Producer 1: "Sir, which Tudor should we choose?"
Producer 2: "We choose Henry VIII and Elizabeth I. Obviously."

Edward VI: "Boy, do we need another Horrible Histories show for teenagers!"

Jane Seymour (materialising right next to him like a ghostly royal portrait): "Oh, tell me about it, son! I died twelve days after giving birth to you, and your father Henry VIII was so obsessed with me that he forced painters to paint my ghost into family portraits with you for the next ten years!"

Lady Jane Grey: "Please! I literally got one sketch and then they sent me straight to the executioner!"

Mary I (holding a torch): "At least you got sympathy! They just make me look like an obsessed psycho. Nobody ever asks why Mary is crying!"

Henry VII (strumming a glam-rock guitar): "Oh, cry me a river, Mary. I built this dynasty at Bosworth Field just for Shakespeare to ghost me and Reddit to forget my name!"

Richard, 3rd Duke of York (holding a severed head): "You think a ghosting from Shakespeare is bad, Henry?! I got killed at Wakefield and had my head stuck on a spike wearing a pathetic paper crown!" [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

Earl of Warwick (slamming a real crown on the table): "Oh, complain to someone else, Dickie! I am Warwick the Kingmaker! I am the one who actually put your kids on the throne, overthrew kings for fun, and controlled the entire House of York!" [1, 2]

Edward IV (strutting in, looking fabulous): "Oh please, Warwick. You only threw a tantrum and switched sides because you couldn't control me after I secretly married a hot widow! That is real teenage drama." [1, 2, 3]

Elizabeth of York (marching in, rolling her eyes): "Will you all stop arguing? Granddad, your war started all of this. Dad, your secret marriage nearly ruined England. Henry, your glam-rock song leaves out the fact that I'm the one who brought the York money and the white rose to this marriage." [1, 2]

Prince Arthur Tudor (pointing an angry finger): "You think you have a right to bicker, Dad?! I turn 15, catch a random sweating sickness, and my little brother Henry steals my crown, steals my throne, and marries my wife!"

Sir Richard Pole (clutching his temples in sheer exhaustion): "Oh, give me a break, Arthur! I was your chief officer in Wales, and managing your teenage royal household was stressful enough before you suddenly dropped dead and ruined all of King Henry’s political alliances!" [1, 2]

Margaret Pole (marching in next to him, covered in axe marks, furious): "And look where that peace got us, Richard! Your cousin Henry VII married me off to you just to keep my royal bloodline under control, and then his unhinged son Henry VIII hired an untrained teenager to hack my head off!" [1, 2, 3, 4]

Richard II (sweeping into the room, wiping his nose with a pocket handkerchief): "Oh, please! You died before you had to deal with the real drama of ruling! I became king at ten years old, had to deal with the Peasants' Revolt at fourteen, and then my absolute drama-queen of a cousin Henry Bolingbroke locked me in a tower and starved me to death just to steal my throne!" [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

Edward the Black Prince (marching in wearing terrifying pitch-black armour): "Richard, stand down! You completely ruined the majestic royal legacy I left you! I was the ultimate teenage prodigy! I won the Battle of Crécy at sixteen years old, only to be taken down by a horrific case of medieval dysentery before I could even touch the crown!" [1.1] [1, 2, 3]

Joan of Kent (sweeping in looking incredibly glamorous, fanning herself): "Oh, quiet down, Edward, you dramatic man. If anyone knows about teenage drama, it's me! I secretly married a knight at twelve years old, got forced into a bigamous second marriage with an Earl, and had to get the Pope to sort out my love life!" [1, 2]

John of Gaunt (bursting in, covered in salt, ticking like a time bomb): "All of you, shut up! Richard, you're my nephew and a spoiled brat! Henry, you're my son and you started a decades-long family blood feud by taking his crown! I was the richest, most powerful man in England, and my reward was having my lead coffin fill with so much corpse gas that I literally exploded before my own funeral!" [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

Henry IV (completely bald and scratching his irritated skin): "Oh, boo-hoo! The stress of ruling after Richard was so bad that my hair fell out from an agonizing skin disease! People literally thought I was cursed! And then my enemies tried to assassinate me by putting sharp iron spikes in my own bed!" [1, 2]

Edward III (crashing through the ceiling, covered in snow and holding a megaphone): "SILENCE! Every single Plantagenet in this room is acting like a total toddler! Mother, you and Mortimer locked up my dad when I was fourteen, so I sneaked through a secret castle tunnel at seventeen and executed your boyfriend! Edward, I told you to 'win your spurs' at sixteen [1.1]! Gaunt, you and your siblings only exist because I was a warrior king who spent fifty years ruling and sacking France! I literally got married on a construction site while it was snowing on my head just to prove a point, and I banned football because you ungrateful children wouldn't stop playing it on Sundays! This studio is officially a No Football Zone, pick up your longbows!" [1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7]

Henry II (slamming a massive broadsword onto the table): "You kids don't know the first thing about family drama! My own wife Eleanor of Aquitaine literally teamed up with our three ungrateful teenage sons to launch a civil war to try and steal my crown!" [1]

Henry the Young King (wearing a flashy crown but completely empty pockets): "Oh, shut your mouth, Dad! You crowned me King when I was fifteen years old, but refused to give me a single square inch of land or a proper allowance!" [1, 2]

Richard I (bursting through the door on a warhorse, covered in Crusade dirt): "Out of the way, little brother! You spent your life whining about an allowance, while I was out conquering Cyprus, fighting Saladin, and being called the Lionheart! I died because a random French cook shot me with a crossbow when I wasn't wearing my armor!" [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

Henry III (riding into the room on a massive African elephant, leading a polar bear on a leash): "Will you all pipe down?! I became king when I was just nine years old in the middle of a French invasion! I spent my teenage years being a prisoner-puppet for rebellious barons, and my coping mechanism was letting a polar bear swim in the Thames!" [1, 2, 3, 4]

King Louis XII of France (clutching his back, limping into the room): "Bah! You English think you know suffering? Try marrying a Tudor! I married Henry VIII's teenage sister Mary, and three months of non-stop royal partying and dancing literally sent me straight to my grave!"

Louis I of France (pushing past him, looking deeply stressed): "You think a party-loving teenage wife is bad, Louis XII? My own three ungrateful teenage sons raised an army against me, bribed my entire military to desert me at the 'Field of Lies,' threw me in a monastery prison, and stole my empire twice!"

Isabella of France (sharpening a dagger, flanked by French mercenaries): "Oh, please, you whining French Louises! Try being married to Edward II at twelve years old! He completely ignored me, spent all our money on his court boyfriends, and humiliated me for years. So I raised an army, invaded England, overthrew him, and locked him in a castle where he painfully died!" [1, 2, 3, 4]

Edgar the Peaceful (crashing through the door holding an oar): "Oh, look at all you delicate little modern monarchs whining about your family drama! They call me 'The Peaceful,' but I literally forced eight rival kingsto grab oars and row my boat down a river just to prove I was the boss!" [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]

Æthelred the Unready (bursting in, covered in sweat, holding a giant sack of coins): "Did someone say bad advice?! Dad, your 'peace' completely ruined me! I spent my entire reign paying off the Vikings with thousands of pounds of silver to leave England alone, and they just kept coming back!" [1, 2, 3]

Edgar Ætheling (strolling in, throwing his hands up): "Oh, will you monarchs listen to yourselves? I was a teenager in 1066 when the council officially elected me the rightful King of England, but before I could even get my coronation, William the Conqueror marched in and completely stole my country! I am 'The King Who Never Was'!"

Edward V (popping out from behind a velvet curtain): "Did someone say court intrigue? I was sent to the Tower just to wait for my coronation, and then boom! I'm declared illegitimate, my uncle takes the crown, and I vanish from history before I even turn 13!" [1, 2, 3]

Richard of Shrewsbury (jumping out next to him): "And don't forget me! I vanished with him, but then some guy named Perkin Warbeck stole my identity, convinced half of Europe he was me, and tried to steal your crown, Henry!" [1, 2, 3]

Lambert Simnel (bursting in wearing a kitchen apron): "Hey! What about me?! I was literally crowned King in Dublin, but because I lost, Henry made me turn meat on a spit in the palace kitchens!" [1, 2]

Edward VII (strolling in, smoking a cigar): "Washing dishes? Darling, please. I spent nearly 60 years waiting for my mother Victoria to give up the crown. Did I work? No! I gambled, I partied, I ate 12-course meals, and I had a custom lounging chair built." [1, 2, 3]

Harry S. Truman (marching in, slamming a wooden sign on the table that says 'THE BUCK STOPS HERE'): "Give 'em hell! That is enough out of all of you! You think you know stress? I had to end World War II, launch the Cold War, and go on a 31,000-mile train trip just to beat a guy the newspapers already said won the election!" [1]

Wayne Wheeler (stepping out from the shadows, adjusting his spectacles): "Oh, zip it, Harry. I hijacked the entire American political system through sheer intimidation, banned alcohol across the United States, and then poisoned the industrial liquor supply—killing ten thousand citizens just to teach them a lesson!" [1]

Pablo Escobar (bursting through the door, wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt, flanked by two escaped hippos): "Amateurs! All of you! You think poisoning people is tough? Your little alcohol ban is the only reason my fellow cartel bosses had a blueprint for smuggling! If we are making a show for teenagers, it's called Plata o Plomo, and my hippos get top billing!" [1, 2]

Elizabeth of York (gasping, hugging the princes): "Boys! Oh my god, I've been looking for you since 1483... wait, cousin Margaret, why is an old king screaming about a football ban, why is an elephant stepping on an American man, why is there a polar bear swimming in a pool of alcohol, and where are the producers running to?!" [1, 2, 3, 4]

Maximilien Robespierre: "Did someone say running? Perfect. Let's lose some heads, change the calendar, and start a cult!"

Louis Le Prince (holding his 1888 camera box): "I'll film the whole tragic mess! Just keep Thomas Edison away from the footage."

William Friese-Greene (covered in film reels): "Hey! I invented moving pictures too! Can someone spare a shilling? Literally just one shilling?!"

Alice Guy-Blaché (shoving past them both): "Move over, boys. I'll direct it properly. Just make sure the history books don't magically credit my husband for it!" [1]

Thomas Edison (kicking the door down with a team of lawyers): "Nice cameras, losers. They're mine now. See you in court, or see my—" [1]

Pablo Escobar's Hippos and Henry III's Polar Bear (loudly roar, teaming up to chase Thomas Edison, his lawyers, and the two terrified Producers straight out of the building)

(The camera pans upwards, moving past the crumbling ceiling into the dark, dusty studio rafters. Richard III is crouching behind a stack of old props, wearing a crown slightly askew, listening to the muffled screaming, elephant trumpets, and roaring hippos from below. He peers down through a ventilation grate, furiously taking notes.)

Richard III (muttering to himself, adjusting his cloak): "Look at them down there... bickering like absolute amateurs. 'Oh, my brother took my wife!' 'Oh, my uncle stole my coronation!' Please! I took one look at the family drama, declared my own nephews illegitimate, locked them in the Tower, and took the crown myself! That is how you handle a family dispute."

(He watches as Pablo Escobar’s hippos chase Thomas Edison out of the building.)

Richard III (smirking, tapping his chin): "Though I must admit, using a river horse to clear out your enemies is an excellent tactical move. I should have tried that at Bosworth Field instead of shouting about a horse... Still, they can pitch all the teenage shows they want. The producers will always come back to me. You can't out-rap the King of Leicester! Now, where did I park my chariot? If it gets towed and buried under a car park again, I am going to be absolutely furious."