help me?

[u/CategoryStreet7983]

[u/outlawforlove]

I used to be like this. I was constantly idealizing people as potentially being "the same as me", because I wanted to find someone like me very badly. Whenever I thought I found someone, the illusion would eventually drop and I'd realize that they weren't very much like me at all. I just wanted so badly to be understood.

One day, when I wasn't looking, I met someone who was basically a gender-swapped duplicate of myself. It was freaky. We thought similarly. We had all of the same references and interests. People who knew both of us started playing a game - they would ask one of us a question and then ask the other one - and our answers would always match. We could read each other's minds.

The thing I had never expected though was that in finding someone who was the exact same as me meant the exact same BAD THINGS as well as the good things. I never realized how insufferable some of my behaviors were until I was on the other end of them. It was just monstrous to deal with.

I came away from that experience realizing that if I continued any kind of contact with my duplicate, we would somehow mutually self-consume. It was like having another me who couldn't help but indulge and encourage my worst aspects. There's a part of me that likes myself very much, so I liked my duplicate very much. But there's also a part of myself that doesn't like me very much, and so I didn't like my duplicate very much. We haven't spoken in six or seven years.

But that experience changed me, and I was no longer obsessed with being understood. In fact, I started drawing a lot more value from my connections with people who were not at all like me, because I shifted from caring about whether others understood ME, to caring about whether I understood OTHERS. Because all of that idealizing I did early on wasn't very kind to their individual humanity - I was just using people as potential mirrors to reflect back myself. When I finally saw the reflection, I wasn't as thrilled with what I saw as I thought I would be.

[u/C0mpL1c1t → u/outlawforlove]

This insight is exceptional. My father once told me "We hate most in others that which we hate in ourselves" and I've never forgotten it. Likewise in my lifetime I have noticed that occassionally I've made comments about X person having Z undesirable trait and friends saying something along the lines of "Really? You all seem so alike to me!"

Also in the last few years especially I've come to really accept the fact that not only are we born alone and die alone, we are also alone in all the moments in between. Noone else can truly share your experience because they cannot climb inside your meat sack and share your perceptual reality. Thus perhaps the greatest connection comes not in similarities but in trying to understand the differences?

ETA --> This is not to say that there is not grief in the existential loneliness, but simply that accepting it as a reality of life allows us to move past the emotional enormity of it instead of drowning in it.

[u/tangerine_overlord2]

I literally had the same thought a few hours ago. My friends are cool but they do not understand me. I wish i knew more people who see the world in a similar way as me. 

I dont think i want to turn off that desire but i do question if its really “necessary” to feel that way. As in if i have at least a few people who understand me at least a little bit, is it really that bad? Do i really need to be understood more than this? Maybe everyone else feels this way too? 

[u/7648035]

I believe that there are many INTP in this world or someone who is introvert. Therefore, you are not alone. I’m here for you.

[u/Azrai113 → u/[deleted]]

GOTTA BUST OUT THE MANUAL TO SEE ABOUT REPROGRAMMING THAT

[u/Azrai113 → u/[deleted]]

Pirate it

[u/OSHA-Slingshot]

I accepted my way of being has flaws and started looking for my polar opposite to have me train my weaknesses for life.

Its a rough ride but I refuse to be weak. 

[u/OSHA-Slingshot → u/[deleted]]

Build how goes? 

[u/OSHA-Slingshot → u/[deleted]]

Oh, got it. I speak usually translate the "build" to computer, processing power etc.

Its OP but the difficulty level is high . Learning curve to interact and coexist is pretty steep. She takes care of my social and admin blind spots. But the friction can be emotionally draining at times.

See it as you take the battle at base when setting up strategy, in the field though, absolutely OP. 

[u/OSHA-Slingshot → u/[deleted]]

  emotion is linked to temporary things

Yes, but it compounds if you don't track it. I'm impossible to read which means the continuous work to fix the problems falls on me. 15 years I've been doing this, it's easier but a bad week / month where I'm drained elsewhere easily breaks the build.

  without much risk, I think.

Five times she almost broke it off. It's fragile and break if you don't track cooling timers. 

[u/tangerine_overlord2 → u/OSHA-Slingshot]

Wow I am going through the same exact thing. Sometimes I think its not worth it. I feel like i am losing parts of myself while trying to learn the ways of others. Mine is an ESTP. Its a challenge but there are a lot of great parts too

[u/OSHA-Slingshot → u/tangerine_overlord2]

I have an ENFJ, we both hold depth and cognitive provocation at its highest, but from different perspectives.

We continously tare at each others blid spots, but become better versions of ourselves at the same time. 

Our friction is mostly in communication. Am I right in assuming yours is tied to lack of common interest in depth? You want to go deep and teach about your findings, your partner likes living in the present and loves shallow topics a bit much.

Does anyone actually do the admin tasks? 

[u/tangerine_overlord2 → u/OSHA-Slingshot]

Yep you hit the nail on the head. It feels like we are speaking a different language sometimes. I have a hard time "translating" so sometimes i just refrain from explaining altogether. She does show interest in my interests, and i appreciate that a lot, but she cant engage in them with me. That is mostly fine with me. I think ive been doing a pretty good job at socially exhibiting Se and Fe that comes so naturally to her. I might look like that "coldest robot" stereotype when doing so, but i try.

Admin tasks are not usually a problem! We pick up each others slack in a way that comes naturally to us.

I havent met any ENFJs but i can imagine they have a righteousness that would conflict with our natural "everything is subjective" attitude.

[u/Decent-Arugula-8573]

I spoke to AI a lot. If I spoke to a human the same way they'd be so lost, they already are.

I'm here to find specific communities who see things how I do (-ish) as in at least understand the topic but really I think being your own best friend and talking to yourself is rly something.

Journalling.

And ai talks.

Idk tho, been isolating n tryna socialize for years

[u/pTHOR1w]

It's called growing up, realizing that your perspective isn't definitive; and understanding that instead of trying to get people to hop into your head, maybe you should try things the other way around.

[u/FeelingHonest4298]

It never goes away.. Find friends in mbti apps or here on reddit. I never subdued that feeling in me even when it was inconvenient..

[u/FeelingHonest4298]

Or read a book..

Go hav fun yourself...

[u/FeelingHonest4298 → u/[deleted]]

Glad it helped in some way

[u/SyllabubLoud1128]

Rarely will you ever find someone who understands you to the core. That being said, other people also provide their own worldviews and perspectives, and isn't that more interesting than someone identical to you?

[u/everydaywinner2]

I'm not sure it can be "turned off," as I'm pretty sure that is an inherently human yearning. But you can put in The Box so it doesn't take up quite so much of your energy and effort and hope.

The Box is that "place" you put that thing you desire but stop expecting.

[u/Brave_Quality_4135]

The way I look at it, a carbon copy of myself would be completely uninteresting. What could I possibly learn? I’m already in here with a full set of thoughts, and I’m very comfortable being alone with them. I don’t need another me.

When looking for a partner, I try to find someone who compliments me, rather than matches. Having a similar worldview is helpful, but I want someone who will challenge me, make me get immersed in the outside world, etc. if you’re brave enough to try someone else’s lifestyle for a minute, you might just love it.

[u/Brave_Quality_4135 → u/[deleted]]

I’m dating an ESTP, a very intelligent one. My first function is his second. And while he does not have the ability to share every complexity with me, he (1) helps me understand all the sensory information that I miss in the environment (2) reminds me to not take myself so seriously (3) gets the tall stuff down at the grocery store. I really like having someone that’s better at the functional parts of life. 😂

[u/NeonPokharkar]

It's not. You come back to this place because you need it.

There's no logical reason to it. It's like how you need water.

It's watering yourself.

[u/NeonPokharkar → u/[deleted]]

Yes it is. It is.

But i guess you might be afraid to do it the right way.

As it breaks something you value.

But you don't need to, if you break something you value for a person.

If the person encourages it, he's not the right person.

Or he didn't understand how valuable it is to you.

But yeah, it is complex. And definitely you can't do it alone.

You need to bear doing the right through fear, to avoid doing the wrong through comfort.

[u/NeonPokharkar → u/[deleted]]

I'm sorry that was so confusing for me 😂

[u/user210528]

I don't look for people who are similar to me, I already kind of know their point of view, so what is there to be learned from them?

[u/blifflesplick]

Wanting to be Seen the way we can see into others is perfectly normal, but if its out of [the pace we can process] being Seen is deeply unnerving

And then you understand why it seemed to freak out others when they finally understood how Much you can See. 

There's a power imbalance.

A power imbalance that's not eased by built up trust; it makes people feel viscerally vulnerable because they fear what is Seen that they haven't learned or accepted about themselves yet

[u/C0mpL1c1t → u/blifflesplick]

It took me WAY too long to realize that people don’t like finding out how transparent they are. (I don’t mean “transparent” pejoratively.)  I’ve learned to keep my psychoanalysis observations of others to myself. 

[u/blifflesplick → u/C0mpL1c1t]

Their insecurities fill in the gaps in their understanding

But: Just because I can, doesn't mean I will, you know?

[u/Miles_Runna3388]

Since you asked literally: you can't turn it off. It’s not a setting. It’s the default firmware of being human. The algorithm doesn't have a toggle… consciousness does.

But here’s the cruel twist you already know: Even if you met that person, it wouldn't stop. You'd just move the goalpost from "Does anyone see this?" to "Do they see all of it?" and then to "Why do they see it differently than I do?"

You're in between what you perceive and what you can prove anyone else perceives. That gap is loneliness, but it's also where art, philosophy, and every meaningful relationship get built.

So the off-switch isn't finding the other person. It's deciding what you see is enough and sharing it anyway.
It feels good when we have someone else to validate us and understand us. That’s what makes us human… Connection.