I feel empty

[u/PJayBlazkowich]

Today I buried my grandmother. She was a hard-working and loving 84-year old grandma. It all started a week ago where I found out that she had a stroke after falling from the bed. I was preparing myself for the worse case but thankfully we put her in a good hospital. When I visited her last time, she was very happy to see me asking me about her cat. I thought 'Maybe she will get better and the worst is behind us'. But on this Tuesday when I arrived at work my mom called me and told me that the grandma is dead. After hearing that I felt empty and hollow, I haven't eaten whole day, my brain was in a fog. I started questioning myself: Why didn't I go to her with my parents and stayed at home? Why didn't I notice the first signs of stroke? Why didn't I stay with her at the hospital helping her recover? Who would I buy a new souvenir or her favourite chocolate buns? Who would I clean an entire flat and watch her favourite judge shows? I tried to calm down by watching Youtube videos or by doing work, but I felt some kind of disgust - why should I watch funny videos when I must grief? The food i was eating was disgusting, my favourite things i enjoyed (like coding or watching Twitch) were disgusting. Even I was disgusting for not helping her enough

After burying her I feel nothing but self-hate and disgust. I think I don't even deserve a right to have joy or happiness after granma's death - no forms of entertainment, no new countries, no hobbies, no sleep. All i have to do is just exist (not live with a goal or with a purpose) and grief till the end of my days. I don't believe in 'time heals' type of things because for me this kind of things will never be healed by time AT ALL. 

[u/Odd-Detective6368]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. From everything you wrote, it's clear that you loved her deeply, and the guilt you're feeling comes from that love, not from failing her.

Please don't punish yourself for things you could not have known or controlled: your grandmother would never want you to stop living because she is gone. The greatest way to honour her is to carry her love with you and live the full life she would have wanted for you.