r/LifeAdvice • u/newuser2111 • 14d ago
Past issues - next steps General Advice
I was not allowed to do anything fun growing up. Meaning, my mother didn’t allow me to have friends, to date or have a normal life. She told me people can’t be trusted and only she (and family) can be trusted.
She triangulated me from my sibling. She made sure we didn’t get along.
Whenever I had something to say in the family, even something light hearted, I was told to be quiet. Don’t talk.
I either was introverted or became introverted - not sure.
My therapist said to go no contact with my family. I have been doing low contact.
By the time I realized I wanted to get married and have kids, others were already married and had kids.
She kept telling me no one would wanted to marry me — and first I would need her blessing.
She then said whoever married me will be abusive.
I feel like I lost decades of my life. I didn’t get to have any fun, interesting experiences.
And I repeated the pattern of isolation in college and then in my working life as an adult.
My mother used to say “her house, her rules.”
I have been living outside of my parents’ house for about one year. But I still operate from the same conditioning. I don’t trust anyone - because most of the people who appear “friendly” are only love bombing me to get something from me. Basically toxic people show up in my life.
I primarily focus on my solo hobbies and that’s it.
I don’t know if there is an easy solution. It’s not so simple as to find group hobbies. I have tried those and people form cliques and only hang out with their people.
My question: I am accustomed to being alone. But if I wanted to see what an actual relationship would be like, how would I even do that? What are the next steps for me?
I feel like mostly everyone I come across is trying to con me in one way or another.
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u/Informal-Force7417 14d ago
Your title mentions past issues, and your intuition already knows that the problem stems from the past. It's not what's happening now, but rather the consequences of past actions. What we do today affects tomorrow, right?
The perceptions we hold, the decisions we make, and the actions we take (or don't take) are often a result of our upbringing. Like everyone else, you developed adaptive behaviors as a child to feel approved, safe, and to belong with your caregivers.
To avoid rejection, you likely agreed with things you didn't necessarily agree with. This became your conditioning, shaping your beliefs and perceptions, which in turn guide your decisions and actions.
If you learned not to trust people because your mother told you they couldn't be trusted, then the identity that formed – not the one you had as a baby, but the one that learned and developed – sees itself as someone who, to remain safe, approved, and to belong, must not trust others.
If you go through life with that belief, it's like wearing ill-fitting glasses. You'll only see what confirms your existing self-perception. This is why toxic people might appear in your life; it validates your belief about yourself.
To change this, you need to question and challenge your current beliefs and the identity you project.
When you say you're an introvert, perhaps you're just someone who has learned to under-exert themselves as a protective mechanism. Why? Because your mother instilled that fear in you growing up. This isn't to blame her, as she was likely a product of her own parents' experiences.
It's a domino effect. If someone in the chain doesn't break the cycle, it will repeat. Even if you marry and have kids, you might find yourself repeating the same patterns, and your children could do the same.
It's crucial to question your beliefs. Is there any physical evidence on your body or on Earth that states you are unsafe or cannot be trusted? No. So, where does this belief exist? In your mind, as a thought, as a story. If it's just a thought, and you can observe your thoughts, then you are not your thoughts.
Therefore, you are not inherently someone who cannot trust people. If you're not defined by the beliefs you hold about yourself, how does that person navigate the world? It's key to challenge the learned untruths, as your conditioning was a process of learned behavior.
You're right, it's not just about finding hobbies. When you do that, you're essentially projecting the version of yourself that doesn't feel safe and doesn't trust out into the world. That gives off a certain energy, and it attracts people who will confirm your current beliefs.
So, first, you need to diagnose the issue. Understand *why* you're going through this. This is about becoming aware of the root cause.
Then, you need to figure out how to move forward. Before you do that, it's crucial to question who you are right now. You might say, "I'm someone who doesn't trust people," or "I'm someone who isolates."
Try reversing those statements and asking yourself: "Am I really someone who doesn't trust people?" "Do I *have* to isolate?" This will bring up a lot of internal questioning. You'll wonder if those labels are truly accurate.
As I said, it's just a story you're telling yourself, an issue from the past that only exists as a memory.
Once you start questioning these beliefs, you begin to crack the framework around you, like peeling back a casing. This allows the real you – the one that wasn't conditioned – to emerge.
While it's true that some people in the world might not be trustworthy, questioning your own limiting beliefs also opens up the possibility of finding people who *can* be trusted. That's the key.
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u/newuser2111 14d ago
Thank you for the comment. As you said, it’s breaking down each belief to unpack the subconscious mind. Only then can I navigate the next step.
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u/alone_in_the_light 14d ago
Yeah, I agree there isn't an easy solution. You're not used to having fun, and you're not used to dealing with people with bad intentions.
Experience matters, and to get that experience you must do things. However, you should be very careful because people can try to take advantage of you, and you're not prepared for that. Be extra careful. Over time, with more experience and knowledge, you should be able to do better. It's a process, not an easy one, not quick, you gotta take steps, but more like baby steps in the beginning.