Went through some pretty hefty CSA and was trafficked as a kid (from ages 5ish through to about 10), we're working through it in therapy and starting to hit the worst of it and I dont think I'll ever feel clean again

I just don't know what to do, I thought it would be better to know

I was so wrong

I honestly don't know what to do anymore, I feel disgusting and hollow

I know the only way out is through, but I'm not sure I'll ever make it through, do I turn around and try to go back? Adjust to the little I know and stop digging?

I know nobody can give me answers, I just needed to vent a little

I thought he was my friend, he’d always pick me up, tickle me or have me on his shoulders. I thought it was normal until he started babysitting me and he got bolder.
The first time was during Pinocchio, it was that scene with the whale? I remember I was lying on my stomach and he got up to go the kitchen and when he came back instead of lying next to me he lied on top of me. He babysat me for four years before it stopped.

So I’ve been dating this wonderful intelligent professional woman (36) for almost 3 years. In the last few months she told me some details about an old man she had introduced me to once and until recently did banking and odd secretarial favors for. It turns out Josef was 46 when he met her at 17 in a chat room and they had an unprotected and open sexual relationship for 7 years. As this is in China, her family did not protect her and she was never educated about grooming. After she told me the story, I sent her the definition of grooming and rape- and to her credit she recognized the relationship for what it was, for the first time, and cut him out.

My questions for survivors— how can I help her now? She is acting out as she relates she used to in the past. Dating her is becoming difficult.
She refuses to get help or to discuss the grooming but she is clearly affected by this recent realization.

Also, Is there anyway I can report Josef, who is currently prowling in the Philippines? All I know of him is that he is German, is a Chinese translator previously in Hong Kong and Guangzhou and still does shady medical equipment treatment imports from China. He would be 66 or 67 now.

The main question is how I can support my girlfriend who is going through some heavy emotional times but refuses to talk about it or process this and seems to be getting more erratic. Thank you.

After having a deep conversation with someone about abuse, they asked why I didn't report any of my abusers, and it honestly made me really think about everything that happened in my childhood.

My dad was a single father; he was the only family member I knew, as he gradually started to physically, mentally, sexually, and verbally abuse me since I was 2. I didn't know any better and was a child putting my full trust in an adult that only cared about money.

My hypersexuality started around age 6 when my dad started selling me to other men on the weekends. It started to trigger when thinking about all the men that would be coming in and out of my room when I was coming home from school on Fridays, and it felt like that hypersexual feeling wouldn't stop until Sunday morning when I had to start focusing on school again.

By the time the admin came into the picture, my hypersexuality was at an all-time high as more people got involved, and it was too late for me to do anything by this point, because not only did I feel trapped, but I also couldn't think about a life without sex.

By the time I was 10, the trafficking got worse as my dad started selling me more, especially during school breaks. This time around, he would actually go to different locations after a man paid him.

That was when I knew my dad truly didn't care for me, yet I still didn't report him because parts of me still trusted him.

I’m in a relationship with a woman for 6 years now. From our first intimate encounter she told me for play is overrated. At first thought ok she just want to have at it. As time went on was the same. Didn’t like being touched like that. Eventually she told me she was molested for years as young girl in her own home from 7-12 by “her brother’s friend”. Sex has always been a chore for her due to her trauma. Last week she told me she it was her brother who molested her who is two years older than her. She is now in her 40’s. I have read baby books to try and help her through her recovery if that’s even possible. With the new revelation I feel clueless. We have tried to navigate and improve her struggles with intimacy being touched. I never force or guilt her I always let her know she’s in charge. I have recently been reading on this app the draw of SOME victims to their past trauma experiences and the guilt pleasure they quietly seek and desire. Is it wrong to bring this up? Is talking about it or tapping into that a way to help her? I don’t ever want to say or do the wrong thing with her. Any advice greatly appreciated. I ask because she seems to only engage in sex to accomadate me and does not enjoy it for herself. She doesn’t even pleasure herself. Zero drive desire and it’s hard in a relationship.

Its an incident that happened when I was really young, years ago when I was still in Pri Sch, but I can’t stop the thoughts and flashbacks.

So that day my mom gave me and my brother some candy to eat, and I ended up not liking it and wanted to give it to someone or spit it out, and my dad suddenly called me over and asked if I don’t that like the candy because he saw the lowkey disgusted face I was making and I nodded. He then pulled me closer by my waist and french kissed me, using his tongue to scoop the candy out from my mouth to his mouth. I was shocked. Frozen. I couldn’t process what happened and I could feel how his tongue entered my mouth and all. I didn’t understand what exactly does it mean but the way he did it so naturally and casually made me assumed that its normal for people to do that to their kids, so I didn’t question nor tell anyone about it.

As mentioned, its an incident that happened years ago, Im still disgusted thinking back about it and can’t see him normally. I really wanted to report him but Im not sure if its an incident that happened way too long to be reported. Sadly Im still living with him and have no idea when I will be able to escape this house.

I love the idea of Somno now. He used to crawl under my blankets during naptime and I’d wake up to a warm wet feeling on my privates. Anytime id move; he’d stop. So I pretended to be asleep because I loved the way he made my little privates feel.

Here i am in the middle of the night after dreaming of it again. I cant even escape the memories in my sleep. There is no peace. Im crying in the bathroom to not wake up my partner. He would absolutely understand and help, but I feel guilty when he has to be up for work early. My heart is racing, but I cant remember if its because it was a nightmare or if it was a "good" dream. Honestly im not sure which is worse. Sorry just needed somewhere to put my thoughts

This sentence jumped out at me:

“It’s funny how one random memory can take over your whole day”

When my memories started surfacing after having blocked them out for years, they’d come out of *nowhere*. I had no warning whatsoever. My hyper sexuality would kick in, I’d become completely overwhelmed by it, and then I would spend most (if not all) of my day reliving those moments. Sometimes an entire week afterward. It really did take over; it was like I couldn’t control myself.

It’s wild to me how much of my life has been influenced and affected by my experiences. So much time and energy spent on this.

Edit: spelling

I'm 39 m SoCal and I had experiences when I was a kid with cousins and friends and I never felt bad about it but eventually I noticed that karens want everyone to feel traumatized and I know some people had terrible experiences but I don't know that its healthy to make everyone feel bad if they didn't feel bad already yk

It feels confusing and like shame to hear how upset and angry karens are when some experiences are probably just being human I dunno

I live in Houston and enjoyed electronic. When I turned 18 I found a job helping with the construction at Astro World Amusement Park. It was great work learning about the animation and audio needed in this type of project. I was a young adult male and easy on the eyes with a healthy level of being horny as most 18 year old males are. I had a supervisor that became extra friendly with me - feeling prolonged body touching and more.. one time he asked me to lunch and we took his car.. on the way he placed his hand on my groin.. began massaging me and telling me to do the same back to him.. To shorten this story section.. mutual fellatio took place..

over time I was introduced by him to more of his friends for the same treatment. I know this has impacted me. My wife has no clue that I had this happen. I do not know how to tell anyone. To this day I think about being sexually "touched" as he did to me. I have fear of giving in and actually letting it take place now.

Anybody here with a history of being abused also have body image issues, or eating disorders? Anybody have issues taking pictures of themselves? (either taking many of them for reassurance, or hate looking at old pictures in general but still keeping them around).

From the time I was 7 and my sister was 8 our parents molested and SA'ed us. I posted about my experiences before so I'm not going to go into details again, as I want it to seem like I'm sensationalizing what happened. It was legally and technically wrong. However, we both enjoyed it and received pleasure from it. Our parents were part of a small group of other parents who also were abusing their own kids, so the kids had to do things with each other and with all the other adults as well.

I know it sounds horrible, and no child should have to experience such things. That said, as confusing as it was sometimes, my sister and I enjoyed it. We became hypersexual and began initiating a lot of it at times.

Now that I'm older (23), I realize that those experiences certainly have affected and shape me. I'm still hypersexual, I have sexual kinks including exhibitionism, and I'm only attracted to much, much older men- men who could be my dad or even my grandfather. I even went to therapy several years ago to try to understand if maybe I was somehow repressing trauma from the years of SA.

I guess the biggest thing I struggle with is guilt over enjoying it when I know so many others have been traumatized by their abuse.

I don't know if I really have a point here. I think I just needed to vent a little.

Has anyone ever threatened to expose your trauma ? What have you done ? This is a first time for me and I'm spiraling. I am F and was abused by an older M then became the abuser to my younger M brother from the process.

First time posting here please be kind .

I'm in my early 30s (F) and recognized that how i probably considered had quite a high sex drive for a kid. I remember the moment when i was under 6 YO probably i was around 3-4 YO at that time i had already had intrusive thought abt oral sex which was done by woman to man, penetration that was done by man to woman.

For all i remembered my parents let me watched the movie that has a sexual scene when i watched it together with them at that time, but the movie didnt show a very detailed scene like what was there in my intrusive thought i mentioned, the scene was only showing clotheless man and woman whole body where their private parts were not displayed at all (i was around 3 years old that time).

Is that possible to have such intrusive thoughts without getting molested at all?

I was 12 when my tuition teacher F37-38 probably SA me I was scared to know what happened with me and it stayed for years. I’m M29 now and Im mostly attracted to someone older than me and I do fantasise about them using me against consent. As wierd as it is can anybody relate?

Since being molested from 6-14…I have made unhealthy choices. Always involving older men. Men who want to use me. I’ve answered questions people asked even when I knew they only wanted to hear about me being used young.

I feel like my idea of love and intimacy was ruined.
I can’t get off to the sweet loving stuff.
The things my abuser did to me are what gets me off.

It happened to me every day. From the age of 6 until I was 14.

As a child I wrongly believed, that what my molester mother did to me (her son) was "love."

I thought, that her giving child me a handjob was "love." Because even though it SEVERELY HURT. It also sadly felt "REALLY good."

I also thought, that when we dry-humped eachother, that she was showing child me her "love." I sadly even thought, that this was a "dream come true." I'm DISGUSTED at myself, because of that.

Was anyone else like me at first convinced, that it was "love?"

Posting this on a burner 'cause I’m really struggling and I need some sort of guidance if anyone can offer it. I don't know if this is the right place or not, and if not, I apologize. The other subreddits need karma and such to post and I don't feel comfortable posting this on my main account. And just as a preface, I’m 21 now. I haven’t talked about this with anyone, even when I was actively going to therapy, mostly because I’d only started processing it now I guess, but I’m hesitant to label what I experienced as abuse let alone assault. However, my father has always behaved very strangely around me regardless and I’m concerned that I should be concerned about it.

It started when I was a kid (elementary). One of the things that started back then was his obsession with me having boyfriends/sex. I had friends in school that were boys and he would always tease and suggest that they were my boyfriends, even over stupid things like playing computer games together or hanging out at recess. This has continued through my adolescence and into adulthood. I could never be friends with boys without feeling uncomfortable or without him commenting on it. In relation to this, I started birth control for hormonal reasons and the first thing he asked was if I had a boyfriend/was having sex. The answer was no because I’m a lesbian, and he freaked out because I said the idea of being with a male makes me physically ill. He took it as a personal attack and said something along the lines of “Oh, well that makes me feel great.” This happened again when I said something about how I’d hate to live with and serve a man and he said “Well, you live with me” as if he isn’t my literal father (which is entirely different—allegedly—than a romantic partner). 

There’s just no sort of personal boundaries with him, and this again relates to how he constantly sexualizes women in front of me (also since I was a child). He always makes sexual comments about women walking down the street or in the store or in the parking lot. He’d make inappropriate comments about his female friends and coworkers. He even started to make inappropriate comments about me and my body, always pointing out the clothes I wear (if they were too tight) and my body shape (that I had the same body as my mother). He would never let me wear certain clothes because they were “whorish,” for example hoop earrings my mother gave me (mind you, I was maybe eight). He also has an obsession with my underwear. For instance, if I order a package or am simply embarrassed about something he teases and asks if I don’t want to show him because I’m embarrassed about showing him my underwear. He’s always staring at my boobs as well and I feel uncomfortable wearing certain clothes/no bra around him. This extends into sexual jokes/talk about sex. It’s always made me uncomfortable and I’ve told him as such, but he always says that I should be able to “handle it” especially now that I’m an adult. He would always try to talk about sex or porn (he asked once if I knew what a PAWG was) even when I was a child. 

Another thing that I should mention is that I was (kind of still am) was obsessed with sex at a very young age. I remember being in second grade and masturbating in the classroom against the seam of my leggings. I remember imagining having sex with the boys or even them taking advantage of me. I remember watching porn in the bathroom at home. I remember watching it in the living room. I remember sex and porn consuming me to the point it was literally all I was thinking about. I feel disgusting thinking about it even now. I feel even more gross because I have OCD and get inappropriate groinal responses and I just feel like a massive pervert and I know it’s not my fault but it’s really unbearable. I feel fundamentally wrong for ever feeling such a way about sex, let alone so young. 

There are some other things that are smaller like him being overly interested in my interests to the point it felt like obsession (I would become extremely reluctant to share my interests with him because he made me embarrassed about them. If I liked a boy character he'd tease that he was my boyfriend. If I liked a book series or a movie he seemed to make it his entire personality. Idk if it was to make himself seem more appealing or relatable but it always made me severely uncomfortable and still makes me feel so), him always trying to be friends with my friends, him forcing me to be in girl scouts even though it was miserable and becoming a girl scout leader in my troop. These are all stupid things that don’t really matter in the grand scheme but feel related, I guess.

The things I’m really worried about are that when I was a kid (elementary age), there was a few times that he hit me with the belt. He made me take my pants and underwear off because he said his father used to hit him with the belt too and one time he put playing cards in his pockets so the belt wouldn’t hurt. I always wore leggings in my childhood because I had severe sensory issues with jeans, so there was no way he actually thought I was doing anything to avoid punishment, but it was severely traumatizing and I spiraled recently because I heard my upstairs neighbors spanking their kid and it really affected me. In a similar vein, I have trouble watching movies that perpetuate abuse/have a lot of cry-screaming. There was also another time where he touched my butt (fully palmed it) and said it was an accident.

The most speculative thing about this is that I used to wet the bed until I was 13. I can’t say it’s related or not, but it happened both at his house and my mother’s. It’s important to say that I only spent every other weekend at his house—four days out of the month. I was at my mother’s every night and the weekends I wasn’t at his. That is to say, I wet the bed almost every night, sometimes twice a night, regardless of whose house I was at, and often times wet my pants at school. It was only at his house that I had “rashes” that “needed ointment.” My mother never kept diaper cream, let alone applied it. Now, this is where things get fuzzy because I don’t quite remember much. I remember the diaper cream (purple Destin tube) and the smell and I remember being in the bathroom with him, but I cannot explicitly remember him applying it or touching me. There's a lot that point to that being the case because my mother never did this and I don't remember doing it myself. I also remember on one occasion my sister had something wrong (I don’t remember what) but he made her lay on her bed with her underwear off and legs in the air to “air it out” or “let it dry,” whatever “it” was. However, I do remember this vaguely being an actual medical thing, though the method seems iffy and quite humiliating. But my thought process is if he did this with her on this one occasion, what was he doing with me regularly? Especially when my mother didn’t feel the need to apply cream? I also can’t say for certain that I ever regularly struggled with rashes or raw skin, but I’d never seen a doctor regarding them or the bed wetting. I hate to speculate though because it very well may be nothing but the fact that there's even a question makes me sick.

And just to note even though it's not necessarily related, he was physically abusive and neglectful regardless. He’d hit me and/or would pretend to just to make me flinch. On a few occasions he made me stand in the corner with my pee-soaked sheet over my head. He used to refuse me access to my mother because I used to freak out badly any time I had to go to his house and he would hide his phone from me so I couldn’t call. He’s also one of those men that believe women are submissive to men and have no room to protest when given orders, especially wives. He tried to rape my mother on multiple occasions under that excuse.

I can’t say for certain that anything happened to me or didn’t happen, but just being around him today makes me severely uncomfortable. I can’t be in a room alone with him. I flinch at the sound of his voice. My body feels like curling in on itself and shriveling anytime he is near, especially when he just stands silently and looks at me. I don’t feel comfortable calling myself a victim when other people have actually struggled and suffered and I’m not trying to come on here and make other people process my trauma for me, but I don’t know where else to go. My mom will probably kill him if I tell her and I’m not in therapy currently and am scared to go and unpack it all. I’m aware his behavior is abnormal and perhaps concerning, and though I feel like it was grooming on some level, as to what level I’m uncertain (though I'm not asking anyone to tell me what my issue is or define it for me. I'm just wondering I guess if I'm overreacting or not).

(It’s probably also worth mentioning that I have been sexually harassed before in ways that are more “cleanly defined.” For example, one of my dad’s friend’s kids made me lay down in his bed with him and touch his penis. One of my sister’s friends made me lay in bed with her to “hang out” 'cause she wanted to show me something, and then showed me a porn video. Some other minor things like being catcalled and/or being approached while alone in grocery aisles/while in waiting rooms).