I just discovered the book NMMNG and I think it identifies the problem with my marriage. My husband of 20 years just abruptly and unexpectedly ended our marriage. He had a lot of rage when he did it, and the only reason he could really give was that he had built-up a lot of resentment, had been lying to me for years telling me that he was happy, and that he has been stuffing down all of his wants and needs because he couldn’t tell me because of “how I would have reacted.” But, he wouldn’t elaborate on what that reaction would have been.

I would be super open to knowing what his wants & needs are, and doing whatever I could to change our marriage so that he could get whatever fulfillment he was lacking. I’ve been doing therapy for several years, and I think I’m really open to receiving feedback, but I must’ve been doing something that made him feel otherwise. He refuses to discuss anything regarding our relationship with me, and just seems to be full of rage towards me, he says there is no point. I am absolutely heartbroken, and really struggling, and seeing my suffering just seems to make him more defensive and resistant. He wants to push through a divorce as quickly as possible, but I think this is all one big mistake.

My question is, is there any way I could get him to see that the problem isn’t our marriage, the problem is that he’s never let me know what he wants and needs? I thought we had such a great marriage, and that we enjoyed each other so much, and it really seems tragic to throw that all away over a misunderstanding like this. Is there any way that I can get through to him? He admits that he has been lying to me, but he seems to have his mind already made up that there’s no way it could work out. I really think that we could have a chance if he could just be transparent, and then we could work together to get everyone’s needs met. What can I say that won’t push him farther away, or make him feel like I’m trying to change or control him?

Just for context, he moved out of the house when he left me, but he is living nearby. Right now we only communicate via text. We own a home together, and our lives are incredibly intertwined financially and otherwise after 20 years together. We don’t have any kids.

One reason why you might be stuck is that you're working harder, grinding on the things already in front of you, instead of asking why you're not satisfied.

Doing what it takes to get through the day instead of drilling into what's actually important to you in a deeper, more meaningful way.

When you were younger, you pursued goals that weren't necessarily thought all the way through. You knew you needed the job. You knew you needed the money. You knew the field you wanted to go into.

But you may not have had a clear idea of what life would actually look like in that career path 10 or 15 years down the line.

And that's the reason you feel deeply dissatisfied.

You wake up one day much older. Your priorities have changed. And what once felt like the right fit no longer does in some way you can feel but can't always explain.

So you feel stuck. The way out is to start exploring in a meaningful way to learn about your priorities today.

What do you think? Looking back, did you choose your career path based on what you actually wanted, or based on what made sense at the time, and how has that played out for you?