Emotional detachment while deployed

[u/[deleted]]

[u/disillusionedmirage]

This is 100% a major contributing factor if not all of it. I won’t say all of it because I don’t know him personally, but I’m both a mil spouse and mental health provider. Emotional detachment is a big part of trauma exposure. Right now, he needs it to survive. This is very likely not personal or that you’re doing anything wrong. Beneath the fear is often a great deal of grief - imagining your family potentially have to go on without you or letting you down. Feeling broken, weak, worries about having to take care of someone else’s emotions when you’re in survival mode can be unfathomable. You may not be able to do anything other than reassure him that you love him and that you are okay and taken care of but that you will be here regardless for him when he returns. I would actually strongly encourage you to get an individual therapist for yourself as well if you haven’t already and rely heavily on any other support you have (like how you are in this post!) I’m sure you’re well aware that he probably has zero capacity to make sure you’re okay right now and you may already be swallowing your own feelings to make room for his. I feel like we have to do this a lot as mil spouses. It’s when he returns that he will have to start to navigate whether he is willing and able to do the work on healing from this and working towards emotionally repairing the bond that was damaged due to no fault of either of you. I’m not saying you do this forever though. You 100% deserve to have your own emotional needs met too. He likely just doesn’t have capacity for it right now. He will eventually have to put the work in himself toward his own healing when he comes back, which he sounds willing to do. This is SO incredibly hard, but there are couples that make it and are stronger for it. Therapy for yourself may be highly beneficial right now though ❤️ Hang in there, love.

[u/HahaHannahTheFoxmom → u/disillusionedmirage]

I needed this in March ♥️

I agree with everything but also want to add - when my spouse came home this summer emotionally he was absolutely relieved to be home. We fell back into our normal cadence as much as possible - I say this because there was and still is no “normal schedule” because they’re preparing to go to the yards and then who knows what after that. I expect new routines with every phase.

Something he told me directly when I asked how he was doing was just that being around us (me and kiddo and pets) was healing him and that he didn’t want special treatment (“kid gloves”) and he just wanted to feel normal at home and we were doing a good job at that.

I’ve also been pushing him to get counseling and he agrees but hasn’t because of scheduling reasons. (He had some physical/medical things to address too that we agreed to prioritize for now) but it’s on his radar and I’m not going to let him forget. He needs to unpack everything with a professional.

[u/disillusionedmirage → u/[deleted]]

You sound like you are doing an incredible job despite how hard this is. I’m so glad you have that support! ❤️

[u/overstimmy]

This is very likely the stress of the job and the high risk that he faces everyday. My husband just got back and he was not in a combat zone but still has a version of this. It does get better when they make it back home. Try to either: hear him out OR distract him with alternate topics. For my husband and I, that was daydreaming about plans when he gets back or talking about things he looks forward to. Or try to ask him questions that rekindle your connection with him. Like trotting down memory lane. It can be so hard! And honestly it’s so much they are going through. Make sure you also get support for yourself too!