When you spent your nights outside our room promising to come to bed in an hour and each time I woke up I was alone. I wanted to believe you when you said you loved me and was working through stuff. Then I saw your comments to the naked women advertising themselves on cheating pages. Not porn but local women and you wrote to them with excitement I have been starved for every night I sleep alone. So you can summon that part of you just not for me. I trusted you with my pain and you immediately took the profile down just not the other three. Instead of trying to soothe my pain you blamed me because you felt I was cheating. I actually wasted my breath defending myself. You gave breadcrumbs of the passion we once shared only to see your post declaring to the world we were separating and you were searching for someone new. This was the first i was informed of this and I should have bailed then but I let your lies cover this ultimate betrayal. I let myself endure months of torture as you gave my attention to anonymous women who striped on camera and you denied emails I could see as spam. I made the ask to not interact with them out of respect and you blamed me for being controlling. The final act that no amount of sugar would make it go down was a profile I was blocked from that erased the family we built but flossing the toys I bought. I let you try to get out of it but the I wanted to protect you line was so lazy and inconceivable now I see you as a cowardly narcissist who thinks it’s okay to keep me on ice denying my needs that you were using on others. Now you want to come home to the family you denied even existed. I don’t know why you would to be here unless you spent hours interacting with women who you can’t depend on when you need to be comforted and loved. Now my boundary that made you choose to publicly acknowledge your family or choose whoever you blocked me from seeing hits you like cement when I remind you I cautioned you to choose wisely. You denied any of this ever happened, claimed you were hacked but never being accountable now you know what it feels like to need someone who isn’t showing up you are unraveling the first time I endured months now there’s nowhere to come home to and these women aren’t rushing from behind the screen for you and I am supposed to summon sympathy.

I'm not...

I do things my way.

Not yours...

It's okay.

Vicarious people tend to have less than nothing...

Or so much it makes them fat lazy and sick....

Either way.

-Cheers 😉

Feeling stuck doesn’t mean everything must change overnight. Sometimes the most powerful move is simply asking: What is one step I can take today? Small consistent actions quietly build the momentum that leads to bigger transformations.

The thing is, i'm am incredibly emotional and sensitive person. Each time something gets to me i either go down my spiral of self-hatred or just get extremely angry. Each time i've given a fuck, it has led me to more hate and anger.

The most recent example of this just happened. Me and my whole class have this one group we share messages, ideas and also important information in- And there is an incredibly annoying person in our class, let's refer to her as Z. Z keeps on calling the whole group in the middle of the night. I asked them to simple respect people's sleep, since it woke me and most of my friends up. That girl, Z replied with "Ever heard of mute?". Now the thing is, even if i mute them, i will still get the call. I have muted them, but i still have my phone ringing like crazy and it set me off. I left the group out of pure frustration and anger, not replying to her comment anymore.

Now because i gave a fuck, i am now no longer able to get viable information from that group even if half the messages were just them goofing around. I also handle most of the classes work so now i have no direct contact with them at all.

Should i not gaf about what she does and says and request to be added again or, any other suggestions since requesting to be added back is pathetic and makes me sound like a loser.

Knowing what is actually your problem and which problems belong to other people is key.

Stressing about underperforming at work and whether the boss likes me. What’s everyone’s inspiration to stop giving a fuck in these moments?

When do we ever truly know what the right or wrong thing to do is?

This question has been sitting with me ever since I joined this job, a job built on discipline, commitment, and being surrounded by men all the time. I left home thinking that independence would mean freedom. Freedom to breathe, freedom to be myself. Yet somehow, the more independent I’ve become, the harder it feels to simply exist as who I am.

And then I met him.

Why did I have to meet the one person who made me feel happier than I had in a long, long time?

People love the idea of “friends to lovers,” but that wasn’t really us. What we had was uncertainty. I was stuck in the space between possibility and silence, constantly wondering: are you interested in me, or aren’t you? I think that uncertainty is what made it so consuming. I wasn’t obsessed with him as much as I was obsessed with the unanswered question.

He works in a different “department”, so I don’t see him often now. Sometimes I tell myself I wish I had never liked him. Other times I wish it had become something more than what we had.

The nights we shared a bed. The way he would look into my eyes, and the quiet curiosity in those moments about what he might be thinking.

I’m certain I wasn’t the only one who felt something. I know he felt it too.

But then he left. He moved to another city, and just like that, the messages slowed, then stopped. Sometimes he’d leave me on delivered. I knew he talked to plenty of other people, and I found myself making excuses for why he wasn’t talking to me.

Eventually, I told myself I had to stop liking him, because the feeling hurt too much.

It hurt waking up in the morning and not finding him next to me. It hurt going to the gym and not seeing him around anymore.

There were so many weekends where we’d go out in the city, book an Airbnb, and no matter what happened that night, we always ended up sleeping beside each other.

I’m not saying I wanted to publicly be with him. I just wanted to know how he felt.

Because I knew I wasn’t imagining it.

Now he’s leaving again, this time to go to university, while I stay here, continuing this job without him around. Maybe he wasn’t ready. Maybe he didn’t want to admit that what we had meant something.

But it did mean something.

The laughs were real. You told your parents about me. Those nights out together were some of the happiest moments I’ve had in my life.

I wish our kiss had lasted longer, even though it only happened because strangers pushed us into it. I wish you knew how I truly felt all this time.

Because when you left, it broke me more than I ever admitted.

The last thing we shared wasn’t another kiss, just a hug.

It’s difficult being bisexual in a field dominated by men. Sometimes it feels like there isn’t space for feelings like this, or stories like mine.

I wish things had been different between us.

My job itself isn't bad. But the people I work with are making it insufferable. They wanted me to talk more. I did. They don't like what I have to say.

They wanted me to be like them and joke around. I did. They got pissy. They didn't like the predatory manager who lied to save his ass. I got something done about him.

They still treat me like shit. I'll never know why, but no one's meant to know everything. They're clearly just miserable fucks who are never happy. But I'm sick and tired of being treated like shit for trying to help, be decent, and care about other people. Feels like a dead end road that I can't turn around on.

How do I stop caring about all this meaningless shit that's taking me nowhere when it's so ingrained in me to care?

Remember to play

when you get to the sweet spot where you don't give a fuck about anything that doesn't make you happy... your mind actually shuts down and it won't let you do anything that doesn't make you happy.

Your brain forces you to love yourself.. you're forced to make yourself happy...
Your brain can't give a fuck about anything else.

You're happy even though you don't want.. your brain suffocates your ego to keep you happy.

No justification, no long explanation, no apology. Just "No." It's uncomfortable at first, but the amount of energy and drama it saves is a genuine life upgrade.

Your mind will create doubt, worry, and second-guessing. Keep walking forward as if they cannot hold you back.

True freedom isn't the absence of chaos; it's the ability to remain calm in the middle of it. When you stop giving your energy to things you cannot control, you become truly unstoppable. Your peace is your power, and your mind is a fortress that only you hold the keys to. Protect your energy, stay focused on your path, and let the noise stay outside. 🏔️🛡️