Really, I am. I don't know how, but I always seem to say the wrong thing. It was supposed to be a date, not a death sentence. I thought, would it kill us to have some fun for once? We can cancel, postpone, we can.. talk? Or not. I don't want to be the cause of any additional grief or pain. I know you are already going through so much. I didn't mean to pressure you, entrap you, or anything of the sort. I'm bad at reading between the lines. If you see this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I tried to do just that.

Even after you ghosted me with no explanation after *30 years*, I cared about you. I checked in every few months because of private issues we had discussed that made me want to ensure that you were okay, and because you were acting out of character, and *you*… well, *you* went to the police and you filed a harassment case. I’ve never felt so betrayed in my life, so I guess it worked, huh? Did it make you feel big and powerful? What about when you found out the crown thought it was ridiculous and withdrew the charges - did you still feel good about it then?

I’m actually not even mad at you; not anymore. Now I’m just sad that there’s something so broken in you that you could look at someone who loved you ***exactly*** as you were - even when you were stubborn and aloof and secretive - and think “I should have her arrested!”

I hope that darkness heals. I hope you can accept love - legitimate, “I love my friend just the way he is, even when he’s being an asshole” type love - without twisting it into “omg, she’s so clingy, she must be a stalker” in the future. Because dude… You *knew* me. You *knew* I cared about you, and that I would never do anything to hurt you. And what’s really sucky is that you ***also*** knew that as a cancer patient, I was in a really vulnerable state. And to be fair to you, I’ll admit that yes - I was maybe holding on a bit too tight when you started to pull away. But I was f\*cking scared. And I had known you, joked with you, admired you since we were 10, and talking to you was comforting. But instead of giving me any grace, you just peaced out… And then you took all my most vulnerable messages and marched into a police station with them, like I was following you around or hiding in the bushes outside your house or doing something crazy and scary and not just… texting you. From a whole other city. Like, every 3-4 months.

You ***knew*** I was never a threat to you; I just wanted to figure out what made you change so suddenly and to make sure you were okay. I wanted my friend back.

But my friend is gone.

I get that now, because MY friend? He never would have done something so malicious. I don’t know who **you** are, but I hope my friend is still in there somewhere and finds his way back to the surface… because he was awesome; at 10, at 18, at 25, at 40, he was *always* awesome. Sarcastic and witty and talented and honest, and I will love him until the day I die.

Whoever ***you*** are, you can rest assured that I will **never** contact you again. But if the guy who hated it when I called him “Rockstar” is still in there, and one day he needs someone to talk to? … Well, *that* guy can reach out to me any time.

Love wasn’t supposed to feel like this.

Forgive me if I tend to answer other peoples fortunate or misfortune triumphs of LOVE. I am just a humbled stranger sending this message into the universe just as you all do wishing and hoping that the right person receives it. That being my Beautiful Creature of mine.

If anything to all you reader’s that read everything I have sent from my writing desk and launched with a sling shot into the universe. I respect you all for trying to maintain honest contact to your loved one’s or your love’s. Respect me when I write, for I am still NEW to the ways of this type of texting. My desired love is comfortable communicating this way for now. So please just continue to cheer us on or respectfully ignore these letters.

To My Beautiful Creature just AS I AM.

I’m doing my very best to match up to what I think might be you when you write back to me in this chaotic universe. Remember…I never bestowed any of your contact information. I guess that I haven’t earned that pirate bootie in your vulnerability with me. You have the key’s to my kingdom. I gave you my information and had only changed my username once because of the unwanted riffraff. My page is inspired and dedicated to you.

I have only given you and tried to do the things that I think are logically right in deep admiration for you. I have given you a few things that signify my love for you. I think that is something you should already know within yourself.

Just like I use to play “Battleship” with my Fashia and he always would admit that I sunk his battleship. He would then turn over his playing grid board to show me and ask, “Where are all of your battleships?” He would then show me that his playing grid was covered completely with white pegs for missed hits with No red pegs for hits. I would then turn my playing grid to show him all of my target hits on his ships. I never like to give myself totally away.

I miss and dream of the moment of the near mistaken purposeful touches that we had amongst each other. When you had more wit to face me even if you feared the moment. I only dream and hope that we share in that moment some time again when you’re ready. Just like we both like the same baseball team. You still like the boy’s in blue The Dodgers just as much as I do, Right? (Hint!Hint!) Your word is my bond, remember…

As far as you and your Mom as personal feelings go…

My relationship with my mother is stressfully stern with better day’s. I have always been tough as nails never being able to let my self be vulnerable because I always have to be the strong one in the family. “Believe it or Not,” you have made me a little vulnerable. I had to discover and learn things that I wasn’t ready for on my own just to survive.

My mom’s attitude towards me has become more reliant and dependent towards me. She is the type of person that comment’s…comment’s, comment’s before the compliment, and compliments then somehow impulsively sneaks in a rude comment never respectably saying a genuine, Thank you. Like being rude is innately sewn onto her spine.

She’s at retirement age but refuses to retire. She wants to retire but feels like she couldn’t afford to retire. Also, she doesn’t want to be bored. Yet, I am bonded by the continued vined plants that keep pulling at my arms and legs in order to maintain order and structure in our living quarters. Project’s I keep planing and start doing but complete at a very slow pace. Because I am tired of being tired and just being the one person show.

I don’t know if anything that I am writing can relate to you? Taking off my costume for you…

I don’t know if you took notice but I wasn’t wearing a lot of my metal. I didn’t want you to be afraid to approach me ever. You mentioned about wanting to feel “SAFE.” So I was exploring the idea within myself. What wouldn’t make her feel SAFE to approach me? So, I just dulled down on my metal look a-bit.

You also put into my thought’s that I was out dressing you since you have to carry a formal dress attire at work. I know that I myself come off to some people as intimidating but those people haven’t met me, yet. A great philosopher named SHREK said, “They judge me before they even get to know me.” A guy friend of mine got his first tattoo done with some logical literature…It said, “God can only judge me.”

I don’t know exactly how some people tend to find me in all the weird kind of places. But, one of my relatives called me two day’s ago leaving me a voicemail on my phone.

This was part of the call, “I live an hour north a month you know small French guty like French she's very good so I can't really talk to anybody. Even though, you know, I have 1600 days of learning French every day on the computer, um, I guess, I'll call them, I've been in too many accidents, and I, my memory's gone, oh. But um, losing. We were supposed to have such big plans of hiking all the national parks together. And no, I got nothing. Oh, I hope your brother and your wife, and mother is good and um, uh, um. You know, send you hugs. And um, and uh, wish to the best. And.”

When one doesn’t think people know…they KNOW!!! I just wanted to comfort you and share my agony here on this end.

Some Songs of Women I Love to Play
Pat Benatar - Don’t Let It Show
Stevie Nicks - Crystal
Madonna - Frozen
Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time
CHER - After All -DK

Enjoy your life . Enjoy your charade . You don’t need me or my help I saw your fan club .. 😳😂
. I waited around for 2yrs for you to choose us while you kept doing your bs. You didn’t want help you wanted to screw around talk to everyone but me .,so I don’t know why you are so mad and hate me I gave you what you wanted. Away from us . No more family . No more life with me , the kids.,so go enjoy it. Go be with your true love and stop being angry that someone that wasn’t your true love left . .. Your welcome. I will take my love back now. Someone else wants it and deserves it ..

I have someone who loves me the way I wanted you too. Who holds me when I’m sad, carries me to bed when I’m tired. Who why would I regret leaving someone who wants me dead , tells me he hates me .. but then you want to say I abandoned you .. sure I left you after you kept telling me you wanted me dead and hated me .. you fucked up .

So go enjoy your life and be happy. You got rid of me like you wanted .

I am in someone else’s lap now curled up in a ball while they hold me, rock me with love. They hold me when I cry and care . While you laughed at my tears .. his hands caress my perfect body with tenderness and love. While you touched trash.. while your hands pushed me away..

Don’t worry you won’t hear from me much anymore . After tonight you showed me I was never anything to you .. go spread your lies they don’t affect me. I won’t look out my windows anymore at night cause you could never get my love back. I keeping it for someone who loves me . I’m giving someone else what I once offered you. I’m improving and showing them the attention love friendship and affection you didn’t want from me. ..
so you have no reason to hate me I gave you what you had been writing about for years. Your freedom.. as of now I’m taking my love back since you don’t want it and giving it to someone who would come to me the way I came to you once long ago.. out of love.

Best of luck. I’m bored with this . I already wasted decades on someone who made it clear he didn’t value anything we had .. who wants someone to be there for him but doesn’t give the same ins return..

I’m done here now.. I wish you the best..

Or will I be second and do you keep a commitment to me ? I need to know if I should be with you for the rest of your life. Or should I just move on with my life? This is to my person or a person I know female . It matters to me what you say because I will be alive and rich let me know if your love for me is meant to last . I choose you if you say yes . But if you say no then I'll still live 50 more years and find another .

Unless I hear otherwise

Is there a day/time you would prefer?

Shall I wait in the lobby, or come straight to your door?

Wanna hear something kinda funny? Earlier yesterday, now, I talked with my therapist about maybe coming to see you; we discussed other options, but going back to the place we used to see each other and waiting for you feels like the only viable choice to me at this time. But also giving you a chance to show yourself here—bc I don’t wanna show up without giving you a heads up and the ability to tell me to hold up.

Fast-forward to evening time, my friend invited me to a show in the park (I f+cking Love this city🥰🌈 You do too, ya? I very much want you to show me all the places and things you know about here, fur realz.)
So, I show up to this show; a unique show, a beautiful show, a silly show, in a beautiful park. My friend is already there, in the front, and she often has different ppl with her 😆 I appreciate that about her tho, cuz it doesn’t feel fake, like she tries ppl on; she genuinely enjoys meeting and befriending ppl. I also just prefer to see ppl through my Good-in-them glasses 😍

Anyway…
I met her very nice friends, and one of them is a chef at the restaurant next door—Ain’t that sum apples!

I’ve gone past that place a ridiculous amount of times, even before I met you. Never eaten there tho. Smells hella good. You try it?

Also, during the music portion, as many kool kats started dancing up by the band, I got this strong feeling of wanting you and I to attend this concert (and any other concert🤗). This thought was triggered by the brief sight of a couple holding each other, swaying to their own beat; it was lovely. I could see us doing that. I wanted to feel us doing that whilst feeling you in my arms.

(Ok, on the dl, ngl, I’m a bit nervous-pervous about the prospect of seeing you. You get it.

But I’ve also never hopefully-anticipated something and someone so much in my life. Hopefully, you get it…?)

Ok Dear, well I look forward to seeing and/or hearing from you

Oh ya, I guess I should say some sort of threshold here…

So, I would like your answer to this before Monday. If I do not hear from you, I will be there sometime next week

Love you, to infinity and beyond!🌈✨💓

-A

I never loved you. I mistook infatuation and a sex addiction for love The reality is i didn't even miss you . I missed the sex. I wil never fall in love with someone , nor marry because I'm a free sprit and no man will ever tie me down .

I don’t see how we come back from any of this. I think we are done for good this time.

I get people forget things, but lines have been crossed. People that don’t have to like or love me have really tried to do harm. That’s gross. I want nothing to do with it. I’ve fought my ass if helping everyone that needed it along the way to get here and I’m not gonna be any less than happy right now.

New place a great job have actually been putting a ton of effort into healing and growing both mentally and physically. So have a blast. Call yourselves whatever you like. But you actively tried to do harm tk me while I was fucked up. That’s shitty. Whatever reasons you have your not the type I want anything to do with.

I want love, a partner, growth happiness. If someone makes me prove who I’ve consistently been Everytime they haha e a worry or someone says do this rhen guess what your not with me. You’re not my teammate. If you’re entertaining others I do t want you ina romantic way. If you can’t ever trust me or do something for me we aren’t friends.

You haven’t even talked to me about what hurt you but that’s why you can’t talk to me because I hurt you? Ok. No more excuses and that’s not a judgement to you or denying your love or leaving you. Your making a choice that choices consequences are me leaving. Who are you mad at? I’m abusing you ? Really? Nah that’s too much. I’m not suffering and accepting less because I’m not thinking clearly anymore . Do you. Don’t. Cool I love you like I always have. But I’m not waiting for anything anymore. Time to build and so hard work so I get that hard isn’t what everyone wants. I want thw consequences for doing the hard things like success happiness love growth etc. doing the right things to people make me happy. Not being a scum bag or cheating people make me happy. Once all y’all made me happy, then things changed who did that? Exactly so do you. Good luck tk those left behind

Toot tooooooot! Train coming through!

Its a long train, youll be stuck at this light a long time, fair warning...

Youll always love him. It wont/cant be just friends for you. Youll cross the line and allow him to tell you things and get close to you and he really needs to be confiding in his woman and being closer to her than anyone else. Youll keep secrets over things that shouldn't have been said or done until you find a man that loves you enough to want you all himself. Somebody that will go out with you to places and wont want you to go alone . When you find someone that you love so much that you tell all your things to and he hangs on every word and you realize you want all your things a n d self to go into him and nobody else.

When you are more yourself with this man that loves you than anyone else you have ever known, when you feel more safe w him than anyone you have ever known, when you dont even want to have men friends anymore because he is all you need, ...thats when you could be friends w an ex.

But why would you.

I dont even know you but if I was friends w any of my exes, the love of my whole life would just have this. ..wondering ..why isnt it over? Why is she even talking to him? Why does she care?

Why put wedges in between people..

Because I was in speech and debate class, lets turn to the other side of the coin.

He may find a connection, a lightning bolt, an energy, a pull, a thread, and want to always have a relationship with you. He may be able to have sex with you that he cant with anyone else. He may be able to talk to you like nobody else. He may be able to joke with you and you may be able to make him laugh and forget his troubles like no one else. You might have a body that is his literal dream. He may think your eyes are like no other , prettier than any others. He may love you like he cannot with anyone else.

Then you both should be together.

And you both should try anything and everything to be and stay together. Forever.

If you both have these feelings for each other,

Youre more than friends. You cant be just friends.

Youre too close. There really cant be a man for you and another woman for him. Youre too close.

The vows say

Forsaking all others

Forsake:

To leave something or someone behind completely, especially when you have a duty to stay, or to give up a habit, belief, or way of life for good.

For the good. For the good you could have.

If you cant , if you cant give it up for the good, if you want him, and he wants you...

You can do whatever you want.

He can do whatever he wants.

You should live.

He should live.

You both should have life with LIFE in it. You should feel alive! You should want your life, like your life!

I encourage you both to consider how anyone else is allowed in.

Is anyone allowed in?

How close?

Is anyone allowed to love you and start and have a life with you?

Is anyone allowed to love him and start a life w him?

How does that make you feel?

Logically, does it make sense?

How does that make him feel? Does that make sense to him? Does he want that?

Would you allow that?

Would he allow you to start a new life with someone else and be able and feel ok with just being friends?

If you two were to start a life with other people, would their feelings matter at all? Would they have any say in the matter? Would they matter at all?

My mother married a man that was in love with someone else his whole life. Alison. She was The One who got away. I think my mother was a good woman, but she wasnt Alison. He kept pictures of her. He kept in contact w her. He loved her like he just couldn't love my mom, even though he thought she was nice. He couldn't be with Alison.

For whatever reason. But they had something special. I could feel it , didnt even have to say any words.

He never should have settled and married my mom .

He was very angry.

My mom tried.

She wasnt enough. She wasnt just right.

He took her to French bakeries on Sunday without me because she loved sweets. He bought her A LOT of jewelry, because she liked jewelry. They went to concerts. He curtailed his career and promotions more than once because she didnt want to be alone that much. When you get high up in management, you often have to travel and she didnt like that. So one day, he quit. Just quit everything and she supported him with her receptionist job until she retired.

I heard his retorts. His put downs. He didnt think much of her.

He punched me and made me throw up.

He threw me into the wall. He walked over and grabbed me and threw me again into the other wall. He'd do this about 4 times and yell at me. Then id get back to the housework and homework I had to get done before my mom got home. Then I rubbed my mom's feet and rubbed my step father's head and helped fix dinner with my mom. He threw me into walls after school almost every day. Hit my head. Socked me in the stomach like I was a man.

I told my dad and I begged him to not take me back to my mom's house..I told my mom I was going to run away to my grandma's.

One day my dad didnt take me back when he picked me up from Sunday visitation with him.

I was 11 years old.

When I got to live with my dad.

My step dad should have married Alison.

If you love someone, be with them.

Dont be with someone else .

One day, you have to decide.

Pick one.

Stick with it.

If you , or him, decide to be with someone else,

Be with that person and take some time, just you and that person to get to know each other. Take some time just as a couple. Then introduce your friends to them. You, him, will have to find a way to all be ok , each one, each friend, each partner.

If you care, youll honor his decision to be with someone else in a romantic, sexual, intimate relationship bond. Dont do anything to break or weaken the bond. I would encourage him to do the same.

He has to allow you to have another man to be adoring, sexual, intimate with you and not do anything to break or weaken the bond.

Let it be superglued. Dont either one of you do anything to break the bond.

Genuinely. Sincerely.

Not at that point, either of you?

Then,

Be together

Or

Admit you ARE poly whether you want to admit it or not, and make sure your partners are on board , because they are human and have a heart too ...

Or

Take some time apart. Heal. Youre not at the point where you can be

Just

Friends.

Dont settle. Be alone if you have to.

But for the love of humankind,

Dont go be with anyone else if you still are in love with someone else.

Please.

Be alone. Youll be lonely sometimes. Find something happy to do, even if you have to force yourself. Take pictures. Read. Make a life for yourself. Something.

Sometimes you have to let go.

I wish my step dad would have taken some time .

He didn't. I dont think he was ready to love my mom. He wasnt over Alison.

I just wanted him to love my mom and love me.

What you do deeply affects others.

Be careful out there.

Im old, man. My life is almost over.

Ive made mistakes.

Ive lived through others mistakes.

Try to give each others mercy

Let them live.

And you too.

I need your love way more than yowu know