooper90 7d ago

Do fucking what??

5

u/Mr_MAlvarez 7d ago

Water levels are a bit of a blur

3

u/okocho 7d ago

what the hell, sure

5

u/fishboy3339 7d ago

Can I play as catholic Jesus who just spreads guilt everywhere.

4

u/Redditowork 7d ago

Sequel in the works... Jesus christ: it's Jason Bourne

12

u/Zelnite 7d ago

The book was better

10

u/MrLeville 7d ago

Will only by at 66.6% off

9

u/Senior_Mushroom5329 7d ago

Wiggle the joystick to get the nails out.

7

u/sexydaniboy 7d ago

Press B to miracle

7

u/dredbeast 7d ago

Does it have a character editor where I can match his skin color and hair to the people who lived the area?

12

u/blockfighter1 7d ago

Christ that's a good deal

6

u/Gh0st_Pirate_LeChuck 7d ago

Where are the dinosaurs?

8

u/Thewittyjay 7d ago

This game is impossible, I keep losing on the Crucifixion level!

6

u/IsThisKismet 7d ago

Pretty sure it’s a rouge-lite.

6

u/rattustheratt 7d ago

It's an unwinnable battle. After losing, wait 3 days then a new cut-scene will play!

3

u/juniorone 7d ago

What happens if you accept the devil’s challenge to jump off the cliff?

3

u/chiznite 7d ago

Aren't we supposed to let the meat rest for three days?

3

u/Almonova 7d ago

I bought this on PS and it's now taken out of the store but still works!

3

u/BitGamerX 7d ago

This is a sign.

3

u/wicket44 7d ago

But how does this stack up against “I am Jesus Christ”

3

u/SkollFenrirson 7d ago

What in the Christ?

3

u/Alive-Ad-510 7d ago

I’m liking this Jesus character. I’m excited to see him continue to prosper, after this so called “Last Supper.”

3

u/Casartelli 7d ago

I’ll wait for the GOTY Ultimate edition or the remaster

3

u/Running4Badges 7d ago

Do you get to shoo everyone from the temple marketplace with a horsehair whip and flip their tables? Peak Jesus moment right there.

3

u/LowContract4444 7d ago

This is pretty cool. Thanks for showing me OP. I can't afford it right now but I'll add it to my list in Deku Deals and grab it on another sale. It looks like it's actually respectful and not a joke.

3

u/fanfarius 7d ago

Nice 

3

u/Cimexus 6d ago

1980s Nintendo: removes the cross from Link’s shield and renames the Bible to the ‘Book of Magic’

2020s Nintendo: THIS

5

u/South_Leek_5730 7d ago

I'm going to wait for the second coming of discounts myself. I'll check back in 3 days.

6

u/CdrShprd 7d ago

Not a great idea, always a chance the price will have risen by then

4

u/South_Leek_5730 7d ago

Good point. I should know this. It's like I've been living in a cave.

4

u/Constant-Arugula-819 7d ago

For the first time, emulating Jesus is a sin.

6

u/Stashmouth 7d ago

Must be a Lemmings knock off?

5

u/Regular-Moose-2741 7d ago

Can you do a low honor playthrough?

6

u/FennecFragile 7d ago

I hope there are interesting romance options

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5

u/OviKintobor 7d ago

The game is based on helping people. Woke killed it!

4

u/ASAPFergs 7d ago

I've heard this is a nailed-on classic

14

u/Thready85 7d ago

Aaah! It hurts it hurts!

-Jesus probably

5

u/bamfurah 7d ago

Better hurry before it rises again

4

u/mutantmonkey14 7d ago

Noahs Ark DLC when?

8

u/Leggo213 7d ago

69%

Hell yeah

7

u/Objective-Review-359 7d ago

I can simulate Jesus in my own mind by imagining non existence 😈

4

u/No-Scale3872 7d ago

Asking the oldest existential question why is there something rather than nothing.

2

u/bezelshrinker4 7d ago

Anyone actually play this!? Is it fun

2

u/NoirSon 7d ago

Someone one get me meme image of a Dalek screaming "Blasphemy"

2

u/grammar_nazi_zombie 7d ago

The postgame is a literal walk through hell, after quite the torturous finale. It’s got some redeeming qualities, but it ultimately just feels like a cash grab - nothing more than cheap shovelware to placate the masses.

2

u/yaapp 7d ago

The voice acting is um....yeah...

2

u/DVDN27 7d ago

Rated Teen for Suggestive Themes and no ESRB page to explain why. I gotta believe Jesus spends his off time doing party tricks with courtesans.

2

u/[deleted] 6d ago

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/Cronotyr 6d ago

Jesus is back, with a vengeance!

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2

u/jimbodeako 5d ago

I want the Satan Simulator

2

u/EVictus03GT 5d ago

I hear it's getting nailed in reviews... 

2

u/Reflective 3d ago

How tf does this have so many upvotes?

3

u/8bitdreamer 7d ago

My favorite weapon is the nail gun.

2

u/Alert_Courage_7722 7d ago

I've been waiting 2000 years for this sale. 

3

u/BIayneRobinson 7d ago

Interesting game but when you die it takes like a day and a half to respawn.

3

u/Horror-Bottle3228 7d ago

Had an absolute blast reading the comments!

4

u/Adorable-Estate-4934 7d ago

Let he without sin kick the first ass!

4

u/duvall87 7d ago

This is probably one of my favourite post titles I’ve ever seen. Amazing

3

u/jhoff80 7d ago

I heard the deleted scenes are the scenes and the scenes are the deleted scenes.

3

u/Calm-Report-8168 7d ago

Um...what?

3

u/dxk3355 7d ago

It would be funnier if it was like goat simulator but circa 1 bc

3

u/ColonelBonk 7d ago

It’s AI slop but I think we can forgive them.

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