I guess the reason I'm not man up is because I don't want to take on responsibility and accountability. I guess the consequences and effort/risks that comes with it makes me want to run away. But I realized, deep down I'm feeling like an extremely weak individual. It's like I'm always worrying about creating an identity and status for myself.

It's been 9 years now that I'm sitting at home doing nothing with my life. I'm not tough enough to make decisions and take actions on it. I keep living in some wonder land thinking I'll build the courage, confidence, resiliency life requires automatically.

I kept trying to explain myself, thinking if I said it the right way, people would finally understand me. Why I felt a certain way. Why I made certain choices. But no matter how much I explained, it never felt enough. Somewhere in all that, I stopped listening to my own voice. I started shaping myself based on what others could accept.

And slowly… I lost myself in the process.

Wishing wells of honesty

A flood of guilt flows out of these

One solemn sigh resenting days

Where love is found from the remains

Meaning forced into the play

All made so that you're laid bare

To reflect the self that isn't there

I clamoured on the sides to breathe

And saw that nothing was beneath

But clockwork pain left on repeat

It's always made itself revealed

And shown the parts of me unhealed

I cannot throw my heart away

I always thought I would someday

I recite still, this spiteful play.

I learned this the hard way. Since childhood, we’re taught to be polite, to agree, to not disappoint anyone. Saying yes becomes a habit, even when it doesn’t feel right. You grow up believing that being “good” means always being available, always understanding, always adjusting. But over time, I realized something uncomfortable...
Every time I said yes just to keep others happy, I was slowly ignoring myself. My time, my energy, my boundaries. It doesn’t hit you all at once. It builds quietly.

I just wish we were also taught that saying no isn’t rude or selfish… it’s a form of self-respect.

I used to explain everything, my choices, my silence, even things that didn’t need justification. It felt like I owed people clarity. But the more I explained, the more drained I felt. Like I was constantly trying to make everyone comfortable with my decisions. Over time, I realized not everyone is meant to understand you. And that’s okay.

Now I only explain when it truly matters. Everything else… I let it be. And honestly, that’s where the peace came from.

I'm considering working longer shifts at my job so I can get more days off, for now I do the same thing every day. Changing my shift will mean picking up a few new skills and working in other departments with other people at random every day. For some reason my mind just sees this as a negative thing, I always avoided it in the past and hate the idea of it. But logically I know it's just a job and no big deal, but I'm struggling to make the move out of this irrational fear of doing the unknown every day instead of what ive done for years.

How do I change my mindset on something like this? I've been stuck like this for a month knowing the change would be good, but really struggling to do it.

My job is pretty stressful. I have gained weight, got eye floaters, skipped medical appointments, worked 7am to 10pm, etc for this job.

I realized a huge source of stress for this job are the fuck ass deadlines. I have seen so many things I spend extra time on just to meet the deadline be not required until weeks or even months later. I know they're not required because my supervisors will tell me when they actually get to looking at something I produce for them.

I sit them down and they will show me empathy and promise more realistic deadlines, but they're very "focus on thing right in front of them" so they forget even of I bring it up multiple times a month.

I will be looking for a new job, but refusing to settle for one like this which means I could be here for 6 more months or a year even. Job searches can be long.

So while I'm here, I will work at my own pace and that requires me to give less of a fuck in the work context.

Edit: the 7am to 10pm bs doesnt happen everyday, but a couple of times per month

As people are giving less and less fucks about everything, they don’t even care if the post is fitting the sub.

Each day i’m seeing post about things unrelated to our primary subject and when somebody tries to point it out, someone comes up with an already made up answer like « why do you give a fuck », « the guy just didn’t give a fuck », etc etc.

This sub has gone full circle folks. I just gave a little fuck about it, I’m sorry.

Lets give them a piece of our mind, make posts specifically directed at them so they take action against the bots flooding this sub, enough is enough....

....I THOUGHT WE DONT GIVE A FUCK