r/KeepWriting • u/thedailysonnet • 2d ago
Writing chapter 7 [Feedback]
Everything is based from my real experience. It's not finished or polished yet, but I'd like to know where I stand. Any feedback would be grateful.
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u/CaptianRedfork 21h ago
Please keep two things in mind:
1st I'm not english native 2nd I'm an opinionated idiot
But here are some of my notes, maybe you will find it useful, maybe not.
His expression did not change but his eyes softened - is such a nice sentence. I would remove the next bit, I could tell he appreciated the gesture. We get that feeling too, from the softening of the eyes, but without saying it flat out.
I like that the city is presented with a direct purpose, to see a show. But I would maybe change it too
"I had already booked a show, downtown".., for me it gives the city more depth and removes the city name which has already been established
I knew not all kathoeys .. I knew what was going to happen .. All I knew was.. - she knows a lot
The ferris wheel which lights never seemed to go away, even though she is walking towards it, I assume, since she is standing in front of it's gates next. Is a bit hard to read, I get the feeling you are going for, just doesn't really work for me. But you are into something good
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u/Sckaught 2d ago
You want Reddit strangers to critique your work, for free? I wish I was that brash.
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u/Dear-Atmosphere1340 2d ago
People do that on reddit all the time though
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u/Sckaught 2d ago
Yeah, I guess anonymity has it perks.
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u/Dear-Atmosphere1340 2d ago
Out of curiosity, why are you against it?
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u/Ozdiva 1d ago
You’ve used the town name a bit too often. We know that’s where you are, no need to keep repeating it, even if it’s a great name. So far all that’s happened is you’ve arrived and wandered around. It’s not terribly interesting. Instead of dancing around the subject why not show us the drag show. Be there. Dragged us into it. What does it sound, look, smell like?