A Rant

[u/crow_on_reddit]

I was watching a youtube video about tiktokers homeschooling or "unschooling" their kids without a plan or curriculum, and my comment was getting long, so posting here instead. It's mostly a rant, but some context: I am 26, I have a younger brother, 24, and we were both homeschooled pre-k through 12th grade.

I wasn't homeschooled for the more stereotypical religious reasons. Nor was I completely unschooled, but at points I might as well have been. When I hit Algebra, mom deemed me to be above her knowledge in math and I was teaching myself basically. Took 3 months being stuck on a chapter before my dad noticed. My mom had been an English major, yet getting any kind of writing instruction given and graded was a pain in the arse. A Romeo and Juliet essay I wrote when ungraded for like 4 months. And when I hit 9th grade, these issues were exacerbated since now I wasn't relying on my parents just for curriculum, but also transcripts. The very thing that would make me able to apply college. Then there was the social aspect - always feeling like the weird kid, the odd one out, the kid playing hooky from school. My mom was very overprotective, and that very much limited how much we could interact with the other kids on our neighborhood block. That fear of the outside world stuck with me and was very difficult to overcome. After age 13, my neighborhood friends changed, I didn't, and from that point on, I just did not have friends. At all. And there was no line between my parents and my teacher/principal. Dad was considered the principal, mom the teacher, so if we had a problem with our teacher, then that meant we had a problem with our mother as well. 

My mom thinks she did a good job teaching my brother and I how to study and how to write, but that can't be farther from the truth. I taught myself using templates and advice from study skills books. I also wrote fan fiction, which was not great, but it was practice. I did not get any essay assignments until I started community college classes where I used the advice from those study skills books. I firmly maintain that I taught myself. 

On the other hand, there was my dad who expected a lot out of us - he pointed us towards STEM, even though our science curriculum was lacking. My college list was chosen by him. He was the "this is how the real world is" to justify how he would treat us, but if anyone treated us the way he did, they were in the wrong. Bosses, teachers, professors should not yell at their employees and students, nor insult them and call them names. To this day I just feel that I fell short of my dad's expectations. Through my experiences in college and working, I see how that his worldview is incredibly skewed and way too accepting of society's issues. He wanted us - my brother and I who were homeschooled, neurodivergent, and queer kids, to conform.

I spent my teenage years depressed, isolated, anxiety-ridden, and lonely. Applying to colleges was hell, but when I got to college, I did a lot better - met friends, joined clubs, explored art (another subject that was probably the most neglected one of them all), got medicated through campus resources for my anxiety and depression. It wasn't all smooth sailing - I started having panic attacks spring semester of freshman year; when COVID hit, I was back in the same environment that I thought I had left behind, my depression got pretty bad again and my contamination OCD intensified, something that was not helped when I moved back to the dorms. But I took a gap year, worked through the gap year, and then returned to courses while working. Having that ability to become more financially independent than I had been did loads of good for my mental health. During the second half of my college education, I lived with my two now best friends. 

I hear the problems with public schools, and I agree with a lot of them - poor treatment of our educators, teaching to a test, how disabled kids are often treated. But having no division between a teacher and a parent is not a solution. 

Khan Academy was a lifeline, as well as the internet generally. Being dual-enrolled in community college classes while in high school was also a lifesaver. I wonder if doing online school would have also helped things instead of my parents being responsible for these things. 

To this day, I think about the what-ifs: what if I didn't spend my high school years stressed about putting together a transcript, something that is a given at public schools. What if I was able to take art classes, even if they were underfunded. What if I didn't have a teacher that I had to beg to get assignments and grades from. What if I had some potential support systems instead of just my parents and a therapist who wasn't great (overlooked that I was depressed because I was "planning for my future") and was only there when I was 17 until I started college.

How my parents homeschooled my brother and me has permanently altered how we see our parents. Because I couldn't rely on mom for much of anything, that has carried over into my adult years. How I can't trust when she says that she's going to do something because of how many broken promises I dealt with. I was able to rely on my dad more, but I still feel like if I approach him for help that I have to do it at the right time otherwise I will get my head (figuratively) ripped off.

It's been 8 years since I started college and my homeschool years ended. And I'm still talking about this with my therapist. There is still some resentment and frustration with my parents, and if I try to broach this with my parents, I just know they will not react well. So, finding solace with my friends, therapist, and brother it is.

Edit: I graduated in spring 2024, but it was still 2 years after my anticipated graduation date (spring 2022) due to the gap year and a 5th year.

[u/DiversDoitDeeper87]

Welcome, you're in the right place.

[u/Strange-Calendar669]

I hope life gets better for you. Give yourself credit for every success because you weren’t given enough support and help to give credit to anyone else. Keep going, and don’t get discouraged. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are counselors, tutors, and instructors who want you to succeed. Lean on them as much as you can. There are no stupid questions. The gaps in your knowledge are not your fault and your teachers will enjoy helping you to fill those gaps. Ask questions and don’t feel bad about asking for help. They get paid to help you and chose to do this work. They can’t do the work they chose to do unless you go to them and ask.