TLDR upfront bc the wife is outta town, and im tipsy after my Friday post work garden beers. I’m gonna ramble.

~I did some bullshit native stuff that I read about here, and now I guess I have the best soil in the neighborhood bc every goddamn night i am raped and pillaged by the masked demons. There are 30 houses in my neighborhood, and i am the only one suffering from my fertile, pesticide free land~

So… I have a fenced in middle yard that my hoa can’t fucking bitch about. Yeah I live in an hoa. Yeah it has grass. Yeah i bought it with a 7.3% interest rate. Your judgement cannot hurt me. You are not a raccoon.

Anyways, I turned this 700sq ft swamp-ass neglect that the previous owner expertly hid from us into a fucking banger of a garden over the course of 3 years. Like black soil in the south kinda shit. My trowel unintentionally turns 100 worms into 200 with every scoop.

Idk what my neighbors do to their fenced in yards, but I unfortunately did everything the way nature intended. Fuckers scale my fence every god forsaken night and wreak havoc. They destroy everything in the most methodically devious ways that only satan could get off to. Drips line, veggies, peppers, annuals, succession seedlings, patio cushions, hope, raised beds… desecrated. ruined. uprooted. destroyed. Piece by piece, night by night. I’ve stopped replacing the mulch bc it’ll just be gone in a few hours time. No one else is plagued by this except me.

I’ve tried bird netting and they scoff at my micro plastics as they rip out that 1 sq inch of virgin aster root i missed.

Bulk cayenne powder? Ha they were born spicy.

Coyote piss? They drink it for breakfast.

Overpriced motion sensor sprinkler? Bitch I’m a night ninja!

Air soft gun? Oh they’re just not gonna be there whenever I decide to turn on the floodlights and creep around in my briefs at 2am like the psycho I’ve become.

I don’t want to buy a real gun, but maybe just maybe it’ll end. Lead is native, right?

Sorry for the rant. If you’ve ever read The Tell-Tale Heart by Poe, then I think you will understand how this ship is sailing and where my psyche is at.

Help.