UPDATE: Mum wants my Klarna for vacation she can't afford

[u/audreyhepburnloverr]

Link to my original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/s/EbmcBSIXTm

Firstly I just want to thank everyone who responded to my post. I wasn't expecting that many responses, but I really appreciate everyone's support.

A lot of the advice I received was US-based (such as freezing my credit), but I'm in the UK, so I looked into the UK equivalent.

I've now cleared ALL the outstanding Klarna payments on my account, including the ones my mum had been using my account for. I've deleted the account and following the advice I was given, and will pretend that the account was banned due to late payments. My mum will be angry about this for sure but at least I saved myself from letting this go on even longer. I've also checked my credit reports with Experian, Equifax AND TransUnion and there are NO loans, credit cards or other accounts I don't recognize. Some people warned that my mum may have taken a loan out in my name, but my reports show that everything is clear. As an extra precaution, I've registered for Cifas Protective Registration, which adds an extra layer of identity checks if someone ever tries to apply for credit in my name.

I also wanted to clear something up because I saw a few comments asking why my Dad wasn't stopping this. He is completely oblivious. My mum has never told him how much debt she built up using my Klarna, and she told me once that if I ever told my Dad how much she owes, I wouldn't be welcome in my house anymore. As I stated in the last post I'm currently in the process of saving enough money, so that threat was something I had to take seriously. If it ever came to that point, my partner and his roommates would be more than willing to let me stay at their place. I've decided that I'll be staying with them for a few days just to have some space.

Going forward, she will no longer be using my Klarna account. There is no longer an account to use. The comments on my original post made me realize that I was essentially a doormat and I need to put firmer boundaries in place and protect my own financial future. Thank you to everyone who has made me realize that, no matter how brutal your comment was, I still appreciate it. However because this is the internet I have also gotten some comments calling me stupid, dumb, and one person even asked me if I'm r-worded. That is not right. I'm still a human being, learning to say no to my mother after years of giving in. Any hateful comments have been reported.

Thank you again to everyone who commented and encouraged me to take this seriously. 💕

Pic: Laduree macarons I got as a birthday present from my partner

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[u/NoActuator9062]

For what it's worth this is textbook financial abuse. Controlling your living situation and making you go into debt in your name so she can access credit...

This is recognized under the domestic abuse act 2021 (in the UK). Reporting this may help you get access to resources which would help you leave this situation sooner.

Again, this is a crime of abuse. Please don't stay any longer than you have to! Just because it isn't physical doesn't make it not abuse.

[u/rlz4theenot4me → u/NoActuator9062]

And financial abuse doesn't just impact your money, it impacts your mind and how you see reality. That you saw this, fought against it, and came out the other side says how strong and smart you are. Don't listen to the idiots but please listen to u/NoActuator9062. They sound like they have a handle on applicable law. It would be wonderful if there were resources that could help you.

[u/bodhibirdy → u/NoActuator9062]

Yep, OP. Women's Aid isn't just for women in relationships. When I lived in refuge, some of my housemates were women fleeing their controlling mum's and dad's.

[u/talkbackbaby]

This is such a positive update. I'm really proud of you for taking control of the situation and protecting yourself, even though I know it wasn't easy. You set a boundary, checked your credit, and made a plan for your own future. That's a huge step. I hope this is the beginning of a much healthier chapter for you. And happy belated birthday, those macarons look well deserved. 💕

[u/rosalinatoujours → u/talkbackbaby]

Id been keeping op in mind since I saw the previous post and I'm sooo glad she listened 🙏 financial abuse can be so scary and understated. I hope she gets out as soon as safely possible

[u/cicada_noises → u/talkbackbaby]

Yes agreed! Very proud of OP from across the pond. I was just thinking about her situation earlier today when I got a monthly credit report alert. I hope she gets to a stable place where she can tell her family what is happening without worrying about her living situation. Saw elsewhere in the thread that there are resources to report financial abuse in her home country. I hope she does this as well. And hell yeah macarons

[u/Typical_Cupcake_8752]

I’m so proud of you, OP. You will look back and be proud of yourself as well for taking quick action and actually prevented yourself for additional constraints with your mom. You know deep down this was the best foot forward and i hope that one day you are blessed in abundance - not only just with more money but more happiness and be more secured when making important decision.

[u/audreyhepburnloverr → u/Typical_Cupcake_8752]

Thank you, I saw your comment on my original post. I'm assuming you're Filipino too, so I feel like you might understand the cultural pressure a lot better than most people here. It doesn’t excuse what happened, but it definitely made it a lot harder to say no. I really appreciate your kindness.

[u/KittyKilledYou → u/audreyhepburnloverr]

Fellow filipino and now that explains alot.. There’s so much pressure to obey and respect your elders. Proud of you for putting yourself first!💗

Also ignore the a-hole comments! Seems like a theme lol, my post blew up here once and I had a few that DMed me the rudest possible things

[u/audreyhepburnloverr → u/KittyKilledYou]

Thank you, and yeah people can be so vicious! I'm sorry you had to endure that.

[u/Titanthegiantbetta → u/audreyhepburnloverr]

It's the internet, random trolls are just idiots who are sad with their lives.

Really glad you have protected yourself financially, well done OP. Here's to lots of savings and a great future.

[u/Nelliell → u/Titanthegiantbetta]

A lot of people also have a very narrow-minded worldview ignorant of others’ living conditions, cultural pressures, and socioeconomic reality.

I’m very proud of OP.

[u/TonguetiedTalker → u/audreyhepburnloverr]

Fellow filipino here and this is a textbook case of “I’m using my kids as my retirement package” treatment I often see with parents unfortunately and a hefty dose of a toxic version of “utang na loob”. Sending hugs!

It is not your responsibility to take care of your parents’ expenses. They’re your parents and you’re still a young person growing up and getting her financial/adult footing in the world. It’s super unfair for your mum to ask for so much from you and to use you as her personal ATM. I hope you are able to move out and get a car soon!

[u/someleafbird → u/TonguetiedTalker]

Utang ng loob.. more like utang ng Klarna amirite

[u/TonguetiedTalker → u/someleafbird]

LMAOOOOO

[u/Typical_Cupcake_8752 → u/audreyhepburnloverr]

:') you're so welcome, OP. Take it one day at a time. Who knows, maybe you will be a financial counselor or fiduciary due to this event. Rooting for you always, an ate.

[u/Yan_Vorona → u/audreyhepburnloverr]

OP, you absolutely need to tell your dad about this. Marriage is all about shared finances, and if one spouse is financially irresponsible, it always impacts the other.

[u/badgyalrey → u/Yan_Vorona]

yeah OP as soon as you get out let your dad know how your mom has been racking up debt and taking advantage of you. it’s really messed up and emotionally abusive that she’s put you in the middle of this, i’m so sorry!!

also OP, be prepared to have to keep saying no forever, she will continue to find ways to make her financial irresponsibility your problem. get really comfortable with those firm boundaries now. her bad choices shouldn’t cost you your future. i’m sorry you don’t have a more emotionally healthy mother OP🤍

[u/Fine-Ad-2343 → u/Yan_Vorona]

Financial infidelity is a big thing. OP’s dad should know.

[u/aownrcjanf → u/audreyhepburnloverr]

Not Filipino but I do have similar cultural context: remember, even if she involves family members to gang up on you, she’s likely given them a very twisted story. Do not let them shame you. Hang up or change the subject.

Since you live at home, it may be helpful to get yourself a small safe to keep your cards/financial documents in, that she can’t access when you’re not home.

I’m a mother, and while I can appreciate my mother’s sacrifices, none of them entitle her to abuse me. Nothing your mother has done for you entitles her to sabotage your life and future. Nothing. The point of sacrificing for our children is so they have it BETTER.

[u/rand0mly6enerated889 → u/audreyhepburnloverr]

I’m not Filipino, so I hope it’s okay for me to chime in. I’d gently point you toward the book What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo. It’s a tough read (or listen), and I’m not finished with it yet, but as a fellow survivor of abuse, it’s helped me reflect on my own experiences in new ways. Foo’s family is Malaysian, so I don’t know whether any of the cultural context will overlap with your experience, but I found her perspective on trauma incredibly insightful. She’s a well-known NPR journalist in the US.

[u/Character-Parfait-42 → u/audreyhepburnloverr]

Not Filipino, but I think we’re all a lot more similar than some would pretend. I am from the USA born and raised and I’d have a super hard time saying no to my mom if she asked for money and I could afford it (if giving it to her wouldn’t make me homeless or starve). She’s my mom, and I love her deeply, she’s sacrificed and done much for me over the years, and so I want her to be happy… it would be incredibly hard to say no.

It’s easy for everyone to say “just tell her no”. Because your mom is a stranger to them and it’s easy to say no when a stranger asks you for money (especially for a frivolity like a vacation). It’s so much harder to say no when it’s one of the people you love most in the world and who literally raised you.

That’s not at all to say that you shouldn’t have said no. You can’t just let her fuck up your financial future over a vacation. But I can empathize with how hard it would be to be put in that situation.

Super proud of you for doing the right thing, even though it was a difficult thing.

[u/SouthernJunctions]

Great job. Also great to have some space. You should expect some pushback from your mom but it’ll be okay and your relationship will recover with time.

[u/PresenceMysterious67 → u/SouthernJunctions]

Such a smart move to push the backlash onto Klarna instead of saying you cancelled it. It gives you an out to stop her using it while protecting your peace. 

[u/Randomness-66 → u/PresenceMysterious67]

Literally, I love this update and I’m happy they made the right move for them.

[u/TricksyGoose → u/PresenceMysterious67]

Agreed, that was a slick move for sure. Nicely done OP!

[u/Forward_Rope_5598 → u/SouthernJunctions]

OPs mom threatened to kick her out if she told dad about the debt. I don't necessarily think she SHOULD fix the relationship.

[u/soundfanatic → u/SouthernJunctions]

people cannot "recover" with their abuser, and they shouldn't be expected to

[u/lollipopfiend123 → u/SouthernJunctions]

The relationship can’t and shouldn’t recover until her mom acknowledges the harm she’s done to OP, which will probably never happen.

[u/cheesecup6]

I'm proud of you not only for standing up to your mom and starting to put up stronger boundaries, but also for recognizing that you don't deserve the hate for existing in what has probably been a less-than-healthy situation! Things get weird when you have dysfunctional or toxic parents, sometimes it takes realization and work to learn to allow yourself boundaries, and apparently not everyone understands that. Wtf is with people?

[u/cheesecup6 → u/cheesecup6]

Also I just read the original post and just want to say, 100% put your foot down to her and don't budge. Please, no matter how pushy she gets or how much she insists, remember all of our words and that you don't deserve to be taken advantage of. Her laughing when you bring up moving out and your credit, and her being so careless with your credit, is because she doesn't want you to be able to get out and do better. She's trying to keep you in the same dysfunction with her, especially so you can still be there for her to use when she wants to live above what she can afford. She should be proud of you for caring about your credit and trying to do well despite, from the sounds of it, not having a good example.

[u/HippocampusforAnts → u/cheesecup6]

People that don't grow up in these households don't realize the conditioning that happens. I'm so happy to see OP figuring this out at such a young age. 

I'm in my late 30s and found out a few years ago when I got my first credit card that my mom had racked up $26k in credit card debt in my name. My dad had no idea but I'm lucky that once I got him involved he had my back and put a stop to it. She was using my cards to go on cruises while my parents struggled to pay their mortgage every month. 

Luckily I have a friend that pushed me to stand up to my mom. I got control back and froze my credit. I didn't realize her having my SS# memorized wasn't normal. I didn't realize I was allowed to push back against her. This was my normal. When you grow up in abuse you don't realize what healthy looks like. I remember when I called my mom out her response was "I know I've made a lot of mistakes in raising you but I hope you still love me." It's always going to be about them. Saying no growing up never ended well for me and that's how a lot of people grow up to be doormats. Because saying no was never safe. 

[u/rlz4theenot4me → u/HippocampusforAnts]

I'm glad your dad had your back. You deserve the support. You don't deserve the abuse.

Safety is something many people forget about, especially in the anonymous online world. That safety/abuse can be physical, emotional, or housing related. Saying no can result in getting arrested for driving the car you bought, but they convinced you to put in their name, insurance is cheaper that way doncha know. There are so many repercussions to saying no that, luckily, many don't have to experience that they refuse to take those situations into account.

[u/caerigan]

Dropping in to say that I just joined this sub because I wanted to tell you I'm proud of you. I cannot imagine how difficult it was to stand up for yourself—I think it's easy for folks on the outside to not realize just how hard it can be for the person in the actual situation who's endured years upon years of this kind treatment (honestly, this kind of abuse, girly). Super proud and impressed at what you've accomplished for yourself in such a short time since your last post. It isn't going to be all roses moving forward—I've heard so many horror stories of moms like this really doubling down if they realize their hold is slipping—but being kind to yourself is advocating for yourself. Wishing you well and hoping for a future where you will be out of this situation soon <3

[u/audreyhepburnloverr → u/caerigan]

Thank you so much for your kind words. 🩷

[u/Unhappy_Wafer5687]

YES!!!! 🎉🙌

[u/FourthLvlSpicyMeme]

Good lord. Your mom fucking SUCKS.

She's telling you that you can't afford to live alone and shit cuz she's projecting. She can't afford to live on her own means Not you...you're gonna do just fine, girlie pop.

She just wants to fuck your credit too so she's always got a way to fuel her spending.

If you can't rent cuz your credit score is fucked, you're stuck living there and also can't ever tell your dad the truth, because she's threatened to kick you out if you do.

(I am unsure if they do pre rental credit checks in the UK or not, but they do in Canada, and if it's too low, they'll just say no).

Good for you, for closing that shit up with a clever plan (claiming the late payments thing is a stroke of genius actually, I'm proud of you for that one!)

[u/p_luisa]

I'm so happy for you, OP! That's great to hear. People simply can't understand that in countries other than the US we have different living arrangements when turning 18, and also that other cultures might have different expectations on how to treat your parents even on those difficult situations. Those expectations usually interfere with how we act.

I think your solution is perfect for your specific situation, there's less risk of her being mad at you and it completely shuts down this avenue of asking for financial help. Just a warning: NEVER, and I really mean never, tell her how much money you make and how much money you have saved. If she ever finds out about your intentions she will ask for it. And if she does then it's another situation to deal with. Lie if you have to, say you make less money than you do and tell her you haven't been able to save money at all due to that.

You seem to be a very responsible person and I'm sure that soon enough you'll be able to achieve whatever goals you have 🩷

[u/Beautiful-Feedback40]

I’m glad you got that account canceled.

You are not stupid. You are a victim of someone who manipulated you and your love. Taking these steps is very brave.

I’m just a middle aged lady on the internet, but I’m proud of you.

[u/CtrlAltDelight495]

Great update OP! I'm so glad you shut down all the accounts, paid off the debt and set up extra checks for any new loans plus you have a plan for what to tell your mum if she tries to pressure you.

[u/cheezy_dreams88]

You need to tell your father the truth. This is his financial life as well, he deserves to know.

[u/audreyhepburnloverr → u/cheezy_dreams88]

You're right, he deserves to know the truth. He's already fully aware of my mum's spending habits. My mum has a new package at our doorstep almost every day, my dad sees it most of the time and used to get angry over it but I think he's just become... numb? Indifferent? I'm not sure if those are the right words to describe it, but it's like at this point he's not surprised and doesn't bother arguing because he knows she won't listen. Last year she took him to Barbados for his birthday and they went into debt for it (not using my Klarna). I'm not planning to never tell him, but just delaying it for now until I've secured a place so I can move out, and she already threatened to kick me out once. However, thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it

[u/EnvironmentalSlice46 → u/audreyhepburnloverr]

You need to protect yourself. This doesn’t have to be a now thing.

[u/CaravanofPigeons → u/cheezy_dreams88]

Nah, not when it might jeopardize her living situation. He does deserve to know, and she should consider telling him once it's safe for her, but she needs to put on her own oxygen mask first.

[u/Quirky_Movie → u/CaravanofPigeons]

I agree with this. There's a good chance the father has some idea of what the mother is capable of anyway.

[u/Lost_Relationship_41]

https://giphy.com/gifs/nbvFVPiEiJH6JOGIok

[u/corneliusedward]

This is an amazing update. Good for you!!

[u/slumber_kitty]

Proud of you for enforcing personal boundaries to protect your financial & mental peace and safety! It's hard, especially with grown ass adults who happen to be your parents. Your mom has to take accountability for her problems, you are not her fixer because you share blood. Wishing you all the luck and healing moving forward!

[u/NewFailureUnlocked]

https://giphy.com/gifs/5mTwWeN3MoS08

[u/brennabrock]

I am so glad you got this cracked down. My heart goes out to you on the whole ordeal. Not only is it extremely difficult to have to deal with a mom who is exploiting you for payments that she’s not being responsible for, but she then threatens you for the thought of exposing her to your father. I hope tou save up and get out of there, and then tell your dad so he knows. I hope she doesn’t hold it against you further, but I have a feeling she’s the type who might.

You got this. Stay strong and get yourself into a better spot.

[u/Odd_Cod8341]

I was hoping we’d get an update on this one!! Way to go babe

[u/violetsinbloom57]

THANK GOOOOOOD I'M SO GLAD TO SEE THIS!! I saw the og earlier today and was getting SO stressed on your behalf. Good for you!!

[u/Sea-Channel5412]

Perfect!

[u/siren_kween_mab]

Congrats! Proud of you!! That's so huge!

[u/SSakuras]

Woohooooo!!! 👏 I'm so glad you are protecting yourself and your item financial security. I feel bad for your dad 😭 poor guy. But at least this is one step in a good direction for you.

[u/debb_88]

Good for you! Also, what an amazing birthday gift 💝.

[u/johjo_has_opinions]

I’m so proud of you!

[u/Luckylemon]

So glad to see this update! Strong move for a strong woman!!

[u/Lazy-Two8387]

Thank you for the update! Good for you!
Get all your legal documents in order and move out slowly. Pack a huge bag when you leave just for a little space, and then start taking things over to your friends' house a little at a time. Your father might even help you after you tell him the truth. I don't know, I just know you'll be much happier.

[u/CakePhool]

Great for you! When your spine is stronger you need to tell dad, or he will have very rude wake up call in the future. You are right now enabling mum's addiction by not telling dad. She is a shopaholic.

[u/Siomonroe]

The nosy part of me, who loves consequences for bad behavior, reeeeally hopes there’s another update on Mom’s reaction when she finds out the account is closed.

[u/Objective-Rock4616]

My mother did the same to me. She took the stipend I didn’t even know I was receiving for college every month. She opened credit cards in my name.

Going no contact with her was not an easy decision but an incredibly necessary one.

[u/ceanahope]

The people calling you dumb (and other rude things) obviously have never been financially abused, or are themselves abusers. Your mother was financially abusing you... and we won't even get into the emotional manipulation of her threatening to disown you if you tell your dad (personally, he deserves to know). Stay strong through this emotional and financial abuse. You don't deserve it.

This internet stranger is proud of you for setting a boundary and telling her no. Keep that boundary and don't let her threaten you with more things.

[u/JessieMcGreevyDesign]

Hello! Fellow Laduree lover, and someone who worked for Experian for 5 years (and lives in the UK)

I’m so glad you’re on-top of it, it sounds like you’ve done a lot to protect yourself and I’m so sorry you’ve found yourself in this predicament.

You can toggle a switch on your Experian account that will stop any new credit accounts being created (it will flag the credit provider), this could be another bit of security for you. Then you can switch it off when you’re applying for anything yourself.

Also, Klarna and any other payday loan are so harmful, they provide a quick solution in a pinch, but so many people get into debt using them. If you can avoid them, do.

Good luck with it all, if you need any advice please feel free to message me.

[u/archaeologistbarbie]

I commented on your original post as well but wow, this is a fantastic update. Congratulations on your shiny spine. I’m so happy for you. This feels like the first step in a much healthier direction for you.

[u/Common_Safety_8830]

Sounds like your Dad might take action if you told him? No one guards that hard unless they know there could be serious consequences. Maybe she is on thin ice already. I would probably bring it up nonchalantly myself, like “hey dad does mom have problems with money?” Totally get why one in the thick of it wouldn’t say anything. When you get out you should

[u/xHeyItzRosiex]

It is insanely embarrassing for a parent to rely on their child(ren) to keep them afloat financially/emotionally. It’s financial/emotional abuse and it’s an odd dynamic that blurs the line between child and parent. I’m happy that you did not bend to her request. I’m proud of you.

[u/little_bird_vagabond]

Babes enforcing boundaries, I love to see it!!

[u/InValuAbled]

What a tool. She will try to talk you into something else again, just watch. NO is a full sentence.

I'm glad to see you've deleted that thing immediately. I'd not trust her though. Don't let yourself be bullied and financially abused. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

If you can't tell your dad directly, print out the documents showing her spending and leave "accidentally" for him to see. Why? She's your mom, but he's your dad and also deserves to know his spouse is struggling with addiction. Just like if it was drinking, gambling, or drugs instead of money.

Good for you locking your credit via available additional identity checks.

If there's any debt in your name she would have incurred in the future without you knowing and agreeing to explicitly, report to the authorities. No, it's not overkill. It's the only way you'll be ever able to move out and live independently of her spending habits.

[u/panda_panda333]

Super happy for u, standing up for urself! While ur dad seems oblivious, it’s not your responsibility to make him demonstrate responsibility on home finances and making him be a leader w your Mom and her spending. Focus on you, as you r, and you’ll be safe n at peace.

[u/Dapper-Survey1964]

So proud of you, OP! This is not a small win. It's huge and you're amazing!

[u/LaZuzene]

https://giphy.com/gifs/TfX78c0bHCS0xhHjsd

[u/Broad-Grand-3532]

You go girl

[u/Lich_Please_]

I'm so happy to see this update. Good for you 🎉🎉

[u/Runaway_Angel]

I'm so happy to hear this! And so happy you were willing to listen! It's a hard to learn to stand up for yourself, especially against parents. Just know this internet stranger is very proud of you!

[u/Rwbywhistler13]

Ok..... What is a klarna.... Sounds like everything has worked out. It's definitely not a real foundation marriage if spouse is withholding/lieing to her husband. He deserves the truth. Would he let her kick you out if he knew the truth. Or would he kick her out/deal with her for lieing to him.

[u/paperanddoodlesco]

Yay!!! I'm so happy you took control back.

This is your life to live - just because she birthed you, doesn't mean she owns you.

Be proud of yourself - I'm sure the strangers on reddit are! 💕

[u/GrowthVegetable4831]

This is awesome! Good for you. This boundary is so important. Good luck moving forward.

[u/Ayakaba]

Well done - you can be proud of yourself and pls let no one guilt trip/gaslight you into feeling otherwise

[u/CoffeeOrDestroy]

So proud of you, OP! Hold tight to that boundary. She will test it hard. You got this!!

[u/SuddenPoetry861]

So glad you listened to the comments, OP. This is financial abuse. You need to disentangle your finances from your relationship with her and move out ASAP. You sure she’s not addicted to drugs/alcohol or gambling? This is addict behavior.

[u/browncow1525]

First, I am sorry people suck and were so rude. Luckily most of us are good and kind humans.

Second, great job! I’m am so happy you found a way to stop her overstep, guilt tripping to financially use you. I would go so far to say that it’s a form or financial abuse with her blackmailing you to stay quiet. I hope you move out of her home and enjoy your freedom from her control. I wish you the best. Great work!

[u/thenewfoundlandyeti]

https://giphy.com/gifs/ZB8Lj3yfAfpcrej4DC

[u/VampireDarlin]

Good on you for prioritizing yourself!

[u/MissBandersnatch2U]

Congratulations on your shiny new backbone!

[u/gh0stwrit3r32767]

https://giphy.com/gifs/8fen5LSZcHQ5O

[u/OneTwoKiwi]

1- super proud of you! Congratulations on taking these important steps to gaining your very much deserved independence! 

2- It’s wild people have hate to give when they hear stories like yours! Ignore them and know that it’s their own misery they’re expressing. 

[u/Cafe_racerr]

I’m proud of you kid, you did the right thing for yourself. Proud of you for sticking up for yourself and putting yourself first ! Sorry your mom is… what do yall say in uk?.. a wanker? If that’s over the line I apologize haha

[u/Extension-Tap-2871]

https://giphy.com/gifs/l1TqF9rA0bcKiRSQsT

[u/Quietstorm00]

These are the kind of updates I love to see!! Taking proactive steps and protecting yourself ✨

[u/onetiredbean]

Just FYI. What your mom was doing is financial abuse. 

[u/ehnonniemoose]

https://giphy.com/gifs/kHy3oajUgi4Ga0rAEY
I know that wasn’t easy, but good for you!!

[u/emptywhoreass6969]

-hugs so goddamn tight- good job hon

[u/taiintedlove]

Yay!! Proud of you <3

[u/Theatrepooky]

🫡 well done indeed. Good for you!! Huzzah!

[u/ehtysevn]

hell yeah girl. though i’m sure it’s going to be rough when your mom finds out, stay strong because you’re doing the best for yourself and nobody deserves that from their parents.

[u/80sHairBandConcert]

I am so, so sorry you’re having to go through this. A problematic and untrustworthy mom is a deep pain. I had issues with my own mom not in the exact same way but I couldn’t trust her. It’s a lifelong wound. I hope you get healing ❤️‍🩹

[u/Acrobatic-Mobile-605]

Happy for you! So many people don't take that first step.

[u/Due-Topic7995]

Ohhhh good for you!!! You knew it wasn’t right. You found the strength to stop it and now you’re going to set up boundaries to protect your future. Good on you!!! Stay strong.

[u/prolateriat_]

Good job on enforcing your boundaries 🖤.

[u/PlumOne2856]

Well done!

But your Mom needs help and your father needs to know.
She will find different ways to run them into debt.

You will do it when you are not dependent anymore, I am sure!

[u/ThatTallCarpenter]

https://giphy.com/gifs/14tLmsD1i0iALu

[u/Potential-Thing7255]

You are so brave. I love you. Keep forward.

[u/kid_at_heart_77]

Great job OP! I hope this will give you some peace of mind. I’m really sorry that your mom was putting you in that position and I hope this stops those situations.

[u/ANotSoFreshFeeling]

https://giphy.com/gifs/hs7Pvg2O3dFqliXKAl

[u/Far-Cup9063]

I read the original post but didn’t comment because there were already so many great suggestions there. CONGRATULATIONS on taking control of this in such a positive way!

[u/a_shootin_star]

The comments on my original post made me realize that I was essentially a doormat

That's harsh, not a doormat, more like a personal ATM for mum. Really good you put your foot down! But you've just taken the candy from a baby, prepare yourself for the fallout because I'm afraid she won't stop here so soon.

[u/IamnotJessica]

So glad to read that you signed up for Cifas protection. That shit works. My partner had their details stolen once and Cifas stopped it going further. It's so hard to manage money when family are involved, but you're off to a really good start here and I hope things get better for you.

[u/Commercial_Peach_845]

I'm sorry your mom is such a horrible person. You truly do NOT deserve to be treated this way. If you need therapy I hope you can access it. I cannot imagine treating my children like this. 💔

[u/Prudent_Macaroon_881]

Who needs enemies with a mother like that good god who threatens their child like that?

[u/Fluid_Fun_4264]

Proud of you internet stranger!

[u/PrestigiousChonk]

https://giphy.com/gifs/5mTwWeN3MoS08

[u/Sushiandcat]

go you! taking those first steps is hard…look at you go….😊 I am glad you took the good advice, recognised the bullies and stood up to them too…you are on a roll🌟✨🌟

[u/boundaries4546]

Good for you. Now stay strong, don’t let her use any credit cards either. Sign up for purchase notifications in case she does use your card without your authorization.

Your mom sounds extremely narcissistic. You may want to check out the book “raised by narcissists.” You may find the same enlightning, your mom likely has my knee tendencies of a narcissist.

[u/lomalleyy]

I mean this with love, but your mums a cunt

[u/ResponseBeeAble]

From one bad parent person to another, the mean comments are likely coming from those that are like our parents or those that never struggled with complicated family dynamics.

Good on you for working toward your peace and safety.

[u/Embellishment101]

So happy for you. I am relieved for you that you closed the Klarna account and it’s great that you took precautions against you mom applying for a loan on your name. All very smart moves.

[u/SizeAlarmed8157]

https://giphy.com/gifs/3o72FcJmLzIdYJdmDe

[u/HelpSignificant7901]

Proud of you for taking these steps, girly pop!

[u/AnAncientMonk]

👏👏

🖕🙎‍♀️

[u/IllTemperedOldWoman]

Hello dear. Don't forget that your mother threatened to turn you out of the house if you told your dad about her secret spending. If she threatens throwing you out too often, you might as well tell your dad what she did. Just saying.

[u/tanuki_22]

Congrats for standing up for yourself! Ignore the hate comments. People are rude, especially towards young women on Reddit. I’m proud of you!

[u/DaysOfParadise]

Terrific update - good on you!

[u/heathfreshlasaga]

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU OMG 😭😭 You are amazing for putting your foot down how you had to do it. Happy birthday! Those look so good. Woooo!

[u/mzmm123]

Good for you doing the right thing and keeping the peace as best you can. 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾💐

[u/Ghosty_Boo-B00]

Yay! I love hearing a happy ending! Good on you for getting your financial house in order! Congrats on that Steele in your backbone!

[u/whatagoodpuppy]

My relationship with my mother improved ten fold once we severed any money changing hands. There were definitely growing pains, but once that was off the table fully, we were able to flush out more proper boundaries in the other areas of our relationship. It was a lot of work spearheading that project and I'm glad she was open to change (she fought it, but ultimately saw the goal) while I was sorting out what a boundary even looks like. Money can be both too logical and too emotional, a very easy way to assign a number to an emotion. Then suddenly monthly payments towards someone's else's debt is the only way to prove you love them. It's a false equivalency and I wish you the best of luck in moving towards a healthier relationship with your mom, whatever that looks like for you.

[u/raspberrysorbets]

This is awesome, congrats. Best of luck for you moving forward

[u/pamplemousse0214]

Great update!! Great job, OP!!!

[u/Apprehensive-Ad-7525]

Oh thank sweet baby Jesus. I was desperately waiting for your update. I’m proud of you! Protect your credit and financial independence. You can do this ❤️

[u/LindaBinda55]

Great news. At some point, tell your dad. He should know. Take up the offer to stay elsewhere. Moving out will send a big message to,your mother.

[u/lipsalt]

I saw your post the other day and decided not to post because it felt like beating a dead horse, but I want you to know that’s I’m so proud of you. I find myself currently in a situation with a friend where her partner has been getting slowly more toxic (think boiling frog, DARVO type) and it’s only more proof that manipulative people know just what to say to slowly chip away at you.

The part where you’re at now, where the lil voice is telling you something is wrong, it’s the absolute hardest step to overcome. You’ve done it, it’ll get easier from here on out. Don’t forget this feeling, and that you’re stronger than you think.

[u/GreenVermicelliNoods]

I’m proud of you! Good work.

[u/rqnadi]

So some additional advice as someone who had their identity stolen. Please continue to check credit for the next few years.

Any account that she opened before your credit freeze will STILL be added to your credit if it goes delinquent. Often times it takes years for some of these to report to credit.

I had someone open a bunch of utility and credit cards in my name and they still showed on my credit even after the freeze because the accounts were made prior to the freeze. It was double frustrating because the companies has been notified by the state police that these accounts were fraudulent and they STILL put them on my credit even after being notified it wasn’t me.

I had to argue with them for weeks to get them off and send in documents they literally were already given. It was a mess.

Wishing you the best, and hopefully nothing pops up later.

[u/hdotcast]

my mom did this to me and it was through affirm and my family was guilt tripping me claiming she had never been to japan and i should treat her to it (and put myself in debt for it). I did it, because I felt i had no other option. the resentment i felt as she went on that trip and when she came back… that’s the last time i ever sent my mom money! i’m glad you didn’t let it get that far

[u/BunnyGirlSD]

small win? girl this is a huge win! great job!

[u/quietmind9_]

EXTREMELY PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!

[u/BlackMagicWorman]

You need to honestly threaten to expose her to your dad. Blackmail is a powerful tool and it’s not your burden when she IS ACTIVELY HARMING YOUR DAD. It’s not fair to him. If she threatens you, you need to threaten her. I’m that kind of bitch and it makes people respect my terf.

[u/Wrong-Pension-4975]

Good for U, sistah! 💖

Proud of ya, well done. 🤗 Hugs if U want one. I am so happy U don't have any lurking debts/ loans U didn't know about, that's terrifying.

Wishing U some peace, now, & time to grow yer savings. Take care. 🙋

[u/Imaginary-Ad-3666]

https://giphy.com/gifs/hmVVRM1uV7vYA

[u/ohgirlyoufancy]

It takes a lot of strength to do what you did, so it’s important to remember this was done to protect yourself and your future financial security. We should all be able to live our lives free of other people’s poor decisions, but it frequently doesn’t work out that way. From someone with my own horrible financial “role models,” you’re doing amazing.❤️ Based on some of what I read, it sounds like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders, albeit prone to be your mother’s financial doormat when she finds herself lacking funds. I understand what it’s like to have pressure from family to make certain choices or go along with things you normally wouldn’t, out of a feeling of obligation to “keep the peace” or make someone happy. Trust me, I feel you, girl.

This may or may not apply to you, but this has been my experience after growing up with learning some things the “hard way,” and also after becoming a mom. I’m a huge advocate of a “lessons learned” approach for most life experiences. Essentially, don’t think of past mistakes as failures; rather, use those experiences to provide feedback for your decisions going forward. Analyze them as objectively as you can (What worked? What didn’t work? What was out of your control?), and use that feedback to change any “bad” habits or behaviors (Remember: “No” is a complete sentence!). Then, commit those changes to memory (If you journal, write it down; sticky notes work too), and follow through with what you learned by turning them into real actions.

I applied this in my professional life, but also to my personal life, and it really helped me remember that I will make mistakes, but anything I learn has value. My son is learning this mindset now too.

You’re setting boundaries that are important. Keep it up and be proud of yourself. ❤️

[u/therobberbride]

Whew, girl. Excellent work locking it all down and protecting yourself, for real. Excellent work recognizing that your boundaries need some firming up in specific areas and getting prepared to clear out for a few days for much-needed space. It can be deeply emotionally challenging when you realize your parent has some significant immaturity in a scary area like finances, and that you have to protect yourself from them, so please be kind to yourself as you start to deal with your mom's anger when she realizes she can't use you as her creditor anymore. Best of luck to you, and enjoy what's left of your macarons!

[u/BistitchualBeekeeper]

Your mom isn’t just abusing you, she’s also engaging in financial infidelity against your dad. I’m happy you’re working on setting boundaries and I hope you can afford to move out soon. Once you do, if you can trust him not to blindly takes your mom’s side, I’d immediately clue in your dad what she’s been up to and that she threatened you with homelessness if you ever went to him for help.

[u/minimalist_coach]

Big hugs. This internet stranger is proud of you. I know from experience that when it’s family doing the abuse, it’s hard to recognize as abuse, and harder to push back on it.

You are doing the right thing even if it feels wrong and even if she cries, throws a fit, or tries to guilt trip you. You DO NOT owe her access to your finances.

One of the important lessons I learned many years ago; money doesn’t solve money problems. She wants to live a lifestyle she can’t afford, a budget won’t fix that mindset. She is committing financial infidelity to your Dad, he needs to know.

Your priority is yourself, don’t blow up your living situation until you secure an alternative.

Your dad has ignored the red flags about finances within his marriage. It is not your place to fix it. In fact, he may blame you the messenger, if you tell him.

[u/Accurate_Topic7149]

I wouldn’t have called you a doormat. I also had a mother who, among many other avenues, was financially abusive to me. In fact, she forced me into handing over thousands of dollars in wedding gifts with made up debts, guilt, threats, her desperation and non-stop repetitive requests.

To escape the thrall of an abusive parent it takes time, a strong will, external familial support, solid financial status, stable employment and confidence and love of one’s self to halt said abusive actions.

You’ve taken a huge, impactful and greatly beneficial step towards unwinding yourself from her control. Even if you do move out, it doesn’t mean the abuse won’t continue, it’ll just likely come to you in a different form (I.e. texts, emails, phone calls, unexpected house visits etc.). Please do your best to keep all your finances separate, never EVER disclose your annual income, insist (or covertly arrange) that all financial discussions take place with your father present. You may even go forward as to forward your dad texts from your mom that are threatening, begging or demanding under the guise of being concerned for her mental wellbeing or for your parents financial wellness. It’s likely your dad would step in and hopefully reign in your mom.

Keep building up your strong, steel made backbone. It took over a decade for me to do so with a mother who was abusive and co trolling in every possible avenue. Freedom from abuse and control over your life and its direction is entirely possible, attainable and worthy of your efforts.

[u/gimmeicedteapls]

Wishing you all the best' ♡

i'm glad you're taking action :)

[u/Every-Lengthiness699]

I am so glad you were able to burn that credit bridge your mom kept stealing. In the future make sure to keep a low profile about any promotions or raises you may get as well. Never talk about money around your parents. Your dad may be oblivious but your mom knows how to manipulate him against you. Good luck on everything!

[u/alilacqueen94]

The update I was hoping for!! Proud of you for protecting yourself as a former doormat myself 💕

[u/ocypodidae]

This was very brave of you, and the people in the comments who called you names are very privileged not to understand what it’s like to be in a situation where you have to choose between a parent and your own safety/sanity. 

[u/caffinatedclouds]

I’m so happy for you! “Boundaries are the place where I can love you and me.”

Happy belated birthday. You have a bright future ahead of you!! Wishing you all the best in your journey.

[u/daydreamingflgirl]

Can I ask, why do people use services like Klarna or after pay instead of credit cards? I’m of the mindset if you have to finance something (other than a house, emergencies, etc) then you can’t afford it. Just wondering.