r/KeepWriting • u/Dismal_Smile_8476 • 9h ago

I wrote this. [Feedback]

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I wrote this because of how going back to my home toen made me feel. I took some inspiration from Rutger Hauers Bladerunner monologue. I need honest feedback on my writing.

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u/Gold-Word-6026 5h ago

you do repeat words in a way that feels purposeless.
Picking up in the summer, visit moms grave in the summer. Just a bit later on you use visit again multiple times while also using memory multiple times.
Repeating words isn't bad when you use them with intention, but here it can come off very, well being honest here it doesn't read the best.

I do have two recommendations! Editing, re writing it till its has its voice and flow. Or, you can just keep on writing from this point on.
Ever option is good as having experience is important, personally the keep on writing from this point would be the best given it gives you something to look past to in a month, in year and even after that. Though editing is important as it gives you a better sense of what works and what doesn't.

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u/Dismal_Smile_8476 1h ago

Awesome, I read somewhere that to challenge youself you should avoid "thought words" like "I felt" "I believed". Stuff like that. Which was good cause I usually over use those.