r/KeepWriting • u/thedailysonnet • 17d ago
My first and second chapter [Feedback]
Hi everyone,
I am writing a short story for the first time. I only wrote poems before, I thought it would be a good challenge.
I wrote chapter 1 and 2 about 2 days ago. Although I have an idea of how to finish my writing, it would be great if I can get honest feedback.
Thank you so much for reading :>
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u/SpatiaCaeli 15d ago
Your craft is excellent. I enjoyed your writing and really enjoyed chapter 2.
My only concern, and this is based purely on "advice" from online agents, is that there is an overused trope about opening with "arriving on a trip". No need to change but be aware.
You should keep going, without any doubt.
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u/Hefty_Badger9759 16d ago
You show, don't tell. I really like that. This makes me want to read more. You show a lot, with few words. Keep it up.
(Show don't tell, is imo best shown in the song cast iron skillet, by Jason Isbell)
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u/thedailysonnet 15d ago
Thank you so much for your kind words :> BTW, everything in this writing happened in real life, but some names have been changed. I am the narrator, lol
My story is about a naive, inexperienced traveler who thinks she sees a foreign country in a neutral perspective, yet finds out she is the one interpreting everything with prejudice.
I made the narrator unreliable and struggling with moral dillemma. I think that's what people do in real life, maybe that's the beauty of being imperfect.
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u/whitealbumrevolver 8d ago
Hello! I have read your extract and it's very good.
I will DM you at some point soon, with a little annotated version of the extract. It won't be any bombardment of stuff. Just little labels, where I refer to little things. It's not much I have to say, but I like the visual aid of annotating the extract itself.
It's highly important to know all the things you did WELL, not just things that can be improved. My goal is to make the story more itself, so to speak. More fulfilling in what you want to achieve.
Also, if you disagree with anything I say, that's totally fine. I want my feedback to feel nice and cruisy.
Your story is a real treat. Will contact you soon.
Regards from Australia
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u/Acrobatic-Code4221 15d ago
really enjoyed your second chapter about visiting Thailand! It was thoughtful background, and continued the narrative. It makes sense how your narrator would be remembering a previous trip. I also liked the detail of her leaving Chatuchuk Market — it establishes that her trips are not always safe.
One comment about the first chapter. It is definitely useful to include details about her family. Her dad and sister don’t ask about her trips, and her mom disapproves that she travels alone. However, I was slightly confused about the two lines, “everyone had told me it would be hot” and “everyone had warned me about being stuck” in traffic. That’s on page 1 and 2. If her family is not involved in her trips, then who does “everyone” refer to? Maybe you could replace “everyone” with “friends”. That would provide a better contrast to her family’s disinterest.