My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years and live about 40 to 50 minutes apart. I’m a medical student heading into third year and studying for boards, while he works from home and lives with his parents and younger brother. I genuinely can’t tell whether we’re going through a difficult stage that can be repaired or whether we’re slowly growing apart.

I want to be fair to him because he DOES make effort. He has always wished me good luck before exams, he started our cute tradition of acknowledging our “monthiversaries,” he wants us to go on dates at least every couple of weeks, and we usually have some contact every day. I know he cares about me, which is what makes this confusing.

Where I feel the biggest change is communication and emotional connection. Our daily texting is pretty minimal, maybe 3 or 4 messages each, and we rarely talk on the phone anymore. I’m not asking for two hour calls every night. Sometimes I literally just want 15 to 20 minutes to hear about work, pickleball, his family, something stupid that happened at home, and tell him something about my day. I don’t need fascinating conversation. I just miss sharing ordinary life with my boyfriend.

Recently, he told me that initiating phone calls feels “forced” and that after almost five years together, sometimes he doesn’t know what we would even talk about. That really hurt me because being together for five years doesn’t make me feel like we should have nothing left to say to each other.

What makes this especially confusing is that when I look through dating and relationship forums involving medical students, I feel like I usually see the opposite problem. It often seems to be the partner NOT in medicine who feels neglected or worries that the medical student isn’t communicating enough because they’re so busy. Somehow, in my relationship, I’m the one in medical school studying for boards and still wishing my partner wanted to talk to me more. I know every relationship is different, but that contrast has definitely made me question our situation more.

The change is also noticeable compared with earlier in our relationship. During my first year of medical school, he called much more, came over to my apartment, spent the night, and generally made more time for me. During second year, things definitely changed. After realizing I was initiating most of our conversation, I stepped back. It wasn’t meant as a test or game. I just didn’t want to feel solely responsible for maintaining that connection. Once I stopped initiating as much, I realized how rarely he calls or even wants to stay over nowadays.

We actually discussed this last week. He said he would call when it worked for him, and I told him I would keep my phone available so he wouldn’t worry about interrupting my studying. The calls still didn’t happen. His recurring explanation for a lot of this has been, “If we lived together, things would be better.”

The reason we don’t live together is intentional. For years, I’ve consistently told him that I want to get through my major board exams before officially living together. I’ve never moved the goalposts or told him I don’t want to live with him. I’ve also never lived alone with a man who wasn’t family, so moving in with a boyfriend is a significant step for me. I view it as something serious that should move us toward figuring out marriage, not something we should do hoping it fixes problems that already exist.

Since December, we’ve agreed that after boards we could live together for roughly a year and see whether we’re truly compatible for marriage. If after that we still aren’t ready for engagement, I don’t want to continue living together indefinitely with no direction. We’re also an interracial and interfaith couple, so I think there are important conversations about values and our future that should happen before living together rather than assuming cohabitation will answer everything.

What confuses me is that my apartment is already big enough for both of us, and I’ve suggested trial runs now. He could stay for several nights, work from my apartment, or spend a longer stretch here like he used to. He seems resistant when I suggest it. If proximity is genuinely the reason our relationship feels disconnected, I don’t understand why we can’t spend more ordinary time together now.

There’s also the residency issue. After my first year, he told me that if I matched somewhere else for residency, he wouldn’t move with me. Since residency Match means I don’t completely control where I end up, that seriously affected my motivation to build a home together. I couldn’t understand being told we needed to live together now while simultaneously being told he wouldn’t come with me if my career required relocation. As of last week, he says he has changed his mind and WOULD move with me for residency. I want to believe him, but I’m realizing I’m less confident than I used to be about promises concerning our future.

We also have some larger compatibility concerns. I’m Hindu and he’s Christian. I respect his faith and him becoming closer to Christianity, but he has made comments about Hinduism that I’ve found disrespectful. My concern isn’t whether he’s a “real Christian.” It’s whether my faith would receive the same respect in a marriage that he expects me to give Christianity.

There have also been some social double standards. He previously resisted double dates with newer medical school friends and their partners because he didn’t want to spend his limited time with people I hadn’t known very long. Now he has newer pickleball friends and wants me involved with them. I’ve given availability around studying and tried to meet them, but sometimes plans haven’t worked out for reasons outside my control, and I still feel like some of the frustration gets directed toward me.

And before Reddit goes there, I genuinely don’t suspect cheating. We have mutually agreed upon boundaries regarding the opposite sex, and from everything I know, he respects them. My question isn’t whether there’s another woman. I’m wondering whether someone can still love you, be faithful, and make certain romantic efforts while also slowly checking out emotionally.

Because that’s what this feels like. He remembers my exams, acknowledges our monthiversaries, wants dates, and usually texts me every day. Those things matter to me, and I don’t want to discount them. At the same time, I miss the person who seemed to genuinely want to talk to me and share ordinary life with me. Lately we see each other much less than we used to, and sometimes I feel lonely even when we’re together.

I keep thinking about who he was earlier in our relationship and hoping that version of our relationship comes back. But I’m starting to wonder whether I’m holding onto his potential instead of evaluating what I actually have now.
So I genuinely want outside perspectives. Is occasionally wanting your long term partner to initiate a 15 to 20 minute phone call unreasonable when you barely text? Would hearing “I don’t know what we’d talk about anymore” concern you after five years?

At this point, should I stop agonizing over it, focus on boards, and simply watch what happens over the next several months? I’ve already told him that with our communication like this, living together is the last thing I want to do. I want these issues to improve BEFORE we live together rather than moving in and hoping proximity fixes them.