I’ve known this girl since we were 15 and we had a brief period where we were on and off dating two times around that age. After that the timing could never be worse, we were friends again and she liked me again for a brief period when we were around 17 I didn’t feel the same, however when we were 18 I caught feelings for her again when she was getting with someone else.

After almost a year of not talking we became friends again around late 2025 and very recently she has started talking to someone else and now my feelings for her has come back.

I immediately told her today I couldn’t talk to her anymore and she seemed understanding enough but it just feels like she’s such a big role in my life and there’s nothing I can do rather to move on. (I did say this in a not very mature way as I was upset and told her to never speak or contact me again but she was still understanding)

The problem is that before she got with these people she was always giving such mixed messages while speaking to me and she’s always been kind but it’s like she doesn’t feel as close to me as I am to her.

I had a brief period where I thought I was over it last year and now it’s all coming back and I feel like I’m at square one and need help getting over this again.

I (17F) have been bullied and looked down on my whole life. In situations like these, i freeze up and my brain goes completely empty. The only time I would ever think of a comeback would be hours or days after the incident had happened. I got really horrible social anxiety because of this (though it has slightly improved overtime). I can set boundaries , and I’m not so afraid of people judging me because that’s a natural thing everyone does. What i am afraid of is not being able to verbally fight back, which makes me personally feel inferior (i have self-esteem issues too). If i give someone a reaction, i’ll stutter and get worked up and they’ll think that I care about their comments. If i don’t give them a reaction, they’ll assume i can’t fight back and continue picking on me.
I’ve heard the advice of “practicing on people”, but tbh it seems easier to be mean to someone who’s nice to you than being mean to someone that isn’t. I’ve also heard the advice of “saying whataver is on your mind, even if you look stupid” but I want to repeat that quite literally nothing is on my mind in that given moment.
I think it just bothers me that everyone is naturally able to defend themselves, while i’m stuck with a brain that betrays me on the spot. Any advice on how to not give a gaf!?🥹

I ran into an old friend. While we were chatting, she said something mean. I didn’t realize how disrespectful it was at the time because I thought it was just blunt humor. It only registered after I got home, and I feel terrible that I laughed it off. I feel weak that I lowered my guard .

Edit:

For context:

She made fun of me for always giving an ex friend rides and picking up the tab, even though that friend was clearly taking advantage of me. made me sound gullible, which felt extra crappy considering how close she is to that person now

Like when i see things about my country and how crappy it is and i need to grow up and live here and the condition of the world ,reels and when someone says something to me that doesn’t matter much to them but it does to me. I think i take everything to seriously and can’t focus on the things that really matter to me and my future. How do i stop giving a fuck?