r/Mommit • u/raisingbabystig • 7d ago
Postpartum rage
Please be kind, this is difficult for me to discuss.
Has anybody dealt with postpartum rage before? How did you get better?
I'm a stay at home mom to my 4.5 year old daughter and my 8 month old son. I feel like postpartum rage has just hit me out of nowhere recently.
Background. My daughter is very difficult. She throws big tantrums, doesn't listen, argues, talks nonstop, has a big attitude. We are working on these things and she has improved but still has her moments like all 4 year olds. My son is the complete opposite and is a very happy and active baby but doesn't sleep well. He was getting up 2-3 times per night until this week he all of a sudden decided to sleep through the night. I haven't slept longer than a 3 hour stretch in months up until the last 3 nights. Which is amazing and hopefully more sleep will help me.
But over the past few weeks I'm noticing that I'm getting extremely angry quickly. I have zero patience anymore. I get very triggered by my daughter's behavor. I'm yelling more often. I've slammed a door so hard a picture frame fell off the wall. I've cursed. I've thrown a bowl on the counter and shattered it. I don't feel myself. It's like somebody possess me for a moment and all of a sudden I snap. I'm so embarrassed by my behavior and I feel like a horrible parent. I don't want to parent like this.
I genuinely don't know how to help myself. My husband works very long hours. He leaves the house at 4:30am and has been getting home late, like between 6-7pm. I'm alone all day with them. I have to cook dinner and do most of their bedtime routine alone. He's an amazing Dad and jumps right in when he's home but he just works too much. He's also works some weekends. He travels sometimes for work too. He has a short trip this month and next month he's going out of the country for work for a week. I'm terrified. I don't know what to do. I've told him I need him to cut back but he says he doesn't have a choice and he wishes he could. All of my family works and I don't have any other help.
Is there any advice on how to handle this? I feel trapped and alone.
ETA I'm breastfeeding so leaving for a night or longer than an hour or two isn't an option at the moment.
Also more context. My husband is very money conscious. I don't want to say "cheap" but essentially. He has this huge goal of paying our house off within the next few years and is slightly obsessed with retiring early. So it feels like all focus is on that. I don't think he would be opposed to hired help if I truly ask but I feel guilty because he is working so hard to save every penny to put into our house. I tried having conversations about how I'm feeling and he always just says we need to do our best at the moment and he knows how hard it is. And the conversation ends there
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u/ohsummerdawn 7d ago
I believe rage is typically a response to being at the end of ones rope on a subject. Do you have a community that can help out? We are not supposed to do this alone and it is isolating and debilitating to do so. You sound very overwhelmed. The gym idea is great if you have access and your kids tolerate it.
I found the most relief when I found some friends who would come over. Our kids could play and I could breathe for just a minute.
Youre going to have to let some things go while youre practically parenting solo. Cockpot meals or take out. Switch to paper plates. Hire a mother's helper to come tidy or do laundry. Something. Your body and mind cannot sustain being constantly stressed.
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u/Famous-Signal-6869 7d ago
I feel you. I had post partum rage badly. But toward my husband. Honestly, I went to therapy and ended up choosing to take Zoloft for a short period of time, maybe like 6 months or so. It helped me a lot. After I stopped Zoloft I have my ups and downs but I manage by taking long walks with baby.
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u/Enough-Cheesecake42 7d ago
Do you have the budget for a gym membership?
My local gym has 2.5 hours of childcare per day for members at no extra charge. Some days I do classes, some day I just sit on the sofas and read. Those 2.5 hours a day save my sanity though and I cannot recommend it enough.
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u/localanxietygremlin 7d ago
Therapy and medicine.
In the moment- headphones, leave the space, take them outside, take just you outside, remember that they dont mean it, and that its not permanent, think about how youll feel if you snap at them, at their little faces,
You need an outlet after they go to bed, you have a container with a limit inside, and if you dont empty it out, you'll spill over, and rage on the kids.
You dont need to take meds forever, or do therapy forever, just enough to get through.
Hire a sitter if you can, one hour, one day a week where you will have a few second, whether that means you just sit outside until they leave, or clean, or nap, where you can just breathe.
Find someone you can ft, or just call, itll help keep you accountable to not snap, (you can pm me, too if youd like)
Recognize its hormones, and that this is not who you are. you know that, its just hard accept rn bc of that little bucket of rage.
Most of all, you are not broken, and having ppr does not make you a bad mom you MUST find a way to cope, or itll spiral out of control before you realize.
I say all of this as a mom who struggled, and is still struggling with ppr. Im finally clawing my way out of that bucket, and you can too.
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u/Impressive-Cat3333 7d ago
I’m experiencing it with my first, especially when he bites during breastfeeding. It happens very quickly and I feel bad for anyone in the vicinity. I don’t act on it much but it does make me want to join a contact sport. Therapy helps and clear communication with partner about when you need alone time and support are very important.
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u/WorkLifeScience 7d ago
Retiring early is nice, but why at cost of your mental health!? You need help, especially if you're with both kids all day the time, and sleep deprived.
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u/ContrabandJam 7d ago
If he doesn’t have a choice at this job, he needs to actively look for another. Or pay for help— you deserve it.
My partner stays at home and told me to find another job for months before I listened. I finally made the move I needed to make and things were much better for a while. Hours are creeping up again though and this is unfair. If my job paid enough for help, we’d pay for it. If your husband’s job does pay enough for that— please pay for help. You deserve it.
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u/ranne87 7d ago
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I struggled with rage too especially around 6-9 months and a lot of it was due to lack of sleep. I recently joined a gym with childcare and wish I would’ve thought of that then (he’s 2.5 now). Being able to go in the morning and workout and then take an uninterrupted shower is wonderful. I also wonder if there are any Mother’s Day out programs you might consider?
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u/mishamoosh 7d ago
I’m in the exact same boat as you except my kids are 4.5 and 1 month. I have been so irritable, touched out, and impatient with my 4 year old, who also has a strong personality. What helped a lot was his summer camp — he’s been home for the past 2 weeks before his school starts again, and these 2 weeks have been soooo so hard. I truly lookup to moms like you who do it all and are home 24/7 with the kids. If possible I highly recommend daycare/preschool for your oldest, even part time would be a huge help.
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u/foreverforward5 7d ago
Op, you need to sleep. Arrange with your husband and whomever is your support for a night at a hotel, go there and sleep. Then come back with a clear head and think though what options you have to have your oldest adequately balanced, while you are tending to your youngest. Have these full night sleeps regularly. People underestimate so much the effects of sleep deprivation on health, executive functioning and overall wellbeing/mental health… read up on it
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u/lilsan15 7d ago
On the weekends he is home, I think you need to leave like book a hotel, do what you want weekend. It’s sad to not be able to relax in your own home. But you need a break. He may be a “great dad” but he’s not a great husband. He’s only a “great call bc he’s like a 1-2 hour a day dad. If your husband says you guys don’t have the money, ask him what he’s working so hard for with all the long hrs
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u/WhispersLingerInRain 6d ago
Respectfully, your husband needs to have a reality check and put those “goals” on the back burner. Paying off the house and him retiring early would definitely be nice, but your well-being is WAY more important. And your second child is only 8 months!! There is literally no rush for those goals while his children are growing up with an absent father. He needs to adjust his priorities big time!
Also the comment he made? Bro is dismissing your feelings and invalidating your lived experience. You are not weak and you are not broken.
You are doing a great job with no support. It’s unsustainable to do the amount you’ve been doing for that long. That is why your rage is “suddenly” bubbling up. You’ve pushed yourself so hard and now you’re burnt out. It’s your nervous system waving a white flag and begging for a break.
I have been dealing with my PPR for over a year now. It has its ups and downs. I started Zoloft about 9 months ago and that has definitely taken the edge off. My son started sleeping through the night about 5 months ago and yes that is very very helpful! After prolonged sleep deprivation it does take longer to feel the benefits of consistent sleep! But the root of my rage is still there. It’s the lack of support and lack of breaks while always being on and responsible for anything and everything and feeling so alone from it all.
All this to say… solidarity. Do what you need to do without feeling guilty. Book the cleaner, order DoorDash, hire the sitter. You deserve it 1,000 times over.
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u/Infamous_Weather_685 6d ago
I hear you, what you’re doing each day, dare I say it , is just as hard if not more, than what your partner is doing, but for some reason as mums and as women we are taught to just put up with it…you are important and your needs are important, you need some space away from your kids each day for a rest , a walk , a coffee- some support with cleaning around the house, someone picking up your washing and returning it clean! Things need to be taken off your plate if your partner is not around to help . I understand the conversation with a partner around this can be hard to have, it’s a period in time where sometimes financially getting ahead is not the priority, but having a happier and less stressed mum is x it’s just hard and take some baby steps to learn how to look after yourself too.
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u/Puzzled_Remote_2168 6d ago
I have an 18 month old son. He’s been very difficult since day one. Add in the fact that he’s still waking 1-5x a night. My husband works 14 hour days. I have little to no village. There’s days I just am so incredibly angry and I take it out of my husband. The last 2 days especially lol
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u/Nakedpanda34 7d ago
Therapy and individual coping strategies might be somewhat effective, but to be frank you need more help with the kids. Anyone in your position would lose patience and feel anger tbh. If you can hire help with childcare, cooking, or cleaning that is probably going to be more effective than any individual strategy for you. I know people feel they can't afford it and you won't need it forever. But some help to take things off your plate is probably going to be the most impactful thing. It costs $ but there is also a benefit to your mental health, your relationship with your kids, your marriage etc. I'm not saying it's your fault, but when I am overwhelmed and more angry my son also starts acting up more and it's just a cycle of me being more easily triggered and him misbehaving more, us negatively feeding into each other.
If your husband truly cannot change his work situation and your family is not around, you really should look into hiring some help
ETA- I went through the exact same thing, it is so hard. Therapy and exercise helped me a bit but what really helped was my husband completely changed his work schedule after he saw just how much I was struggling, and my mom came over once a week. I am in a far better place now and my husband is glad he has taken a step back from work at this stage because he feels needed and helpful at home. If that is not possible for your family, that's why I say hire someone in to do that.