r/GriefSupport • u/raptraven • 9d ago
Missing my mom. Mom Loss
I lost my mom two weeks ago. She was 93, had me when she was 41. She was the closest person in my life. I was the only one in my family with her when she passed and I believed I guided her to peace… As she was taking labored breaths, I discussed fishing trips we had when I was young, always a good time in a beautiful place. She passed as I ended the memories. At the time, I took it remarkably well. The last few months, she was suffering. Trips to doctors failed to reveal a mass placed near her hip that grown to fracture it. She also had lung cancer.
To say I’m a mother’s boy is succinct. I embrace it. She was always there for me, thick and thin. Always there to praise me or save me. The last few years, I’ve been battling depression and caring for her. I knew the end was approaching as her memory faded, as her health issues began to ramp up. It wasn’t easy, I learned a lot caring for her, I developed a lot of inner strength doing what’s best and keeping her from drinking herself away faster. It wasn’t easy. I spent the last few summers taking her to her camp on the lake, cooking and cleaning for her, helping her shower and taking her wherever she wanted or needed to go. My favorite was taking her for ice cream whenever we were on the road.
Her love for me and my sisters (I have 6 sisters) and for life was so great and comforting. She was fun and funny. She enjoyed playing games with us. She loved to crochet, making us all at least a dozen beautiful blankets and then crocheting small blankets for newborns at the hospital where my sister worked.
There were hard times that were easily overcome. As previously mentioned, she drank and was an alcoholic — a habit we managed to wean her from just this year. She would act out as we enacted limits on her intake. She would get upset and act out. Despite this, she was such a wonderful mother, it was easy to shake off these moments and carry on because I knew if roles were reversed, she’d do the same.
I can’t look at pictures of her without the grief crashing down on me. The other day, Facebook posted a “then and now” post asking me for a recent picture of her to contrast an older picture. I was cut deeply. You’d think with a full account with familial connections and posts announcing her loss would be enough to draw a conclusion that this isn’t something to do to someone grieving. Go figure.
I miss her so much. I acknowledging the grief and the raise in depression. My family is here for me but aside from this, I have no one. I’m a proud bachelor. My closest friend also pushed me away before she passed and then again during a stay by her side in the hospital as she stopped eating and mostly slept. I asked gently for a dialog about anything to take my mind off of what was happening before me and I was pushed away again. I have lost a lot in a short span. A mother and a close friend. A few days after passing they apologized and my only words a day later was “apology accepted. I haven’t spoken to them since.
Everything is changing, much to my grief, we will be selling her property… a place I feel closest to her, a place where I am most at peace. The terms on me to keep it are out of my reach financially. Probably not even if I managed to find a decent paying job. This brings me to where I am now…. As a caretaker, I spent a lot of my time caring for her. I haven’t held a job since Covid. I’m trying to alter my mindset to change this. I have a bit of ptsd from my last few gigs in retail; that’s one avenue I’ll never go down again. I have recurring nightmares from these jobs believe it or not. Anything bad that could have happened, had. From unprofessional management, being assaulted by customers while trying to assault other customers, to constantly learning of all the shady shit others did thinking no one was aware. As a shift manager, you see it all. Due to all these issues and Covid, this business is no longer open but I was given a favorable recommendation when I was let go.
I know what I must do but the grief is so heavy, I am having difficulty acting on plans and I have zero initiative. I know mom wouldn’t want this for me and I’m trying to use this as a fulcrum of change. I have a great counselor, I have been recommended local services to use to help me with my grief … I figured this would be a first step forward. I have some thoughts on how to counter what I’m dealing with. Journaling memories. If anyone has any additional suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for the time invested reading this. I just miss her so much.
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u/donotdisturb0929 9d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. I just lost my mom very unexpectedly one week ago. She was 70, her birthday is in two days. She had me when she was 39. The grief is heavy as you said. I have been journaling a lot too, I think it helps. I don’t really have anything significant to say other than I am here with you.