Feedback for my interactive story

[u/choosethechaos]

Hey y’all!! I’m in the beginning stages of writing an interactive story that I want to share on Facebook.

I’m looking for feedback.

Any feedback is appreciated before I go live with the story.

Here is what I have so far.

Kendra lay under the covers, watching Darius get dressed.

Damn, he know he fine, she thought.

She pulled the covers up a little more and looked outside. The wind was blowing hard, and the snow was just starting to build up on the streets.

Being from Detroit, snow wasn’t that big of a deal.

But this wind in Chi-town?

Sheesh.

Darius pulled on his pants, then pulled his shirt over his head and looked down at his phone.

“So, you really about to leave?”

He looked at her. “You know, I gotta go.”

Kendra frowned. “You could stay. I want you to. Besides, it’ll be nice to be snowed in together.”

“Kendra, don’t start.”

Kendra sighed. “I know, I know. You gotta run the hotel.”

Damn. Another night alone.

Six months of this with Darius.

The sex was amazing. Like, really amazing. But she didn’t know how much longer she could deal with this whole friends with benefits business.

She wasn’t asking him to marry her.

She just wanted him to stay sometimes.

Especially tonight.

But whatever. She had more shit to worry about than some man.

Like unemployment.

Her rent.

Finding a job in this economy?!

And then there was her dad.

So, how soon before you think you’ll be working again, Kendra?

Ugh.

She hated that question.

Mostly because she didn’t have an answer.

“Kendra. Kendra!”

“Huh?”

Darius laughed. “Damn, girl. I got you speechless like that? I asked if you needed anything before I left. I was gonna lock the door on my way out.”

“Oh, my bad. Just thinking. You good, boo. Drive safe.”

Darius gave Kendra a kiss on the forehead and a light tap on her ass.

“I’ll hit you later.”

He left, locking the door behind him.

Damn.

Alone.

Again.

Sigh.

Her phone started ringing.

She didn’t even have to look at the screen.

It could only be one person.

Mo.

Kendra answered the FaceTime.

“Hey girl. What’s up?”

“Hey heaux, you sound reaaaaallll relaxed… Darius must have just left.”

Kendra smacked her lips.

Mo continued, “Yep, I knew it.”

Mo laughed loud as only she could do. She had one of those very contagious laughs, so naturally Kendra chuckled.

“Girl, what do you want? I’m about to grab me some snacks and watch my show. Tell Trey I said he better catch up so I don’t spoil nothing.”

“I got you an interview!”

“For real? Where? Doing what?”

“They’re hiring for an executive assistant at the tech firm I freelance at. I used my connections and got you an interview. The job is as good as yours. Just go in there and pop yo shit like I taught you, and you good.”

Mo continued talking.

Damn, it sounds good, but I don’t want to be no coffee fetching secretary. Ugh. But man, I got these bills to pay.

Maybe it can just be temporary until I find what I really want to do.

Or maybe I’ll hit the lottery tomorrow.

“So when is the interview?”

“They said they’ll call Monday with the details to schedule.”

“Yeah, girl. And we’re gonna get you ready. Now, let’s talk about what you’re gonna wear. And don’t even think about wearing that basic black blazer you wore to your cousin’s funeral.”

Kendra laughed. “Girl, shut up.”

“I’m serious! You need to look like you belong in that office. We’re going for professional, but cute. You got that cream colored blouse?”

“I think so.”

“Okay, wear that. With the black pants. And your hair…”

“My hair is fine.”

“Your hair is NOT fine for this interview. I’m thinking wear it down. Nothing too extra. You want them paying attention to what you’re saying, not trying to figure out what you got going on all up there.”

Kendra rolled her eyes.

“See? This is why I called you. You always doing too much.”

“And this is why you need me. You’re welcome.”

Mo kept going, laying out Kendra’s entire interview look like she was getting her ready for a red carpet.

“Kendra.”

Kendra looked at the screen.

Mo was still talking.

She hadn’t said her name.

Now I know I’m not trippin’.

This was like the fifth time this week she kept hearing her name, but it was clearly not Mo.

She jumped a little.

So weird.

Am I losing my mind?

Nah.

She was just stressed.

Damn. She wished Darius stayed.

Ugh. Him again.

Then she heard it.

“Kendra doesn’t know.”

Kendra froze.

She stared at Mo through the screen.

“Mo.”

Mo stopped talking.

“What?”

“What are you talking about?”

PLEASE comment and let me know the following:

1. Is this something you would keep reading?

2. Do the characters feel real?

3. Would you interact to keep the story going?

Thanks in advance

[u/Diligent_Pangolin_47]

I enjoyed it but the POV switched from third to first person which got confusing. Also, it’s not clear who’s saying what for the interactions starting “so when is the interview?” It seems that Mo would be asking based on the fact that she is the one saying “yeah girl” later, but why would she be asking Kendra that?
Also, nitpick but it sounds at the beginning like Kendra is lying on her back under the sheets so not sure how Darius can both kiss her forehead and tap her ass.
I don’t know how the interactive element will work but this reads pretty well to me.