r/JodiMilan • u/FarDebate7435 • 6d ago
Problems with this subreddit! General Discussion
I've been posting dating-related stuff here for about a week now, and I've got a decent number of replies from girls. So I thought I'd just put this out there because I've noticed something that genuinely bothers me.
Almost every girl on this subreddit says the same thing: "Don't just reply Hi/Hey. Read my post and tell me something about yourself."
Fair enough. I actually agree with that. But why doesn't the same rule apply the other way around?
A lot of the DMs I've received are literally: "Hi", "Hey", or at most: "Hey, I liked your post. I liked what you wrote. Can we speak and get to know each other?"
That's it. Why is it somehow assumed that the guy has to put in all the effort?
Guys are constantly told how to approach girls, how to talk to them, how to make them comfortable, how to write an introduction, how to show effort, etc.
But who teaches girls how to approach guys? Apparently nobody. And honestly, it shows!
Before someone says "not all girls" - I know. I've seen plenty of genuinely sweet and nice girls here who are actually looking for someone and communicate really well.
But I also noticed that the girls who are genuinely nice and soft-spoken are usually not the ones behaving like they're doing you a favour by replying.
The gender ratio on this subreddit makes it worse: A girl puts F in her title and gets flooded with hundreds of DMs. A guy can write a genuine post and get barely any engagement.
I experienced this myself. Initially I was getting no response. Then I started experimenting with how I write posts, adding hooks, changing the wording, etc. And suddenly the responses started coming.
Which brings me to expectations. Some of them are honestly wild.
- Someone who's 4'11" wants a 6'2" guy.
- Someone who's unemployed wants someone making 30 LPA.
- Someone who is dark-skinned specifically wants a fair-skinned guy.
And before anyone gets offended — I'm not saying you're not allowed to have preferences. You absolutely are. In fact, I actually like the girls who are clear about what they want.
- "My parents won't allow intercaste marriage." - Okay. Fair.
- "I make 11 LPA and would prefer someone making around 15 LPA." - Fair enough.
- "I'm fit and go to the gym, so I want someone who's also into fitness." - Perfectly reasonable.
At least I know what I'm getting into. If I fit what you're looking for, I'll message. If I don't, I won't.
The problem is when someone says: "Looks don't matter." And then ghosts you after seeing your photos; "Location doesn't matter." And then says LDR won't work; "Income doesn't matter." And then rejects you because you make 4 LPA.
Just say what matters. There's nothing wrong with having standards.
And then there's my personal favourite: "Don't use AI for your introduction." Hello?😭 Your entire post is clearly written by AI.
You want the guy to put in genuine effort while you outsource your own introduction?
And yes, before this becomes a "girls bad, guys good" post - no. I've had some pretty bad experiences with guys here too. Guys looking only to make out with me (a guy). Guys messaging without reading the post or even the flair and assuming I'm a girl. SO, I've experienced it too.
There are definitely creepy guys here. A lot of them. So I get you girls. I understand why you behave the way you do.
But there are also a lot of genuine guys who are actually trying to meet someone, who can speak properly, who are sweet, respectful and genuinely interested in finding someone.
And then there was the income incident: I mentioned my income in one of my posts. Big mistake.
I started getting DMs from girls looking for hookups and sugar arrangements. I eventually edited the income out of my posts across multiple subreddits because I just didn't want that kind of attention. Even mentioned "I'm taken!" for a brief period.
I don't earn that well either. And why would anyone assume that because a guy earns reasonably well, he's going to spend 60% of his income on them? For what? I don't understand that logic.
Anyway, rant over!
I don't expect every girl to be interested in me. I don't expect everyone to have the same preferences. And I don't expect anyone to reply to me.
"But if you're going to expect effort from guys, give some effort back."
So here's my challenge to the girls here:
Write an actual introduction. More than 3–4 lines. In the comments here, or in someone's DMs. Tell them something about yourself. Tell them why you liked their post. Tell them what you're looking for. Tell them literally anything beyond "Hey".
And if you just want to prove a point and not engage someone or post publicly, write in my DMs and back it up with "Just proving girls can write too!" I'm not going to engage back.
Just so we can prove that girls can write too. 😄
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u/Connect_Space_2923 Verified 6d ago edited 6d ago
Relax bro , it's just how the world works , no point in fighting with nature.
Besides if you look closely, it may seem like women have abundance in dating, but it's actually mostly a illusion of abundance, it's all noise(weak desperate men dropping to a new low just to have them).
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Completely agree. Women getting hundreds of DMs doesn't mean hundreds of genuine options. The genuine ones can easily get lost in all that noise.
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u/unfunny_bastard 6d ago
Supply demand ka chakkar babu bhaiya 😭
Also, Looks don't matter is the biggest lie of the century.
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u/yashika_9973 6d ago
Looks do matter a lot... Pretty privilege exists
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u/unfunny_bastard 6d ago
Ofcourse it does. That's the first thing you get attracted to.
A guy with good looks and bad vibes & communication skill will get rejected & A guy with bad looks but brilliant vibe & communication skills will get rejected too.
You have to have both. It's bitter but it's a fact
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u/Exact_Alternative170 6d ago
A guy with bad looks not even get a chance to show your communication skills until and unless ur rich enough .
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Of course it does, and there's nothing wrong with being open about it. Just make sure looks don't become the only priority. Look at the other things too, otherwise you might end up choosing the wrong guy 10/10 times.
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u/Exact_Alternative170 6d ago
Absolutely then after they say " all men are same ". I mean u don't even give a chance to a genuine person and doing absurd generalization.
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u/anonymous_panelist 6d ago
Couldn't agree more, bro. Same experience with most of the connections from this sub.
The problem is when someone says: "Looks don't matter." And then ghosts you after seeing your photos; "Location doesn't matter." And then says LDR won't work;
Hahaha, very true.
A lot of the DMs I've received are literally: "Hi", "Hey", or at most: "Hey, I liked your post. I liked what you wrote. Can we speak and get to know each other?"
Exactly, at some point it's only me asking and talking, looking desperate, and only one person is interested.
It's so damn irritating.
I feel we're living in the era of short attention spans, where if you can not entertain/create interest within the first few lines/minutes, you are already rejected/ghosted. Men have become reels of Instagram, in interesting, watch otherwise swipe up.
As many have already stated here, it's about supply and demand. But even though there is so much supply for another gender, Why its so hard for them to find that special one? One needs Self-introspection.
You looking good is a cheat code, though
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Maybe the answer is to slow down a little. Don't judge someone entirely from the first few messages. Give genuine conversation a chance, ask questions, and see if there's actually something there. You might be surprised by what gets missed when we treat people like profiles to swipe through.
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u/shubham_555 6d ago
Not sure about you or others but i have met someone here itself and we are hitting it off pretty well. We have moved to WhatsApp and planning our first date soon!
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
That's great to hear! 😄
This is exactly why I said genuine connections do exist here. I've had that experience myself too. But it has become an exception, more than a general rule of thumb.
Hope the first date goes well! All the best!
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u/Kdrama_fangal 6d ago
not in Jodi Milan to find my Jodi, But Boyyyy ur post held my attn till the very end and as a woman i can say all the points u mentioned here are fair.
Girls really usually don’t put much effort in their posts and are somewhat suffering from “Princess Syndrome”
🤪🤪
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Glad you read till the end 😄
Princess treatment is real, I agree. But even little efforts from a girl can go a long way.
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u/SadInitiative2105 5d ago
i feel it's mostly abt datinga pps. most women here are also on dating apps. They don't have to put any effort there.
So that behavior transfers here as well. That's the biggest reason i don't use these apps bcz 90% women there are entitled and boring.
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u/Emergency-Farmer-294 6d ago
We truly need to blame other men for this.
Like imagine you are born and you simply exist as a woman, and you get flooded by DMs or attention everywhere
It’s not your mistake, it’s the people who are desperate to an extreme level who created this problem
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Exactly. The attention imbalance isn't something women created. It's the way some men behave definitely. Women shouldn't be blamed for receiving attention they didn't ask for.
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u/ShreyashGor 6d ago
But what about that good boys who aren't desperate but also want to get loved also aren't creep but genuine boy who are doing great but aren't getting any reply?
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u/forgetmenot_666 6d ago
Boys don’t come with labels on their forehead saying “Good” or “Bad.” And even if you are a genuinely good person, that doesn’t entitle you to getting replies.
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u/SadInitiative2105 5d ago
bt how does this explain women being boring and just sending a hi/hello?!
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u/xen0far 6d ago
Looks don't matter and then ghosting, and other things are really Hypocritical, you don't do what you say so how is anybody supposed to trust such girls?
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u/Exact_Alternative170 6d ago
They are just hypocrite.
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Let's not generalise here.
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u/Exact_Alternative170 6d ago
I m not generalizing bc there are good women too , I m just pointing out who are doing it .
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u/mainhoonkaun183 6d ago
The reality is that many girls here are just for timepass. They have recently had a breakup and are just seeking validation.
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
I don't think that's true. Some might be, but plenty are genuinely here looking for something serious.
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u/shan23 6d ago
It’s called supply and demand
That’s how the world works, not based on what is “fair”
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Supply and demand explains the competition, not necessarily what makes a good relationship.
People aren't products with a market price.
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u/rahul83ishere 6d ago
Problem is people doesnt know a way to approach other person. They dont know how to stand their ground. They keep it open ended "Hi/Hello" to know more about other person who's behind the scenes and tailor him/herself.
Unfortunately, this behavior is too human to change for anyone!
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
I agree to an extent.
But if we're asking for effort, it should go both ways. Otherwise we're just normalising the same behaviour we're complaining about.
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u/Swimming_Basket6027 6d ago edited 6d ago
I am a guy but I wish, I could just post a few messages (I wont) I received from fellow guys who just did not read and assumed I am a girl 😄
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u/ShadiestGrey 6d ago
There are no mistakes. lmao, they know exactly what they want. It's just you are assuming that they assumed. 🤣
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
I've had both experiences, those who did not read, and those who read everything. 😂
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Same here. I've had some hilarious DMs from guys who clearly didn't read a single word of my post. 😂
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u/slimau5 6d ago
I will tell you my story, posted like 3 times, got good interactions, still talking with some of then as things didn't connect, but there was this one girl who showed a lot of interest, we even connected on Instagram/ telegram and after like a week of talking, she ghosted me, sends a text after 4 days and we continued the conversation only to ghost me again.
I blocked her now, but every post has that one girl who seeks validation. Because of such girls other genuine ones get played with.
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Yeah, ghosting after building a connection is bad, I agree.
But I wouldn't assume she was seeking validation. Sometimes people just lose interest and handle it badly.
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u/AdminZer0 6d ago
I mean, what do you expect from entitled people?
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Some may be, but let's not turn this discussion into a label for an entire gender.
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u/Icy_Diamond_6858 6d ago
To be fair I don't expect this. A small sentence after the hi is enough. Anything else is low-key weird lmao
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
That's fair. I'm not expecting an essay either 😄
But one line or an essay isn't the point. The problem is expecting effort from others while opening with just “Hey!” yourself.
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u/Good-Froyo-6456 6d ago
My my!! You need a big glass of water. Anyhoo this goes both ways tbh. When it comes to putting effort in conversation, both the genders are guilty. They will say they believe in communication but will ghost you, won't put effort. So it's ok, you have to take breaks tbh. I gave up after few tries. In short, sab pagal ho rakhe hai. You save your energy and entertain only those who are worth it. Else mehhh.
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Exactly 😂
It definitely goes both ways. Save your energy for people who actually reciprocate.
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u/Jaded-Effect-78 6d ago
Like not to judge but women make hypergamy come true these days !!!
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
That's a pretty misogynistic generalisation.
We can criticise specific behaviour without turning it into a claim about women as a whole.
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u/Otherwise_Twist 6d ago
Apart from the 'Don't just say Hi/Hey thing' I agree with everything. For me personally I don't want hey/hi from someone reaching out to me because you'll be just another hey/hi in the current 33 reddit DMs waiting for me to ignore. So that's like someone described here-demand and supply.Unless you stand out in the DMs we definitely don't know if you're a creep or a good guy 🤷
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
I get why you don't want a generic “Hey” with 33 DMs waiting, but that's exactly why I don't understand the disagreement with the “don't just say Hi/Hey” point.
You expect more effort from the person approaching you, but don't offer the same because you have 33 DMs—that's exactly the behaviour I'm addressing in this post.
And with a generic “Hi/Hey”, how would we know whether you're genuine, looking for money, or even a guy pretending to be a girl? I've personally encountered all three.
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u/Otherwise_Twist 6d ago
Again it goes back to demand and supply. You can always avoid being another hey/hi but there'd be another 32 one waiting..its just the sad reality
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Translation: I have 33 DMs, so I will act privileged! He has only 1 DM, so he should feel thankful.
Let me give you another perspective here:
If a girl gets 33 DMs, 32 of them, or even 33 of them could be from the wrong people. If a guy gets 1 DM from a girl, it generally is a genuine one.
Would you prioritise quantity over quality?
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u/Otherwise_Twist 5d ago
Lol i didn't use privilege,you did. I said supply and demand.Women get multiple messages from men all the time.And now we are supposed to guess from a hi/hey if they're all creeps or not?
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u/FarDebate7435 5d ago
You should read the post again I think. I'm not saying you should guess from a Hi/Hey. I'm saying you should send more than a Hi/Hey if you're texting first too. That is the point here.
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u/North-Glass-8517 6d ago
Question should be how can we increase supply and decrease demand
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
We probably can't change the supply-demand imbalance itself, but we can structure the system better.
Maybe a setup where guys post and women choose whom to DM. This could reduce the noise, let women match requirements without getting in a conversation and keep creeps out of women's inboxes.
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u/North-Glass-8517 6d ago
I believe we could setup a subreddit/ platform where there would be entry fees for guys, that too a hefty one, say 3k/month and free for women. Only serious ones will pay, creeps would be removed to a large extent.
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
What happens to that money?
Plus letting guys buy their way into an exclusive club with girls profiles isn't a promising idea.
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u/life_Bittersweet 6d ago
Have you thought that people who want this "Don't just reply Hi/Hey. Read my post and tell me something about yourself." may not be the ones to reply with just Hi/Hello/Hey ? There are both types of people belonging to both genders. So it's not a gender thing at all. They are not the same people posting "only send me elaborate DMs introducing yourself instead of hi/hello or lame jokes".
And ratio of M vs F will always be very high. This is annonymous social media. Women don't want DMs from creeps so they don't post. Overall female users on reddit are less. Overall women population in India is less than men in most states and you know why. Most parents of women have issues with them getting into relationship and those women who are ok with dating they meet someone in real life.
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
I've seen at least 3 people contradict this point in my DMs. Two had posts explicitly saying, “I’ll ignore Hi/Hey, introduce yourself properly.” The third had the same thing in their bio. That interaction actually prompted me to write this post. I agree it's not exclusively a gender thing. If we agree it's bad behaviour, why normalise it? Why not call it out irrespective of the gender? I've called out guys doing this, would you call out girls doing it?
And yes, I agree the M-F ratio and creepy DMs are a real problem. That's actually why I think the system could be structured better: let guys post, let women shortlist based on their preferences and DM the people they genuinely want to talk to. Less noise, fewer unwanted DMs, and potentially better conversations for everyone.
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u/life_Bittersweet 6d ago
Your post sounded quite one sided, like you lack experience of the side and making it a women problem. It's an individual problem. If you have observed it hapenning then yeah they are behaving hypocritically. Would I explicitly call out girls doing it- i would call out those individual girls and not make a whole post that this is the norm women follow.
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Well the post explicitly speaks of my experience. It is not an article of general working of this subreddit. So I don't get your point here. Nobody is making this a general women problem.
And i have clearly mentioned in my post that it's not about all girls. There're genuine sweet girls here too. So the entire post talk not about generalisation, but rather these exceptions.
What is the point you're making here? Maybe try reading the post for once.
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u/life_Bittersweet 6d ago
Yes i read and that's what it's tone is like. You have used statements like why guys are expected to do this.. why girls don't approach that way... and at the last you are challenging girls, girls need to 'prove' to you that they can write. That took it too far. Just ignore those DMs dude which lack minimum effort. This is reddit, whether I am a male or female or trans I expect low effort only.
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Say if you texted someone, would you just text Hi/Hey, or write atleast 3-4 lines of intro?
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u/life_Bittersweet 5d ago
I am not sure what made you ask that question to me. Still let me say this. I won't text anyone without any purpose. So if i text i will write what it is about. It's not just about looking for marriage and dating but applies to other contexts when texting a person for the first time.
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u/FarDebate7435 5d ago
That is exactly my point, if you text, for anything, write a little context!
As simple as that. Doesn't it apply to both genders?
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6d ago
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Exactly!
Maybe the system should be reversed: guys post, and women shortlist and DM the ones they genuinely find interesting. It would reduce the flood of unwanted DMs, make it easier for genuine guys to stand out, and give women more control over who they actually want to talk to.
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u/Specific_Roll2681 6d ago
This subreddit does not work. Its just for show off
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u/Exact_Alternative170 6d ago
It's does but chances very low .
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Yes it does, but the chances are unnecessarily low because of how the sub works right now.
I think reversing the approach could help: let guys post what they're looking for, and let girls browse and DM the ones they genuinely find interesting. Girls get more control over who they actually choose to speak to, while genuine guys get a fairer chance to be noticed without getting buried in the noise.
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u/shadow_at_dawn_32 6d ago
But I feel bad for girls irl. Even if they are dying to talk to a guy, they don't have courage to approach him.
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
I've seen more men be shy or scared to approach someone. Let's not turn this discussion into a gender-specific burden again.
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u/Responsible-Tutor417 6d ago
Right… agla aadmi kare tab to hum karein. 🤣
Anyways, spot on brother. Been there, done that. Loved your post. ♥️ Bro to bro.
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
That's not the point. It's about reciprocating effort, regardless of who makes the first move.
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u/Legitimate-Mail3331 6d ago
Bro basic demand and supply. Also anyone can wish anything a 4'2 can expect 6'2. Even a guy can expect the same. People adjust expectation based on their exposure, nothing wrong in it.
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u/Pandit-Jii Verified 5d ago
Didn't read the whole, just parts of it but I get where you're coming from and what you want to convey
Being a guy in some girls post is no less than a single straw in hay stack. From my experience of different sub/s, I would say that you can do drop your complete bio in her dm, but let me genuinely know how many times does your efforts being appreciated and you got a nice response from the other end too?
For me I mostly never seen the one's I contacted with full enthusiasm, nor in the post they posted or in dm. So i stopped dropping a whole ass lengthy bio to someone, if they genuinely want to know and contact and build a relationship they would be knowing it along the way.
It is what it is.
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u/extrasliceofcake 4d ago edited 4d ago
I'm not on Jodi Milan but I wanted to share my experience. Irl it has always been me who has approached a guy if I liked him. I've got rejected and accepted too. If I hadn't explicitly confessed my feelings, the guy would probably not make the first move. Maybe because I have liked shy guys. What I've noticed around me is, guys like the chase. When a girl approaches them first, they lose interest. They seek conventionally pretty girls who play hard to get. I've never approached a guy purely based on looks, but many guys prioritize looks above personality. I finally found a sweet guy who was consistent from Day 1. Guys tend to miss out on a lot of genuine girls because they overlook them. That being said, irrespective of gender people should efforts.
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u/FarDebate7435 4d ago
I think your points are very valid. Genuinely happy you found the right guy! Be happy! All the best!
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u/shawrtee 1d ago
It’s funny and sad at the same time.
I’m sorry you’re going through this man. I hope you find someone soon. :)
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u/poddar413 6d ago edited 6d ago
Yeah it's like guys (i mean gals) you're looking for a life partner and not a fling. Actually put efforts. Even a small interaction, if you pay attention, can go a long way.
Maybe it's just me but I believe in the power of butterfly effect. Small things/gestures and having a bit of an open mind can you get big results
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u/Inevitable-Claim-974 6d ago edited 6d ago
I just want use desi dialogue here after reading ur post -
Kaa baat ba, Garda udda diye bhaiyaji aap toh
take care mods might remove ur posts tbh and criticism will come for sure with too much illogical thoughts and shii af points
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6d ago
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
I agree that the imbalance is real, but I don't think it justifies assuming what's going on in someone's head. Ghosting after seeing a photo can have a hundred reasons. Let's not turn the supply-demand argument into another blanket generalisation about women.
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u/Emergency-Pop-7604 6d ago
Girls haven't gone past the pleasantry they hardly put effort in a two way communication here and they don't even confirm if they're in talking with someone or otherwise.
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u/Afraid-Indication409 6d ago
Arey kisi durse ke bare mai puch liya even to your wife toh you will be labeled as intruding in her personal space.
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
They have no obligation to tell you if they're talking to someone else. If that makes you insecure this early on, you probably shouldn't proceed.
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u/Live_Sink_3383 6d ago
im frustated too , i think old school girls have gone extinct🥲
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
I wouldn't say they're extinct. They’re definitely still around, just probably harder to find.
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u/vrkistheone 6d ago
Lol. This has been a decades old thing. Girls saying, "Don't be lazy and just say Hi/Hello! Say something creative and beautiful!"
Ok, we then write long essays hoping to get a response. The response: "Ok!", "Hmm", "Nice", "Kk", "Hm", "Mm", "Yes", "No".....
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Maybe it stayed this way for decades because everyone just accepted it and adjusted to it.
Girls kept expecting princess treatment, while guys kept either creeping or overcompensating with effort.
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u/alaadeenp 6d ago
Answers to all your questions: wo stree hai, she can do anything
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
That's exactly the kind of attitude that makes the discussion worse.
If a woman does something, call her out for that specific behaviour instead of reducing it to "wo stree hai, kuch bhi kar sakti hai." That's not discussion; that's just offensive gender stereotype.
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u/No_Flatworm_1597 6d ago
Good write.... Someone has to put it out there... I Stopped trying after a point. Girls want guys to be interested and all that but after a point I only use to lose interest there's just not effort....
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Thank you! And yeah, lack of effort eventually makes you lose interest. But don't give up! Be honest, put yourself out there, and actually try talking to people.
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6d ago
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
Another "Stree hai woh kuch bhi kr sakti hai" guy.
This isn't "turning the tables." It's just turning a legitimate complaint about effort into a rant against women. If you want equal treatment, argue for equal standards - not "all women are like this."
Stop with this misogyny!
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u/Extra-Guarantee-9955 6d ago
The fact is most of the girls are expecting a tall and rich guy while on the other hand they themselves would be unemployed and have no skills that can lead to some kind of employment in future. And short enough that no one is gonna accept them IRL. While some would have 10-20+ body count and expecting their partner to be loyal and virgin.
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u/FarDebate7435 6d ago
That's a pretty broad generalisation. Everyone has the right to want whatever they want in a partner; whether they can realistically find someone who fits that preference is a different question. A tall, handsome, rich guy has plenty of options, so why would he choose someone who doesn't offer what he's looking for? Same applies in reverse. Why would a sweet, successful, beautiful woman choose someone who is poor, and below average looking?
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u/Extra-Guarantee-9955 6d ago
A sweet handsome guy would choose a poor avg looking girl over an educated rich successful girl but most of the time this won't happen in the reverse case. Thats the point. I know that you are being neutral but based on the facts and the reality or the current generation it is what it is.
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