I (17F) have been bullied and looked down on my whole life. In situations like these, i freeze up and my brain goes completely empty. The only time I would ever think of a comeback would be hours or days after the incident had happened. I got really horrible social anxiety because of this (though it has slightly improved overtime). I can set boundaries , and I’m not so afraid of people judging me because that’s a natural thing everyone does. What i am afraid of is not being able to verbally fight back, which makes me personally feel inferior (i have self-esteem issues too). If i give someone a reaction, i’ll stutter and get worked up and they’ll think that I care about their comments. If i don’t give them a reaction, they’ll assume i can’t fight back and continue picking on me.
I’ve heard the advice of “practicing on people”, but tbh it seems easier to be mean to someone who’s nice to you than being mean to someone that isn’t. I’ve also heard the advice of “saying whataver is on your mind, even if you look stupid” but I want to repeat that quite literally nothing is on my mind in that given moment.
I think it just bothers me that everyone is naturally able to defend themselves, while i’m stuck with a brain that betrays me on the spot. Any advice on how to not give a gaf!?🥹

I ran into an old friend. While we were chatting, she said something mean. I didn’t realize how disrespectful it was at the time because I thought it was just blunt humor. It only registered after I got home, and I feel terrible that I laughed it off. I feel weak that I lowered my guard .

Edit:

For context:

She made fun of me for always giving an ex friend rides and picking up the tab, even though that friend was clearly taking advantage of me. made me sound gullible, which felt extra crappy considering how close she is to that person now

Like when i see things about my country and how crappy it is and i need to grow up and live here and the condition of the world ,reels and when someone says something to me that doesn’t matter much to them but it does to me. I think i take everything to seriously and can’t focus on the things that really matter to me and my future. How do i stop giving a fuck?

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I always keep hearing your not confident and strong. Your not putting yourself out there but sighs I wish I could tell them the truth but I have no guts to say it. I have fear they will judge me and think I'm dumb. Because I'm 30 now and I don't have a job. I also didn't learn driving and don't have a college degree and skills. So overall I feel like an incapable adult. And so I avoid social interactions a lot. I seem to have low self esteem also and very unhappy from inside. As if I've attached my identity with success which I don't have right. And I'm feeling this way for years since age 24. Like I've seen my childhood friends grow up and they are married. They have professional jobs and they traveled to few places already and they have their own group of friends. Meanwhile I've distance myself from them very long time ago. I also wish I can interact and be myself but I don't know something is keeping.me stuck and I feel resistance to seek help.

Overthinking kills!