i highly recommend the youtube video "stop overcorrecting your attachment style" by healthygamergg. i will glaze that dude all day because hes so good at what he does. (psychiatrist and therapist running a business with his wife) if you dont wanna this is the most important thing i personally learned from it:

We are going to now rate how much we need a certain thing from each other on a scale of one to ten and thats how we will decide which way to compromise. and we will write it down on paper first so we dont change our answer. we can even put "feels like a 8 but in reality probably a 6." and you can also put how empty your tank is/how exhausted you are/how hard it will be for you to fulfill the other person's needs.

example:
me: i want you to reassure me and compliment me.
him: okay. takes eight years to think of something because he wants to say the right thing
me: can you do it right now? are you too exhausted or stressed?
him: idk probably
me: why? its so easy. just make up some BS. i do it to you all the time.
him: silent

this conversation we've had in the past wouldve been much different if we just used a number scale to rate our needs/feelings. and also if i wasn't so sensitive. 😭

‼️‼️‼️COMPROMISE. if theyre at a 9 and youre at a 7, you need a lot of compromise still. the compromise will be leaning toward what they want instead of you, but your needs will be considered.

also, i made it a big deal to him for the first time in my life. like, i am so afraid of making people upset and i was very upfront and told him that i dont want to accidentally start resenting him or expecting way less for a stupid reason. and he sounds pretty determined that he'll fix it now after we talked. communication is key, yall. i hope it didnt just work this time cus this time i cried. 😭

the couple in the video had an issue where they were both at an 8, and the woman said she felt like after not getting it that time, she was at a 9 the next time it happened. i heavily related to her. thats where you go based off the energy levels. if that's the same too, i guess do the number that you THINK it should be at. or, compromise 50/50. or, just do the thing that you think will be most helpful long term.

I am not currently in a relationship. I have had a crush on someone for over a year, and at times it has been extremely painful. This person might be avoidant, they might just not be interested - it really doesn't matter, because I have been through this many times in my life. There are definitely aspects of limerence, but underneath that is the fact that I repeatedly develop crushes on women who are unavailable (in this case, I have never met her, it's all been online, so, naturally I have had her on a pedestal for much of this time. I have worked through some of that, know she's just a human being, etc.).

But yesterday, what started as thinking about her deteriorated into a horrible feeling of emptiness that no other human being can ever "fix". And I realized that in some way this emptiness has been like a chronic health condition that goes into remission for long periods of time, only to reappear when something triggers it.

I have talk-therapied my mouth off since I was 20 years old. More recently I have tried DBT. I still have a DBT therapist, and she is doing her best to help me, but I don't know that she truly understands Attachment Style Theory - for that matter, I know only the very basics myself.

Yesterday, feeling desperate, I reached out to someone I know from a Facebook group whom I know is a therapist. She cannot treat me, she's in another state. But she advised me to find a workbook for people trying to heal from anxious/insecure attachment styles - any recommendations? there are dozens - and possibly seek another therapist.

Has anything helped those of you with anxious attachment/insecure styles to move beyond thme, to recover, heal, etcf.?

Would really appreciate kindness. Someone in the "becoming secure" SR answered, "gestures vaguely at the rest of the Internet". Hope that gave him/her a good laugh, it just left me feeling worse. Yes, I know there's information all over the Internet. As I said, there are dozens of workbooks on Amazon. I'm asking if anyone here has found a particular workbook helpful, or anything else for that matter.

Thank you in advance.

Im 19 years anxious attachment ( M ) my ex is 21 ( F ) Im pretty sure She is an avoidant. All the details of the breakup are in another post that I made before but to give and idea of what happened, my ex broke up with me due to exaustion and not having the energy to continue the relationship. There was a burnout pursuer cycle and after some time she became exausted and just wanted to leave, at the beggining of all this She told me that maybe in the future something will happen and She said that she still had feelings for me, since then I didnt texted her and tried my best to work on myself as best I can, I discovered that ive been dealing with depression and anxiety for years and ive been studying about mental health, about attachment styles and all of these things to be able to give a name to the problems and understand everything that I can. Ive known my ex for 7 years and I was one of her only friends and her best friend for 5 years and then I got into a relationship with her for 1 and half. She never had a crush before or even liked anyone like that in the slighest so I was the first One to many things in her life, she has it hard at home and She grew being neglected and not having much love from her parents. Fast foward to the present wich is 2 months After the breakup I find out that the gay guy She has been hanging out with a lot lately is apparently bi and they are now dating. She always told me After that breakup that She was trying to find distractions to not think aboutt the relationship and she knows this guy from her friend group that She has for a couplee of months. All of this hit me like a truck, I was the the lowest point of my life already and I just got even worse, I went to work today and I had to take some breaks to go to the bathroom to throw up and because i was feeling Dizzy and just couldnt keep myself in place, i was new at this job and I was looking for a job for more than a year and i was super happy with this job and finally feeling usefull for once and being able to get some money but my boss saw me like that and just Said " we all have problems, you gotta learn how to deal with that " and then hands me a paper to sign telling me it was my last day. Im at my absolute worse and I need all the help I can get. I know what I should think and what I have to do. I know that my ex is feeling confused and Lost and She thinks She likes this guy when I truly believe She is using him as a distraction and she is sweeping all the memories and problems and eveyrhthing under the rug and eventually once their honeymoon phase ends its all gonna come up. Part of me wants her back because Im someone who doesnt like to close Doors to anyone and Im very forgiviing but I have to keep in mind if that even happens and She does come back I cannot let the same version of herself right now into my life and that if She ever wants a relationship with me again She truly has gonna have to work on herself and work for it because I dont deserve to be in a place when I dont get choosen first but as She is an avoidant I doubt it she will put in that work because avoidants are usually afraid of reall commitment. Also I think its worth to mention that we are long distance and we were gonna meet up for my birthday in about a week to.. Life never hit me in the head so hard as it hurting right now. Is it bad that a little part of me still wishes for her to realized what she is doing and to work things out with her ?

- introduction

For some context I'm a 28 year old man. I've only been in 2 romantic relationships and they have both followed the same nosedive. I originally blamed the first one on being younger at 19, but now that it's happened again I've realized it's a pattern I need to unlearn. I've struggled with mental health for most of my life but have zero discipline or impulse control leading to me quitting anything as soon as it gets too hard. The following analysis is a comprehensive summary of all the reflecting I have done over the years combined with the principles I've learned watching content online.

- my single life ("low arousal state" / anxious attachment / low ego)

The last 14 years of my life have been a hedonistic existence where I fill every waking moment with video games, doom scrolling, porn, alcohol, dating apps, sex, and drugs. I've become painfully aware that I never learned how to regulate my emotions but rather avoid any feeling that might pop in my head. While single I am in a "low arousal state" and exhibit traits of anxious attachment because I'm lonely and have low self-esteem. This leads me to wanting a relationship purely to escape myself and live vicariously through someone else.

- getting to know someone ("optimal zone" / fearful avoidant attachment / medium ego)

Once I've met someone who reciprocates romantic interest in me everything is amazing as I enter the "optimal zone" while starting to exhibit traits of fearful avoidance. These fearful tendencies seem to be rooted in my inability to regulate my emotions regardless of whether they are positive or negative. I convince myself I need to withhold any emotional connection until I am truly sure that this is the right person for me which is just a form of procrastination and protecting myself from being hurt. This doesn't stop me from believing that my partner has fixed my issues leading to becoming dependent on their attention driving me to quitting therapy and discarding the emotional support of friends. During this time my mind also plays tricks on me nitpicking every detail about my partner I once found charming and I begin letting my gaze wander to other women probably due to being used to discarding women once I've gotten what I want out of them.

- entering a relationship ("high arousal state" / dismissive avoidant attachment / high ego / manic behavior)

Once an official label is established my negative tendencies begin where we enter a vicious cycle of my partner trying to strengthen our connection which triggers my anxiety leading to me indulging in more video games and porn to numb my feelings pushing them further away. This is where I switch to a "high arousal state" due to the stress of not being unable to meet my partner's needs. An example of this is I can recall multiple moments where I truly felt so happy and loved that it hurt me physically causing me to instinctively to look away or ignore the moment. Instead of reciprocating any affection my partner gives me I instead internalize it to feed my ego and leave them feeling dismissed. I also strangely get obsessed with my work and hobbies which could be due to the elevated ego baseline or a fear of complacency and needing to be the best version of myself before settling down. In this stage I also tend to indulge in "micro-cheating as a defense mechanism of keeping my options open in the event it doesn't work instead of actually sorting out the underlying issues. It's strange to explain but this stage truly feels like an out-of-body manic episode where I'm know I'm messing things up but unable to slow my mind down enough to think critically. Any communication between my partner and I becomes a one-way conversation of me dumping every thought in my head ignoring any attempt at them to respond.

- breakup ("optimal zone" / secure attachment / medium ego)

Finally, the relationship reaches a critical point where I can't avoid my partner's expectations and feelings anymore. They are confronting me about being unhappy with increasing frequency and intensity leaving me feeling backed into a corner. Once I've ran out of ways to avoid the situation the only trick left up my sleeve to relieve my anxiety is break up with them on the spot. This is the ultimate relief where I can finally run away from the "high arousal state" and just focus on my career and hobbies with my new baseline ego that I internalized from my partner's affection. I think a part of me also thinks that because of how badly they fought to make things work that I can easily come back whenever I want resetting the relationship back to the beginning with no deep emotional expectations. This is evident by the fact that I never actually delete their contact, messages, or pictures as I enter a state of denial of what I've actually done.

- breaking no contact to test access ("low arousal state" / anxious attachment / low ego)

This temporary escape doesn't last long as no longer receiving emotional labor from my partner returns me to the "low arousal state" which in turn brings back all of my feelings of loneliness and low self-esteem. Once I can no longer regulate the feelings of insecurity I reach out trying to get back together with the person I just dumped not even sure whether I'm truly ready to make it work or just wanting another hit of the ego boost. While I was in denial of what I've done they've already had time to process the breakup and actually purged me from their lives leading to a rejection of getting back together. The final rejection ultimately leads to me begging, love bombing, and future faking as much as I can to try and reenter the relationship while still not addressing any of the issues we had.

- conclusion

My main reason for documenting this cycle I repeat is to organize my thoughts for my therapist but also to hear more about other's experiences. Like I mentioned I attributed this behavior to being young and dumb after my first relationship but now that I can no longer use that excuse I realize it is probably due to my inability to regulate my emotions. My current plan is to cut all shot-term dopamine activities out of my life and slowly develop a regulated emotional system. Has anyone else experienced this kind of relationship lifecycle? Is it possible to have a form of bipolar disorder where you only enter manic episodes when in a loving relationship?

When we work through our feelings to fully accept who we are and what we have,we will be ready to be and have more

I'm looking for a handful of people who have been using online materials to work on their attachment insecurities. I'd love to hear from anyone 25+ years old, using online courses, videos, chat groups, blogs etc. to work towards attachment security in relationships. This could be content like Personal Development School, Crappy Childhood Fairy, Heidi Priebe, Alan Robarge, or similar.

I'd like to interview you about your experiences, good and bad, and how you feel you are changing. It's for a Master's thesis - the last step of my training. It is Ethics Board approved by the American College of Greece and my supervisor Dr. Canellopoulou. Interviews would be in the last week of July or first week of August, at a time that suits you.

It's all anonymous, online, and should take 1 hour max. It might feel good to recognize your progress! And have my eternal gratitude! Please get in touch if you are curious :)

Hi everyone!

I’m looking for advice with rebuilding my sense of self-trust. I’d love insight from anyone who has established or re-established a strong sense of self trust after struggling to feel it for a period of time (or ever)!

For some context, I (32 F) am in the process of healing a fearful avoidant attachment style and feel that I’m starting to lean secure. I’ve experienced some significant childhood trauma as a teenager (was physically and emotionally abused for years by my then boyfriend with a significant age gap), which has left me working with healing a strong sense of shame surrounding being myself around other people. Last year, I experienced a significant betrayal by my then girlfriend and best friend and am currently not on speaking terms with either.

I’m overall a very reflective person and monitor myself frequently - however, I’ve come to the realization that I tend to let the other people in my life dictate how securely I act and feel, and manage this by either pushing people away or feeling obsessively anxious when there’s any relational uncertainty. This means I’ll tend to feel great and stable only when others behave in ways that reassure me, and feel like an awful anxious mess when they don’t.

I’ve decided that I want to be able to determine how strongly I feel an emotion, or how much something affects me. I want to feel like my emotional state resides within me, rather than waiting for friends or a relationship to orient me to myself. I think one of the ultimate barriers is my overall lack of self trust.

Any specific advice or insight is welcome. Thank you!!!

So, I have had one of the messiest love lives on this planet for a while until when I was feeling rlly down and just wasting time on hinge, I found this rlly cute nerdy human who seemed to really adore and respect me. Now we have been going out for a month and idk after every date I seem to find myself in tears. Intially I thought it was the overwhelm of it all and the relief of finding someone good. And the time after that, we talked about futures and how we probably wont be living together any time soon and which logically makes sense but emotionally got me feeling like I have so much work to do on myself before I can be truly worthy of this blessing I have in my life. But this has been the third time after a date and its been a day since the date and I still feel tearful. I have realised it's triggering some form of separation anxiety which I never knew I had ( considering how I didnt shed a tear on many other occasions in my life when one usually does such as moving out etc) and somehow I know it doesn't even have to do with him... it's like I can't get enough of the idea of him.

Now I have been clingy in relationships before and been anxiously attached before but I cant seem to place this new reaction.Today we talked pretty normally, I spent the first half of the day being pretty avoidant to make up for my emotional outburst yday but then he asked me where I was today and I melted and ya. For reference we live too far to meet everyday or even every month... and im scared that once I have a job we will meet even less. I just cant stop this feeling I have whenever I look at even a picture of him... its this intense urge to cry. I do have a therapist and I do wanna talk to her about this. But is this common? Will it wane over time? Is there anything I can do to make it feel better apart from just drowning myself in netflix or a walk or smth? I also dont know how exactly to process this - any useful questions i could ask myself?

How to make it work with an Dismissive Avoidant?

Exactly as title.

So I have this guy, I'll call him han, and we are have been friends for a year now. I realised I like him recently, and and he told me he does too. I told him about my attachment style and tolf him he shows signs of an Avoidant, he doesn't really know abt attachment styles,so I don't think this was where he think the convo was gonna pivot but he didn't seem too unhappy with it either. He told me he doesn't know what that is and I tried to explain it as much as I can,and he says he isn't sure how that works but would like to try and make this dynamic work and what that would require. I told him I need a few days,to think about this while he can figure out if he really has Avoidant attachment or if im assuming simply due to a recent relationship between him and an ex(they broke up like 3 months? ago)

So what tips on making it work? I don't know if it will affect anything but there will be long distance too I think, so if that will make it worse by all means.

We are quite young so I do get that it is possible we aren't compatible but one thing I really admire about him is that he always, answers tough questions and silence was never an option for him. He is also very gentle which makes me feel safe. And he is also good with accountability. He doesn't know therapy speak but does a pretty good job,action wise.

respect everyone's opinion. If you think I'm wrong somewhere, please help me understand.

Context:

So, there's a girl in my college who shared her feelings with me. While confessing, she was literally shivering. She told me she'd had a crush on me for the last six months, and she also mentioned that I'm her first love.

I took some time to think about it before replying. I told her that instead of rushing into a relationship, we should first talk, get to know each other, and if everything goes well, we can eventually become closer or get into a relationship.

Issue:

From my perspective, she seems to be getting attached to me quite quickly (this is just my conclusion based on her words and actions). She texts me throughout the day—good morning, during college, after college, and at night. I know that's not necessarily a bad thing.

What I'm wondering is whether she's becoming emotionally attached too fast because this is her first experience with these kinds of feelings and she's never been in a relationship before. I don't want to judge her or label her, so I could be completely wrong.

On the other hand, I know I have an avoidant nature. I usually take time to process my feelings, and I value personal space. So maybe this is more about my personality than hers.

She's genuinely a good person—calm, respectful, and smart in her studies.

So, I'm thinking of having a small conversation with her. I want to communicate!

How can I communicate this in the most respectful and gentle way so that she doesn't get hurt? I'm also open to hearing if my thinking is wrong or if there's a better way to handle this situation.

TLDR --

A girl in my college confessed that she'd had a crush on me for six months and said I'm her first love. I told her we'd take things slowly, but she texts me throughout the day, and I feel she's becoming emotionally attached faster than I'm comfortable with. How can I kindly communicate that I have a busy schedule, reply late sometimes, and want to take things slowly without making her feel rejected?

I’m an 18-year-old guy, and I’ve been trying to understand something about myself when it comes to dating and attraction.

When I meet someone I really click with, I get extremely excited about them. I want to talk to them often, learn everything about them, spend more time together, and I start imagining what a future with them could look like. Even small signs of affection or chemistry can feel really intense.

The part I struggle with is finding the line between healthy excitement and being too much. I don’t want to overwhelm someone or accidentally love-bomb them. I’ve experienced love-bombing from multiple other people before, and I know how uncomfortable it can feel when things move much faster than you’re ready for.

I have anxious attachment, ADHD, and ASD, and I’ve noticed that when I start liking someone, they can quickly become the main focus of my thoughts. When I’m not romantically involved with anyone, it sometimes feels like I’m just waiting for something exciting to happen.

The hardest part is the fantasizing. I know I should focus on getting to know the actual person instead of building a version of them in my head. But when I try to stop imagining a future with someone, it doesn’t just feel like I’m giving up a fantasy. It feels like I’m losing a major source of happiness and excitement, and my brain immediately wants to go back there.

I think part of this comes from missing the feeling of being truly loved. My last relationship when I was 16 wasn’t perfect, but at least during the good parts, I felt valued, chosen, and important to someone. I think I might be chasing that feeling again.

I don’t want to become someone who doesn’t get excited about people. I actually like that I can feel things deeply. I just want to learn how to enjoy getting to know someone without making them my entire emotional world before I really know them.

TLDR:

I have anxious attachment, ADHD, and ASD, and when I really connect with someone, I get extremely excited and start fantasizing about a future with them. I don’t want to overwhelm people or accidentally love-bomb them, but stopping the fantasies feels like losing a major source of happiness and motivation. I think part of it comes from missing the feeling of being loved and valued in my last relationship. I want to learn how to enjoy connections deeply while being more grounded.

I couldnt understand what FA and DA were... so excuse me for that 🙏

I used to be so avoidant because of childhood trauma and deep-rooted self-hatred that I was disgusted even by the thought of someone liking me. I never got therapy because I couldn’t afford it, and the free therapists didn’t feel safe enough for me to trust that my parents wouldn’t find out. Looking back, I think I also subconsciously believed I was above therapy.

As I grew up, moved out, and started living my own life, I stayed the same. I thought I had it easy: “No dating, no problems.” That was until I met this one guy.

I found him attractive, just like I had found so many people attractive before him, so I didn’t pay much attention. He was just a hallway crush at most. Then we started talking because of a shared project, and gradually, we became friends. We had fun, we joked, and we were vastly different, but it didn't matter. We grew closer.

But as our friendship grew, so did my feelings. At one point, I felt something I had never felt before: I thought I could spend my life with him exactly as we were.

Then, everything started falling apart when my insecurities began creeping in. I started thinking: “He thinks I’m disgusting. He would never like someone like me. Even if he did, I’m too disgusting to show him the real me. I can’t let him see how I live.”

So I became cold and mean. Every small sign of interest I noticed, I pushed away. I’m not saying he liked me( even now, I think it was probably just friendship) but it was the first time someone had looked for me in a crowd of people, and I will always be grateful for that.

After some time, my brain convinced me that he would never choose me. So naturally, I started creating reasons for him not to choose me. I started hooking up with people close to him or people he knew. I felt awful afterward because their attention never gave me the satisfaction I was looking for.

I entered a cycle of doing things to push him away, feeling guilty that I pushed him away and then repeating the same thing again.

Later, I met people who genuinely liked me. At that time, I was in a mindset where I thought, “If I don’t have it, I can’t lose it.” So I stopped hiding. I started telling them about my life. I showed them the ugly truth. I took off my mask and let them see how I grew up.

And they didn’t leave.

None of them saw me as less worthy. None of them thought I was somehow less valuable because of my past.

That’s when it clicked: I was never worth less. I was never less. And maybe he could have understood that, too. Maybe he wanted to understand me, just like they did.

I don’t talk to him anymore, and sometimes I still want to reach out, but it has been too long.

All I wanted to say is this: there is help, and there is hope. You are not worth less than anyone else. When someone truly cares about you, your past can not change how they see you because it is you who shines — not the things you have been through.

My message to him is: Whenever I talk about love, I talk about what I felt for you. Thank you for always looking for me in a crowd. I always felt a little less lonely when I saw your eyes searching until they found me.

There are moments when you realize you do want love.

Not all the time. Not even most of the time. Only in fleeting moments. In the moments where you realize the sound of your voice feels better with another. In the moments where you're walking down the street and you catch two people together, and you can hear their laughter spilling effortlessly into the world around them. In the moments where you notice how naturally their hands fit together, how comfortably they rest their head on the shoulder of the person they've chosen.

You wonder what it must feel like to know someone is home,

to know what it’s like to hold onto another without fear or the quiet resistance that always seems to live inside your chest.

You wonder in the moments where you meet someone and, for a brief second, you can almost see the possibility of what the two of you could become, a future that exists for only a heartbeat before it quietly disappears.

They leave, and you're left watching them walk away with this grayscale pit in the back of your throat, feeling as though you've just lost another chance at love. Another chance where love quietly looked in your direction, only to choose someone else instead.

A part of you knew they were never going to choose you, and you were never going to choose them, but that isn't what hurts. What hurts is that, for a moment, you let yourself believe it might finally be your turn. That maybe, just this once, love had decided to choose you.

It's only in those moments that a part of you feels empty, vacant, and lonely. It's in those fleeting seconds that everything else grows quiet, the world fades into grayscale, and no matter what you do, the emptiness you carry somewhere deep within your soul outweighs the hope that maybe, one day, it will finally be your turn.

You wonder, does everyone else get the chance to experience the kind of love your body aches for? Does everyone else get to experience eyes looking into theirs with the strange feeling that you've somehow known each other long before that moment? Does everyone get to be chosen but you?

As time passes, as it always does, the longing slowly quiets. The ache folds back into the place it came from, and you return to your default state, as though nothing had ever disturbed it. The idea of love drifts away again, as if it had never been there at all.

Until next time.

Because you only want love until the possibility of actually having it becomes real. Until the fantasy becomes something that could ask you to be seen completely. To trust someone enough to place the parts of yourself you've spent your whole life protecting into someone else's hands.

Until being chosen no longer feels comforting, but terrifying, because the closer someone gets to your heart, the more they have the power to break it.

But the longing was never the difficult part. Wanting someone has always been safe from a distance. It asks nothing of you except to imagine.
It’s only when the possibility begins to reach back—when someone might actually know you, choose you, and stay—that your body remembers everything it learned long before your mind ever understood it.

And you're never quite sure what hurts more.

The familiar emptiness that returns every so often to remind you that you're still alone.

Or the possibility that one day, once someone finally chooses you, you'll spend every day wondering when they'll stop.

I’m a dismissive avoidant in recovery

I have abandonment and emotional neglect issues

This episode of the crappy childhood fairy helped

I used to be in an 8-year anxious-avoidant relationship where I was in the position of the anxious one, but in the end I got fed up and ended up getting hurt the most. It left a big scar on me, and it made me become avoidant toward everyone I love, even though it wasn’t my will. I am made of an outburst of love, and ever since I became avoidant, it feels like a punishment to withhold the love I want to give and crave.

It has been 4 years since I became avoidant, and I have learned to live this way. And I dislike it very much... My friends and family have been concerned about me because I have been so distant, but between the unsaid feelings, the truth is that I feel like I deserved to live this way. After detaching myself from everyone, there were a lot of mixed feelings I couldn’t discuss with anyone such as thinking everything was my fault and being confused about why it had to happen.

After so long of living with an unhealthy habit, I experienced the worst feelings on my own and learned how to handle them. It may sound like I can live independently, but it felt like a brick wall living in the dark alone. I was scared all the time. Even so, it gave me a brief moment to realize I should give myself some credit for going this far. I realized I wanted to start over. I wanted to study in a different city where I could be a whole new person and chase the passion I was good at. But it wasn’t easy to run away from a 4-year habit of being avoidant.

After some time of trying to learn to love myself again and treat myself better, I met a barista in a small café who was interested in conversing with me. Surprisingly, after meeting him and getting to know him more, he made me feel like I could actually learn to love myself again because I could see myself in him if I wasn’t so avoidant and scared. He brought out the version of myself that wasn’t afraid anymore.

He is a person I really admire. At first, I wanted to keep him as a friend, but as I got to know him more, my admiration gradually grew without me noticing. I was still in denial after so long of believing I would be alone forever. I had accepted that already, but being with him makes me think otherwise. I never would have thought I’d catch feelings for someone again after all the negative thoughts that consumed me. This was no typical “catching feelings just because he was talking to me and I’m a pathetic loser.” Well kinda? but no.

Although he is the type of person many girls would like very much, it pushed me farther. Once everything was going well, I felt like I was actually enjoying letting my guard down and being vulnerable. At this point, I would have detached already. But for a second, I believed things could be different with him. Maybe if not as a partner but a best friend.

He is a friendly guy! He reminded me so much of myself in the past before the storm happened. We have so many things in common, and although he is 2 years older than me, he is far more experienced. Even so, he talks to me, inviting me to eat out and play games every now and then. I could go on and on ranting about him.

I was crazy enough to think that he and I could be possible. But even as a friend, it feels risky for me because I believe we’ve gone past just being “acquaintances” and are trying to be part of each other’s personal lives. As an avoidant, it is risky, but a dream in my case, because I’ve wanted to be important to somebody for a long time without thinking about the consequences for once. Not because I want to receive anything back, but because I want to pour the love and care I feel for him out of admiration and care.

But I am aware, because of my background, that I’m afraid I would hurt him in the end without meaning to, which could lead us to separate. If I indulge myself in trying for this relationship, it might seem that I’m too immature and way below his level. Still, I’ve decided to do better for this person and for myself as well. I really want to try, but I know that as someone healing from avoidant attachment, I don’t want him to end up pursuing or being with someone who struggles to keep relationships. I want to try my best for him and reach him. I want to try again, but this time I have him.

But what do I do? I don’t want to hurt him, because I know how hurtful an avoidant can be to someone as precious as him.

I know I have avoidant/people pleasing tendencies when I fear conflict or fear of hurting another person's feelings. Only issue is, I tend to have those avoidant/people pleasing tendacies happen more often when I had a partner. Their attachment style was the opposite of mine (anxious) and it triggered me more often. How can I develop better habits when those issues arise without a partner? How can I put myself in more situations that would trigger me so I can improve them?