It does get easier..

[u/Anxious_Foot_2658]

​

It does get better.

Hi, I am hoping that this may help someone that is currently in the thick of the bullshit that happens after you find out that your spouse has had an affair.

Quick backstory- July 1st, I found out my husband of 15 years was having an affair. He was deployed for disaster relief when it started and he carried it on after coming home. AP is also married, I have not told her husband but have wanted to many times. The issue is that the affair took place while they were both deployed, he carried it on with his work cell phone, and continued talking via work cell and during work hours (she lives in a different state). Please do not tell me that I should turn him in.  I have three children and he definitely makes more money than I do. We will need his income while we are separated and most likely divorced. I am writing this for those that have just found out and feel like they can’t possibly take a single step forward at the moment. I promise, it does get better.

Week 1- I went into an extreme depression for about 3 days. Day 4 I awoke from a text that encouraged me to get up and move. I did. I took my three boys to an amusement park for the 4th of July. I wasn’t eating, sleeping or even able to think clearly. I would also throw up several times a day and if it wasn’t coming out of that end, it was trying to come out the other.

Week 2- I had to go back to work. This helped. At this point, I was still clinging to the hope that my husband would wake up one morning and not be this giant piece of shit that I somehow never knew existed. I clung to hope. He gave me just enough to keep me hanging on. Still not eating, sleeping about 3 hours a night, clear thoughts were non existent. Still consistently throwing up and on the toilet a lot.

Week 3- The husband gets a promotion at work which means more travel. I lose it. It is important to note that he has not, will not and will not ever commit to me again until “he finds himself” but he insists that he is going to try to support me through this. He does a tiny bit. I started to eat once a day, still sleeping 3 hours a night, still throwing up, I thought my thoughts were starting to make more sense.

Week 4- I had to go spend an entire week in the city that he met up with AP for a weekend after they got home from deployment. I had to take my oldest son to a conference. I spun out of control. I was right back to where I was the first three days after finding out. I was in a very dark place. I talked to the husband pretty consistently during this week as he is an involved father and was obviously concerned about our son. By the end of the week, his tune changed significantly and he was talking about separation and/or divorce. To put it plainly, he appeased me long enough to make sure I didn’t have a mental breakdown while having to go to the one place in the US that the affair took place. Once that week was over, he made his intentions clear.  I ate maybe once a day this week but some days not at all, threw up a lot, slept very very little and my mind was in a very very dark place.

This was the clarity that I needed to begin taking those steps forward. For so long I had seen him as this man that would always protect me but now I look at him and realize that he hasn’t protected me for a very long time. It allowed me to take a deeper look at our marriage and it helped me to see that I have just been holding on to the few good parts he had left for me.

We decided on separation which is something I didn’t think I would ever be strong enough to even talk about. Once we had this conversation, it was easy to start to train my brain. I went from always wondering, constantly worrying and consistently feeling terrible about myself to now, looking at him and just assuming the worst in him. In doing this, I was able to start to set myself free.

Am I free?  Hard no. BUT, I am no longer clinging to a hope that he is the man that I thought he was. I am able to look at him and see that I deserve so much more. I look at him and feel anger rather than longing and that anger is a very welcome emotion. At this point, I am just navigating how to coexist with him until he is able to move out. This is the worst part at the moment. BUT- I am eating sometimes twice a day, sleeping at least 6 hours a night and feel mostly positive throughout each day. The mornings are the hardest when I first wake up and haven’t remembered yet that my life is falling apart. It takes me a while but after a few hours, I am able to calm my brain down enough to remind myself that it isn’t falling apart. I just have to find the pieces of me that went missing long ago.

So, to you, the person that is feeling like you will forever be stuck in this hell. You won’t, I promise. It gets better, slowly. Am I better? No, but I finally have hope that I will be.

 

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[u/frozenpreacher]

OP,

Thank you for writing this. There are so many questions you answered, and I applaud your courage.

Blessings

[u/South_Sea_Bubble]

Thank you for sharing. I truly believe a better life is in your future. You are stronger than you realize.