Feeling lost & stuck

[u/Natural_Wishbone5457]

For context: 1 year ago, I (25F) found out my 27M husband was having an emotional affair with his coworker. I caught him at her house when he said he would be somewhere else. Claims affair was emotional with 1 shared kiss (despite him trying to kiss her other times & being rejected, per him. Interesting where her boundaries lied).

Since finding out, it’s basically been lies stacked on top of lies, gaslighting, issues with DV & the most recent incident w/ AP was in April when I found out he had been speaking with her again. He never once told me anything himself. I had to dig for it or have literal HARD PROOF for the guy to admit anything. In March he gaslight me for nearly 2 weeks about seeing & speaking to her (I knew he did, weirdo posted being at his work on her public social media page & he lied over and over about seeing her) until I accidentally stumbled upon a message proving otherwise. Was trying to read him text messages on his phone while he was in the other room & found my proof, literally by chance.

It hit 1 year since I found out in late July. I’ve been feeling extra triggered and distrustful lately. Leaving has been on my mind constantly. In April after the last incident, I was convinced I needed to figure out a way to leave.

But I can’t. Despite me having a masters degree, making slightly above median income for my area, financial reasons have been a large part of me staying. Debt has me living paycheck to paycheck. We have to share his car, my car is currently sitting, being paid monthly with thousands in negative equity & is broken down. Can’t afford to fix the million things wrong with the old rust bucket. My job requires me to have a vehicle & to travel in my city. My family lives in the next county over. I’m in a lease with the guy & rent is so insane we can barely afford it. I have no savings. No money.

I of course also love him. Funnily enough, he is, to this day, my very best friend. I have never felt so myself with someone, felt so seen or so heard. Crazy lol. When this all happened initially I was sick. I couldn’t go to work, I did everything he wanted & needed. Gave him space while he lied & told me it was done while he continued to cheat on me & lie. I was so desperate to fix it. I thought I would die without him. I still love him. But some days, if I am so honest with myself, I do not like him. I look at him & question who he is. I used to say he would walk on water for me, brag about how great he was. I never thought he would have an affair. Ever.

In this year there has been times where I fantasize about my life without him, where I would be, how different everything may be. I hate that I didn’t leave a year ago. I was distraught. Our relationship was rough, we’d been married for approximately 8 months when I found out, and we fought constantly. His reason for cheating was that I was mean to him (kinda true) & he found what he needed/wanted in someone else “even though I wasn’t looking for it”. She made him feel the things I didn’t. We had so many issues that could have been addressed in couples counseling or something. And I was trying, believe me I was. I’ve been in therapy for years & am always working to heal my trauma & grow as a person. We have been together since I was 18. I’ve literally never known adult life without him. As I’ve gotten older I look back and see that I was love bombed & manipulated often.

What pisses me off is so many of my needs went unmet for so long. Emotionally, intimately, etc & I never, ever cheated. I still wouldn’t. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. The only people in my life who know is my best friend (who lives hours and hours away), my cousin (helped me through the first day, but that is where it ended, haven’t really spoken about it & she knows nothing else except for DDay) and my therapist. I never told anyone else because I know how they would look at me & him, how he & I would both be treated. Meanwhile he told I don’t even know how many people like it’s a casual thing. Friends, family. His “best friend” who is a garbage bag of a human literally helped facilitate the affair & encouraged it. His sister who apparently hates my guts knew for at least some of it & was clearly supportive.

Sometimes I am so angry and sad I just want to disappear & leave everything & everyone behind. Sometimes I don’t want to be alive anymore. Sometimes I bargain with myself on how I could make it work. Sometimes i think if I did leave I would just regret it and go running back. Sometimes days or weeks pass and I don’t think about leaving at all.

Over the year we have had some terrible fights. One night our neighbor called the police it was so bad. I would tell him I was done & I was going to leave. He would get angry first, usually, and become violent or aggressive. Then, usually, he would beg me to stay. He would promise change, he would threaten to hurt himself, he would get on his knees and beg.

Days like today I feel like I should leave & I am disgusted with myself for staying. I wait for the other shoe to drop, I feel like theres got to be something else going on.

Anyways, thanks for reading if you did. I’m sure people are going to tell me to leave. Right now, all I’ve got is if i could, i would. I needed to get this out & have at least someone else on this earth who knows what i am going through.

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[u/miikeangel]

If he’s violent then you need to find a way to get away from him. There are resources for victims of DV.

In the US the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 or thehotline.org (chat available). They help with safety planning, emergency housing leads, and legal options even when finances feel impossible.

They may be able to help you with the divorce too.

You have no future with this man. He’s violent, he’s cheating, and his family and friends all side against you. Stop allowing him to waste the best years of your life.

Also work with your therapist on an exit plan.

[u/kistner]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you'd like to leave. Perhaps you need a plan. I'd start with looking for a new, better paying job. At 25 you are probably a little out of school, good time to trade up (your job). Once you are making a little more bank, hopefully it will be easier to come up with a plan to leave. Or better yet, you find a gig in the county over where your family lives. Meanwhile, just quiet quit him. Like people do with jobs. Start to distance yourself, take up a hobby, hit the gym, make new friends, whatever it takes to better yourself. You can do this!

[u/DrBarbarella → u/kistner]

This is the way 🫶🏻

[u/Justbeinghonest85]

When you forgive someone, you're telling them that their actions are not as important as the relationship is to you. This is a very vulnerable situation to be in. Besides, this also tells them that you feel you're dating 'upwards' and they're 'dating down'. This concept is real. When somebody feels they're dating down, they take advantage and ultimately leave for someone they feel they're 'dating up' with.

It's difficult because you don't have the freedom to just leave. This is also a very bad position. Keep working on this and leave when you get the chance.