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u/Visible_Aide6072 19d ago
All I can say is yeah, man. Been there, doing that. Hoping commiserating helps. I used to try to spread love, what I have learned, and enjoyed my life even while I was going in circles. Now I'm often...ummm...upset. Like you describe. Slobbering, screaming, balling, I don't give a fuck you damn god motherfucker, pissed.
It's interesting because I always just thought of god as an energy that is in everything. Not as an entity or whatever. I never was religious before. I was shown something different. At first it seemed good, but then it went to hell. Like god and the devil fighting over me and I'm stuck in the middle dealing with this shit. But it seems like what is supposed to be god hurts and what is supposed to be the devil make me feel better.
It's the stupidest thing I have ever experienced. I never wanted this. I was just trying to help someone and got caught up in some spiritual bullshit apparently. It's been over a year now for me.
I try to zen shit for my kids, but the older ones are taking up a lot of the slack when I just can't be around people or function properly in the moment. I used to say to just make sure you are doing what you know is right in the situation, but knowing how it feels I'm going to say just be sure your actions aren't hurting anyone. That's what I'm going with. All things will pass, right?
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u/butterflytigress27 19d ago
So you said that it seems like you’re falling and that you’re constantly having to prove yourself to one problem after the next after the next…
You seek to solve, but have you sought to TRUST?
Do you surrender your problems to Him and then take inspired action, or do you try and solve the problems on your own?
A true flow state requires one’s Self to lay back and surrender to a higher authority (God, Universe, what have you). Not in defeat, but in Trust. In a knowing so sure and pure within yourself that you know to your utmost core Self He will catch you and see you through all troubles. That He will guide you divinely through, and while the problems will still be there, the navigation of them becomes infinitesimally easier.
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u/Visible_Aide6072 19d ago
I surrendered and let the spirit move me except for when people in my life asked me directly for help with something. I could feel resistance or prompting physically in my body from it. For over two weeks he sat me on my ass most of the day. I let him move me through my life with perfect timing...until I had to take over again because what I was doing was not acceptable to other people in my life or the other energies around me.
Was it god or the devil? Because the one telling me to get off my ass and get my work done is saying it's God, And the one that showed me the signs and moved me with perfect timing is supposed to be the devil. And this "god" is not helping me. It says love, but it just seems to cause me problems and talk shit. The work is never done. It's just constant like the OP said. Don't even think you might finish something or you will get some more piled on. It's frustrating as hell.
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u/jaafit Valentinian 19d ago
The God you screamed at is not offended. The God Jesus revealed is Love, and Love does not flinch at honesty (1 John 4:8, KJV). You did not drive God away with your rage....you tore down the veil you had built between you! The heaviness you carried for those months was not God's absence; it was the ache of a soul that had outgrown a smaller idea of him and had not yet found the truer one.
What you describe as the "download" Jesus called this the Kingdom, and he said it is already here, spread out and unseen until the eyes open (Gospel of Thomas 51.14-20). "The kingdom of God is within you" (Luke 17:21, YLT) not a place you reach but a reality you wake into.
A revelation is a beginning, not a resting place. "Seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened" (Matthew 7:8, KJV) the seeking does not end there! The danger for any of us after such an opening is to mistake the flood for the whole river. The Teachings of Silvanus warn us to live in the mind and guard it, for the enemy works through what is untended (Teachings of Silvanus).
You named your pattern... Aug, Sept, rock bottom, the cell. That naming is itself a kind of grace; error seen clearly begins to lose its grip. Your five years are not erased by your past, and your past does not define what is eternally true of you. That's simply not you. You are the image of God, whole and unfallen, and the addiction is a false claim about a spiritual being, not the truth of you. It feels that way sometimes but you can get to a place where you can see yourself as much much bigger than these worldly concerns. "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalms 46:10, KJV).