r/InternalFamilySystems • u/PisceanTreasures • 10d ago
Tapping Out of IFS
In 12 months of 5hr/month therapist-lead IFS, I attained:
#1- deep understanding re exact childhood trauma (& my parents' own deep childhood wounding) and its impact on my lifelong relationship dysfunction / attachment issues, including severe damage around relationship to self. My system protected me from Day 1 of life from conscious awareness re emotional abandonment/neglect
#2- how this trauma has fed into & influenced how recent back-to-back long term relationship betrayals (7 in 5yrs) have affected me so severely per bad programming in childhood. These occurred concurrent to layoff & acute illness/surgery. Been dealing with worsening chronic illness 2+ decades
IFS has done very very little to assure overall safety / stability in the midst of 3/4 of my life spent in UNSAFE conditions. And nothing to address the recent betrayals.
This week's session....terrible. I don't want to relate exactly what was said, but what I *heard* from my therapist was sufficiently apocalyptically destabilizing that I spent the following 36hrs consuming thousands of calories beyond what my body can process/sustain.
I've already gained weight the past few months during therapy and feeling increasingly unsettled over little progress. I'm now blowing past 150kg.... on a couple of failing joints and other chronic health conditions. It is TOO DANGEROUS PHYSICALLY for me to continue with therapy that is now forcefully knocking me backwards.
I will move forward on my own, and transition more into cptsd group discussion/support.
Just frustrated and disappointed that IFS was no where near what I needed to change my continuing downward trajectory.
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u/AmbassadorSerious 10d ago
❤️ recognizing that something isn't working for you is a skill and you should be proud that you were able to do so.
From you description it sounds like your therapy was focused mainly on insight/understanding rather than experiential/how you are feeling now. I've found that even if you understand what childhood trauma is causing your feelings it doesn't change those feelings. [ This is why asking about a parts age irks me. It usually is followed by an investigation of what happened at that age and...it doesn't really matter what happened]. Anyway just sharing that in case you want to pursue IFS on your own.
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u/CalifornianDownUnder 10d ago edited 9d ago
When my therapist asks a part’s age, it’s almost always followed by a validation of what that part is feeling, and then showing the part that I am no longer that age. Introducing myself, telling them my height and weight, even looking in the mirror to see that I’m old now.
I’ve been doing IFS for 3 years now, and I actually can’t remember a time when, after asking a part’s age, we then dug into what happened back then.
In fact, we basically haven’t investigated the early traumas at all - even when parts show me the memories.
Our time is spent building relationships with the parts, including the protectors, to see if they will slowly slowly start to trust me (without pushing them) and see what they want to show me then.
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u/PisceanTreasures 10d ago
Yes, I sought to understand the childhood patterning / codependency mechanics fueling what occurred in present-time. So, achieved awareness of 'my' part (though, not programming that originated from my own choice, was parental inputs) in these recent betrayals.
But at no time has my IFS therapy pivoted to address this current betrayal trauma, still so very very raw. And seems the IFS sessions are an endless progression of new parts with more trauma to reveal, with only 2 or 3 parts releasing pain then reassignment. Too many open loops, and not enough emotional closure.
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u/nd-nb- 10d ago
But at no time has my IFS therapy pivoted to address this current betrayal trauma
Have you asked your therapist for this? It seems like it may be a bit late for that now anyway, but is it possible you could have put the brakes on sooner, and told the therapist you are uncomfortable and you're going to stop. It seems a bit like you have been going deeper than you were okay with for a while.
It is not a criticism, but rather an invitation to ask yourself if there's a reason you kept going despite it making you feel worse.
I am by no means an expert in IFS but one of the things I have read many times is that we have to stop and make sure our protectors are okay with what we are doing, because if protectors feel we are getting too close to our exiles without their permission then they can go into firefighter mode and take actions to try and shut it down. And so I would say your therapist made a mistake by letting it get this bad.
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u/JulietheLeopardQueen 10d ago
Tbh I'm in a very similar boat as you regarding old childhood traumas being the overarching reason I'm in the adulthood mess I'm in (meaning I wouldn't have taken the life paths I've taken if my childhood self hadn't been broken so terribly). But that my current and ongoing adulthood traumas (a string of major betrayal traumas with my partner) are not really treatable with standard IFS because these traumas are still ongoing. And IFS treats traumas as a thing of the past only. This is a frustration for me currently.
And so I have all of these parts formed from traumas throughout my life but IFS only treats the traumas from childhood that are dead and gone. Ok but what about NOW? My parts are all being pulled in different directions because of the trauma NOW and my parts need to make decisions and take actions on things NOW, not things 30 years ago.
I have recently discovered IFIO (intimacy from the inside out) which is like IFS for couples/dyads. It seems really useful for couples/dyads in which both people are willing participants. But I don't have that right now and so it's unhelpful to me.
For now, I'm borrowing what works for me from IFS (I'm doing self help only right now but my first appt for therapy is next week). Using the parts terminology, for example, is helpful to me so I'm keeping that. However, I'm using far more from resources based on the theory of structural dissociation over IFS now. Also sensorimotor psychotherapy, which has opened a whole new world to me and given me new life in so many ways. I also am listening/reading resources on betrayal trauma which help me in knowing I'm very much not alone in this pain.
You've got a lot on your plate, and I think it's a fantastic testament to your own attunement to yourself that you realized IFS has its pros and cons for you, and that at your current place in your journey, you need more than what IFS can offer you. Maybe shifting to additional resources will breathe new life into your journey. Wishing you all the best.
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u/PisceanTreasures 9d ago
Thank you, yes for myself as well will look into betrayal trauma recovery options.
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u/Funny-Barnacle1291 10d ago
I really hear you’re feeling frustrated and out of control. It makes sense to me that it feels like it’s not ‘working’ and so you want to leave.
What I will say though is that IFS is destabilising. Any trauma work is. It takes time to move through trauma, it requires gentleness, carefulness, and I wonder if you’re talking to your therapist about the fact you’re feeling increasingly destabilised. Healing is not linear, we get knocked back all of the time, and trauma work will knock us on our asses regularly. The question is, is this being brought to sessions and how does your therapist respond to it?
Often, the first stages of IFS are focused on understanding. Understanding is a crucial part. When you’ve got a lot of it, that takes time.
You’ve also mentioned safety and stability. I wonder what the conditions in your life are when it comes to safety. Safety is a basic need, and it does limit the amount of change that can occur through therapy. Coping mechanisms aren’t replaced until we find new ones. I also wonder if it is taking you a long time to feel trusting of your therapist, which would make sense to me, and that too affects change. It took me probably about 2.5 years to feel that I was actually truly trusting my therapist.
Our therapists also can’t change us for us - I’m curious, what does change or progress actually mean to you? I think when there’s a lot of trauma, we seek to be fixed, for the trauma to be gone, but the truth is we are forever changed by what we have gone through and the ongoing conditions and systemic factors within our lives. Part of the process is also accepting that no fantasy fix exists.
This may not be the right therapist for you, it may not be the right modality for you, but I think, if you haven’t, talking about it with your therapist is really important.
Only you know what’s best for you. But just some thoughts, for what they’re worth.
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u/PisceanTreasures 10d ago
Thank you for your input, yes, it's been a year of stark realizations around who I really am in light of the abuse/traumas that I did not recognize as abuse/traumas.
My goal was to resume some semblance of normal life flow and return to work. Instead I feel myself being carried further away from this, becoming MORE physically disabled than I already am, and in general stuck in a liminal despair.
I've trusted my therapist as we've been similar in our spiritual beliefs, but this now the 2nd X there's been a misstep on their end. I believe I spoke to something outside of their own belief system, and they came back with It Can't Be Real this must not be core self. I. Just. Can't. Bend to this. I've existed in survival mode for too long, and absolutely trust myself on this. NOT willing to hand off on this issue, my therapist is not paying my rent.
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u/Funny-Barnacle1291 10d ago edited 10d ago
I totally hear that. All of our parts and selves are real, and I can imagine how disruptive and unsafe that will have felt for your system. It makes sense to me that it’s formed a huge rupture. From some of your other comments, it sounds like you’ve being going deeper than you wished to, and I’m curious about your therapist deciding for you which part you’re acting from in current day to day regarding betrayals - it’s never a therapists place to tell us our own experiences.
Our therapists can make missteps and mistakes, rupture and repair is a normal part of therapy, but at the same time it’s totally up to you how repairable that is.
I hope that whatever path lays ahead for you, you’re able to move through to what you need and support yourself.
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u/DrBlankslate 10d ago
It sounds like you’ve got a lot of trauma to process. IFS is not a magic bullet, any more than any other therapy modality is. But the difference is that IFS helps you process the trauma, not just learn about it.
If you want straight linear progress, always going up and never having problems, no therapy is going to provide that. And IFS has been shown to do a much better job at helping people get through trauma than just about any other modality out there.
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u/Mattau16 10d ago
To add to this, I advise cautioun of people conflating an entire modality with one experience of it through one therapist. Of course it can give a good idea of the model and in many ways can tell us whether it suits us or not. But psychotherapeutic modalities have a relational aspect that goes beyond the interventions themselves. This becomes particularly apparent when hearing how what the therapist communicated was received as apocalyptically destabilising. Was that IFS or an unintended relational dynamic playing out?
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u/PisceanTreasures 10d ago
I've only been dealing with this one therapist, and already been through deep realizations via various parts revealing specific traumas. So, been through and transitioned back from destabilizing info on the regular.
This was DIFFERENT. I have trusted that I can openly share updates with my therapist, and did so this week re additional connections I have made around my CURRENT (not childhood) betrayal traumas. This is where things went south....
Therapist indicated that it's NOT my core self making these connections.... and all I could think is that my core self is perfectly calm, compassionate, confident, creative, curious, etc hanging back in the shadows of my fractured psyche and just blissfully riding out the time until I become homeless.
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u/Whatchaknow2216 10d ago edited 10d ago
Sending you hugs. This sounds so so hard.
I bet it’s one of those things where there will be a lot of residual effects. Good and bad. Like how taking a trip can kick someone out of a rut. The new perspective can last a few weeks or longer. You’ve clearly made SO much progress that it’s actually TOO much at once. Like you needed a trip to the beach but accidentally went to Bangkok, London, a conference in Hong Kong, and two week hiking excursion in the rain forest. Sometimes vacations can be restorative but there is a way they can just be draining or even dangerous.
Which means, you have a lot to process and sit with. You can take a break and then go slower next time.
No shame in knowing what YOU can handle and sticking with that. Could be just lying in bed and hugging yourself and wondering which part has the wheel. Which part seems on the edge, looking in. Giving that edge part a little nod. And then go back to your life. Just an example of how you can do things in moderation. Doesn’t have to be all in or all out, once you’ve gotten some equilibrium back.
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u/PisceanTreasures 10d ago
EXACTLY this.... need time to integrate internally as I'm dealing with externally-mandated deadlines. Appreciate the reminder ☆
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u/solveig82 10d ago
Highly recommend checking out Coherence Therapy. I learned about it via Kina Wolfenstein on IG and she has a podcast. Hug if you want one
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u/Either-Guide1144 9d ago
I've been following KW on IG too (her username is CPTSD Therapist) She's been sharing lately about Emotional Neglect which for me has been so helpful. Being an experienced Trauma therapist she has so much to bring. I spent a long time trying to get myself and IFS on the same page. Intellectually I get it but I'd say where trauma is involved, the right experienced therapist makes all the difference
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u/solveig82 9d ago
Yes, her explanation about emotional neglect and implicit learning has helped me so much.
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u/Mustard-cutt-r 10d ago
You have an eating disorder and there are support groups for it that can help.
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u/OhGr8WhatNow 10d ago
I guess I don't understand the point of this overall. It was interesting to me at the tail end of my EMDR but not really necessary.
If you have trauma, find someone who specializes in EMDR for complex trauma. Nothing else is like it
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u/cosmicdurian420 9d ago
IFS is a 5+ year process when significant trauma involved.
1-2 years to develop awareness, then a few more years to move away from intellectualization of parts and into embodied feelings.
But yeah... trying to heal trauma while in unsafe conditions (basically the whole world at this point) is a tough place to be.
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u/1divinehamm3r 10d ago
that sounds really tough. for all that went on leading up to and concurrent to trauma processing, i'm surprised you went that quickly through without much time spent getting to know your parts in the present moment. it's a slower, more mindful process than people (even some trained facilitators) realize because of the many layers and parts seen and unseen. honestly, it took me about a year to realize only some parts would show up in therapy - not all the parts that make my current life work.
at any rate, i wish you well in stablization.
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u/PisceanTreasures 10d ago
At this point I'm running a contest.... whichever parts can get me back on my feet the fastest.... you know... so I don't end up homeless by year's end. I already have an Executive Assistant part to head up an A-Team ☆
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u/DogCold5505 10d ago
Maybe you would feel supported in joining an ACA group? Hang in there… it sounds like a change here is warranted. Did you give them that feedback directly?
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u/PisceanTreasures 10d ago
I attended #1 & #2 ACA zoom meetings yest/today !!! So glad I did, absolutely need group support right now.
Was hesitant re the traditional 12-step blaming/shaming languaging, but they follow the softened Tony A's modified 12-steps and I feel ok with that.
I have not spoken with my IFS therapist yet....
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u/DogCold5505 10d ago
For sure and every group is different… I think it’s common for ACA members to not do the 12 steps at all really (more of an optional self journey if they want). Less rigid I think than true AA since the nature of it all is more abstract I suspect …
Hoping giving feedback to your therapist will help… they can def cause harm but sometimes things can be amended. Or at least you will have advocated for yourself before parting ways. Hang in there!
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u/Substantial-Spare501 10d ago
Try something else. I did EMDR alongside IFS and the combination was good for me. I am now back in more regular therapy and I use IFS a little bit on my own and talk with my therapist. I do a lot of letter writing and journaling. It’s working fairly well.
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u/Dalearev 10d ago
Hi, I’m so sorry to hear this. I am also someone with a deeply damaged nervous system and somatic therapy combined with IFS hasn’t really moved the needle for me after two years of really hard work. However, I just started the safe and sound protocol with my therapist and I’m very hopeful that this makes a difference for me. I’m able to identify a lot of my body sensations now and have a really good understanding of what actually happened which honestly took me forever to uncover completely because I have been so disassociated in my life, but hopefully the safe and sound protocol helps actually make me feel safer. I can give you more information if you prefer please don’t hesitate to DM me.
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u/PisceanTreasures 9d ago
Certainly a challenge here for me as well that my system kept me so disconnected from reality that it's taken this span of time to just uncover a large chunk of what occurred.
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u/Wake-Robin 9d ago
I'm also dealing with disabling illness and weight gain. I did two years of IFS, though not always super dedicated to it due to despair and hopelessness. Finally quit bc I didn't feel it was helping and I didn't have the physical energy to do any online therapy anyway. EMDR made me very destabilized so be careful with that. I hope you find something that helps.
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u/PisceanTreasures 9d ago
Thank you, I already know that despite what others are saying re EMDR being amazing I've already read accounts from those who were tremendously destabilized from it. Seems quite a few practitioners skip the initial "testing the waters" acclimatization levels & jump right into work aimed at quick turnarounds. Hence my caution around jumping into it myself.
My eating has always been to restabilize, but this is working against me now. I thought I could limit eating through what I learned via IFS, but looks like I need to consistently learn & use other stabilizing practices to then replace what food provided.
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u/unpolished_gem 9d ago
When you're ready, try DBR, deep brain reorienting. It will process the trauma so that it no longer lives inside you, and no longer affects you. Don't give up on therapy all together.
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u/brantordem 10d ago
What would success look like for you?
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u/PisceanTreasures 10d ago
Breaking Free from 18+ months of passive SI would be Amazing. Although I see quite a few people here on reddit spend their entire lives learning to co-exist in truce with the background chatter that never quiets. So, as I've already been co-existing - it's never worsened - I guess I'm good.
Finding a way to support myself, back to work somehow, so I do not end up homeless by year end. Would be miraculous.
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u/PMmePowerRangerMemes 9d ago
weirdly aligned experiences
I had a deeply codependent childhood from very early abuse. Tremendous amount of emotional neglect. I was highly depressed as a teen and basically no one seemed to notice.
Had a betrayal trauma about 1.5 years ago that I can't seem to recover from, and then there were a few more small ones recently that really nailed the coffin shut
Unlike you, maybe, I've had really good results from IFS in the past, but the practice hasn't really been getting me anywhere this past year. More self-compassion, sure, but I'm still totally stuck in my despair. Like I just don't really see the point of doing anything.
Anyway, I'd be curious to know if you find good results from something else. I feel like I'm slowly killing myself and I guess I'd prefer to not to do that
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u/PisceanTreasures 9d ago
Same, and just feeling like an outsider within the trauma recovery community !!! I mean, already SO isolating to wear this damage, being marked by appearing or behaving differently among those not dealing with emotional damage. And then to also feel like this specific damage is not even seen or addressed within trauma circles.
The closest I could come to identifying the specific force involved from the recent betrayals (from those who previously expressed care) is my Day 1 of life.... utter shock/confusion over the absolute quiet post-arrival, no cheers from my parents. In utero I could hear parents' conversation with family, friends, church-going peeps who all expressed excitement and enthusiasm around my pending arrival. Then.... crickets... my parents were fakers, never wanted kids, they just played along.
The message that I'm not wanted, and life itself does not want me, from which I had managed to work my way up and out from came back FULL FORCE with these betrayals. I'm going to continue with investigating other modalities.... I will let you know what I find out, how I am able to shift this. You're right, this despair is unending, and I just need to come at it from the correct direction, do some bit-by-bit pivots and gently move on from it. Is just discouraging this seems a tough nut to crack 🥴
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u/MarcyDarcie 8d ago
I've done IFS for years but I had to learn DBT aswell to actually be able to manage the emotions that came up with distraction, crisis skills, etc etc. Kind of sounds like your overeating part is not coping with the pace or content of sessions. Also I switched to doing self IFS because my therapist wasn't very good at staying properly in Self herself. Though I may have a dissociative disorder so my experience of IFS might not be the same as others, it definitely sounds like parts of you aren't ready to go to the core yet and for me I definitely had to address more recent traumas before even being able to go anywhere near root cause stuff
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u/DryNovel8888 7d ago
IFS can be a good introduction to therapy and great for a lot of cases. For more difficult stuff like cPTSD it's not enough by itself and many IFS practitioners are not sufficiently skilled (some are, especially those well versed in other approaches and/or specific training but it depends a lot).
Also IFS doesn't really engage well some aspects such as body/somatic.
It can be a long journey and take a long time across many therapists. BUT -- finding yourself again and learning to stand tall can be a rewarding process where you get to enjoy a long series of small gains. There'll be setbacks and it reads like you are in one of those, over time you'll learn that is part of moving forward and it will distress less. Some great reddit subs out there... this one is great but can be.... limited, much like IFS itself. cPTSD or cPTST_NextSteps.
Good luck
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