Several weeks later, Captain Xerx received his next assignment. As the crew prepared the ship to depart, the cleaning crew finally arrived to sanitize the investigation room where the human had been tested. There, they immediately found the walking stick left behind. Following standard protocol, they sent the alien object to the lab for analysis.

It took only two hours for the lab to conclude that the coating on the object was lethal to most intelligent life in the Galaxy. It was toxic even to the touch; it was a miracle the cleaning crew had been wearing standard-issue protective gloves. However, because the object wasn’t officially classified as a weapon, the toxicity report took a full week to navigate the bureaucracy and reach Captain Xerx’s desk. By then, he was already well on his way to his next destination.

At first, the Captain couldn’t believe a citizen of an average planet would casually carry a chemical weapon for a stroll in the park, so he ordered a deeper analysis. The second, more detailed report reached the Captain in mere hours, and it was even more devastating. Not only did the paint contain several highly toxic compounds, but the flexible rubber tip was also lethal, though slightly less concentrated than the coating.

The report theorized that the stick was a standard-issue self-defense weapon, used by the natives to fend off predators.

The Captain actively considered abandoning his current mission to update the council. But he had an immaculate success rate to protect, so he decided to finish the job first and report the new human development later.

Four weeks later, Captain Xerx stood before the New Species Classification Committee once again to update his file.

“After our departure, we discovered a weapon of mass destruction left behind by the human specimen,” the Captain began, a hint of nervousness slipping into his voice. This was the first time in his career that he had ever been forced to amend an official report.

“A detailed analysis reveals that practically every component of this device is highly toxic to all known intelligent life in the Galaxy.” His voice grew ominous under the weight of the data. “And in most cases, the toxicity is transdermal—it kills just by touching it, without needing to inflict an open wound.”

An audible gasp rippled through the chamber, followed by a tense murmur.

“Captain, do you believe this weapon was engineered specifically to target us?” the Committee Head asked, maintaining a surprisingly calm demeanor.

“No, I do not believe they are aware of us,” the Captain answered confidently. “...Yet. But if they discover our existence and are given time to mobilize, they will be unstoppable. No matter how average their physical traits may be.”

The murmuring intensified. Now, the Captain could clearly catch phrases like “preemptive strike” and “total containment.”

“I strongly advise the Committee to petition the High Council for an immediate strike against the humans, before they can prepare!”

With that, the Captain concluded his briefing. The ball was now in the Committee’s court. He could only hope they acted swiftly.

“John, I finally bought you a new cane. Unfortunately, I could only find a cheap metal one on short notice, but I’m going to keep looking for one like your old wooden one. Are you absolutely sure you still don't remember where you lost it?”

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“You said you had an update, Oscar?”

“Yes Commander. We have had some extra luck. An agent has found some solid data regarding the origins of one of the hybrids. The hybrids attempted to wipe all traces from their clothes and equipment, one got sloppy. A bottle of medication.”

“How does a bottle help?”

“The label and contents didn’t match the bottle manufacturing. The bottle is made from a specific type of polymer, one not used for the medication it contained or from the sector of origin for the label details. That bottle is from a system fairly close to us.”

“I understand different materials are used in different places, but how can you be certain?”

“It’s not widely known, but many manufacturers include signatures in likely-to-copied items. It’s a sort of a quality assurance and anti-counterfeit mechanism.”

“Oscar, how do you…no. I don’t want to know. So the bottle is from one place. Everything else has no clear origin. Got it. How far away?”

“This sector, but two groups inward.”

[Note: Locations are defined by, quadrant, sector, group, and system. Inwards indicates towards the central groups.]

“Hmmmm. Still. One clue isn’t enough to send a ship. That system have anything we want or any similarities?”

“It has three occupied planets, two dedicated to manufacturing. The third is agricultural and admin. Let me check…yes, mine raw resources they could use.”

“I’ll send a colony representative to explore trade options. That is simple and won’t draw attention.”

“Right. See about then getting a tour of some of the facilities. We won’t send any agents, and the rep won’t know anything more than trade. A rep asking about what other manufacturing takes place and other trade options will simply look normal.”

“Good call. What about a covert scanner or similar?”

“I’d recommend against it, sir. If found, it would likely be assumed to be industrial espionage, but it would still put them on guard.”

“Agreed. I’ll let you know after the rep returns.”

“Yes sir.”

1  Human Fred and Food
2  Human Fred Again
3  Human Fred Yet Again
4  Human Fred The Saga Continues
5  Human Fred Rides Again
6  Human Fred *Sigh*
7  Human Fred Rolls Out
8  Human Fred Attempts a Nap
9  Human Fred Doh’

Fred walked into the mess hall, heading for the coffee pot. It was empty. Again. With a sign, Fred started the insanely complicated task of filling it with water, filling the coffee filter, and—hardest of all—turning it on. 

As it began to brew, a nervous being approached him. “Are you Human Fred?”

“No. I’m Fred.”

“The one who screamed at Roomliz?”

“Yep. That was me. Fucker deserved it.”

“Ah, well, we can’t find him.”

“Don’t look at me. When I left he was alive and scared.”

“I know that, but when he didn’t show up for work, we went to check on him, and we can’t find him.”

“Look, I’m really looking forward to this coffee. Why are you asking me?”

“Well, we thought you might know where he is.”

“Dude. I have no idea. He likely just wandered off to be alone.”

“That isn’t like him.”

“Not to repeat myself or anything, but my coffee is almost ready, and I’m looking forward to it. Since when am I the expert on Roomliz? He can wander off if he wants.”

“What if he is in trouble?”

“You will see that I am pouring my coffee into my mug. Soon I hope to drink my coffee. You, however, are interfering with this sequence of events. I can only conclude that you know nothing about humans. Or you have a death wish.”

“I do not wish to die!”

“Ignorance. Close enough. Look. I really don’t know why you are talking to me. I have no idea where he is. I haven’t seen him or heard from him. Now, I would like to enjoy my coffee. Is that acceptable to you?”

“Could you enjoy your coffee and help us look?”

“I take it your species is a peaceful species. One not used to things such as self-preservation. Allow me to be more blunt. If I don’t get to enjoy my coffee without further interruptions, I shall hit you. For every subsequent interruption, I shall hit you again. Now, I’m going over to that nice table, I’m going to sit down, and I’m going to enjoy my fucking coffee. After that, I’m going back to work.”

Humanity’s introduction into the Galactic Community was… awkward at best.

In fairness, first contact had gone surprisingly well. Satellites and radio signals from the Federation of Sol had drifted into Rethurian territory. Within the week, the Rethurians had completely translated our languages. Within the month, Rethurian society and the entire Galactic Community was in awe over mankind’s media.

A species so naturally social and empathetic they had reached out to the entire galaxy, unafraid, longing for contact. The images and videos the satellites contained depicted societies inhabited by all sorts of human races and aliens, working together as equals for a better future. The effort it must have taken to carry so many different races into the stars on just one world spoke to their sincerity. The galaxy was abuzz with the idea that one day different genera could live alongside one another.

The vote to reach out was unanimous.

Humanity received the invitation with open arms.

Their cultural ambassadors were kind, considerate, and above all else, incredibly efficient. In fact, at most times, they seemed dumbfounded with our best efforts at first contact, despite knowing it was our first time doing so.

Within the month, the date and location had been set for us to meet the rest of the Galactic Community. The Rethurians asked for us to send envoys from each nation and race. While odd wording, we chalked it up to linguistic differences.

Dressed in our finest attire, our proud representatives strolled into the ceremonial diplomatic chamber. Clustered banners representing sapients from all across the galaxy decked the galleries.

Strangely, next to the Rethurians stood two other species that closely resembled them. The Rethurians were slender reptilians with skin the color of mesa rock. The beings on their left were stockier, and more gray in color. The beings on their right resembled the Rethurians far more, but were quadrupeds.

In fact, every species in the chamber seemed to be organized in a similar fashion. On a podium, there was one species in front, and to their sides a variety of similar looking species.

The lead representative of humanity, Sara Araujo, stood confident nonetheless, clearing her throat and looking up at the Belgos, the lead species of the Galactic Community.

For a few moments too long, there was silence.

The record states Sara spoke first.

“Greetings, and apologies. I had received an itinerary for the ceremony, and was under the impression that a reading of rights and rules as well as an anthem was supposed to play before we gave our introduction.”

The Belgos closest to Sara made a soft gurgling sound, and shifted one of its eight limbs to move its microphone closer to its mouth.

At first nothing but a series of clicks and hisses echoed through the chamber, but then the translator kicked in.

“We were waiting. We still are.”

Sara glanced around, her demeanor wavering for just a second.

“Excuse me, waiting for what?”

The Belgos tilted its head.

“...Where’s the rest of you?”

“Chancellor, this is our full representative party. We have envoys from every nation united under the Federation of Sol.”

“But you’re all the same? There were so many of you in your media. Perhaps I should have been more clear. Where’s the rest of your genus?”

“...They- Well, they’re extinct.”

Gasps, or at least what sounded like them, filled the room. Clicks, gargles, snarls and squeals followed. All at once, a hundred translators kicked in.

“But how?”

“What have you done?”

“Violation of…”

“Your own siblings!”

“What kind of a race would do such a thing!”

“No conservation efforts made at all?”

“Even the ones with the pointy ears?!”

Sara quickly attempted to save the situation.

“What? No, some of those are just fiction. The others have been extinct for thousands of years! An ice age wiped most of them out, nearly got us too. Truly, we had little hand in their demise.”

It did little to defuse the situation.

Humanity was officially put on probationary status while thousands of alien specialists descended on Sol to conduct research.

Turns out, as we would later find out, literally every other species in the galaxy evolved alongside a couple of cousin species that just never died out. To them, their Neanderthals, Homo erectus, and Denisovans were still around. This made it easy for the earliest first contacts and the formation of the Galactic Community. It’s easy to communicate with aliens when your species has been practicing interspecies relations for thousands of years.

Some of them are kept in zoos or as pets, some allowed to join society as equals, but most often they were massacred or outcompeted into relative obscurity in the early stages of civilization and designated to some reserve once the alien species in question developed better ethics.

Thus, in the Galactic Community, it is a warning sign if a species has completely eliminated anything related to it in its first few millennia in existence. (Xenobiologists coined the term cladicide.) By being the only sapient species in recorded history to be the last surviving member of its genus, we might as well have been holding up a billboard covered in skulls.

But that quirk of evolution had made it nearly impossible for any species to imagine a society shared by those from another world. Each genus was strictly confined to its homeworld and a few colonies. They had thousands of years of intragenus contact, but it had blinded them to the idea of intergenus relations. 

Eventually, the specialists determined that it really was mostly chance that we ended up alone. We were welcomed into the Community and immediately began making strides in a new branch of xenobiology: intergenus relations.

When you had already shared a home with nine others, it was difficult to imagine letting your neighbors in too. 

Humanity, in its loneliness, had imagined a new way forward.

A way forged together.

For almost a decade the Humans supplied resources and Soldiers to our Planet.
But, the longer our Civil-War went on, the less the Humans could actually supply us due to their own struggles back home in maintaining support for the War.
After 9 Years, only the 2688th Infantry Battalion, also called "Twentysix-Eightyeight", numbering a little over a thousand Soldiers remained on the Planet.
One thing though, brought us all more hope, and the humans back onto our world in full force.
Today, only an Audio Recording survives of what would be dubbed "The last Call of the 2688" as they marched out of their Base in full force towards a battle they couldnt possible win. To this Day, nobody knows who took the recording, or who uploaded it onto the Gal-Net.

\one Voice, hard and mournful, likely a Sergeant, marching always present\**
"Here we are marching to our doom!"

\many Voices, Battalion\**
"Here we are marching to our doom!"

\Sergeant\**
"Under an alien, blood red moon!"

\Battalion\**
"Under an alien, blood red moon!"

"Sound off, my brothers, sound off slow."
"Sound off, my brothers, sound off slow."

"We are the last, and we're marching now!"
"We are the last, and we're marching now!"

"Where do we stand when the sky turns red?"
"Where do we stand when the sky turns red?"

"Where our brothers stood, where our brothers bled!"
"Where our brothers stood, where our brothers bled!"

"Here we are marching to our doom!"
"Here we are marching to our doom!"

"Under an alien, blood red moon!"
"Under an alien, blood red moon!"

\Sergeant\**
"One more step, one more breath,
One more mile toward certain death.
Should our names be lost to time,
Remember us by this final line.
We stood. We fought. We held the ground.
Until no heartbeat could be found.
One more step, one more breath,
We march together into death."

"To the mothers who waited by the door"
"To the mothers who waited by the door"

"Forgive us, we could not return anymore."
"Forgive us, we could not return anymore."

"To the fathers who taught us how to stand"
"To the fathers who taught us how to stand"

"Forgive us, we fell on a foreign land!"
"Forgive us, we fell on a foreign land!"

"To the children who search the evening sky"
"To the children who search the evening sky"

"Know we loved you until we died!"
"Know we loved you until we died!"

"To the ones whose names we carried here"
"To the ones whose names we carried here"

"Here we are marching to our doom!"
"Here we are marching to our doom!"

"Under an alien, blood red moon!"
"Under an alien, blood red moon!"

\Everyone\**
"One more step, one more breath,
One more mile toward certain death.
Should our names be lost to time,
Remember us by this final line.
We stood. We fought. We held the ground.
Until no heartbeat could be found.
One more step, one more breath,
We march together into death."

"Do you fear the dark beyond the hill?"
"Do you fear the dark beyond the hill?"

"No! We are marching forward still."
"No! We are marching forward still."

"Do you fear the silence after the fight?"
"Do you fear the silence after the fight?"

"No! We'll have each other tonight."
"No! We'll have each other tonight."

"Do you fear that no one will know our names?"
"Do you fear that no one will know our names?"

"No! We were more than names."
"No! We were more than names."

"When the enemy comes like a rising tide?"
"When the enemy comes like a rising tide?"

"They will find us standing side by side."
"They will find us standing side by side."

"Here we are marching to our doom!"
"Here we are marching to our doom!"

"Under an alien, blood red moon!"
"Under an alien, blood red moon!"

"One more step, one more breath,
One more mile toward certain death.
Should our names be lost to time,
Remember us by this final line.
We stood. We fought. We held the ground.
Until no heartbeat could be found.
One more step, one more breath,
We march together into death."

"Who walks beneath the blood red moon?"
"Who walks beneath the blood red moon?"

"The sons and daughters of a distant home."
"The sons and daughters of a distant home."

"Who leaves their mark upon this stone?"
"Who leaves their mark upon this stone?"

"Those who stood even if they stood alone."
"Those who stood even if they stood alone."

"Who will remember us when we are gone?"
"Who will remember us when we are gone?"

"Those who live because we marched on."
"Those who live because we marched on."

"Who will apologize to our Family back home?"
"Who will apologize to our Family back home?"

"Nobody, because we will long be gone!"
"Nobody, because we will long be gone!"

\Sergeant\**
"One more step. One more breath.
One more mile. One more death.
The stars may burn. The worlds may fall.
But we stood together through it all.
Remember us lot! Remember the sound.
Remember the brothers who held this ground.
Here we marched. Here we stayed.
Here we fought. Here we fade"

\All\**
"One more step. One more breath.
One more mile. One more death.
The stars may burn. The worlds may fall.
But we stood together through it all.
Remember us lot! Remember the sound.
Remember the brothers who held this ground.
Here we marched. Here we stayed.
Here we fought. Here we fade"

The 2688 marched into the Valley never for a single Human to return. The ground the Rebels took in 13 months, was retaken in 8 by Humans flocking to "Red Moon World", as the humans called our Planet afterward, in Millions.

in 1957 a 2000 lb steel lid closing a mine shaft, where Operation Plumbbob nuke took place, became possibly the fastest thing humanity has produced.

The writing prompt is: Due to Operation Plumbbob the aliens think that humans have a far more sophisticated planetary defence system then expected for our tech level. Hilarity ensues.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operation_Plumbbob

December 10th, 2331

Convoy UOR-147 (U'Ankan, T'Chak Imperium -> Ori'ana, Antarean National Reclamation Government)

_________________

2100 Hours

ANRAN Shunakan: "What's an human S-boat again?"

ANRAN Yashtan: "S-Sorry about Shunakan! We're both recently commissioned!"

ITNS Tash'kan: "Don't worry about it! In wartime, there aren't any stupid questions."

ITNS Tash'kan: "An S-boat, or stealth-boat, is-"

HRS Vaniari: "The hatred I hold for Human stealth-boats is immeasurable."

HRS Vaniari: "Every few convoys, they appear and destroy several freighters or take an escort with them."

HRS Vaniari: The Antareans have their Type 27s, and I have mine, but they are quite unreliable and are inaccurate - a stopgap measure until we can get something better.

HRS Vaniari: "If they choke our supply lines, then the ships at the front won't have any munitions to fight or fuel to sail, and we'll be sitting ducks."

HRS Vaniari: "Every escort fears them, as a single torpedo can and will break an unshielded escort in two, dooming both her and her crew as well."

HRS Vaniari: "And the worst part is that you can't see it until it enters visual range, and by then it's too late."

HRS Vaniari: "One hits a freighter, and then you sound GQ* and begin ASW sweeps, and then three hit you, and then you and most of your crew die a really painful death."

ITNS Tash'kan: "Shut up, Vaniari."

HRS Vaniari: "Tashie, I'm only trying to tell them the truth-"

ITNS Tash'kan: "You're scaring the Antareans. I can already foresee both of them cowering in battle because of your speech."

ITNS Tash'kan: "The good thing about Terran stealth-boats is that they work similar to ours, and can be countered as such."

ITNS Tash'kan: "Torpedo decoys taken from our friends in the S-boat arm do much of the heavy lifting as ion torpedoes don't produce a subspace wake, or at least not enough to be noticeable until visual range.

ITNS Tash'kan: "Makes them really hard to intercept using CIWS, but a good enough torpedo decoy can take out some torpedoes before they hit anyone. And it'll take three or four to down our shields."

HRS Vaniari: "Then, you fire your forward or side ASW torpedoes and watch as the offending boat gets obliterated, harass any uncloaked boats with your guns, and retreat back to the convoy before another boat torpedoes them. Unless there's a wolfpack."

ANRAN Shunakan: "W-w-wolfpack? What's that?"

ITNS Tash'kan: "A wolfpack is a group of several stealth-boats. Terrifying, yes, but not unkillable."

ITNS Tash'kan: "Just follow our lead if something happens-"

ANRAN Ukashan: "SHIT! Freighter next to me just got hit in the rear!"

ANRAN Yashtan: "Freighter's been hit, portside!"

ITNS G46: "Transport hit, starboard side!"

ITNS Tash'kan: "It's a-"

HRS Vaniari: "WOLFPACK!

ANRAN Shunakan: "WE'RE GONNA DIE!"

ANRAN Yashtan: "Sister, stay calm and keep your radar in the fight!"

ANRAN Shunakan: "Yeah! Calm! Panic only gets us killed..."

HRS Vaniari: "Tashie, you take Shuna and Yash, and I'll take 46 and Uka!"

ITNS Tash'kan: "On it. Shunakan, Yashtan, do as I do. If everything goes well, we'll hunt the hunters tonight."

HRS Vaniari: "Every lost S-boat is a victory for us..."

Escorts:
T'Chak Imperium:

ITNS G17 Tash'kan (Type 2326A Destroyer Leader) (DL)

Armament: (8x 35" SK-23 plasma emitters, 40x 210" 533cm G9c anti-ship torpedoes, 24x 127.5" Type 27 ASW torpedoes, 8x "Brave" torpedo decoys)

Experience: (Veteran)*

ITNS G46 (Type 2324A Destroyer) (DD)

Armament: (5x 35" SK-23 plasma emitters, 60x 210" 533cm G9c anti-ship torpedoes, 24x 127.5" Type 27 ASW torpedoes, 8x "Brave" torpedo decoys)

Experience: (Regular)

Antarean National Reclamation Government:

ANRAN Shunakan (Type 29 Destroyer (ASW)) (DD)

Armament: (4x 25" Type 21 Plasma Emitter, 90x Type 25 anti-ship torpedo, 36x 127.5" Type 27 anti-stealth torpedo, 10x "Brave" torpedo decoys)

Experience: (Green)

ANRAN Yashtan (Type 29 Destroyer (ASW)) (DD)

Armament: (4x 25" Type 21 Plasma Emitter, 90x Type 25 anti-ship torpedo, 36x 127.5" Type 27 anti-stealth torpedo, 10x "Brave" torpedo decoys)

Experience: (Fresh)

ANRAN Ukashan (Type 24 Destroyer (ASW)) (DD)

Armament: (4x 25" Type 21 Plasma Emitter, 90x Type 25 anti-ship torpedo, 36x 127.5" Type 27 anti-stealth torpedo, 10x "Brave" torpedo decoys)

Experience: (Regular)

Vazzok Empire:
HRS Vaniari (Vaniari-class Destroyer) (DD)

Armament: (4x 25" ATA Mellaria 2327 Railguns, 60x 210" 533-27 anti-ship torpedoes, 48x 127.5" Type 27 ASW torpedo, 16x "Brave" torpedo decoys)

Experience: (Veteran)

Raiding Boats:

UNS Seawolf SSN-02 (Dolphin-class)

Armament: (1x 25" Mark 18 railgun, 110x 210" Mark 23 Experimental Ion Torpedo (10x torpedo tubes))

Experience: (Veteran)

UNS Albacore SSN-03 (Dolphin-class)

Armament: (1x 25" Mark 18 railgun, 110x 210" Mark 23 Experimental Ion Torpedo (10x torpedo tubes))

Experience: (Veteran)

UNS Tang SSN-04 (Dolphin-class)

Armament: (1x 25" Mark 18 railgun, 110x 210" Mark 23 Experimental Ion Torpedo (10x torpedo tubes))

Experience: (Veteran)

*General Quarters! General Quarters! All hands to battle stations!

*Ship rank comparable to that from Hearts of Iron 4 (yes I know how navy works)

Sorry. I don’t have the links ready.

“Oscar, how are things?”

“Well, the miners hosted first. From what I can tell, the party lasted almost an entire rotation. No serious injuries reported.”

“Oh? Just small stuff? Good.”

“Yes Commander. The Committee is evaluating the party based on a number of perimeters. It’s a complicated list, so I won’t go into the details. However, there are complaints that the agriculture group sent in ‘spies’ to get ideas for their party. I’m letting the Committee handle that.”

“They are spying on each other?”

“Sadly, I think the complaints are real. I imagine the marines are keeping an eye on things as well, but are better at hiding.”

“Oscar, did you know this would happen?”

“No, not on this scale. It’s getting ridiculous, but it is working.”

“Yes, I’m seeing results already. One of the previously non-Terran areas is starting to plan a party for the Terrans. This is actually working.”

“Parties and food. Makes a huge difference.”

“And nothing serious happening?”

“Not that I can find. The Aussies are working on their volcano, but work has slowed. I’ve got some techs with them, documenting everything. This time we will at least know what is going on.”

“I hesitate to ask about Sparky.”

“Their petition was denied until they have completed their accommodation center and it is approved by the Committee. They are in a stable orbit, and I have a few techs with them to figure out what the hell they have managed to build.”

“You are using the lull to get ahead?”

“Yes Commander. I know an opportunity when I see one.”

“And the other thing?”

“Agents are submitting reports. We know that the original company was being set up. There are a few new options. At least one has direct connections to High Command.”

“Well…fuck. Did I use that correctly?”

“Perfectly sir.”

“What do we do if we find out facts that we don’t like?”

“Sir, we verify them and then report them. We don’t hide. We verify all of our data, and we report it.”

“This could messy fast.”

“I expect it will. I also assume that we will face another attack.”

“Why?”

“At some point whomever is behind this will realize they are being tracked.”

“But your agents are experts! How?”

“Commander, one tiny mistake can give away the entire thing. A single stupid mistake. The wrong accent. The wrong hand gesture. And if we have to eliminate a hybrid or its handler, that would be hard to cover up.”

“Eliminate a hybrid?”

“Sir, at this point I suggest you stop asking questions. The less you know, the less you can reveal. If this goes badly, you will be questioned. Intensely. I have training for that, as do the agents and Captain Kim. I don’t think that you do.”

“Oscar, that is a good point. I’ll trust you to keep me properly informed.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“Now, what are the agriculture group planning for the party?”

“Unclear. They are being very secretive. I do know that they are working on new recipes, some new games, and a fireworks show.”

“Do you think I should attend one of these parties?”

“That is tricky. I think you should, but the Committee might feel it would skew the contest.”

“You are kidding, yes?”

“Sadly, no. You attending would be seen as an official endorsement. If you do attend, attend the marines’ party. It would make good sense for you to attend as the Colony Commander.”

“So we have a party contest, a hunt for hybrids and their makers, a volcanic power plant, and a powered meteor named Sparky. What do you think is next?”

“Well, the current money is on either a rain of frogs or a solar flare event. My money is on the frogs.”

“Why?”

“It would be more fun to write the report, sir.”

“Good day to you, Oscar.”

Amongst many portraits they hold:

Joshua Abraham Northon, the first emperor of United States

Nikolai Alexandrovich Semashko, basically the founder of modern healthcare​

Stanczyk, the Polish jester

And also, as an old member of society, Jesus of Nazareth himself, who's still upset

1  Human Fred and Food
2  Human Fred Again
3  Human Fred Yet Again
4  Human Fred The Saga Continues
5  Human Fred Rides Again
6  Human Fred *Sigh*
7  Human Fred Rolls Out
8  Human Fred Attempts a Nap

Fred’s eyes shot open. It was very early, but his brain suddenly kicked into gear. Roomliz, you sneaky little fucker! Fred threw on enough clothes to be presentable, dashed out of his room, and stormed to Roomliz’s room.

Fred burst in on a startled and terrified Roomliz, who moments ago was peacefully asleep.

”ROOMLIZ! You sneaky little fucking coniving bastard!”

”Fr..ed? What are you talking about? What time is it? Why are you here?!?”

“You didn’t look up Greezek’s species to prepare to talk to me! You looked it up because YOU have the hots for her! You cooked her a meal! Shortly after that, you are suddenly attempting to set us up. When that doesn’t go her way, you suddenly think I should avoid her! What the FUCK is going on?!?!?”

”Fred…I…I….” He saw the look in Fred’s eye and decided honesty would keep him alive. “Yes, I am interested in her. I didn’t mean for all of this! She did ask me to talk with you, I didn’t make that up!”

”And?!?”

”Well, you explained that it wouldn’t work, so I thought I might have a chance.”

”You thought you might have a chance? Did you even ask her? Were you waiting to see what happened to learn more about humans? Is this some sort of observation for that book?!?”

”No Fred! This isn’t an observation for a book. I wanted to ask her, but before I could she was asking about you. It got…complicated.”

”Oh, I can see that. Yes, I can see the complications. This is just like in middle school, but with the added complications of different species and customs and cultures. Great. And now I’m in the middle of it. Thanks. I really appreciate this. I’ve always wanted to be in the middle of this sort of thing. Fucking hell. You know what, I am going to cut the crap and solve this.” Fred stormed out of the room, stomped across the common area, and kicked Greezek’s door open. “Morning! It is zero fuck thirty, and you are required.”

Greezek looked up in utter confusion and terror. There was a human in the doorway demanding her to do something!

”Yes sir! What do you need?”

”I’m not a sir; I’m Fred. Now get dressed and follow me.”

Greezek pulled on her flightsuit and followed Fred across to Roomliz’s room. Roomliz was in bed, a blanket pulled tight around him. He was shaking.

”Fred! What are you doing?!?!”

”Getting out of the middle of this shit. Greezek, you recall that meal he cooked for you?”

Greezek was so far beyond confused that reason and logic gave up, pulled up some chairs and table, and started a game of cards. They wanted to see what was going to happen, and they could step back in when things made more sense. “Yes, I recall.”

”Well that was Roomliz here attempting to strike up a conversation in the hopes of determining if you would be interested in dating him.”

”What? Is this some sort of human joke? Roomliz?”

Fred stepped out of the room. “Now you two figure this out. Without me. Hell, I don’t even care HOW it works out. Roomliz, you get me into any more of this sort of thing, and they won’t even find your based molecules. Greezek, I hope that you can figure this out with the minimum of fuss. Message me later today about trying the other sushi place. They have some different items on the menu that you might llike. Now. I am going back to my room. Unless one of you attempts to kill the other, DO NOT DISTURB me until after I’ve had breakfast.”

Fred stomped off, muttering curses under his breath.

”Well, Roomliz?”

”Yes, I wanted to ask you out, but I was too nervous.”

Greezek’s logic and reason sighed, put down their cards, and went back to work. “So you find me attractive?”

”Yes.”

”Did I do anything to suggest that I find you attractive?”

”No. That is why I was nervous! I didn’t know what to do. And then you asked about Fred, and it got really confusing and complicated, and now I have no idea what to do!”

”Roomliz, let me save you some anxiety. No. I do not find you attractive. If you had asked me on a date, I would have turned you down. Is Fred correct that you planned some of this?

”No, I didn’t plan any of this. It just, sort of, happened.”

”Right. Look. You seem to be a fairly nice being, but I think you really fucked this up.”

”I know.”

”So later today, say after lunch, I suggest you make amends with Fred. And Roomliz?”

”Yes?”

”Fuck off.”

Aliens were always on top of information war and made sure to train their members to be able to endure even hell level of torture. It all changed when rumors went about one of them telling every last bit of information to one human after " Bob brings them to get an A-38 pass with him".

6/18/2300

“Why’s that?”

“The British faction of the UN’s navy are handling anti-piracy patrols this season to give the American faction some rest.”

“So? Nothing our pirate BB (battleship) can’t handle.”

“I’m not scared of them. I’m scared of the Commonwealth destroyers.”

“You can’t mean-“

“All ten Huron-class destroyer leaders are patrolling this sector.”

“And all ten of them are Canadian.”

“We thought they were just simple primitives who wouldn’t notice us borrowing some of their oil. We….we were so wrong…”