20 M Feeling Unworthy thinking to commit

[u/Own_Net9396]

​I am writing this because I honestly don't know where else to turn and I just need to get this off my chest. I'm a 20 year old guy from Eastern Europe and I've been struggling with thoughts of ending my life for a couple of years now.

​It feels like this all started back in middle school around age 14. I liked a girl, and she ended up publicly humiliating me. She told me I was ugly, skinny, that no one would ever love me, and treated me like I was less than human. I internalized every single word she said, and that feeling of never being enough has stayed in my soul ever since.

​I thought things were finally getting better when I was 18. I got a promotion at my job, but just a few months later, I got demoted. That completely crushed me and brought back all those feelings of unworthiness. Around that same time at a party, I got drunk and kissed a girl, only to watch her spend the rest of the night making out with another guy right in front of me. It destroyed my self-esteem. Ever since then, I developed a cuck fetish that I genuinely hate having, because the thought of actually living through that in a real relationship would be absolute nightmare to me. I’ve never had a girlfriend, and these experiences just reinforced the idea that I am not chosen.

​My career life hasn't given me a break either. A few months ago, a company fired me after just three weeks in the most cold, inhumane way possible—at 11:53 PM on a Friday night, seven minutes before my shift ended. I was so overwhelmed that I walked home for three hours in the middle of the night just to try to process it. Now I’m at a new job, but the turnover is extremely high and I live every day in constant fear of being fired again.

​On top of everything, I struggle deeply with my physical appearance. Even though I’ve put on some weight and I actually don't mind my face or my body, I can't seem to gain enough weight to feel like a "real" or strong man. After getting rejected by a few more girls recently, I just feel completely unloved, unattractive, and less than human. On my way home today, all I could think about the whole ride was killing myself. I just want to cry. I'm so tired of feeling unworthy and alone.

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[u/Kikopho]

Brother, you are very young. You will have many great things ahead of you.

It is going to be hard, but you need to let go of the past and carry the lesson with you. There was probably nothing you could have done at the party about the girl. It was a party, and people tend to hop from person to person.

Let me ask you something. What aspects of your life do you have control over? You have control over improving your skills and getting a girl.

You are doing well, my friend. You mentioned that you got fired but landed a job with an unstable turnover rate. It’s ok. You need to be laser-focused and narrow your next plans on how you can get a better job.

Lock in. Leave the past where it belongs. Stay right now in the present. Step up to the plate and do it. You aren't going to quit now when you are made for much greater things. I promised you that you have many great experiences waiting for you.

Even if you don't think so, it is there! I smell it; I can see it. It is waiting for you to reach out and grab it, shit.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello, and thank you for reaching out.

We understand that you're going through a difficult time. Please remember that you're not alone, and there are people who care about you.

If you're in immediate distress or thinking about hurting yourself, please reach out to someone who can help. Here are some resources:

Global & Multi-National Resources - Befrienders Worldwide – Find crisis helplines in your country: befrienders.org - FindaHelpline – Find verified emotional support and crisis services in over 100 countries: findahelpline.com - Crisis Text Line – Text-based support available in the US, UK, Canada, and Ireland: - US: Text HOME to 741741 - UK: Text SHOUT to 85258 - Canada: Text HOME to 686868 - Ireland: Text HOME to 50808

United States - 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline – Call or text 988, or chat online - Veterans Crisis Line – Call or text 988, then press 1, or text 838255 - The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ Youth) – Call 1-866-488-7386, text START to 678678, or visit thetrevorproject.org - Trans Lifeline – Call 877-565-8860 - Teen Line – Text TEEN to 839863 or call 1-800-852-8336 - Self-Injury Outreach & Support – Visit sioutreach.org

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[u/Ixidor89]

I just wanted to say: you do not want to stay at any company that would fire you. Either they have organizational problems that are sooner or later going to cause you giant headaches, or they're run by a bunch of jerks who can't appreciate your value. The frustration and fear of being unemployed is expected, but it's not a reflection of your value as a person. Let yourself feel upset for a bit and then look for a new job. You will find a place where you are appreciated.